cassandra2

I want to address something that you said Cess. You talked about how you worry about your bf and his health and that you want him to understand how that worry effects you. My cousin (years ago) was a terrible crack head. She got busted in a raid and went to jail. In jail she was court ordered rehab. In rehab after she had been clean for almost 2 months she said that a woman was talking about her family and how worried they were for her. The woman went on to talk about how it would annoy her (when she was using) that her family worried about her. She would say "I'm fine". All the while sitting in a dope house smoking crack.

Anyway, my cousin said that hearing that woman talk about her family made my cousin think of how she would go for weeks and NOT contact any member of her family. My aunt (her mother) would call the ER's in the city, call the jail, call friends, drive around looking for her etc. And when my cousing would hear this she would get mad at her mom for doing that. But in treatment hearing from someone else she REALIZED what it meant to WORRY over her. She discovered why her mother called all of those places.

My point is that until they get to the other side of their addiction (recovery) they have NO CLUE of what damage they are doing to others let alone THEMSELVES. It isnt until they are forced to see things from other peoples perspectives that they can begin to understand why doing drugs is so bad for everyone involved.

No active addict can stop long enough to know that their abuse is hurting others. Your bf thinks that because he is "secretly" using (even though you know he is doing it you dont actually see him using) it isnt affecting anyone else in the world.

Accepting is hard. When you first get in a relationship the little things dont bother you. Your in love. Then all of the sudden his funny little gestures become annoying. You comment about how it bothers you and he says it never bothered you before. Now all of the sudden you are in a fight. Why? Because for whatever reason what you once accepted as being a part of him you no longer can. This is where all the tension then comes from.

I know exactly how you feel. At first I could accept it and do my own thing but then the addiction began to OVERTAKE my life. That is when he left. Because what I was able to accept before (oh his back hurts so he needs to take the pills) soon became unacceptable to me.

If your anything like me you will continue to have this daily struggle. One day you will accept it (like what you said about breakfast) and another day you wont. This is the rollercoaster. Maybe if you choose to stay you could stop having expectations of him that he is gonna change. I know that helps when you stop expecting someone else to do something. Then if they do it it ends up being a nice surprise.

Dont know if that helped at all.....Take care....

Serenity Bound

Cessy, You are struggling between what you want and what IS! Please come in out of the rain, otherwise your life will continue forever cold & damp. We know you are poring your heart out, and believe me, not one of us are yelling at you, just the opposite, we CARE about you.

Hugs,
Chris

wuzzled

Could I get you to pound that into my head?
LOL

Well said, Freedom, this is me exactly!

I ignored my addicts using, thought so many times that things really aren't that bad, he's working, he's functioning blah, blah, blah.

Freedom is right, the downhill will come, you just don't know when, or how bad, or how fast.

Wish I had found this place a few years ago, when I was having such co-dep thinking and behavior - maybe things might be a little different today.

From my experience, ignoring, pretending the problem isn't all that bad, has only made things much worse, both for me and my addict!

cessy68

Well, I just did an implulsive thing and decided to say "hey I want out of this relationship" via text message.

Oh boy. I should have know that would cause a bigger problem than what i already have.

I was reading all this and really FEELING all the emotion attached to it---- and wrote a lengthy message and hit SEND!

It didn't end well- I told him that 'talking' about it - wasn't going to get us nowhere- just more empty words and promises.

He felt blindsided- and dosen't understand what made me do that.

I didn't bother explaining it to him----

I told him I'd talk to him after work....he said "thankyou for ruining my day". I told him as usual it's all about him- he eventually hung up on me.

He always gets the last word, he always has a way to manipulate my words. He asked if we were getting along so well.... what brought this up?? I told him we were getting along well, because I have been ignoring the truth.

He swears it's not 'as bad' as I think-- Kinda knew that response was comming.

God its just useless to bother doing anything- it just keeps on going, round and round and round. And because I ACTED on my feelings and hit SEND.... now I'm the wrong one- becuase it wasn't attached to a 'fight' - it was out of the blue. (according to him and his world)

Also, now, I'm accused of 'playing games with his head' because I haven't been argueing with him, because I haven't been 'discussing any issues with him'.... now he feels sucker punched. I told him, he's not a victim, so quit acting like one. I also told him, that somewhere deep down inside that he must have known I know, and that it was just a matter of time before I spoke my mind.

