Looking for some feedback...

Old 02-21-2009, 11:27 PM
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Looking for some feedback...

I'm usually posting in the 12-step forum, but this seems more of a codie type of problem that I'm having here, so I wanted to post it here:

Here's the situation:

I had a brief relationship a coupla months ago with a "recovering" addict. I'm almost a year clean now.
He wasn't using but he still had all the personality characteristics of an addict. He was ultra-manipulative, jealous, and controlling. He didn't work, tried to weasel money out of me, and would never respect my boundaries, and I wasn't good at enforcing them.

For instance, he would come over every night without invitation, go through my text messages, read my e-mail, call me a work several times in an hour for the stupidest of reasons (I can't find your nail clippers. Where are they?) Etc...etc...beyond tedious behavior. Make a long story short, after just 8 weeks of dating, I was so resentfull and sick of him that I finally found the strength the get rid of him. Two months ago.

He said he wanted to stay friends, and I don't know about you, but to me, it's just something you say "Let's stay friends, shall we?" When you break up, you don't say that to mean that you are going to go to lunch twice a week and call all the time to gab about things like your Moms' operation, it's just something you say to mean, "Let's not burn each other's houses down or boil each others' rabbits, OK?"

He is taking the idea of "Let's stay friends" to mean "let's hang out all the time and talk on the phone every day." If I wanted that, I wouldn't have broken it off.

How do I learn to enforce boundaries with this addict now we are not together when I couldn't ever do it with the addicts I dated in the past?

Every time he calls, I say, I am not interested in going to dinner. He tells me "well, will you call me when you want to go to dinner?" I told him "It's just not a good idea." But he still calls every day.

And he finds me at every meeting I go to. I don't know how to deal with it without being really mean. He doesn't have to go to the same meetings I go to. They are not convenient for him as he lives 45 minutes away, much nearer to the other area of meetings. He only does it to see me. And we hug at meetings, so he always comes up to me, even though I try to scuttle away, and insists on hugging me. It would look very unspiritual to hug everyone else but not him at NA.

It is messing with my recovery, because now I don't want to go to meetings a lot of nights because I don't want to be bothered by him. And don't tell me "that's why you shouldn't date in recovery." I now know that. I'm not dating any more. But how to I get this to stop in a graceful way?

Thanks,
KJ
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Old 02-22-2009, 12:13 AM
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(((((KJ)))))

Please talk with your sponsor about this. Then, I am afraid you are going to have to just say NO. NO do not call me. NO do not hug me. NO NO NO.

Are you being mean. NO. You are enforcing YOUR BOUNDARIES. He is trying to control you, one way or another. Have your sponsor and other women by your side, especially some real 'old NA Nazi types' rofl and he will get the message real quick. Also, in NA, as in AA, your sponsor, will talk to some of the men (with long time sobriety) that she knows in NA, if you ask her to, and they will set him straight. He will get the message.

If you put the word out, have faith, he will NO LONGER bother you. This is now bordering on 'stalking' and you DO NOT have to tolerate it one minute more.

Hope that helps a teeny bit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-22-2009, 03:50 AM
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Hey KJ...

Sounds like Laurie has a good plan...and I had no idea you could ask a sponsor for help of that sort.

I hope your harrassment ends soon. Huge hugs, HG
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Old 02-22-2009, 04:05 AM
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it's just something you say to mean, "Let's not burn each other's houses down or boil each others' rabbits, OK?"

okay you made me laugh. hard.

you may have to pull out the serious ammo... "deaf, dumb and blind" i call it. he's approaching you for a hug after a meeting? turn away and put your attention on someone or something else. you do not see him. he's calling on the phone? don't answer. he's somehow corralled you and is asking you to lunch or to gab about his mother? -- you have suddenly been struck dumb and don't say a word.

he is a boundariless person. you have to enforce all of them because he has none. it's not mean. it's self preservation. who cares if somebody notices you don't hug him? first of all i bet they won't. second, i bet even HE won't get it ... at first. but he will eventually and that's all that matters.

and yes, as has been suggested, it's a good idea to enlist the support of your group.

