I got played again!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
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Also realize that no matter how hard you try your kids are going to come up with some type of resentments against you as teens/young adults. I got a divorce from my kids' father when my son was only one. He can't even remember when we were together. But every time his back is against the wall, he throws it out there "Well I am from a broken home! I don't have a father. That's probably why I'm failing Algebra/didn't load the dishwasher/skipped home room this morning." So don't try to be too perfect, or they'll have no excuses left....lol!!!
KJ
KJ
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Good morning everybody! 
I just want to tell you guys that I love you so much and without your words of wisdom, tough love, encouragement and confidence in me, I could have never gotten AH out of the house and into treatment. How can I ever repay you?
We had a good night and we will have a good day today. One day at a time right. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow, much less the future today. I'm going to enjoy being home and spending time with my littlest daughter. She hasn't had much of me this week since I've worked 6 days and have meetings two nights a week. We need each other right now.
I told my oldest daughter who lives two hours away, basically what has happened and she was pretty cool and very supportive. Part of me thinks she likes the drama because she likes "taking care" of me. She is not going to tell the other members of my family is going to give me a minute to acclamate to what has happened.
You know, I've run my husband out several times. A couple of times he's just left. Most recently, he took a job two hours away in September and lived there until the second week of January so I'm used to him being gone. Not having him in the house is not a new thing. It's more like not knowing where he is. I am just trusting that God has a hold of him and he's doing what he needs to do to be the man I know he wants to be so please, if everybody could just lift him up and say a prayer for him too, I would appreciate it.
I just want to tell you guys that I love you so much and without your words of wisdom, tough love, encouragement and confidence in me, I could have never gotten AH out of the house and into treatment. How can I ever repay you?
We had a good night and we will have a good day today. One day at a time right. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow, much less the future today. I'm going to enjoy being home and spending time with my littlest daughter. She hasn't had much of me this week since I've worked 6 days and have meetings two nights a week. We need each other right now.
I told my oldest daughter who lives two hours away, basically what has happened and she was pretty cool and very supportive. Part of me thinks she likes the drama because she likes "taking care" of me. She is not going to tell the other members of my family is going to give me a minute to acclamate to what has happened.
You know, I've run my husband out several times. A couple of times he's just left. Most recently, he took a job two hours away in September and lived there until the second week of January so I'm used to him being gone. Not having him in the house is not a new thing. It's more like not knowing where he is. I am just trusting that God has a hold of him and he's doing what he needs to do to be the man I know he wants to be so please, if everybody could just lift him up and say a prayer for him too, I would appreciate it.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by nytepassion 
Addiction has a voice and it is speaking through John, Try not to take it personally. This is the wrath that is unleashed when the addiction is threatened or made uncomfortable.
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Hope you are on an upward turn from here on out MM, hang in there, you should be P R O U D of yourself girl!!
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Thanks!
I'm probably going to get some slack for this but this afternoon I rode around to the treatment places that I know of and found his truck. He is at a good place. As I was pulling back through though, I drove past everybody outside smoking and he was standing there with his hands on hips looking at me. He looked furious.
I called the place and asked what the visitation schedule was and if anything could be dropped off and while I was on the phone with them, a strange number called and I got off the phone with the treatment center and answered. It was him.
He was sobbing. The first thing out of his mouth was "I am so sorry for the filth that came out of my mouth the other day and I want you to know that that is not the last thing you ever remember me saying to you because I didn't mean it and you didn't deserve what I said to you".
I told him that I knew the place from where those words came from and although it initially really hurt me - I had some good friends who helped me process and understand what he was probably going through then.
He said his supervisor pulled some strings and the VA called and that's how he got into that treatment center (a place where he's been trying to work for a while so I know he had to eat some crow when he walked in - plus he knows people there). He said that they had only approved a week of treatment so far and he is supposed to call the VA tomorrow after he talks to the counselor and a doctor to see where he goes next.
He said they have taken him off all his medicines (he takes Remron and Clonopin for post traumatic stress disorder/depression and anxiety) and that they took him off the methadone and put him on suboxone. He said the withdrawals from this regular Rx's has been minimal but the emotional distress over what he's done and said were almost unbearable. We can't afford suboxone. Part of the purpose of the suboxone was his long history of opiate addiction. It won't help with his pain issues.