I told him I'm sick of being made a joke of- and being disrespected. He said the only person who is disrespecting me is myself, and that I am putting words / feelings from my mouth into his and that is unfair.

I just cant win guys.

Callie

But you can win Cessy, you can win your life back, a life without addiction. Just make sure when you do talk with him that you are strong and firm in your boundaries or what you want. Addicts have a way of sweet talking their ways with the best of us.

justtired

I disagree. You DID win. Granted you threw him off because he didn't see anything coming. But just because he TELLS you that you are wrong, DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE! You can't expect him to say, yes Cessy, you are completely right and I am completely wrong. You can't even expect him to understand because he doesn't see a problem. You did what you felt was best for you. Doesn't matter what he thinks of it. Good luck!

greeteachday

Cess, I'm like the addict. I'm going to come to the point of the next step in my recovery when I am ready and all the woulda coulda shouldas aren't going to make me budge. I did find however, that talking with others who have been where I am and listening to their experiences and the things they learned from them, helped me, but they couldn't tell me what to do and push me til i did it....just doesn't work that way for me. I guess that's why I understood pretty quickly once I started going to meetings and coming here that trying to control the addict would probably result in exactly the opposite of what I was hoping.

My kids were the addicts in my life, so my experience is not the same as yours; however I do remember having some tools under my belt and then realizing my daughter had relapsed. I had to think about my motivation for wanting to let her know I knew she relapsed. Was I trying to make her stop by telling her I knew or was there a healthy reason that involved me, not her. I wasn't sure, so I did nothing and it was one of the first times I understood that sometimes doing nothing is making a decision. It ended up not mattering...within a short time, there was no denying relapse...the consequences showed up for her.
One thing that did help me though was to write a letter like you talk about....Just to get it all out. I wrote it, I kept it for a few days and then I destroyed it. That helped me to come to terms with my feelings, to get them out and to help me. It really had nothing to do with my daughter. Hugs

greeteachday

well...never mind...i started this awhile ago but something else came up...You've gone beyond the letter question to a decision to text a break up...never mind

Josette

Hi Cessy!!

I see why you'd think I copied the description of my abf... LOL

It's kinda crazy when they really don't seem to be a bad person isn't it?

But I think deep down inside we know better.

and like you, I think about things for awhile and do some spur of the moment things I wish I could take back later.

I will read more up on whats going on in your life but it's almost quitting time and yes, that is my favortie time of day!!

Hang in there and I'll hang with you.

Hugs

J

outonalimb

Cessy,

I came across a quote the other day and I was planning on starting a thread with it. I think it applies here...

"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater". (Nicholas Evans, 'The Horse Whisperer').

To me, this quote means that the worst thing you can do is live a lie. You know your AH is an addict...you know he doesn't think he has a problem...you know that nothing you do or say will make any difference...these are all major steps in recovery so you are making progress. You arent living in denial any more...you have worked to let go of controlling him...you aren't running around in circles trying to 'catch him' because you know the truth. This is a big step my dear because alot of codies never get to this point. So don't think you are stupid...don't question your progress because its all right there for all of us to see.

The next step in recovery (at least for me) was that I had to realize that I was living a lie if I stayed and ignored the truth. Like the quote says, living a lie is far more damaging and painful that accepting reality. The reality is that you are married to an addict and until this fact changes, you will have to deal with those things that 'annoy' you every single day (such as how grumpy he is when he does't have his pills, the lies, the moodiness...). All of these things are just symptoms of the bigger problem that you are living in a situation that is harmful to you emotionally. Your AH's addiction hasn't progressed to the level where it is hurting you financially or physically yet but addiction is a progressive disease so eventually you will see things things happen too.

Your feelings are yours. You feel cheated and you have every right to feel that way. You just can't expect that your AH is capable of appreciating or understanding how you feel. He is incapable of 'getting it' because if he acknowledged that his pill use is causing you pain, then the gig is up for him. Of course he will turn this back on you and make you the crazy one. What else can he do?

