Language of Letting Go - Feb. 18 - Being Right
 

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Being Right

Recovery is not about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are.

That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the "right/wrong" justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.

In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people's behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.

In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It's tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people's motives and actions, but it's more rewarding to look deeper.

Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

"I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right or wrong"....

Thank you. This is huge for me today. It's ok to want to do something or want something simply because it is what I choose. I was sitting here this morning thinking about how in the past when I have choosen to do something that I wanted to do or needed to do that I somehow always had to "pay for it".... emotionally... I never felt like I could just do something because I wanted to and feel good about it.

Had to justify what I was doing or had to remember that if I did what I wanted that it might be fun at the moment, might be what I needed at the moment, but that right or wrong since it was for me... I would pay. I would be ignored, I would be "punished" in some way or form. Made to feel selfish or wrong for thinking about myself.

I am learning to stop this. Small steps. It feels good to when I am brave enough to do for me. It feels even better when I just feel good about my decision or action and I don't feel guilty or shamed or punished. Thank you.

I've gone through this battle all my life. i was black and white - right and wrong and everyone must agree with me. I think in some ways it was my ego trying to get reinforcement - I couldnt make a decision on my own - had to make it and then have everyone agree with me. Now i realize that what's right in my life may not be right in someone else's life. I choose how to live my life and i have to let others choose how to live their lives. I still choose to live in a pretty black and white world when it comes to myself but when looking at others lives i can respect the gray areas.

When my kids were little i always gave them juice - rarely let them have sodas. When my son started getting sick i pumped him full of healthy fruits and juices and refused to buy anything i considered junk food. Then they diagnosed him with diabetes. While he was in the hospital they gave him a diet coke with his breakfast and told me not to give him too much oj. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Everthing I knew to be a b/w truth about nutrition was not good for my son because his life and his needs were different.

This reading today is so important. There's a huge difference between mistakes and shame. This explains clearly in words that I've been searching for a long time, what bothers me about it when someone says, "I was wrong; you were right," something my dh says frequently. Everything is black and white to him, but it isn't to me. Thanks for giving me words to describe what I think about it and why I'm uncomfortable with the language of shame.

Naming what it is; thanks for turning on the light.

I never knew I had needs until now
 

At the age of 15, I had to take care of everyone in my family ( 6 siblings) including my grandparents. In addition to my primary family, I was the delegated driver for the community. I never knew that I had needs, choices or the like. My mom always told me what to do, where to go, who to take, what to wear, what to cook, and who to take care. I had no childhood experience. Thank you for sharing. I am finally identifying my needs and standing up for myself. I have spent my life controlling my kids and the results are painful. I have allowed them to step all over me. Getting myself together.

Thank you, Mathisg, and welcome to SoberRecovery. This thread is from 2009 but still stands true today. Today I choose my battles, even if I am certain I am right, I don`t have to validate it with others who disagree. When I am wrong, I have no difficulty admitting it.

Recovery has taught me that having differing opinions on something doesn`t always make one person right and the other wrong, it means we see things from different perspectives and can respect that not everyone sees things our way.

Poignant subject Ann. I meet with a newbie counsellor 2morrow (as moved from communal recovery to ind. unit- different local'y).. I have learnt this last 17 months to look at a lot of the crap in my past- as a reacting child/drunk- to an unemotional observer and now as an adult with connection to their sober emotions. There is one thing in my life I have a great deal of issue with letting go of. The past is that and cannot be changed. I live now and deal with the past as best I can. Am doing that.
Sometimes there is no right or wrong- only the best decision that was made with what was available at the time.
thanks

How true PJ. As the mother of an addict, right or wrong, good days or bad, I did the best I could...and when I knew better, I did better.

"Right" can evolve from giving it our best efforts.