New - first post - How to be supportive without enabling?
 

On Sunday night I was blindsided by my husband's revelation that he has relapsed and for the past 6 months has been taking painkillers that he has obtained from "a friend" ie a coworkers dealer. He had been clean for over 5 years. He said that he had decided to stop and wanted to tell me because the withdrawals will make him moody, etc. So far he has not taken anything since Sunday morning.

He says that he needs to do this alone - that is how he did it last time - and feels that he deserves whatever h#ll the withdrawals bring.

Neither of us have actively attended any support groups - didn't see the need to.

What bothers me is that I didn't see this coming. When he was actively addicted 5 years ago I knew. He has chronic pain and I noticed when he ran out of prescriptions early and when I found out that he was getting them off the street I was really clear with him that he needed to stop or I would leave because I didn't want to be sucked into the addiction cycle....and he chose to get clean. This time I had no idea. Until 6 months ago he had only been taking Aleve/Advil for his chronic pain and there had not been any missing money, no mood swings, no behavior or schedule changes... He says that he had not been taking as much as in the past... but still How could I not know? How could I have actually thought that things were good!?!

Does this mean that in the future when I think things are going well that I must always second guess and wonder whether he is on painkillers again?

I don't know much about the recovery process or co-dependency or anything...because last time he went through withdrawal and everything on his own....but this relapse has really rocked me. My husband has always been very supportive of me and I find that I am not sure how to be supportive of him now. I am angry, hurt, and scared.

His actions so far show that he wants to get better... but if he has relapsed once will it happen again? Do the recovery programs work for everyone or is it possible to do it on your own and not relapse again?

How can a person be supportive of an addict who is actively trying to recover in a way that is not enabling them or is co-dependent?

Signed,
Blindsided in 09 and not sure where to go from here

Welcome Blindsided
I'm glad you've found us.
There are many here with more experience than I when it comes to dealing with a spouses addiction (my addict is my son).

I'm glad he has decided to stop. And I'm glad he's willing to do the work.
I wish there were guarantees, but there are none.
I've come to learn that no one ever "knows" when or what will hit, even if "today" our loved ones are not addicts.
It can sneak up on the best of us.
The best I can do is live in today.
Stick around...there's some great people to meet here.
(((Hugs)))

(((hugs))) Welcome to this site. I really encourage you to consider attending an alanon or a naranon meeting. It's a great way to support your husband - to find your own way of handling the addiction and learning how you could have been blind sided like this and prevent it from happening again. Just because your husband has to "do this alone" doesn't mean you should or you have too. Maybe it will inspire him to find a support group. I think that the support of other recovering addicts is key to recovering from addiction. I should know. I am one.

Keep reading and posting ok. And consider checking out a meeting... just to educate yourself.

Welcome! I agree with Hello-Kitty! Keep reading and posting, and educate yourself!

((((HUGS)))))

I know the pain and panic of being blindsided. You will gain a wealth of support and knowledge here.

Love,
Maelynn

Welcome to SR!!

I, too, am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). Unfortunately, relapse is always a possibility with A's (addicts). However, the stronger our recovery is, the less it is a likelihood.

I hope that you realize it is no fault of your own that you didn't see this relapse. Many A's are quite capable of hiding their using...up to a point. It sounds like he realized he needed to quit before he got in too deep.

I agree with finding your own support. I don't go to meetings, although I know they help many addicts. I do, however, have the support of many recovering addicts (here), and others (f2f). I truly don't know what I would do without the support I have gotten, both for my addiction and my codependence.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

welcome to S.R.....once an addict always an addict as sad as that is. there is no garantees that he will not relapse again. all we can do is learn to take care of ourself & live in today. his recovery he his. there is nothing you can do to keep him clean. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it.i hopehe gets clean & stays clean. it is always a sad story when they have been clean that long only to go back to using. keep comng back here & find a meeting to go to. prayers for you both,