Like Greet says, sometimes doing nothing is a decision. But make the decision with your eyes open. Realize that if you decide to stay in this situation until you finish school, accept that you are paying a price. THe price is emotional pain like the kind you are going thru right now because you are living a lie. If you go, you will struggle financially and mourn the loss of your marriage. This isn't easy either but sometimes its easier than living in a false reality. There is always a price to pay whether you go or stay. Which 'price' is easier for you to bear? When you answer this question, you'll know what to do.

kj3880

I've been on both sides of this one. My pain pill addiction was a secret one. The only person who knew was my ex-abf, who was also a pain pill addict and in addition, an alcoholic. My children didn't know, but had to deal with my moodiness and "enhanced productivity" in the evenings. It was expensive financially, emotionally, and spiritually for me. I was only in this active phase for about 10 months, so I didn't really get to a high level of use, just enough to know that I have a problem with the pills. I went to NA and an addictionologist on my own and got clean. I have a year clean in exactly one month. So it is perfectly possible that your man could go into recovery and have a good and fairly normal life, but only if he decides to do so. Nobody can work this out for him. My ex never did get it. He was "not a joiner" so he wouldn't go to meetings.

There were many other addicts at NA who had been with partners that didn't or couldn't seem to get clean and most of them said the same thing to me "eventually you will get tired of that and you will either start using with him, or you will break up." I decided that I would rather break up than relapse, so I did, at 60 days clean. I'd told him about this before, that if he didn't get into some type of treatment and stop using and drinking that I wouldn't be with him, but I guess he just couldn't or wouldn't stop.

It doesn't matter how much we want someone else to quit--we just don't have anything to say about it. It is their decision. But recovery is possible. I do think you should talk about it, at least once you have decided what you want to say/happen next. Me personally, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone in active addiction ever again.

The best thing about your situation is that nothing is exploding or being ruined at the moment. That's all still to come. But this gives you a little chance to quickly get your ducks in order financially. Get as much assets put in your control only as you can if you do nothing else. I took money out of the joint bank account and secretly put it in a personal account the last break up I went through where money was involved. Addiction gets expensive. Addicts have been known to remortgage houses, put liens on cars, spend up 401Ks, etc..protect yourself in this way as best you can. Take this step before you tell him about the impending break-up, because if he's as smart as you say, he'll do it to you once he finds out. And if you suspect he will hurt you when he discovers this, have a safety plan. Eyes wide open, my dear!

Love,
KJ

cessy68

Thank you everyone for the many wise words, and support on this question. Funny- I posted it days ago- and it's still in the forefront of my mind.... so It's good for me to actively see responses...........

Outonalimb-
That was a really supportive thing you said to me... (pointing out my progress) thank you for that- it enables me to see the positive things i'm doing, rather than focusing on the progress I have YET to make....

Indeed, the question really does lie in exactly what you have asked of me. I wonder this to myself on a fairly regular basis.
I talked to a mutual friend of ours today- who knows EVERY inch of what is going on.

He said to me today - "Cess the best thing you could do at this point is sell your house, get something cheap- even if it means renting for a while. Start over, with the littlest overhead financially so you can continue school, and not 'need' him for anything. Move on by yourself, because you will go backwards with him. He will only continue to drain you slowly but surely- even if you don't notice it. You ALREADY have changed alot, (from the strong opinionated, stubborn gal) I used to know. It's almost as if your defeated. I don't want him to completly suck you dry of who you are."

Boy, did I think about that. (by the way he is my boyfriend- of 4yrs - not my husband, so the house is in my name- as well as everything else)

I realized that the 'old girl' I used to be, NEVER put up with anyones crap. I never had any 'codie' type characteristics- (ive done alot of reading on the topic)- I always had an easy time telling people NO. I never 'carried' people who were in my world. If anything- I expected them to be pretty strong and independent - because I am so independent and strong willed, I kinda walked over (and lost respect) for meak men in my life.

My abf, fit the bill - of what I LOVE , and adore in a man. BEFORE the drugs. Then I got sucked into some tornado like experience, that in turn, I came out with my hair standing on ends.... and adopting ALOT of codie traits.

