Talking to Addicted Sister
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 60
Talking to Addicted Sister
I talked to my sister on the phone this past week. She wanted me to try to get a number in her area code so that the collect phone calls would cost less. I tried explaining to her that it doesn't matter WHERE the collect call goes that the cost would be the same with the billing service that is being used, and she just doesn't get it. She rambled about how "these people are really making money off the inmates", and the dam that I've been holding back threatened to break loose.
I told her "Yep, imagine that.. crime costs", and from there I just went a little bit off track. I wanted to tell her how much her addiction has COST her family and her children, but I found myself "cushioning" things. I'm trying to be so careful with what I say to her lest she put her foot in the proverbial door over us getting custody of her three boys. She asked after Mom, and I flat out told her that this had HURT Mom, that with Mom's heart condition she's lucky it didn't flat out kill her. I found myself wanting to punish her for everything she's put us all through, even though punishing her wouldn't solve any of it.
I explained to her that I had to talk to a pediatrician who I had never met before, and ask if she was qualified to treat drug exposed children. Finding myself explaining to a stranger what my nephews had been exposed to, and reaching for answers when I find that I don't have all the questions.
I told her that her family felt GUILT because we didn't know, that we hadn't seen it, that we wished we had known so that we could have intervened and helped. Her only response was "well it was really bad back in 2002 before my oldest son was born, but it's not so bad now". When I asked her if she was learning anything in her program classes in jail, she smarted off with "Nope, it's just memorizing bible verses." I told her that they wouldn't have her memorizing random bible verses, that the ones they had assigned were given for a reason.
I wanted to tell her how devastated her family is. How Mom can't talk about it without feeling abysmal guilt, remorse, and absolute spiritual and physical agony. How my son can't even begin to understand how his beloved Aunt could do this, and is dealing with getting THREE new brothers at age 15. How her oldest sister is beggaring herself, and her family to send money to her in jail so that she can afford paper, stamps, and toothpaste etc when she can barely afford to support herself and her teenaged son. How my heart aches to the point that I make myself physically ill trying to find answers, trying to hold my family together, and trying to figure out how I am going to raise three boys who have no idea what a beautiful woman their mother once was. How her father keeps engaging in a fantasy that she's going to "beat this charge", and that everything will be just fine. How I found myself starting an argument with my husband just so he could wrap me in his arms and tell me it (whatever it was) was going to be ok. How I spent the past day in bed simply because I had reached the bottom of my coping bucket, and it was go to bed and sleep or go outside and rant and rave like a lunatic. How her stupidity and weakness have destroyed her own family, and how unfair it is that her children are missing out on their mother at their young age. How two of her sons are turning 1 and 2 this next month and she will miss it because Meth was more important to her than they were. How her oldest son had his sixth birthday in foster care, and is such an angry confused little boy. How her children will potentially have long term health risks and complications because of her addiction.
I found myself choking on all of these words. I literally wanted to throw up when I got off the phone with her. I want to write her and tell her. I have started the letter several times, and haven't done it because I don't want to risk losing the children. So I continue to be loving, supportive, and compassionate when my every instinct is to lash out and hurt her like she has hurt us. I know the feelings are petty, and counterproductive. I know that punishing her won't solve anything other than to vent my spleen. I KNOW all of this. I know that I am grieving, but I want her to GET IT, and I know that she likely never will. I had to listen to her tell me that her criminal trial had been continued and how HAPPY she was because the new judge is more "lenient". I find myself wanting them to switch the judge out last minute with a Judge Doom type who will in giving her max sentence MAYBE get to her in a way none of ever will be able to.
I was online last night, and someone who hasn't been around for a while logged into a game that I play. He started in with how he'd been in jail for Heroin and Cocaine, dealing and using, and how he'd been kicked out of his apt, but it wasn't his fault. Unfortunately he made a nice target. I told him YES it IS your fault. And that if he was looking for sympathy he could find it between Sh** and Syphilis in the dictionary. He thanked me for my candor, and I felt like a complete moron.
What's the point of this whole novel I've written? I don't think I have one.
