whereami

I have to ask with the way the economy is and job losses etc., is everyone getting more frustrated/ less tolerant of excuses or allowing the economy to be blamed for money issues? My ex refuses to send child support because of economic times and it is such a shame what they already to to our wallets because of their addiction...just curious if anyone is feeling the financial crush with their loved one?:ghug

Taking5

An addict/alkie will use anything as an excuse.

Sidebar: anyone who thinks things are bad is not old enough to remember the 70s and the Nixon and Carter years. We have it great compared to then. If you listen to the media though you would think it is the end of the world.

hello-kitty

Thanks for the reminder dgillz. I was laid off 4 weeks ago and got hired on at a great company yesterday. There is hope! Try to stay positive.

winnie12

i had started driving during the carter years - gas rationing was brutal. its no where near as bad as that time.

my ex uses the economy as the reason he hasnt worked in a year. but even when times were good he would go long periods of time without a job. The reason he did was because he would never lower his standards of what kind of job he would take or what salary he should have. He'd rather be unemployed and live off others then work a job he thought was beneath him. so he'd work somewhere for 3-6 months, get fired for not doing his job and then be unemployed for 3-6 months. meanwhile i've had the same job for 12 years because i do my job and work hard. somehow it seems like working is optional for him but mandatory for me. I'll never understand it.

It puts me in a tough position. i can force the child support but in my area that means the county will put him in jail. Here, they sometimes leave them there until they come up with it - personally i dont understand that tactic because how do you come up with money when your in jail but that's the law here. I have a hard time putting my kid's dad in jail but as its been a year since i got child support i just dont feel i have any other option. I'm trying to take what i've learned with my AS and apply it to my ex - his choice not to take care of his responsibilities with our daughter so its going to have to be his consequences.

outtolunch

As some may have noticed, I have very strong opinions about dads who do not contribute to the financial welfare of their children.

It's you ex husband's choice not to provide for his children and his choices have consequences. He is stealing from his children.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

my A came home from his meeting last night talking about how 4 people told him that they didn't work at all their first year in recovery and how it was so good for them and they probably wouldn't have done as well in their recovery if they had found a job earlier. i looked at him with -what i know was- the most disdainful look on my face, and fought real hard against saying what i felt :

"this sounds like an excuse for you not to look for a job"

finally I rolled my eyes and walked away. then he starts talking about how one of those guys started making lots of money later and gave his ex wife money because he felt bad about how he had treated her so she took advantage of him. I said "you mean like how he probably took advantage of her while they were married?" he was liek "no it was worse than that."

I could feel myself getting so annoyed with him and I had to just stop talking.
I'm in a really bad mood today. Every little thing is pissing me off.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

yeah really. i want so bad to say
"okay, and i'll take a year off to recover from YOU and we'll just live on the streets and beat box for spare change."

hello-kitty

I appreciate what you are saying Winnie. It's tough forcing these issues sometimes. Keep me posted on how it goes as this issue touches my life personally and I could really use some of your ES&H on this. My ex deserves to have his lazy ass back in jail. But I am still protecting him by not filing for child support. I think what's the point, he doesnt have any money.

It's enabling behavior. He SHOULD suffer consequences for not supporting his son. But the emotional effort and the cost of pursuing child support - well, I'm too busy supporting my child to do it I guess. Maybe that's a cop out but I truly believe what comes around goes around.

It's hard. I've come along way in my desire to be free from codendency, but still have a long ways to go.

livingalie

I have one of those "dads". Mine always complains about how much phone time he gets with my children, how I raise them, clothe them, feed them, how much time I let them play their games....all the while, he's off on the other side of the country too high and drunk to care.

Here's an excuse for you all: My ex-h lost his leg recently from a motorcycle accident a few years ago - slammed into the back of a stopped truck cause he was drunk. Now, he's in the military and told my ABF that he was a war-veteran and has been thru a lot. He has been telling people that he lost his leg due to the 'war' and 'suggests' that he get some sympathy. :wtf2
Ok, he has never been NEAR a war in his life. I think the closest he has ever been to a war was when we saw Saving Private Ryan on the big screen.

I AM pursing him for the back child support he owes me. He needs to have his ego put in check and I'm tired of giving him the benefit of the doubt. If given the chance, he would pay nothing. I don't have the money to take him back to court, but I can certainly ask the state for help in getting what I'm owed.

I still, to this day, can't understand why parents can avoid paying for the care of their children.

Serenity Bound

Not to get off the subject, however, don't expect everyone to agree with what may still be good for you. I AM old enough to have been around in the 70's, and quite frankly what has happened this time around has effected my H & I very badly. We are barely hanging on, and we are not of an age to just change careers easily. My H lost his job over 1 yr ago, yes he got another job, but it doesn't pay anywhere near what he was making. And because of this it has effected every part of our lives, except our devotion to each other.

