New to this; what should I do?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
New to this; what should I do?
I found out that my husband has been doing cocaine in the house. I couldn't be more angry. We have 3 kids together, and I can't believe he had the gall to bring it into the house near them. I don't know what to do. He said he wants help, that he can't stop. I've emailed NA, and called and left a message at the rehab center near us.
I want to be supportive, but I also have to think of the kids. I don't work out of the home, and he supports us financially. His parents don't know and I'm tempted to tell them, but I don't want to cause them any worry.
I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this, because I don't want my family to get all "holier than thou" on me. I don't think anyone else would understand.
So, as I said, I want to be supportive, but I don't know the best way to do that. Should I let him stay provided he gets help? Should I leave? Should I make him leave?
Someone please help me.
ETA: I would be angry even if he wasn't doing it in the house, but still doing it. I didn't want to seem like I was only upset because it was in the house.
I want to be supportive, but I also have to think of the kids. I don't work out of the home, and he supports us financially. His parents don't know and I'm tempted to tell them, but I don't want to cause them any worry.
I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this, because I don't want my family to get all "holier than thou" on me. I don't think anyone else would understand.
So, as I said, I want to be supportive, but I don't know the best way to do that. Should I let him stay provided he gets help? Should I leave? Should I make him leave?
Someone please help me.
ETA: I would be angry even if he wasn't doing it in the house, but still doing it. I didn't want to seem like I was only upset because it was in the house.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Amy)))
Welcome to SR from another Amy
I can understand your anger. He is putting you and your kids at risk. If your kids were to get hold of the cocaine, and something were to happen, the kids would be removed from both of you and you would both face charges.
The first thing you need to think about is boundaries...what you are willing to accept, and what you will do if he breaks those boundaries. This isn't about punishment. For example..."if you bring cocaine in the house, I will......." the thing is, you have to be ready to carry out your end. If you make a boundary and don't follow through, he will continue to do what he wants to do.
It's all well and good to be supportive, but the main thing is to keep the focus on you and the kids. I'm a recovering crack addict. I'm also a recovering codependent (codie). I left my boyfriend because he continues to use crack.
If he wants help for his addiction, there are many options available. He can go to NA meetings, he can go to rehab. He is perfectly capable of doing this all by himself, and he should. An addict can be great at telling you what he thinks you want to hear. I highly recommend you go by his ACTIONS, not his words.
I also recommend you keep a very close eye on your finances and valuables. Cocaine can be expensive, and it can wipe out a family's finances in a short amount of time. If possible, set some money aside, that he knows nothing about.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR from another Amy
I can understand your anger. He is putting you and your kids at risk. If your kids were to get hold of the cocaine, and something were to happen, the kids would be removed from both of you and you would both face charges.
The first thing you need to think about is boundaries...what you are willing to accept, and what you will do if he breaks those boundaries. This isn't about punishment. For example..."if you bring cocaine in the house, I will......." the thing is, you have to be ready to carry out your end. If you make a boundary and don't follow through, he will continue to do what he wants to do.
It's all well and good to be supportive, but the main thing is to keep the focus on you and the kids. I'm a recovering crack addict. I'm also a recovering codependent (codie). I left my boyfriend because he continues to use crack.
If he wants help for his addiction, there are many options available. He can go to NA meetings, he can go to rehab. He is perfectly capable of doing this all by himself, and he should. An addict can be great at telling you what he thinks you want to hear. I highly recommend you go by his ACTIONS, not his words.
I also recommend you keep a very close eye on your finances and valuables. Cocaine can be expensive, and it can wipe out a family's finances in a short amount of time. If possible, set some money aside, that he knows nothing about.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((amy79)))
Welcome, you've come to a great place. While you're figuring out what you want/need to do for yourself, read around through other threads. Read the stickies at the top of this forum.
While you're busy calling NA and rehab centers being supportive of HIM, think about YOU and your kids, what do you need. Have you made calls to find out where Naranon or Alanon meetings are close to you and the schedule for YOU to get the support you need? Face to face meetings aren't for everyone, but they do offer a lot of support to many here!
He figures out how to buy drugs, he figures out how to get to work, he figures out how to hide it from you (so far), now he can't figure out how to help himself? He is saying he wants help, and now has you running around figuring out how to do it - what is HE doing (not saying) about helping himself?
You will hear it alot around here, and it's hard to get a handle on it - but focus on what he is DOING. His ACTIONS will tell you what he's doing, not what he's saying.
(((hugs)))
Welcome, you've come to a great place. While you're figuring out what you want/need to do for yourself, read around through other threads. Read the stickies at the top of this forum.
