Ok, I flew into Ad on the phone when she called from Rehab tonight
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Ok, I flew into Ad on the phone when she called from Rehab tonight
Maybe I shouldn't have and yes I feel so Guilty right about now after the fact.
Long story short, Husband got a call from ad around lunch time while I was at work today. I came home between shifts and there was a note for me that my husband wrote down which said "College should call for daughters admission fee by March 1st." then under that he wrote "keep calling" and he wrote a number.
So I am thinking they are going to call, is the number under that message for the college or is that a memo to himself for his business to call someone? I should have called that number anyhow to see but I didn't, I ate a late lunch and went back to work
Ad called about 30 minutes ago and asked if I called them to give them the admission money, I said no and that they didn't call. Welllllllllll, she started crying and crying and saying that is ok mom, I will apply for college next year and blah blah blah and then she said "I am so used to being dissapointed." more crying and blah blah blah....
I was soooooooooooo Freakin angry and I came out with "You are used to being dissapointed? How dare you! Do you ever stop to think about me and your family? what you have done in the past????? the stretches in your ears when you were told no, all of the piercings in your face (she pierced herself) which we told you no? all of the times you were told that you couldn't go somewhere and you would go anyhow? Or when we told you to come home and you would not?The list is ongoing!
I asked the man in charge or my youngest daughters meetings if there were any meetings around where I could go for support etc like naranon or alnon but there is nothing. The only place I have right now is here.
Long story short, Husband got a call from ad around lunch time while I was at work today. I came home between shifts and there was a note for me that my husband wrote down which said "College should call for daughters admission fee by March 1st." then under that he wrote "keep calling" and he wrote a number.
So I am thinking they are going to call, is the number under that message for the college or is that a memo to himself for his business to call someone? I should have called that number anyhow to see but I didn't, I ate a late lunch and went back to work
Ad called about 30 minutes ago and asked if I called them to give them the admission money, I said no and that they didn't call. Welllllllllll, she started crying and crying and saying that is ok mom, I will apply for college next year and blah blah blah and then she said "I am so used to being dissapointed." more crying and blah blah blah....
I was soooooooooooo Freakin angry and I came out with "You are used to being dissapointed? How dare you! Do you ever stop to think about me and your family? what you have done in the past????? the stretches in your ears when you were told no, all of the piercings in your face (she pierced herself) which we told you no? all of the times you were told that you couldn't go somewhere and you would go anyhow? Or when we told you to come home and you would not?The list is ongoing!
I asked the man in charge or my youngest daughters meetings if there were any meetings around where I could go for support etc like naranon or alnon but there is nothing. The only place I have right now is here.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
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then keep posting, it does help, this is the only place I come to for support and let me tell you what I have 632 days clean and sober and working on ME......
Now about AD, we are good at getting the crying thing going with mom( want my moms number? she'll tell you I am superbe at it and 38!). It is hard to accept that we are NOT in control of our own lives and we need help.......even if TOUGH LOVE is it, and no I dont think that was tough love.......
I have been reading a few of your posts regaurding your ad and I was thinking where were you when I went down.......my mom turned me into the police crying her eyes out the whole time.....I broke her down to nothing.....I was 15 and ended up in prison, but let me tell you what.....my momma is my best friend today.......I dont make a move without her knowing we talk to each other 6 or 7 times a day.........
It is hard for you to hear where she is at.....but it would be harder for you to look down at her dead body ( sorry dead is the ultimate low for me) you are doing the right thing and btw you still have one more day before March 1........and I know most colleges are open until 1 on Saturdays unless it is a holiday...........
Let her know if she had been taking care of HER business this could of all been avoided....
Take care of you tonight, it has been a long day for you..........bubble bath? Try sleeping hard......talk to you tomarrow and dont be so hard on yourself....parenting isnt fool proof, nor is being a kid......
Love and hugs,
Pamm
Now about AD, we are good at getting the crying thing going with mom( want my moms number? she'll tell you I am superbe at it and 38!). It is hard to accept that we are NOT in control of our own lives and we need help.......even if TOUGH LOVE is it, and no I dont think that was tough love.......
I have been reading a few of your posts regaurding your ad and I was thinking where were you when I went down.......my mom turned me into the police crying her eyes out the whole time.....I broke her down to nothing.....I was 15 and ended up in prison, but let me tell you what.....my momma is my best friend today.......I dont make a move without her knowing we talk to each other 6 or 7 times a day.........
It is hard for you to hear where she is at.....but it would be harder for you to look down at her dead body ( sorry dead is the ultimate low for me) you are doing the right thing and btw you still have one more day before March 1........and I know most colleges are open until 1 on Saturdays unless it is a holiday...........
Let her know if she had been taking care of HER business this could of all been avoided....
Take care of you tonight, it has been a long day for you..........bubble bath? Try sleeping hard......talk to you tomarrow and dont be so hard on yourself....parenting isnt fool proof, nor is being a kid......