He hung up sounding a little better and said he was going to a church service (Amen!).
That's all I know for now. I was beginning to doubt he went to treatment after a couple of things that were hinted at on SR and by others so I'm relieved that he really IS somewhere and not hanging out at some crackhouse.
The ironic thing is I thought about going to an Al-Anon meeting at this treatment place today but I really wanted to not drop my daughter off at yet another day care or babysitter this week She was needing some mommy time. They have a 4:00 meeting but the last time I went, it was a bunch of older ladies, most of them were widows, and they were still going to meetings even after their A's were long gone. That baffled me and I felt a little out of place even though they were very sweet. It's the only Al-Anon meeting on the weekends that I know of.
I'm probably going to get some slack for this but this afternoon I rode around to the treatment places that I know of and found his truck. He is at a good place. As I was pulling back through though, I drove past everybody outside smoking and he was standing there with his hands on hips looking at me. He looked furious.
I called the place and asked what the visitation schedule was and if anything could be dropped off and while I was on the phone with them, a strange number called and I got off the phone with the treatment center and answered. It was him.
He was sobbing. The first thing out of his mouth was "I am so sorry for the filth that came out of my mouth the other day and I want you to know that that is not the last thing you ever remember me saying to you because I didn't mean it and you didn't deserve what I said to you".
I told him that I knew the place from where those words came from and although it initially really hurt me - I had some good friends who helped me process and understand what he was probably going through then.
He said his supervisor pulled some strings and the VA called and that's how he got into that treatment center (a place where he's been trying to work for a while so I know he had to eat some crow when he walked in - plus he knows people there). He said that they had only approved a week of treatment so far and he is supposed to call the VA tomorrow after he talks to the counselor and a doctor to see where he goes next.
He said they have taken him off all his medicines (he takes Remron and Clonopin for post traumatic stress disorder/depression and anxiety) and that they took him off the methadone and put him on suboxone. He said the withdrawals from this regular Rx's has been minimal but the emotional distress over what he's done and said were almost unbearable. We can't afford suboxone. Part of the purpose of the suboxone was his long history of opiate addiction. It won't help with his pain issues.
He hung up sounding a little better and said he was going to a church service (Amen!).
That's all I know for now. I was beginning to doubt he went to treatment after a couple of things that were hinted at on SR and by others so I'm relieved that he really IS somewhere and not hanging out at some crackhouse.
The ironic thing is I thought about going to an Al-Anon meeting at this treatment place today but I really wanted to not drop my daughter off at yet another day care or babysitter this week She was needing some mommy time. They have a 4:00 meeting but the last time I went, it was a bunch of older ladies, most of them were widows, and they were still going to meetings even after their A's were long gone. That baffled me and I felt a little out of place even though they were very sweet. It's the only Al-Anon meeting on the weekends that I know of.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
It's me again. I just wanted to share something with you that for some reason has me bouncing off the walls - giddy and happy.
Throughout this whole process with AH, I've expressed how much he hated this website and hated everything that came out of my mouth - always discrediting it as being viable information and anything but far out opinions and conjecture.
Tonight, AH told me about the family education program at the treatment center he's at but indicated that I was free to come but I had done such a good job already with educating myself that I probably didn't need to come. He told me that that was what made him so mad - he was no longer the only expert in the house and that I was getting more and more difficult to manipulate and that I was more saavy, on top of things and quicker to establish boundaries and it made him crazy because it allowed him less room to do what he wanted to do.
Tomorrow I'll know better what kind of program he is going to go to after this week. I've been collecting names of places and so has his sister. The VA has some 30 day inpatient treatment centers that are within a day's drive from here though they may recommend intensive outpatient treatment
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
dear sweet lady,
hugs to you.
Please try to bear in mind that what he is doing is HIS business.
I feel sort of awful about what I am going to say, but your situation moved me to tears, being all too familiar........in my experience after the temper tantrum......he would switch to an uncanny understanding of the situation and re-romance me.
