lovemykids

I have been spending hours on here and it really does help but at the same time I am scared to death for my daughter.

I am terrified that she will one day go back to drugs. I am trying to live for now and take everything in but it is like I am the one in a fog, I will be fine one moment then the lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, the pain in my heart.....it is ongoing. I am also so worried about my other daughter. She is not taking drugs now and she gets so upset if she misses one of her meetings, like yesterday she was home sick from school and after school was a meeting. This weekend I am going to take the time to really talk to her again. We do talk of course and I tell her everyday how much I love her. I find however that she is disrespectful at times and seems distant. None of this is easy for her and she is missing her sister etc...I need her to open up to me more.

My mother tonight said that she feels that my oldest was using drugs and in rehab because I spoiled my oldest daughter. I don't think that I mentioned to my mother that my other daughter was taking drugs too. I said to my mother "Mom, I can't blame this on me or I will go crazy." I have no favorites with my children, I love them all equally but for different reasons as they are all different souls.

She said that she wasn't blaming me but that she felt my oldest was given too much etc....

The reason why I am saying that I can't blame myself too is because of here, soberrecovery.com, before I came here I did blame myself.....

I also found out last night that one of my Best friends cancer came back and she was given 6 to 12 months to live by her specialist yesterday. She is not doing that great health wise and I want so badly to go see her but she lives so far away and right now my children need me here with and for them.

Driving to work earlier today just before picking up one of my friends/coworker the tears were there, I was actually able to control it before my friend got in the car but just barely. I was thinking how I am hanging by a thin piece of thread right now and it is ready to break but I can't afford emotionally for it to break. I have to be strong for my children and my friend.

My daughter called from rehab again this evening, she sounds great and is already planning her future where as I can seem to only go from day to day right now. I want her to succeed of course and she will be finishing her high school at rehab but she started talking about applying next week for college in the fall, getting an apartment etc..... I told her that she would be better off in a dorm on campus and eating there.

I don't want to think about that all right now, I find it is way too fast but at the same time I don't want to discourage her. I want her to focus on healing and yes finish her high school while she is there but, always a but, I keep thinking if she is so far away on her own she will use drugs again. I understand that I have to one day let her go, it just hurts me to hear of plans for the future when I can only seem to deal with one day at a time. I am supposed to be the strong one, it is just hard at times. I have been praying a lot more then usual, I could sure use a bit of help from God to help my family and I get through this. Maybe that is how I finally found you all here.

Thanks for listening.

Chino

Have you considered Alanon or Naranon? Do you have the resources for a therapist?

You said you can't emotionally afford breaking that thin piece of thread, but I'd like to suggest maybe you can't afford it not breaking? Every emotion you're feeling and repressing is becoming toxic inside you. If you don't release it you will collapse. It isn't if, it's when.

You're worried about your daughter relapsing. Well, my therapist let me know 5-7 relapses are pretty common before an addict finally decides to stop for good. Since my daughter's first detox almost two years ago, she's relapsed four times, each time becoming shorter in duration. All I can do is enjoy her being clean today.

Your daughter's have a disease and it's one they will live with for the rest of their lives. No matter where they live the addiction will live with them. They can limit their exposure to outside influences with sober living facilities and you might be surprised how many college towns have them. Living at home didn't stop their addictions and it won't prevent them either.

You have absolutely no control over their addictions. You were powerless to prevent them and you're powerless to control them. Understanding that is just the first half of the equation. Accepting it is the other half and it will set you free.

We grieve the loss of our dreams and their lost innocence, but as long as they're alive and working a recovery, there's always hope and new dreams.

I'm going to bed now and will add you to my prayers. That God grants you serenity and your daughters ongoing sobriety.

winnie12

I have gone through so many of the emotions that you are going through now. First thought is with the "dreams and plans" of a teenager. I had a hard time with that - a counselor helped me through it. She explained that this is normal teenage behavior. They have pie in the sky dreams - they change every day - they are typically unrealistic and not always the best thing for them. A year in the life of a teenager can have such drastic and complete changes. So - dont sweat her dreaming about things - dont argue with her about it either. Just understand that she is just verbalizing a dream just like every other teenager and let it go with that. You have to focus on today even if she is rambling on about pipe dreams and things that you know are not good for her. My counselor told me to just say "sounds great," "i hope that works well." simple statements that dont beat my AS out of his dreams but where I dont give an opinion on them. Above all, dont tell her what to do in her future - that's her future not yours. i found this to be a huge point of detachment from AS's problems and decisions.

Since i've gone through multiple jail, rehab, hospital stints I finally accept the fact that my son has this problem for life. Be patient with yourself - it took me almost two years to accept. I know that rehab is not going to stop my son from being an addict. He went in an addict and he will come out an addict. The only thing is that in rehab he learns tools how to handle his addiction. What they do with the knowledge afterwards is up to them. I looked for the quick fix for a long time. Now i realize that this is a journey not a sprint. Each step he has taken has been another step in the journey. When you look at it as a long journey you dont have unrealistic expectations.

My son may get out and never use again. My son may get out and relapse a few times. My son may get out and go head first into a life of drugs. My son may die of a drug overdose. My son may live a long and happy life. This is with every kid - we just dont know what they are going to do. There is nothing i can do about that. No amount of worrying, talking, lecturing, or controlling will change that. So I give him up to my HP. What will happen with my son? Well I dont know but in time i will know. For now and for today he is safe and for that I'm thankful. I will not worry about tomorrow - tomorrow will worry about itself. Your daughter needs some time to learn new ways and you need time to learn new ways.

You WILL get through this. It feels as though all of your dreams for your child are dying and you are facing your worst fears. Dont let those fears and your imagination control you because they are not real. You have a new reality and you must grieve the loss of the old dreams and accept your child for who she is.

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Serenity Bound

lovemykids, Chino & Winnie summed it up so well, I can only agree with them 100%. I, to,have gone thru all the same emotions, blame, etc. I was very close to a nervous breakdown by the time I walked into the rooms of Al-anon/Nar-anon.

And sometimes, I realize that I NEED to cry, I NEED to let those emotions out.

Sending you lost of Hugs & Prayers!
Chris

lovemykids

Thank you all so very much

racaple78

I'm so glad for you that you have found SR, and that this can be a place for you to vent your emotions. The people here are so warm and inviting, and they have truly helped me out a lot.

cece

"""" Lovemykids""""
I can so relate to that downward spiraling feeling where the anxiety feelings seem to be increasing just when you thought they would be subsiding. I agree with the others. You need to focus on your own recovery from all of this and trust that your daughters are exactly where they need to be right now.

One thing I have come to realize about myself is that when I am in the middle of a crisis I "seem" to be handling things well and seem to have the strength to function. I can focus on just surviving so it was easy to look at life " One Day at a Time". It was when the crisis was over I would fall apart and not know what to do next and worried about the future. And all my old habits of worry and fear and depression from lack of control, emerged.

When my son was at his worst. I didn't think about where or what he would be doing next year, but if he would survive that week. When he seemed to be doing better and making better decisions and I started to have hopes and dreams for him again, that's when my old patterns of fearing the unknowns and wanting to help or " control" his decisions resurfaced.
Maybe you are feeling like you are falling apart because you feel like you can? That you are finally breathing again and it hurts to look around and really see things? Thats how it often felt for me.
Maybe its a signal that you need to focus on you and your feelings for a bit and trust that even if your daughters slip, God is with them in a way that you can never be.and that whats going to happen to them or what your mother thinks, cannot be controled by you, but what you think about can be.

:ghug3