I told her "Yep, imagine that.. crime costs", and from there I just went a little bit off track. I wanted to tell her how much her addiction has COST her family and her children, but I found myself "cushioning" things. I'm trying to be so careful with what I say to her lest she put her foot in the proverbial door over us getting custody of her three boys. She asked after Mom, and I flat out told her that this had HURT Mom, that with Mom's heart condition she's lucky it didn't flat out kill her. I found myself wanting to punish her for everything she's put us all through, even though punishing her wouldn't solve any of it.
I explained to her that I had to talk to a pediatrician who I had never met before, and ask if she was qualified to treat drug exposed children. Finding myself explaining to a stranger what my nephews had been exposed to, and reaching for answers when I find that I don't have all the questions.
I told her that her family felt GUILT because we didn't know, that we hadn't seen it, that we wished we had known so that we could have intervened and helped. Her only response was "well it was really bad back in 2002 before my oldest son was born, but it's not so bad now". When I asked her if she was learning anything in her program classes in jail, she smarted off with "Nope, it's just memorizing bible verses." I told her that they wouldn't have her memorizing random bible verses, that the ones they had assigned were given for a reason.
I wanted to tell her how devastated her family is. How Mom can't talk about it without feeling abysmal guilt, remorse, and absolute spiritual and physical agony. How my son can't even begin to understand how his beloved Aunt could do this, and is dealing with getting THREE new brothers at age 15. How her oldest sister is beggaring herself, and her family to send money to her in jail so that she can afford paper, stamps, and toothpaste etc when she can barely afford to support herself and her teenaged son. How my heart aches to the point that I make myself physically ill trying to find answers, trying to hold my family together, and trying to figure out how I am going to raise three boys who have no idea what a beautiful woman their mother once was. How her father keeps engaging in a fantasy that she's going to "beat this charge", and that everything will be just fine. How I found myself starting an argument with my husband just so he could wrap me in his arms and tell me it (whatever it was) was going to be ok. How I spent the past day in bed simply because I had reached the bottom of my coping bucket, and it was go to bed and sleep or go outside and rant and rave like a lunatic. How her stupidity and weakness have destroyed her own family, and how unfair it is that her children are missing out on their mother at their young age. How two of her sons are turning 1 and 2 this next month and she will miss it because Meth was more important to her than they were. How her oldest son had his sixth birthday in foster care, and is such an angry confused little boy. How her children will potentially have long term health risks and complications because of her addiction.
I found myself choking on all of these words. I literally wanted to throw up when I got off the phone with her. I want to write her and tell her. I have started the letter several times, and haven't done it because I don't want to risk losing the children. So I continue to be loving, supportive, and compassionate when my every instinct is to lash out and hurt her like she has hurt us. I know the feelings are petty, and counterproductive. I know that punishing her won't solve anything other than to vent my spleen. I KNOW all of this. I know that I am grieving, but I want her to GET IT, and I know that she likely never will. I had to listen to her tell me that her criminal trial had been continued and how HAPPY she was because the new judge is more "lenient". I find myself wanting them to switch the judge out last minute with a Judge Doom type who will in giving her max sentence MAYBE get to her in a way none of ever will be able to.
I was online last night, and someone who hasn't been around for a while logged into a game that I play. He started in with how he'd been in jail for Heroin and Cocaine, dealing and using, and how he'd been kicked out of his apt, but it wasn't his fault. Unfortunately he made a nice target. I told him YES it IS your fault. And that if he was looking for sympathy he could find it between Sh** and Syphilis in the dictionary. He thanked me for my candor, and I felt like a complete moron.
What's the point of this whole novel I've written? I don't think I have one.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Oh Sweetie, Your point was just to get all of your anger, hurt & frustration out. And that's okay, because we all truly understand. You & your family are feeling all of the pain from someone else's addiction. You are having to pick up the pieces that have left your sweet, innocent nephews in h@#%. And on top of it all, the A doesn't GET IT AT ALL!!! You can't make her get it, and you know that, so instead you held all of your emotions in check when you spoke to her. I'm glad you came here & let the guard down, sometimes we need to vent, holding it all in only makes us sick.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Sending you lots of Hugs.
Chris
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Sending you lots of Hugs.