I hope you might be wiser than I was....and detach and allow time to pass and to see only actions.
I hope everything is on the up and up.........but I am wary of things that seemingly turn around over night, so to speak.
hugs!
hugs to you.
Please try to bear in mind that what he is doing is HIS business.
I feel sort of awful about what I am going to say, but your situation moved me to tears, being all too familiar........in my experience after the temper tantrum......he would switch to an uncanny understanding of the situation and re-romance me.
I hope you might be wiser than I was....and detach and allow time to pass and to see only actions.
I hope everything is on the up and up.........but I am wary of things that seemingly turn around over night, so to speak.
hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Sweetie, everything in you last several posts is about what HE is doing, getting phone numbers for treatment for him, what HE said, how HE is feeling.
I know you love him, and you are hopeful that this time is the time he "gets" recovery. But please, do yourself a favor and put your focus back on you and the kids. Let him work his own recovery..find out his own phone numbers..remember, he used to do this for a living..he's better equipped to do this than anyone.
When we A's work our own recovery, it has a bigger impact on us. Sure, we may whine or complain about how hard it is, at the time, but it gives us the confidence to keep moving forward.
If you make his recovery easy...he will think it's no big deal, and using again may not be such a bad idea because "hey, recovery wasn't so hard".
Think about it, okay?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know you love him, and you are hopeful that this time is the time he "gets" recovery. But please, do yourself a favor and put your focus back on you and the kids. Let him work his own recovery..find out his own phone numbers..remember, he used to do this for a living..he's better equipped to do this than anyone.
When we A's work our own recovery, it has a bigger impact on us. Sure, we may whine or complain about how hard it is, at the time, but it gives us the confidence to keep moving forward.
If you make his recovery easy...he will think it's no big deal, and using again may not be such a bad idea because "hey, recovery wasn't so hard".
Think about it, okay?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Magoo - I'm glad he is in treatment.
I agree with what Amy said.
Just as you know so much about addiction - he knows just as much about codependency. So his addict mind will be looking for you to show more interest in him than in yourself. You can be kind and compassionate - but you don't have to go out of your way for anything for him. He has to do this all on his own.
Concentrate on yourself and what it is that you want. What are your boundaries? If he doesn't get into another place in a week - what are your boundaries?
You can be grateful that he is getting help - but be even more grateful that you are getting a break from crazy making and that you are able to make boundaries for yourself. Your AH knows very well - that you will be putting those boundaries in place.
Remember that in your AH there is the "other guy" - that will start talking. Stay clear and present with yourself Magoo - to know when it's the "other guy" or "RAH" talking! ya know?
BIG love xoxoxo
I agree with what Amy said.
Just as you know so much about addiction - he knows just as much about codependency. So his addict mind will be looking for you to show more interest in him than in yourself. You can be kind and compassionate - but you don't have to go out of your way for anything for him. He has to do this all on his own.
Concentrate on yourself and what it is that you want. What are your boundaries? If he doesn't get into another place in a week - what are your boundaries?
You can be grateful that he is getting help - but be even more grateful that you are getting a break from crazy making and that you are able to make boundaries for yourself. Your AH knows very well - that you will be putting those boundaries in place.
Remember that in your AH there is the "other guy" - that will start talking. Stay clear and present with yourself Magoo - to know when it's the "other guy" or "RAH" talking! ya know?
BIG love xoxoxo
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo
The ironic thing is I thought about going to an Al-Anon meeting at this treatment place today but I really wanted to not drop my daughter off at yet another day care or babysitter this week She was needing some mommy time. They have a 4:00 meeting but the last time I went, it was a bunch of older ladies, most of them were widows, and they were still going to meetings even after their A's were long gone. That baffled me and I felt a little out of place even though they were very sweet. It's the only Al-Anon meeting on the weekends that I know of.
I certainly don't stop attending AA because I've been sober several years now.
Maybe it's just me, but 99% of what you posted I saw as you getting your feel-goods from what he's doing/saying.
That concerns me.
As I've said before, with him having worked in the field of addictions counseling, he knows enough to be dangerous.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I know ya'll are right - I did sorta "get off" on what he had to say and it was rewarding after banging my head against the wall for so long and wondering if I was doing it right or not.
