How do you get an enabler to stop?
 

My bf has a daughter that has polysubstance abuse problem. She is his only child and he has always spoiled her beyond reason. She is now going on 21. She is awaiting sentencing for multiple charges including trafficking and stealing a car.
He has moved her in with him and continually rescues her from the consequences of her drug use because he fears if he sends her to the streets she will die. I have to admit that she does not know when enough is enough and has had many overdoses. Her liver is shot and she is Hep C from intravenous drug use.
I will not enable her and she hates me when she is using because she sees me as an obstacle to her enabler. Now my relationship with my bf is almost non existent. I have tried to get him some help to see what he is doing and he refuses all help....he would rather live in denial....that only he can save her life.
So here I am again alone....another weekend by myself....because she is using and I won't go with him to his house....I gave him a book the other day "Codependent no more" hoping he would look at it....he hasn't had time....I asked for it back because I have found much help from reading it although I too have a long way to go....I know I need to accept where people are at and that I need to trust our Higher Power....it just hurts so bad when I see my relationship erode and die...

Thanks for listening...

Mag

*big hugs* I can imagine this is like watching a train wreck hon. I don't know the answer. I think that we can only do what we can do. Make decisions for your own health, safety, and happiness. I hope that his daughter will one day realize the depth of her illness, and its effects on the people who love her. I'm still trying to get my own sister to understand what her actions have done.:praying

Hi. Awww.... I'm sorry. Enablers won't stop until the pain of enabling is worse that the pain of not enabling. It's an addiction, much like drugs and alcohol for the addict. I'm glad you got your book back - at least you can recognize whether or not you are enabling the enabler and protect yourself. Hang in there. :-)

Thanks for your replies....I am concentrating on keeping myself safe and at a distance in order to allow him to feel the full effects of enabling....he can not concentrate on anything but her addiction...
I must state here that my bf is a recovering alcoholic....he has 6 months in sober....two months of which he was in a coma and two more learning how to tell time again, walk again, swallow again...
I had left him a few weeks before he got sick because I had reached my breaking point and realized I was enabling.....When he went into hospital I watched as he slowly died.....never left his side for months....meanwhile his daughter only showed up when he was ready to leave the hospital....and he moves her in...and I am thrown to the side...because now he has to save her....
I am proud of him for staying sober but I have never had the chance to enjoy him sober....we are rarely together anymore and when we are he spends it rescuing her and gets angry when I will not participate....then we spend even less time together.
I know he feels like he has to choose between his daughter and his relationship with me....and in some ways he does have to choose because I can not take one more day of it. I just can no longer handle chaos and craziness it causes those who have to watch someone destroy themselves.....slowly....painfully....and I know I am powerless....I have been trying to learn to let go and let God....One day at a time.

Mag

He is most likely operating out of guilt. Trying to save her keeps the focus off of his problems. Not a good combo for someone trying to stay clean himself. You can't stop an addict and you can't stop a codie. They both need to learn their own lessons and those lessons will come with a lot of pain. Focus on you and decide what you want from your future. Leave them to figure things out for themselves. Hugs, Marle

Congratulations on keeping the focus on yourself.

There is an expression that says scratch an addict and find a codependent. I think (in a very general way) we share many similar traits and codependency certainly isn't an exclusive club. It's very difficult to realize that not only am I powerless over the addict, but I am also powerless obver the codependent trying to control the addict. In a situation like yours, it is alike a double challenge all at once. But that's okay - I think that just the fact that you recognize this is a big step in your recovery.

I know it is sad, lonely and frustrating going through this, but step by step, you'll find yourself feeling better. I'm glad you are reading and posting...if you can find Alanon or Naranon meetings, that is a huge help too.

Wow, that is really sad that the bf is in such denial, but I certainly can relate to it.

For years I kept everything from Mr. Dev because I thought for sure it would put a strain on our relationship. Looking back, I wish I had been more up front with him because I think it gives the person (child) more control over the enabler.

I think you're doing the right thing by staying away and sending the message that you will not be a part of active use.

Got to feel sorry for him because it isn't easy being a codie either!

In time hopefully he'll understand that he isn't doing her one favor by giving her a soft place to land. By doing this the only get worse, but you couldn't convince me of that for years either!

Hope he sees the light sooner rather than later. In the meantime, you're smart to concentrate on you.

Hugs, Devastated

wow. Maybe he's replaced his alcohol addiction with his daughter addiction. I think it would be great if you could check out some alanon meetings. Maybe he would even go with you... but if not... then go by yourself.

Sending support and hugs. I am sorry your going through this. Your BF feels he needs to rescue his daughter, until he can see for himself it is not working, he will not stop trying. I think you should work on yourself, by staying strong and doing nice things for you. I understand it hurts, but stop making him #1 in your life and use your time to find or do things you have always whated to. You need to let the BF go do his thing, and hopefully in time he will see he is wrong and come back, till then you are wasting your time with him.