For me.... ( I have a history of panic attacks) which usually stems from a fear of 'loosing control')- I believe that to keep my 'panic' at bay- when things got so 'out of control' in my relationship- I started behaving in ways that I never had- because I was so desperate to 'control' and 'fix' this.

The fixing, wasn't about needing to fix things- (again, I usually walk away)- It was more like being blindsided. I think that I always felt bored in relationships, and he has a very strong- 'different' type of personality - and I wanted so badly to KEEP it.

It makes me sad.

Truely because I had so many real beliefs in him, in us, in our lives. The sacrafices we made to have our relationship. The REAL friendship- that always underscored our love.
He was my best friend in the world.

Even today- I got back 3 exams at school, (2 100's and 1 was a 96) - I was so 'high' on how well I did, (i studied for 40 hrs or so last week)- THE FIRST PERSON I WANTED TO CALL was him. But I didn't because....

I was furious at him, and was so upset... Long story short, (our friends daughter was just diagnosed with brain cancer. She is at St. Judes. He flys here 1x a week for work.
Usually we meet up at the lounge at the hotel where he stays. I asked my abf to meet us there after work, because I bought gifts for his daughter and his other children, as well as made a donation in a card - from both of us.

He called and said he would be there after dinner w/ his friend. well, as i'm sure you guessed, he came at 'last call', the mutual friend and I had already called it a night.

How sad. I told him when he came home- "usually I say how embarrassed I am because you didn't do the right thing- because you'd rather party.... tonight I'm telling you, how embarrassed YOU SHOULD BE..... because you really looked like a selfish #*** tonight. "

This time I couldn't shut my mouth.

He ended up calling today- and asked me how school was going- I told him... and was sad, that my shareing it with him was blanketed with a bit of disgust and sadness.

I guess what I'm getting at is- because of all that has transpired, its not the same. And for some reason, i still feel - stuck in the 'doing nothing mode'.

Thank you for listening-
If anyone was able to absorbe this horribly long reply.

Love,
Cessy

kj3880

Cessy,
What helped me get through the "stuck" times was to put a time limit or deadline on it. I would say, "OK, I don't know what to do about this situation right now, there's a. or b. fact that's yet to be revealed and I"m going to wait. But a. or b. fact will be clear in the next 60 days (or whatever). For the time being, what I can do about this situation is to pray, save money, and continue to look at options. So I'm not going to decide until May 4, 2009 (or whatever). And I'm not going to worry about it." For some reason, a time limit helps me to focus and to relax about situations.
KJ

outonalimb

Cessy,

I think you have a great plan.

The addict in my life was my husband. We have a little boy together and all of our finances were inter-twined so leaving him was really difficult...not just legally but emotionally and financially as well.

Despite the fact that my exah was burying me financially (we ended up losing our home and having to file bankruptcy to get out from under the debt he created), I STILL struggled for a long time about what I should do, when/if I should leave, etc. etc. etc.

I beat myself up daily for staying when I knew what was going on. My friends and family got to the point where they just wanted to choke me because I kept crying about how bad things were but I wasn't doing anything to get out from under it. I was stuck. And I felt like a complete fool. But just like you said, I wasn't myself anymore at this point. I look back now and I absolutely cannot believe how long I stayed...how low I allowed myself to sink... but just like you...I was blindsided. And I had a huge learning curve about addiction and codependency and boundaries ...

AT the end of things, I didn't laugh anymore. NOthing brought me joy. I walked thru life like a zombie. And it wasn't until I got out from under the whole situation that I realized just how dramatically the whole thing had effected me. Sometimes, when you're living with it day to day you just don't see it.

I didn't have a time table. I didnt' have a plan. One day I just realized that I couldn't do it anymore and I found a way to leave. In a few days time, I packed up, moved out of our marital home with our son, and rented a small place I could afford on my own. I lost alot financially...pretty much everything I had worked for as an adult...and I had to struggle for a while but the struggle was nothing compared to what I had lived thru with my exah.

You'll find your way...I have no doubt...

cessy68

Thankyou..... I feel the winds of change comming.

Or perhaps it's just spring.... (lol)

Sorry, have to joke sometimes, to lighten the moment for myself.

I appreciate all you have said.
Love,
Cessy