I am stepping back. He did ask me my opinion or if I had any preferences about what comes next and I told him that was not my decision to make. I think what he was asking is if I was going insist on a 30 day program, 90 day program, 10 mo. program or two year program (inpatient). I told him that the VA, his counselor and doctors could decide that but some kind of intensive program would be required (by me) to be allowed back into my home.
I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. He is going to sign something today that allows me to talk to his counselor/doctor/nurses whatever. He said in theory, I should be able to call up there and ask for any of them and talk to them but the reality is, it probably won't work out like that. As much as I don't want to get involved and I want to make him responsible, I almost want to talk to somebody that he's talked to so that I can get "both sides" of the plan.
I found out alot of stuff about his last two detoxes when social services got his medical records. Stuff that wasn't offered up to me. She wasn't supposed to disclose what she read but she thought it was stuff I should know and I was very grateful for the little tidbits.
I am stepping back. He did ask me my opinion or if I had any preferences about what comes next and I told him that was not my decision to make. I think what he was asking is if I was going insist on a 30 day program, 90 day program, 10 mo. program or two year program (inpatient). I told him that the VA, his counselor and doctors could decide that but some kind of intensive program would be required (by me) to be allowed back into my home.
I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. He is going to sign something today that allows me to talk to his counselor/doctor/nurses whatever. He said in theory, I should be able to call up there and ask for any of them and talk to them but the reality is, it probably won't work out like that. As much as I don't want to get involved and I want to make him responsible, I almost want to talk to somebody that he's talked to so that I can get "both sides" of the plan.
I found out alot of stuff about his last two detoxes when social services got his medical records. Stuff that wasn't offered up to me. She wasn't supposed to disclose what she read but she thought it was stuff I should know and I was very grateful for the little tidbits.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo
I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. He is going to sign something today that allows me to talk to his counselor/doctor/nurses whatever. He said in theory, I should be able to call up there and ask for any of them and talk to them but the reality is, it probably won't work out like that. As much as I don't want to get involved and I want to make him responsible, I almost want to talk to somebody that he's talked to so that I can get "both sides" of the plan.
You're all sucked back again into his stuff.
He's an adult. Has his pattern over the past shown he needs to demonstrate some long-term solid recovery in order to be a part of your life, or not?
How about no contact for at least 30 days, period?
It was a real wake-up call for me when I spent the majority of my rehab without calls/visits from family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo
I'm probably going to get some slack for this but this afternoon I rode around to the treatment places that I know of and found his truck. He is at a good place. As I was pulling back through though, I drove past everybody outside smoking and he was standing there with his hands on hips looking at me. He looked furious..
Please be cautious, please look past his words, at least for now. Don't let yourself give in, believing he is sincere at this point. It is too early for that! My first husband, from many years back, abused me both mentally and physically, and always knew the "right" things to say to lure me back!
I'm new here and don't know most of your story, but I can remember how manipulating by ex was and how I fell for it more than once.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
My Dear Friend, I think the "older, widow ladies" was a pretty poor excuse for not going to this Alanon Meeting you were talking about. And as many treatment centers that you have told me about in your area, I imagine there is more than one weekend Alanon Meeting. You've put a great deal of time into making tons of phone calls and driving around to make sure John "is safe." I feel you need to put more time into making calls for yourself, finding Alanon Meetings, private Counseling for you, ect. than you have in John's Recovery. It's like I've told you, I have to put more time into my Recovery than I did my using.
Please get the focus back to where it needs to be, on you!
If you're worrying about what John is doing and John is worrying about what you're doing, then, you're going to be right back to where you are right now, Janet worrying about what John is doing and John worrying about what Janet is doing.
This leaves no one focusing on what they real problem is and who can control what part of the real problem. You've admitted to me and here on SR that it's like John is your drug of choice. You know he's no good for you, but you still keep going back. I'm not trying to tell you to file for divorce, quite the opposite. Just hold off on any major decisions and I think letting him come home after only one week of being inpatient (if that's all the VA will approve) is way too fast. You're both going to be right back to you worrying about what John is doing and not focusing on your Recovery. And John will be worrying about what you're doing and he won't be focusing on his Recovery.