While you're busy calling NA and rehab centers being supportive of HIM, think about YOU and your kids, what do you need. Have you made calls to find out where Naranon or Alanon meetings are close to you and the schedule for YOU to get the support you need? Face to face meetings aren't for everyone, but they do offer a lot of support to many here!
He figures out how to buy drugs, he figures out how to get to work, he figures out how to hide it from you (so far), now he can't figure out how to help himself? He is saying he wants help, and now has you running around figuring out how to do it - what is HE doing (not saying) about helping himself?
You will hear it alot around here, and it's hard to get a handle on it - but focus on what he is DOING. His ACTIONS will tell you what he's doing, not what he's saying.
(((hugs)))
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
I understand you're angry. You have every right to be angry.
In my opinion, I don't think you should be calling or emailing NA or treatment centers for him. If you want to help him find a center or group, fine, but you should leave the contacting to him. Don't buy the tired, upset, out of his mind, just doesn't know what to do excuse. If he wants help, he should do it himself. Otherwise he's only doing what YOU think he should do and suddenly, you're responsible for keeping him clean.
I told my fiancee's parents because, 1) it would have been impossible to keep it from them, and 2) they understood because they had been through treatment with him before me.
I didn't tell my parents until the week before he came home from treatment. It wasn't that I thought my parents would freak out, but I thought they would do that "ohh, poor [his name]. and i feel so terrible for you. my baby's going through such a tough time, i know you love him but you don't deserve this,....'' blah blah blah "why don't you leave him and come home to us?" and then calling 10 times a day just to "check on" me.
I really didn't want to hear anyone else who had never been in my position telling me what they would do if they were in my position.
They turned out to be very understanding and have been incredibly supportive and even went with me to several of his visiting days in treatment after that.
In my opinion, I don't think you should be calling or emailing NA or treatment centers for him. If you want to help him find a center or group, fine, but you should leave the contacting to him. Don't buy the tired, upset, out of his mind, just doesn't know what to do excuse. If he wants help, he should do it himself. Otherwise he's only doing what YOU think he should do and suddenly, you're responsible for keeping him clean.
I told my fiancee's parents because, 1) it would have been impossible to keep it from them, and 2) they understood because they had been through treatment with him before me.
I didn't tell my parents until the week before he came home from treatment. It wasn't that I thought my parents would freak out, but I thought they would do that "ohh, poor [his name]. and i feel so terrible for you. my baby's going through such a tough time, i know you love him but you don't deserve this,....'' blah blah blah "why don't you leave him and come home to us?" and then calling 10 times a day just to "check on" me.
I really didn't want to hear anyone else who had never been in my position telling me what they would do if they were in my position.
They turned out to be very understanding and have been incredibly supportive and even went with me to several of his visiting days in treatment after that.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Amy))
welcome to SR
As you can see there are many of us here who have been in similar situations such as yours. Please keep reading, reaching out for help and seeking guidance from your Higher Power (HP) as to what is healthiest for YOU and your children.
Don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - You deserve them!
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita
welcome to SR
As you can see there are many of us here who have been in similar situations such as yours. Please keep reading, reaching out for help and seeking guidance from your Higher Power (HP) as to what is healthiest for YOU and your children.
Don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - You deserve them!
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by k1a2t3h4r5y6n7 
I really didn't want to hear anyone else who had never been in my position telling me what they would do if they were in my position.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I have been trying to find an al-anon meeting in our area. There isn't a nar-anon.
I will start making a list of conditions he needs to abide by for us/him to stay. Thanks for the good idea.
The hard part about letting him get help himself, is that he is very shy, to the point of being anti-social.
I'm NOT willing to hurt/lose the kids over this. THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE. NOTHING is more important to me. Nothing.
I also want to keep this from them. They're only 7, 3 and not quite 1.
I'm still debating telling his parents. I know they don't know, nor have they ever known. I'm sure they know he's done pot, but this is different. His sister does know about the cocaine. Maybe I should talk to her.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Amy, Welcome to SR! You will find lots of info & support here. I agree with all of what others have said. You need to put your focus on you & yours kids. Safety, finances, etc. Crack can burn $$$ and I have seen crazy behavior in my RAD. (her DOC-crack)
Believe none of what you hear (from him) and only 1/2 of what you see! I am a firm believer in action speak louder than words.
As the others have said, he is responsible for his recovery. If he really wants it, then he needs to find rehab, meetings, whatever it takes. NOT you, you are responsbile for you & the kids.
The 3 c's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
Al-anon & Nar-anon meetings can help you, they are for YOU. Just like SR, their members are those that understand like few others can, because they have walked in your shoes.