Sorry but this is something that really annoys me, that some just can't see how others may be struggling.

hello-kitty

They are tough times. (((hugs))) You are blessed to have your devotion to each other. In the end, that's all that matters.

livingalie

I was a child in the 70's but remember what my parents when through during those times.

I think it is tough now and where I live, yes, the economy has impacted everyone. I'm sure you've heard of the housing market here in AZ. It's tough. I was working in marketing last year but when everything went south, so did my job. I find it is hard on me to take care of my children now that I am making half of what I was making before. I have cut back on my expenses but I have expenses that were there when the market was good - my truck payment, for one.

I can't blame my ABF for not being able to find a job right now, though he has a lot going against him. He served 6 yrs in prison and NO ONE wants to hire a felon. When the economy was stronger last year, jobs were not a problem for him. Now, with his line of work, no one is buying or doing anything. They too are cutting expenses.

livingalie

Exactly! I need that year. Where's the sign-up sheet???

winnie12

You are so right - one of my best friends put it this way - its not that he's not giving you money each month he's not giving his child money each month and that's not a choice you have a right to make because its your child's money not yours.

winnie12

well i say i'm divorced but i'm not - spirtually i am but not in the eyes of the law. i dont know where he lives and he wont tell me - he and his brother have been moving about every three months. i had it all ready to file together last year - we were to split the fees and agreed to everything - all i needed was his signature and financial statement - then he lost his job (surprise) and dissappeared. now i have to file by publishing and then let the sherrif try to find him once the child support is in place. the good thing is i can put his child support through the courts so i wont have to ever force the issue - he doesnt pay they take a warrant.

I had to wait a year since he couldnt be served in person to prove abandonment. so i'm hitting that time frame and now have to come up with all the additional filing fees because this cost more - barely have enough for groceries these days much less all the court fees. at least i'm able to do this myself without an attorney. he knows i'm getting ready to file so the coward is hiding. He'll hide - most likely leave the state but eventually he'll get caught. basically i'm not filing expecting to get child support - i'm filing to make a stand for my daughter.

I could just go for child support and do the divorce later but that would just cost me more in the long run and i need to be legally free of this marriage.

For any concerned, my father yells at me about this subject on a weekly basis - i know i have to do this and i have to do this now.

livingalie

I never understood the huge price of getting someone out of your life. To divorce them can cost thousands and if they fight it can sky rocket from there (mine was near $30,000 because he couldn't let go of me).

If you have a person who has just up and left the planet, then you should be given some sort of reprieve from paying those fees. Or they should lump them in together.

I don't know...just rambling but it's annoying and frustrating. How can single parents who have abusive/addict/alcoholic people attaching themselves to us like leaches truly expect to turn our lives around and be a productive member of society if we have to pay what we make to the courts to make it happen? I can't take my ex-h back to court to modify anything cause I can't afford it. He can. Why? Cause he's not raising children and NOT paying his support.
Ugh!

winnie12

AMEN SISTER!!!!! I see that you can feel my pain!!!!

livingalie

Indeed, Winnie. And I soooooo was screaming at the keyboard as I wrote it. Nope, no anger issues here....

wuzzled

Dead beat Dads! I No you didn't do it (pay child support) this is where you belong! Thought my ex would die owing me thousands of dollars in back support, amazingly, through intercepted tax refunds, and intercepted unemployment benefits, when he actually died (I always knew it would only be a matter of time before drugs killed him, actually, he killed himself, and nearly killed his girlfriend when he shot her too) he only owed me about $500.

I then received Social Security benefits for my youngest son until he was 18. I celebrated! Sounds mean, but I no longer felt like I had to keep looking over my shoulder any longer, I really was finally free of him. I'll never forget the day he killed himself, and shot his girlfriend. I remember the first feeling I had was "that could have been me"! I also went to the house where this all happened, I needed to see where he died, so I would know it was for real. How morbid is that?

I now look at my oldest son, following in his father's footsteps - scary!

livingalie

I don't believe you are being mean. And I completely understand. When my XH had his motorcycle accident, his mother called to tell me. She said, "He's been in an accident" (obviously crying).
My immediate response, and I mean immediate - no hesitation or beat missing - was, "Is he dead?"
She just gasped.

Sometimes, there are those who hurt us so bad in our lives that the thought of their life being over can be a relief. It's not you wish them dead, just out of your life. And what's more permanent than death? He'll never come back into your life...he'll never abuse you again...he'll never neglect his children with false promises...you'll never have to see the disappointment from him again on their faces....he'll just never.