Language of Letting Go - Feb. 28 - Letting Go of Denial
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Feb. 28 - Letting Go of Denial
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Denial
We are slow to believe that which, if believed, would hurt our feelings.
--Ovid
Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.
We will do this, when the time is right. We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality - on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awarenesses on my own time schedule.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Letting Go of Denial
We are slow to believe that which, if believed, would hurt our feelings.
--Ovid
Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.
We will do this, when the time is right. We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality - on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awarenesses on my own time schedule.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
It took meetings, support, and constant prayer to give me the courage to face what no mother should ever have to face.
Today I am grateful to walk in the truth, but it is important that I remember how long it took me to find that path. I must remember that the newcomer has not yet found it and now it is up to me to offer the compassion and courage to help them step out of denial and into acceptance. That is the path that leads to recovery and survival.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Absolutely. Thanks, Ann. For so long I just kept going. If I just "put up and shut up" I thought that I could get through it and somehow, without doing anything to "fix" it, I thought eventually everything would be ok. I remember feeling like I just wanted everything to be over. Not so much that I wanted to die, but just to have every awful feeling to end... but what I didnt' realize was that by not confronting the problem and just getting through each day, it was never going to change or end.
I am so grateful that eventually the pain got so bad or that eventually I understood that I held the key to change. Although there are still times when I think, "why didn't I just stay put and keep my mouth shut", these times are fleeting and always followed by the "right" answer ... better to live in the light of truth and get healthy than to stay in the dark and muddle through.
I am so grateful that eventually the pain got so bad or that eventually I understood that I held the key to change. Although there are still times when I think, "why didn't I just stay put and keep my mouth shut", these times are fleeting and always followed by the "right" answer ... better to live in the light of truth and get healthy than to stay in the dark and muddle through.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too stood frozen in fear, afraid to step out of denial because I didn't know what to do.
People told me what to do and I didn't listen. People said "read Codependent No More" but I didn't until the day when I knocked over a display in a book store and felt obliged to purchase a copy (tell me God had no part in that coincidence).
People told me to go to a meeting, Alanon, Naranon or CoDa, it didn't much matter but to get to a live meeting and start working on MY problems. I didn't listen because I didn't see any of this as "MY" problem, even though my life had become totally unmanageable and miserable and scary. I finally went when I ran out of options and knew that if I didn't do "something" I would surely lose what was left of my mind.
How deep my heels were dug in. How important it is for me to remember that when I get frustrated with a newcomer who has just begun this journey.
Denial...an option that no longer exists for me today, except as a temporary selective safe place to hide until I can deal with what life hands me.
Hugs
People told me what to do and I didn't listen. People said "read Codependent No More" but I didn't until the day when I knocked over a display in a book store and felt obliged to purchase a copy (tell me God had no part in that coincidence).
People told me to go to a meeting, Alanon, Naranon or CoDa, it didn't much matter but to get to a live meeting and start working on MY problems. I didn't listen because I didn't see any of this as "MY" problem, even though my life had become totally unmanageable and miserable and scary. I finally went when I ran out of options and knew that if I didn't do "something" I would surely lose what was left of my mind.
How deep my heels were dug in. How important it is for me to remember that when I get frustrated with a newcomer who has just begun this journey.
Denial...an option that no longer exists for me today, except as a temporary selective safe place to hide until I can deal with what life hands me.
Hugs
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
"We will do this, when the time is right. We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality - on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it."
Denial was such an embedded part of my existence that I didn't know that I was denying anything. I just thought I was surviving each day in a way that protected everyone from pain and long term damage.
Now I call it " Damage Control". That's when I get in a mode that looks to fix the immediate pain but forgets the big problem.
As I gained some recovery time, I looked back and saw the Denial , that was mine and part of the problem, from the very beginning. And I would beat myself up because I realized how much time I wasted being the "Fixer", and how much damage that probably caused.
Then, I found myself looking at situations and relationships with almost too much of an analytical objective eye, because I didn't trust my heart or emotions. But I still tried to "make" the solutions happen.
Then one day I read this page in my book and it was very powerful. I turn to it often.
Its all a process that takes time. And its never finished, because I still stumble often, And thats the hardest part to accept.
thanks Ann
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it."
Denial was such an embedded part of my existence that I didn't know that I was denying anything. I just thought I was surviving each day in a way that protected everyone from pain and long term damage.
Now I call it " Damage Control". That's when I get in a mode that looks to fix the immediate pain but forgets the big problem.
As I gained some recovery time, I looked back and saw the Denial , that was mine and part of the problem, from the very beginning. And I would beat myself up because I realized how much time I wasted being the "Fixer", and how much damage that probably caused.
Then, I found myself looking at situations and relationships with almost too much of an analytical objective eye, because I didn't trust my heart or emotions. But I still tried to "make" the solutions happen.
Then one day I read this page in my book and it was very powerful. I turn to it often.
Its all a process that takes time. And its never finished, because I still stumble often, And thats the hardest part to accept.
thanks Ann
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
I think my choice to Live In Denial is driven by two factors.
The first, is when I chose to accept the reality of the situation I begin to simmer with a White Hot Rage at myself for letting this contiue for so long, and at him for letting his addiction mess up our life together. I feel that if I give in to the White Hot Rage I will go insane, Godzilla-like, and do/say things so out of character that I would be ashamed of myself.
The second, is that he's a great "fake" companion. In a way, I feel like he's my paid-escort: laughs at my jokes, foot massages, and tells me my hair looks pretty. And the Reality is that he sticks close to me because he knows that I'll throw him some $$ if he asks for it when the nite goes well. And I feel guilty in a way for exploiting his drug addiction for my own gain. I reason that "if he's using me, then I'll use him right back".. But I try to deny thoughts like that because I want to pretend that I have a "real" relationship and not a "fake" one.
But it's soon to be over, packing my bags, and I'm gonna get out of this mess hopefully sooner (up-coming weeks) than later...
:praying
The first, is when I chose to accept the reality of the situation I begin to simmer with a White Hot Rage at myself for letting this contiue for so long, and at him for letting his addiction mess up our life together. I feel that if I give in to the White Hot Rage I will go insane, Godzilla-like, and do/say things so out of character that I would be ashamed of myself.
The second, is that he's a great "fake" companion. In a way, I feel like he's my paid-escort: laughs at my jokes, foot massages, and tells me my hair looks pretty. And the Reality is that he sticks close to me because he knows that I'll throw him some $$ if he asks for it when the nite goes well. And I feel guilty in a way for exploiting his drug addiction for my own gain. I reason that "if he's using me, then I'll use him right back".. But I try to deny thoughts like that because I want to pretend that I have a "real" relationship and not a "fake" one.
But it's soon to be over, packing my bags, and I'm gonna get out of this mess hopefully sooner (up-coming weeks) than later...
:praying
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