Hugs,
Chris
Believe none of what you hear (from him) and only 1/2 of what you see! I am a firm believer in action speak louder than words.
As the others have said, he is responsible for his recovery. If he really wants it, then he needs to find rehab, meetings, whatever it takes. NOT you, you are responsbile for you & the kids.
The 3 c's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
Al-anon & Nar-anon meetings can help you, they are for YOU. Just like SR, their members are those that understand like few others can, because they have walked in your shoes.
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
So, when he goes out to buy the coke - he doesn't come face to face with anyone? He had to meet that person(s) for the first time at some point. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to make phone calls for himself when he can interact with others when he chooses.
I don't say this to be mean or sarcastic - just using this as an example of one of the ways that we (the codies) don't "see" things. We've been trained for so long to listen to their words that we stop seeing the whole picture. My XAH used to do things like this too. He wasn't comfortable, it was too hard, XYZ - so of course, as his loving partner, I would do it for him. But, hey - wait a minute, last week he went and met a bunch of new people at that golf clinic he really wanted to do and survived (did I remember this - no!).
Hugs
I don't say this to be mean or sarcastic - just using this as an example of one of the ways that we (the codies) don't "see" things. We've been trained for so long to listen to their words that we stop seeing the whole picture. My XAH used to do things like this too. He wasn't comfortable, it was too hard, XYZ - so of course, as his loving partner, I would do it for him. But, hey - wait a minute, last week he went and met a bunch of new people at that golf clinic he really wanted to do and survived (did I remember this - no!).
Hugs
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by amy79
I'm sure they know he's done pot, but this is different.
Maybe for a non-addict it is okay. I used to smoke pot and drink occasionally with him.
But for an addict I just don't think it's any different. Their brains seem to respond to all drugs the same way. One thing just eventually leads to another with him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I agree with Bay Area - i think it would be much more intimidating to talk to a drug dealer then talk to someone at a rehab over the phone. One thing i found with my long line of addict relationships is that they always put their recovery onto me.
I can quit if you will only...
If you loved me more i wouldn't have this problem.
I only do it because of the stress of our life.
You have to stand by me during this
I cant do it without you
I have all these problems coping so you have to do this for me
I am responsible for my life and they are responsible for theirs. If he wants to stop he'll seek the help - if he doesnt seek the help he doesnt want to stop. Even I make my 16 yo AS call his PO, his doctors and others that are involved in his recovery and his health. Its his life and his body and he has to take ownership of that. If I do it for him then he cant succeed.
I can quit if you will only...
If you loved me more i wouldn't have this problem.
I only do it because of the stress of our life.
You have to stand by me during this
I cant do it without you
I have all these problems coping so you have to do this for me
I am responsible for my life and they are responsible for theirs. If he wants to stop he'll seek the help - if he doesnt seek the help he doesnt want to stop. Even I make my 16 yo AS call his PO, his doctors and others that are involved in his recovery and his health. Its his life and his body and he has to take ownership of that. If I do it for him then he cant succeed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by BayAreaPhoenix
So, when he goes out to buy the coke - he doesn't come face to face with anyone?
He has no other friends, not even ones from work. But I do understand what you're saying. He can do this himself. I can't help.
I'm planning to go to an al-anon meeting tomorrow night. Hopefully with a friend of mine who's dealing with her alcoholic father. I don't know how she'll respond to all this. I hate leading a "double life".
I just can't believe this is happening. Seems so surreal.
Thanks, everyone, for all your support. I REALLY appreciate it.
Last edited by amy79; 02-17-2009 at 12:46 PM. Reason: wording
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Good for you! You sound really clear and strong! Just keeping taking those steps - sometimes they're baby steps and sometimes huges strides, but they all will get you going where you need to!
(((hugs)))
(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Thanks everyone.
My AH is sleeping at his parents' house tonight because he's too drunk to come home. I don't know if he's gotten high or not.
I'm thankful because he didn't come home drunk, and let the kids see him like that, but I bitched at him anyway.
I'm angry because he should be home helping me get the kids to bed, and the garbage out and being a normal person and being here for his family. I'm pissed I have to continue to do this all alone. When I got married, I thought we'd raise our kids together. Guess not.
I hate, hate, hate that this is how my life has turned out. Growing up I had a "normal" childhood, and felt sorry for all the kids with divorced parents or alcoholic family members etc. I want MY kids to have a normal childhood too, but seems that's out the window now. I hate him for that. It's really easy to place blame isn't it?
I'm angry, and want to punish him, and I know that's my problem, and I have to work past it myself. I wish I could think of a better punishment than not doing his laundry! LOL
This may turn into my little vent thread here. Like a diary that talks back. hehe
I'm so glad I found SR, because I don't know what I'd do without a place to vent with people who understand. Thank you all SOOOO much for this.