Love and hugs,
Pamm
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Thanks Pam, I am going to call the college tomorrow but I have been told that they are closed on Saturdays, it doesn't make sense to me that they would have a Saturday as a deadline. If they are closed I will puralate the money to them as it will also have the date sent on it.
I just don't see how she is going to be ready for college anyhow in 6 months from now. I am not going to say that to her but inside I am just taking one day at a time.
I just don't see how she is going to be ready for college anyhow in 6 months from now. I am not going to say that to her but inside I am just taking one day at a time.
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Location: Flint MI
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that is all you can do, set down and tell her how you feel tell her you arent giving up on her but it is a lot of money that you dont want to see go to waste.....ask her if she will just try going part time to see if she can stand it because IT IS A LOT OF PRESSURE.....I am a professional college student trust me I know on this point.....you are an aswome mom, you are the type that always put your kids before you, did you know that was wrong?
Even the Bible says so, I dont remember it verse or word for word but the break down of a family went god, husband and wife and then children.......when was the last time you put yourself and your feelings before hers? Try it some day you may feel more impowered!!!!
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
ps did ya get that bubble bath?
Even the Bible says so, I dont remember it verse or word for word but the break down of a family went god, husband and wife and then children.......when was the last time you put yourself and your feelings before hers? Try it some day you may feel more impowered!!!!
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
ps did ya get that bubble bath?
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I didn't have that bubble bath yet, I am too tired now lol.
Thank you for your kind words
When she said to me this evening about how she is use to being dissapointed I finally lost it. To think that I have been worried about saying the wrong thing to her and then I let her have it with both barrels.
I will talk to her the middle of March when we see her for her 6 hours away from Rehab (with us) about college.
Off to bed for me, time for much needed sleep.
Thank you so much again.
Thank you for your kind words
When she said to me this evening about how she is use to being dissapointed I finally lost it. To think that I have been worried about saying the wrong thing to her and then I let her have it with both barrels.I will talk to her the middle of March when we see her for her 6 hours away from Rehab (with us) about college.
Off to bed for me, time for much needed sleep.
Thank you so much again.
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It may not be any comfort, but early recovery is filled with emotion, so despite how her outburst made you feel, it's actually sorta a good thing. When an addict is using, I think everything is pretty well neumb...That's the point, right - numb the pain. So when all the drugs get out of the system there's a ton of emotions just waiting to come flooding through. It really isn't about you...it isn't personal (although it feels personal, I know) and it really probably isn't even about anything she is saying. She's just feeling all kinds of "stuff" right now and she's in the best place she can be.
It helped me...a lot...when I started to feel the victim in all this, to remember i had a choice. I didn't have to take words to heart; I didn't have to feel all those feelings that my daughter had been numbing out...I could chose to not get sucked in and just work on me. It takes lots of practice, but our obsession with controlling the addict and focusing on everything they do didn't happen over night either.
You may want to google Alanon or Naranon and double check; especially Alanon. I drive a distance once a week to a meeting but the face to face support and the phone list of folks I've come to care about so much is well worth the drive. If not, perhaps in addition to coming here, it would be helpful to read some books. Addict in the Family is very good; Codependent No More...there are lots. I found understanding the disease of addiction really helped me in my own recovery. And as I got better, my relationship with my kids got better too. Hugs.
It helped me...a lot...when I started to feel the victim in all this, to remember i had a choice. I didn't have to take words to heart; I didn't have to feel all those feelings that my daughter had been numbing out...I could chose to not get sucked in and just work on me. It takes lots of practice, but our obsession with controlling the addict and focusing on everything they do didn't happen over night either.
You may want to google Alanon or Naranon and double check; especially Alanon. I drive a distance once a week to a meeting but the face to face support and the phone list of folks I've come to care about so much is well worth the drive. If not, perhaps in addition to coming here, it would be helpful to read some books. Addict in the Family is very good; Codependent No More...there are lots. I found understanding the disease of addiction really helped me in my own recovery. And as I got better, my relationship with my kids got better too. Hugs.
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Originally Posted by greeteachday 
It may not be any comfort, but early recovery is filled with emotion, so despite how her outburst made you feel, it's actually sorta a good thing. When an addict is using, I think everything is pretty well neumb...That's the point, right - numb the pain. So when all the drugs get out of the system there's a ton of emotions just waiting to come flooding through. It really isn't about you...it isn't personal (although it feels personal, I know) and it really probably isn't even about anything she is saying. She's just feeling all kinds of "stuff" right now and she's in the best place she can be.
It helped me...a lot...when I started to feel the victim in all this, to remember i had a choice. I didn't have to take words to heart; I didn't have to feel all those feelings that my daughter had been numbing out...I could chose to not get sucked in and just work on me. It takes lots of practice, but our obsession with controlling the addict and focusing on everything they do didn't happen over night either.