Chris
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I can understand why you would be so very angry. It's hard enough to see her do this to herself, and even harder to see her do this to her children. Bless you for caring for her 3 children. I'm sure things will be difficult for them, but thank goodness they have you and your husband. They will have structure with you and they will see how to have a life without the chaos of drugs. I was partly raised by my grandparents because my mom's mental instability and drug abuse. I thank God every day that I had them to provide me with stability and love.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 60
Thank you all so much. I've not been here long, but you've all been so supportive and kind. I was talking to hubby earlier, and although I don't know that he understands why I feel the need to vent to "strangers" I think he's glad that I do. I explained to him that everyone here has been on one side or another of this same story, and most can relate to the situation. I am blessed with your kindness, understanding, and compassion.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
The point is that you needed to get these things off your chest.
I do that here a lot too. There's no point in venting to an addict because they don't get what you're saying. I'd love to yell and scream at my sister too, and sometimes I have, but it hasn't done any good whatsoever. She doesn't get it. She's still in active addiction and her mushy brain doesn't get what I'm saying. It's very unsatisfying.
When I vent here I get answers that make sense. I get people responding who've been there too who understand my point of view. I get empathy. I get support.
So yeah, there's a point.
(((hugs)))
I do that here a lot too. There's no point in venting to an addict because they don't get what you're saying. I'd love to yell and scream at my sister too, and sometimes I have, but it hasn't done any good whatsoever. She doesn't get it. She's still in active addiction and her mushy brain doesn't get what I'm saying. It's very unsatisfying.
When I vent here I get answers that make sense. I get people responding who've been there too who understand my point of view. I get empathy. I get support.
So yeah, there's a point.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
The point is to just find some relief somehow. Vent all you want! SR is nothing if not all about a good rant....then....the hugs, prayers, encouragement, occasional thumps on the head, and GREAT ideas start to come your way from people who completely understand.
Hugs to you, your husband, your (4 now) boys, HG
Hugs to you, your husband, your (4 now) boys, HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter has 9 months clean and she still does not get all the pain that she has caused. I believe it takes a very long time for an addict to truly understand. So you are right that venting to your sister may cause more harm for you and her children than it will do good. So come here and vent away. Sending prayers that you will find peace and that her children will now get the love that has been missing for so long in their young lives. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Hi Sun,
It is theraputic to rant. I have been in counselling because of the problems my AD has caused me and our family. My homework was to write letters to myself -- journaling, if you will, about the anger, pain, etc. that I felt. This doesn't solve the problems, however, it gives release to those who feel anger, pain, etc. I still do this and along with Nar-Anon meetings. We can't control them, but we can help ourselves.
What you are doing is great and what you have done for her children is a blessing.
It is theraputic to rant. I have been in counselling because of the problems my AD has caused me and our family. My homework was to write letters to myself -- journaling, if you will, about the anger, pain, etc. that I felt. This doesn't solve the problems, however, it gives release to those who feel anger, pain, etc. I still do this and along with Nar-Anon meetings. We can't control them, but we can help ourselves.
What you are doing is great and what you have done for her children is a blessing.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
sunflowers, write that letter you want to send to your sister. Then burn it. Writing it will help you to get out the feelings and the act of burning it will help you to let it go. It wont solve anything but it does help to free those emotions and when you know that they wont actually be reading it you can really let loose. I've written many of those letters - not for them but for me.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Venting is great and this is the place to do it. I can only suggest that when you feel that need to write your sister a letter, do so, just don’t mail it. She’s not going to get it, she’s not going to validate any of your or your families feelings, she isn’t capable of that right now.
Where are you with getting custody of her children? Have you begun the legal route yet?
Where are you with getting custody of her children? Have you begun the legal route yet?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 60
We've completed our interviews, home study, references etc. Right now we're playing the waiting game. Sometimes I wish I could take a cattle prod to social services, but unfortunately it's hurry up and wait situation. It doesn't stop me from calling them and making sure they have everything they need. At this point sacrificing goats in the backyard as an offering to the paperwork gods is starting to seem like a viable option. We've got the nursery for the babies all set up, and the door stays closed. There are days I just want to go in there and just smell the baby stuff *laughs*.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
(sunflower)))))
i think i wrote a similar post after i had custody of my nephews for a month or so (someone lovingly called it the most honest prayer he had read) - it was that post that brought me to my bottom - the point that i knew i had no control over any person, place or thing - most of all my sister (who wasn't imprisoned in jail but by crack) - i had to let go at that moment - it was let go or lose my mind - i chose to let go and let god - it sounds so simple but it is the truth - al anon helped me more than i can tell you...