My AH is sleeping at his parents' house tonight because he's too drunk to come home. I don't know if he's gotten high or not.
I'm thankful because he didn't come home drunk, and let the kids see him like that, but I bitched at him anyway.
I'm angry because he should be home helping me get the kids to bed, and the garbage out and being a normal person and being here for his family. I'm pissed I have to continue to do this all alone. When I got married, I thought we'd raise our kids together. Guess not.
I hate, hate, hate that this is how my life has turned out. Growing up I had a "normal" childhood, and felt sorry for all the kids with divorced parents or alcoholic family members etc. I want MY kids to have a normal childhood too, but seems that's out the window now. I hate him for that. It's really easy to place blame isn't it?
I'm angry, and want to punish him, and I know that's my problem, and I have to work past it myself. I wish I could think of a better punishment than not doing his laundry! LOL
This may turn into my little vent thread here. Like a diary that talks back. hehe
I'm so glad I found SR, because I don't know what I'd do without a place to vent with people who understand. Thank you all SOOOO much for this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Never forget Amy - the best "revenge" is being Happy! Misery loves company...
It's not fair - none of it is. But, I come from divorced parents. And, I can tell you, at least I had one "normal" parent. I didn't get to live with him tho, and I think my life would have been different - just every other weekend. But, if it wasn't for that....
Never underestimate what one healthy parent can do! Unfortunately there are many children out there who don't even have that.
(((hugs)))
It's not fair - none of it is. But, I come from divorced parents. And, I can tell you, at least I had one "normal" parent. I didn't get to live with him tho, and I think my life would have been different - just every other weekend. But, if it wasn't for that....
Never underestimate what one healthy parent can do! Unfortunately there are many children out there who don't even have that.
(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
I WILL drive him to work because he's never had a license.
I WON'T drive him anywhere else.
I WILL let him live here (with conditions....)
I WON'T let him drink or get high in the house, or have any related paraphernalia in the house.
I WILL let him deal with this himself. I know I can't make him do anything.
I WON'T be an enabler (I hope!)
I WILL take steps to be able to deal with the kids alone (ie bedtimes without help)
I WON'T expect help from him, but
I WILL accept it if it's offered.
I hope to come back and read this every so often, to remind myself of my goals.
I WON'T drive him anywhere else.
I WILL let him live here (with conditions....)
I WON'T let him drink or get high in the house, or have any related paraphernalia in the house.
I WILL let him deal with this himself. I know I can't make him do anything.
I WON'T be an enabler (I hope!)
I WILL take steps to be able to deal with the kids alone (ie bedtimes without help)
I WON'T expect help from him, but
I WILL accept it if it's offered.
I hope to come back and read this every so often, to remind myself of my goals.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by BayAreaPhoenix
Never underestimate what one healthy parent can do! Unfortunately there are many children out there who don't even have that.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
Lots of good advice here for you, Amy. I especially agree with and support the idea of letting HIM make the contacts to get himself help. You can help get him pointed in the right direction, but he needs to run, walk, and/or crawl there himself. He's a big boy. He got himself into this mess........now he needs to pick himself up, wipe off the crap he's been rolling in and man the he!! up. Plain and simple.
More importantly, you need to be getting some help for yourself. Alanon and/or Naranon would be my suggestion as a place to start. You need to strengthen yourself........for you and for your children. Life with an active addict is not easy. Take your hands off the addict (so hard, I know!!) and do something nice for yourself!! Even meeting a friend for coffee or lunch will do WONDERS for your state of mind. I speak from personal experience. It may seem like it takes everything you have just to get out of bed in the morning, but every step you take to take care of you will leave you feeling a little lighter and breathing a little easier.
Take care of you and keep posting!
More importantly, you need to be getting some help for yourself. Alanon and/or Naranon would be my suggestion as a place to start. You need to strengthen yourself........for you and for your children. Life with an active addict is not easy. Take your hands off the addict (so hard, I know!!) and do something nice for yourself!! Even meeting a friend for coffee or lunch will do WONDERS for your state of mind. I speak from personal experience. It may seem like it takes everything you have just to get out of bed in the morning, but every step you take to take care of you will leave you feeling a little lighter and breathing a little easier.
Take care of you and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Wow Amy, you rock this early on! Keep the strength and Read, Read, Read here! Tons of helpful info and a million stories very close to yours. Many of us (myself included) have walked down the same path. Hang in there girl and keep posting - many are in your sitch either with you, before you or beyond you as far as the stage they're in.
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