You may want to google Alanon or Naranon and double check; especially Alanon. I drive a distance once a week to a meeting but the face to face support and the phone list of folks I've come to care about so much is well worth the drive. If not, perhaps in addition to coming here, it would be helpful to read some books. Addict in the Family is very good; Codependent No More...there are lots. I found understanding the disease of addiction really helped me in my own recovery. And as I got better, my relationship with my kids got better too. Hugs.
It helped me...a lot...when I started to feel the victim in all this, to remember i had a choice. I didn't have to take words to heart; I didn't have to feel all those feelings that my daughter had been numbing out...I could chose to not get sucked in and just work on me. It takes lots of practice, but our obsession with controlling the addict and focusing on everything they do didn't happen over night either.
You may want to google Alanon or Naranon and double check; especially Alanon. I drive a distance once a week to a meeting but the face to face support and the phone list of folks I've come to care about so much is well worth the drive. If not, perhaps in addition to coming here, it would be helpful to read some books. Addict in the Family is very good; Codependent No More...there are lots. I found understanding the disease of addiction really helped me in my own recovery. And as I got better, my relationship with my kids got better too. Hugs.
I totally agree with this here.
I had numbed myself out to all my feelings for so long, I literally felt like I was going crazy when I was detoxing, for months after those feelings that came out of me were like torture, I liked cutting myself better. Those feelings I had NO idea how to control them, what to do with them, where to put them, nothing, no clue.
I came to this forum a few times, yelled at these ladies who become my
"Mom's", I was a mess.
I'm not saying she is right, just my opinion is, it's healthy, she is like an onion, layers and layers of years are going to come off of her.
Like Greet says, you don't have to take it personal, just like you didn't when she was two years old.
I look back at when I was in my first year, I can't believe how I was........
Like Greet said, it's not about you, it's about her.
You didn't disappoint her. This is just her working her stuff out.
Lots of Love and Light......
:ghug2
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On a practical note....most schools accept online payments.
On the other hand it sounds like she may be suffering from the plague of childhood entitlement, certainly not unique to those with substance abuse problems and one that stays with many people throughout their lives.
Might she value the opportunity more, if she spends time working for the application fee, herself ? You do not owe her an education.
On the other hand it sounds like she may be suffering from the plague of childhood entitlement, certainly not unique to those with substance abuse problems and one that stays with many people throughout their lives.
Might she value the opportunity more, if she spends time working for the application fee, herself ? You do not owe her an education.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
On the other hand it sounds like she may be suffering from the plague of childhood entitlement, certainly not unique to those with substance abuse problems and one that stays with many people throughout their lives.
Might she value the opportunity more, if she spends time working for the application fee, herself ? You do not owe her an education.
Might she value the opportunity more, if she spends time working for the application fee, herself ? You do not owe her an education.
My parents were my best enablers, and I definitely had a sense of entitlement for a long time.
When I got out of rehab, I had to hit the pavement for a job as I was the single parent of a daughter, and landed a full-time job within a week.
It's really critical to allow addicts to take responsibility for their own lives if there is any hope of long-term healthy recovery.
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Going to just write my first thought...
Well, bless her heart.
SHE is used to being disappointed? Well, that's life. The sooner she learns, the better.
This is called MANIPULATION. Don't fall for it. Guess I could have given my gentler, more loving answer, but I'm short on time and decided to go with this one.
Oh, and re college, it took my AD three years of sobriety to get to where she could even apply to go back to college. And we let her do EVERY BIT OF IT ON HER OWN...picking out the school, application, applying for grants, calling, finding out what she needed to do, asking about loans, etc. EVERY BIT of it on her own, NO HELP from us...not one dime, not one word about how she should handle it. It was hard for her to do all this at 3 years sober, but she did it. And I cannot over emphasize how important it was for us to stay out of the way and let her handle all this. Her self esteem sky rocketed when she saw that she could do this and handle things on her own.
And remember, you do not have to accept invitations to her pity parties.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Well, bless her heart.
SHE is used to being disappointed? Well, that's life. The sooner she learns, the better.
This is called MANIPULATION. Don't fall for it. Guess I could have given my gentler, more loving answer, but I'm short on time and decided to go with this one.
Oh, and re college, it took my AD three years of sobriety to get to where she could even apply to go back to college. And we let her do EVERY BIT OF IT ON HER OWN...picking out the school, application, applying for grants, calling, finding out what she needed to do, asking about loans, etc. EVERY BIT of it on her own, NO HELP from us...not one dime, not one word about how she should handle it. It was hard for her to do all this at 3 years sober, but she did it. And I cannot over emphasize how important it was for us to stay out of the way and let her handle all this. Her self esteem sky rocketed when she saw that she could do this and handle things on her own.
And remember, you do not have to accept invitations to her pity parties.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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