good luck. :hugs:
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:32 AM
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glad you posted here.i don't have any advise for you but i agree with laurie talk to your sponsor about this & don't take his phone calls at all. he will get tired of this & will find another scape goat to pay his way.
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:57 AM
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When my daughter was in her teen years she dated a boy that I knew was abusive. So I bought a copy of the book, Beauty and the Beast, and I would read it a lot. One of the things that I believe was in that book was about giving the obsessive person hope of a relationship. It said that if a person calls you 11 times and you do not answer the first ten, but then you pick up on the 11th time, that is telling him that he can still get to you. That has stuck with me because it applies to all situations in life where you want to enforce a boundary. It says to me, like Laurie said, NO means NO. My daughter is still in a similar situation with her boyfriend so I really do feel for you. Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:58 AM
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How the heck can you date someone for 8 weeks and even have them over at your place often enough to get sick of them? I wouldn't even let someone know where I live for at least a month, let alone have them over.

Please do not repeat this behaviour, you are almost guaranteed to get a sick man if you do.

I do not mean to be preaching, sorry if I come off that way.
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:11 AM
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dgillz, My daughter moved in with her boyfriend after knowing him for a week. And yes, I know that some are sicker than others. We all make mistakes, it is learning from that that is the important lesson Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post

He was ultra-manipulative, jealous, and controlling. He didn't work, tried to weasel money out of me, and would never respect my boundaries, and I wasn't good at enforcing them.

For instance, he would come over every night without invitation, go through my text messages, read my e-mail, call me a work several times in an hour for the stupidest of reasons ......


He said he wanted to stay friends,

Where exactly is the friendship in this relationship?

Change your phone number. Change your locks. Change your email address and passwords. While you are at it, change your all your PIN numbers. If he calls you at work, hang up. It's not rude to hang up on a stalker. And for goodness sake, clue in your Sponsor.
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Old 02-22-2009, 10:47 AM
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Hey KJ, I agree with the others, do you have caller id? If so, use it, I also agree with outtolunch, change email addresses and all passwords. This is borderline stalkerish to me. You may HAVE to get tough with him and just tell him like it is. He's obviously using the "Let's be friends" card to his full advantage to remain close to you.
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Old 02-22-2009, 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
It said that if a person calls you 11 times and you do not answer the first ten, but then you pick up on the 11th time, that is telling him that he can still get to you.
This is helpful info, thanks Marle. I didn't know that. I get anxious when he has called me repeatedly and sometimes I answer and let him talk for 1-2 minutes just to make him stop calling over and over. But after what you've said here, clearly that is just training him that if he calls me enough times, I will eventually pick up. I wish turning off the phone or changing the number was an option, because I'm ready to do that, but it's my work phone, and I'm almost always on call. So I will no longer answer the phone, ever for him. Hopefully he doesn't start calling from off other's phones.

I didn't tell you all that I have a fairly high visibility job and that I worry about being "outed" as being in recovery quite a bit. I'm always afraid that this guy will get mad and out me in the community. That's why it went on for 8 weeks instead of about 1. I felt like a hostage. That's why it took me getting together some nerve to break it off. I tried to break up with him several times before I stuck to my guns because each time he would make little veiled threats about how he has a bad temper and how I wouldn't like it if I made him mad. But thank goodness he never did anything yet.

Dgillz, I know it was stupid to let him insinuate himself into my life. I just didn't have the skills at that point to enforce personal boundaries. In fact, I didn't even really know much at all about "boundary issues." I've been trying to learn all I can since this has happened. I don't want to have this happen ever again. I wasn't trying to say it was a good idea to get that close with someone in two months. It just happened that way, and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like I was getting dragged along by a freight train. His personality was that much more forceful than mine.

But I have to say, usually when I go on a date, the person does pick me up at my house at least after the first couple of dates, so it is normal for them to know where I live. Isn't that normally the way, or have things changed so much in the modern world? I'm old to be dating, I guess, in my mid-forties.
I guess I have really bad taste in men. I'll stay single for a while, maybe years.

KJ
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Old 02-22-2009, 04:39 PM
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Well unless there is some incredibly pertinent reason for you to even know his name, I would suggest you dump this whole ordeal. Check my e-mails and texts? Done, sweetheart like dinner.

Move on from this one, NO CONTACT!
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