Do you see just how vicious this cycle of addiction is?
Much love & Hugs,
Judy
Please get the focus back to where it needs to be, on you!
If you're worrying about what John is doing and John is worrying about what you're doing, then, you're going to be right back to where you are right now, Janet worrying about what John is doing and John worrying about what Janet is doing.
This leaves no one focusing on what they real problem is and who can control what part of the real problem. You've admitted to me and here on SR that it's like John is your drug of choice. You know he's no good for you, but you still keep going back. I'm not trying to tell you to file for divorce, quite the opposite. Just hold off on any major decisions and I think letting him come home after only one week of being inpatient (if that's all the VA will approve) is way too fast. You're both going to be right back to you worrying about what John is doing and not focusing on your Recovery. And John will be worrying about what you're doing and he won't be focusing on his Recovery.
Do you see just how vicious this cycle of addiction is?
Much love & Hugs,
Judy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Nyte, your being quiet....that kinda worries me as it is out of character for you sweetie.
Judy - I love you and I do see the cycle you wrote about. I understand this....I began detaching from John when he took out of town work, actually, probably before that because it was not that difficult to let him go. I cannot put him out in the streets if he's going to be actively working a program and moving heaven and earth to be the man he was when I met him.
I am telling you, I promise, not to get caught up in his recovery because I will continue to focus on my own and taking care of the children. The terms will be clear if he comes home that he must, must, must be in outpatient treatment which will subject him to drug tests and that he must, must, must be a participant in the household. I don't know how outpatient treatment works with jobs but he needs to become a recovery junkie. The last time, he did sometimes 2 daytime meetings a day and then another at night. He needs to fill his time with recovery related or employment endeavers.
I can honestly say that I have changed after this last fiasco. Everytime it happens I change more and more and I am pretty comfortable today with where I am at emotionally because my world is not revolving around him.
I will check the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon schedule and see when and where the other meetings are. Child care is an issue it seems which is why I like my Celebrate Recovery meetings on Friday night's - we have child care.
I have to say too, the reason why the widow's were bothersome to me is because is was an Al-Anon meeting and the DRUGS were the biggest problem (for me as I'm a little desensitized to the drinking) and I didn't want to shock these sweet little old ladies into an early grave by talking about something they in no way could relate to. That's why I felt uncomforable - because their only experience was with alcohol related issues and I had multiple issues (and kids in the room because there was no child care).
I'm probably regretting this post already. I'm sorry. I know all of you want what's best for me and I know everything you say is because you care.
Progress - not perfection right?
Judy - I love you and I do see the cycle you wrote about. I understand this....I began detaching from John when he took out of town work, actually, probably before that because it was not that difficult to let him go. I cannot put him out in the streets if he's going to be actively working a program and moving heaven and earth to be the man he was when I met him.
I am telling you, I promise, not to get caught up in his recovery because I will continue to focus on my own and taking care of the children. The terms will be clear if he comes home that he must, must, must be in outpatient treatment which will subject him to drug tests and that he must, must, must be a participant in the household. I don't know how outpatient treatment works with jobs but he needs to become a recovery junkie. The last time, he did sometimes 2 daytime meetings a day and then another at night. He needs to fill his time with recovery related or employment endeavers.
I can honestly say that I have changed after this last fiasco. Everytime it happens I change more and more and I am pretty comfortable today with where I am at emotionally because my world is not revolving around him.
I will check the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon schedule and see when and where the other meetings are. Child care is an issue it seems which is why I like my Celebrate Recovery meetings on Friday night's - we have child care.
I have to say too, the reason why the widow's were bothersome to me is because is was an Al-Anon meeting and the DRUGS were the biggest problem (for me as I'm a little desensitized to the drinking) and I didn't want to shock these sweet little old ladies into an early grave by talking about something they in no way could relate to. That's why I felt uncomforable - because their only experience was with alcohol related issues and I had multiple issues (and kids in the room because there was no child care).
I'm probably regretting this post already. I'm sorry. I know all of you want what's best for me and I know everything you say is because you care.