as for telling your sister how you feel - do it - speak your truth - if i were you i'd print out this post and share it with her - it's honest, heartfelt and i don't think it's the least bit mean - i just wanted to welcome you to sr - keep coming back - it helped keep me sane...
it still does...
love,
sue
i think i wrote a similar post after i had custody of my nephews for a month or so (someone lovingly called it the most honest prayer he had read) - it was that post that brought me to my bottom - the point that i knew i had no control over any person, place or thing - most of all my sister (who wasn't imprisoned in jail but by crack) - i had to let go at that moment - it was let go or lose my mind - i chose to let go and let god - it sounds so simple but it is the truth - al anon helped me more than i can tell you...
as for telling your sister how you feel - do it - speak your truth - if i were you i'd print out this post and share it with her - it's honest, heartfelt and i don't think it's the least bit mean - i just wanted to welcome you to sr - keep coming back - it helped keep me sane...
it still does...
love,
sue
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 38
One cannot engage in at true conversation with a user, no matter what stage they are in. My sister is better right now but has started to complain about how she must "speak correctly" where she now works in order to be accepted. The users just think differently. They believe normal people are "uncool". They believe they are far higher and better than everyone else, and know how the human mind truly works. Until they are lying on the floor begging, they don't care about anyone. Then when they are back up, their attitudes jump back up as well.
Speaking with an addicted sister is the same as speaking to the enemy. She uses you. She cannot understand much, just as from the Biblical readings. I remember far back when my sister used to order amphetamines from porn magazines. When I came home from school, she ordered me to go outside to pick up the mail so no one would see her fetching it. I would argue with her. What difference would it make? It was addressed to her!!!!! It was just a brown box! The post office had already seen it, to neighbors it was just a brown box. But no, her state of mind was set. So, if the brown box was there it had to be taken inside and hidden in her closet where Mom and Dad wouldn't be able to find it when they came home if she wasn't there. If she was, she didn't want to be the one seen carrying it in. I just did what she ordered for awhile because I was so young and she was so commanding. She also had other friends around who she informed me she would tell I was "uncool" if I didn't do it. Childish gameplay. But it hurt me and was just one of the many elements which destroyed our relationship. I showed one of the magazines to a friend who's Dad was an Officer, and then we sat down to dinner and talked to him about it and I asked for help. His answer? He said he was disallowed to step outside his assignments. However, awhile later, an Officer did appear at school asking me if I needed help regarding something else. So, perhaps he did mention it and it was all put together. He was always a nice man.
All care and wishes to you. All my support!
Speaking with an addicted sister is the same as speaking to the enemy. She uses you. She cannot understand much, just as from the Biblical readings. I remember far back when my sister used to order amphetamines from porn magazines. When I came home from school, she ordered me to go outside to pick up the mail so no one would see her fetching it. I would argue with her. What difference would it make? It was addressed to her!!!!! It was just a brown box! The post office had already seen it, to neighbors it was just a brown box. But no, her state of mind was set. So, if the brown box was there it had to be taken inside and hidden in her closet where Mom and Dad wouldn't be able to find it when they came home if she wasn't there. If she was, she didn't want to be the one seen carrying it in. I just did what she ordered for awhile because I was so young and she was so commanding. She also had other friends around who she informed me she would tell I was "uncool" if I didn't do it. Childish gameplay. But it hurt me and was just one of the many elements which destroyed our relationship. I showed one of the magazines to a friend who's Dad was an Officer, and then we sat down to dinner and talked to him about it and I asked for help. His answer? He said he was disallowed to step outside his assignments. However, awhile later, an Officer did appear at school asking me if I needed help regarding something else. So, perhaps he did mention it and it was all put together. He was always a nice man.
All care and wishes to you. All my support!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
my ad claims to be clean for 8 months now. trying to communicate with her is not worth the aggravation. I feel she holds an underlying anger towards me.Plus she is not happy with herself but would NEVER want to hear that. SR is my sounding and venting board! There are times that I am so frusrtated with her that the minuste she leaves I'm on this site for my well being.I used to think that if she was clean it could all be back to the way it used to be before 4 yrs of crack. If she is clean, she popped out a dent in a total wreck, but she feels she has it ALL under control
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