Progress - not perfection right?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
[quote=MrsMagoo;
I can honestly say that I have changed after this last fiasco. Everytime it happens I change more and more and I am pretty comfortable today with where I am at emotionally because my world is not revolving around him.]
MrsM, I really don't see it. I still see you being more emotionally involved in his recovery than your own.
I will check the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon schedule and see when and where the other meetings are. Child care is an issue it seems which is why I like my Celebrate Recovery meetings on Friday night's - we have child care.
I know that it is not the best, however I have taken my gd's to meetings with me, and my RAD does also.
I have to say too, the reason why the widow's were bothersome to me is because is was an Al-Anon meeting and the DRUGS were the biggest problem (for me as I'm a little desensitized to the drinking) and I didn't want to shock these sweet little old ladies into an early grave by talking about something they in no way could relate to. That's why I felt uncomforable - because their only experience was with alcohol related issues and I had multiple issues (and kids in the room because there was no child care).
As far as I can see, addiction is addiction no matter what the DOC, whether it be alcohol or drugs. In the beginning I attended both Al-alon & Nar-anon, and I gotta tell you that some of the older women and men, (in Ala-non) knew exactly how I felt. And their insight & recovery was very helpful to me. Don't make too many excuses to yourself, please take care of you, you're right we DO care, and you are so worth it.
[Progress - not perfection right?]
Thank God for that, because we each work our program in our own way & time. With help from all who care.
Hugs,
Chris
I can honestly say that I have changed after this last fiasco. Everytime it happens I change more and more and I am pretty comfortable today with where I am at emotionally because my world is not revolving around him.]
MrsM, I really don't see it. I still see you being more emotionally involved in his recovery than your own.
I will check the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon schedule and see when and where the other meetings are. Child care is an issue it seems which is why I like my Celebrate Recovery meetings on Friday night's - we have child care.
I know that it is not the best, however I have taken my gd's to meetings with me, and my RAD does also.
I have to say too, the reason why the widow's were bothersome to me is because is was an Al-Anon meeting and the DRUGS were the biggest problem (for me as I'm a little desensitized to the drinking) and I didn't want to shock these sweet little old ladies into an early grave by talking about something they in no way could relate to. That's why I felt uncomforable - because their only experience was with alcohol related issues and I had multiple issues (and kids in the room because there was no child care).
As far as I can see, addiction is addiction no matter what the DOC, whether it be alcohol or drugs. In the beginning I attended both Al-alon & Nar-anon, and I gotta tell you that some of the older women and men, (in Ala-non) knew exactly how I felt. And their insight & recovery was very helpful to me. Don't make too many excuses to yourself, please take care of you, you're right we DO care, and you are so worth it.
[Progress - not perfection right?]
Thank God for that, because we each work our program in our own way & time. With help from all who care.
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have to agree with Anvil. I still see a big director's wand being waved around, Mrs. Magoo.
I'll reiterate-when I relapsed, there was no rehab, no intensive outpatient, just me dragging my humiliated carcass back up the steps of AA when I had hurt enough.
There was no significant other to come home to with stipulations.
From my perspective, you're still cushioning the fall for him.
Your posts were completely different when he was still in the home, and you were determined to do whatever it took to protect you and those kids.
I don't see that anymore, and it makes me sad.
I'll reiterate-when I relapsed, there was no rehab, no intensive outpatient, just me dragging my humiliated carcass back up the steps of AA when I had hurt enough.
There was no significant other to come home to with stipulations.
From my perspective, you're still cushioning the fall for him.
Your posts were completely different when he was still in the home, and you were determined to do whatever it took to protect you and those kids.
I don't see that anymore, and it makes me sad.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Janet,
I am being quiet because there isn't anything I can say that I haven't said already, but since you insist
okay here goes.
You drive around looking for his car? Why? In whose best interest was that for? Was that for the benefit of your recovery?
You get him names and numbers for/of places he can call or go to. Whose recovery does that benefit?
You're already talking about what he will or won't be allowed to do WHEN HE COMES HOME (He hasn't even had a chance to come down long enough to get a clue yet)
But yet, he has already appeased you by going to a program. That is really all you needed him to do in order for you to be happy and then you're off to planning your future with him in it.
This is no quick fix. He has a long hard road ahead of him and if you make it all cushy comfy then the addict thinks he can just cut it short and come home.
Hands off the addict - hands off his recovery.
I wouldn't even begin to consider letting him come home until he has a year of recovery time under belt.
He needs to be free to (pardon my french) sh!t or get off the pot. If you leave him alone in his recovery then he will be free focus on recovery. He doesn't need to be distracted by the happy little honeymoon awaiting him when he has jumped through enough hoops to satisfy you. IMO you are letting your heart get ahead of you and all that you have learned in your own recovery.
Which I (again IMO) don't see you focusing on YOUR RECOVERY. You're recovery is the stuff you do for you. Not the stuff you do for John.
Cut the umbilical cord and let him be a grown man, stop doing for him what he is capable of doing for himself. Let his recovery be just that. HIS RECOVERY.
Take your hands off the wheel and let God be the driver .. quit trying to take the short cut (there isn't one).
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
"If you settle for less you'll get even less then you settled for."
When I read you getting excited and giddy over your own accomplishments in recovery as I hear you get over what John said or did .. then I'll know you're headed in the right direction. Right now, I just don't see that.
YOU SURE BOUT THAT MM? D E N I A L
Getting John off drugs is about as comparable to getting you off your drug off choice = John
Now dontcha wish I had just kept quiet? LOL
Nyte
I am being quiet because there isn't anything I can say that I haven't said already, but since you insist
okay here goes.You drive around looking for his car? Why? In whose best interest was that for? Was that for the benefit of your recovery?
You get him names and numbers for/of places he can call or go to. Whose recovery does that benefit?
You're already talking about what he will or won't be allowed to do WHEN HE COMES HOME (He hasn't even had a chance to come down long enough to get a clue yet)
But yet, he has already appeased you by going to a program. That is really all you needed him to do in order for you to be happy and then you're off to planning your future with him in it.
This is no quick fix. He has a long hard road ahead of him and if you make it all cushy comfy then the addict thinks he can just cut it short and come home.
Hands off the addict - hands off his recovery.
I wouldn't even begin to consider letting him come home until he has a year of recovery time under belt.
He needs to be free to (pardon my french) sh!t or get off the pot. If you leave him alone in his recovery then he will be free focus on recovery. He doesn't need to be distracted by the happy little honeymoon awaiting him when he has jumped through enough hoops to satisfy you. IMO you are letting your heart get ahead of you and all that you have learned in your own recovery.
Which I (again IMO) don't see you focusing on YOUR RECOVERY. You're recovery is the stuff you do for you. Not the stuff you do for John.
Cut the umbilical cord and let him be a grown man, stop doing for him what he is capable of doing for himself. Let his recovery be just that. HIS RECOVERY.
Take your hands off the wheel and let God be the driver .. quit trying to take the short cut (there isn't one).
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
"If you settle for less you'll get even less then you settled for."
When I read you getting excited and giddy over your own accomplishments in recovery as I hear you get over what John said or did .. then I'll know you're headed in the right direction. Right now, I just don't see that.
I can honestly say that I have changed after this last fiasco. Everytime it happens I change more and more and I am pretty comfortable today with where I am at emotionally because my world is not revolving around him.
I rode around to the treatment places that I know of and found his truck. He is at a good place.
I called the place and asked what the visitation schedule was and if anything could be dropped off
Tomorrow I'll know better what kind of program he is going to go to after this week. I've been collecting names of places
The terms will be clear if he comes home that he must, must, must be in outpatient treatment which will subject him to drug tests and that he must, must, must be a participant in the house
I called the place and asked what the visitation schedule was and if anything could be dropped off
Tomorrow I'll know better what kind of program he is going to go to after this week. I've been collecting names of places
The terms will be clear if he comes home that he must, must, must be in outpatient treatment which will subject him to drug tests and that he must, must, must be a participant in the house
Now dontcha wish I had just kept quiet? LOL
Nyte
Last edited by nytepassion; 02-24-2009 at 04:05 PM.
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