I was supposed to find this site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: brownsburg, IN
Posts: 7
I was supposed to find this site.
Hi. My son is a heroin addict. He's been in a court-ordered rehab facility and had eight months of sobriety as of Friday. I got a call on Saturday that he had failed a urine screen, could he come stay with us until he can get back in on Monday? I said no, told him to go to the local homeless shelter and let us know when he's settled in. At that point he screamed at me that he wouldn't keep in contact and hung up.
Today I have a voice mail on my phone from him saying that he's leaving, doesn't know where he's going to go, but obviously we not "there for" him. I KNOW this is manipulation speaking. I KNOW that is part of the addiction. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I guess I just want to know that I did the right thing by telling him no. It went against every fiber of my being not to help him, but by now I know that helping him is ultimately hurting him.
Please pray for us, him and his addiction, and us, his parents, that we can be strong enough to do what we need to do to not enable his addiction any longer. Gotta NarAnon meeting tonight and it's a good thing, huh?
Today I have a voice mail on my phone from him saying that he's leaving, doesn't know where he's going to go, but obviously we not "there for" him. I KNOW this is manipulation speaking. I KNOW that is part of the addiction. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I guess I just want to know that I did the right thing by telling him no. It went against every fiber of my being not to help him, but by now I know that helping him is ultimately hurting him.
Please pray for us, him and his addiction, and us, his parents, that we can be strong enough to do what we need to do to not enable his addiction any longer. Gotta NarAnon meeting tonight and it's a good thing, huh?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too salute your courage, it was the right thing to do but that doesn't make it any easier.
Sadly, if he wants to stay clean, he will and if he doesn't nothing you do or don't do will make a speck of difference.
Welcome to SR, where we love our addicts and hate the disease.
Hugs
Sadly, if he wants to stay clean, he will and if he doesn't nothing you do or don't do will make a speck of difference.
Welcome to SR, where we love our addicts and hate the disease.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter is also a heroin addict with 8 months clean. The one thing that I have learned from these last 8 months is that she is capable of being clean. She can do it. So if she were to relapse, although I would be extremely sad, I would have that hope in my heart that she could get clean again. Your son can do it, he has done it before. He does not need your home to get clean. You do not need to have that front row seat to his addiction and the behaviors that go with it. Sending you hugs and prayers. Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It is possible to love a child to death. I am the mother of a 31 year old addict, and am in recovery myself. Last night at my home 12 step group we were talking about this same subject, and one of our young members shared what happened to a very good friend of his.
He was only 17, and his folks bailed him out of every mess he made. They also paid his rent at the sober house he was in, purchased his cigarettes and anything else he needed. He walked out of the sober house one night with a blank check, cashed it for hundreds of dollars, and bought drugs and booze.
He was found dead the next morning in a cheap motel room, alone, of an overdose.
That's the kind of pain a parent never gets over.
:ghug :ghug
He was only 17, and his folks bailed him out of every mess he made. They also paid his rent at the sober house he was in, purchased his cigarettes and anything else he needed. He walked out of the sober house one night with a blank check, cashed it for hundreds of dollars, and bought drugs and booze.
He was found dead the next morning in a cheap motel room, alone, of an overdose.
That's the kind of pain a parent never gets over.
:ghug :ghug
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm glad you found SR and also that you had a meeting tonight. I find this place a wonderful place for support in between meetings.
I'm sorry about the pain you are feeling. The fact that you did the right thing doesn't make in any less difficult. I'm glad you had the strength to say no.
I'm sorry about the pain you are feeling. The fact that you did the right thing doesn't make in any less difficult. I'm glad you had the strength to say no.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
KSH,
I know about those hard decisions with the children. I'm proud you had the courage to say no. And I'm so thankful that you had a meeting tonight. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "Oh, thank you, Lord, that I have a meeting tonight!"
It took me a while to figure out that when I rescued my AD I was only robbing her of the opportunity to learn and grow up to be the responsible adult I always wanted her to be.
Hang in there. You done, good, mama....you done good.
Hugs & prayers for both your son and you,
Hangin' In
P.S. Look at me, assuming you're a momma...
I know about those hard decisions with the children. I'm proud you had the courage to say no. And I'm so thankful that you had a meeting tonight. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "Oh, thank you, Lord, that I have a meeting tonight!"
It took me a while to figure out that when I rescued my AD I was only robbing her of the opportunity to learn and grow up to be the responsible adult I always wanted her to be.
Hang in there. You done, good, mama....you done good.
Hugs & prayers for both your son and you,
Hangin' In
P.S. Look at me, assuming you're a momma...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
As a recovering addict, I can assure you, you did the right thing. We have GOT to face the cold, hard consequences of our using..if we don't, we have no incentive to seek recovery. Had someone gotten me out of all the messes I got myself into, I'd still be using. Instead, I will have 2 years clean, next month. My family loved me enough to let me fall on my face and let me figure out my own way back up.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
You did the right thing - the right thing many times does seem to be the hard thing.
I like to play word games with myself to help me keep things clear so substituting "addiction" for references to your son it becomes the real content of his statements.
"he's leaving, doesn't know where he's going to find someone to enable him since you wont, but obviously we're not "there for" his addiction.
When you stop looking at what they say and see what they really mean it makes it so much easier.
I like to play word games with myself to help me keep things clear so substituting "addiction" for references to your son it becomes the real content of his statements.
"he's leaving, doesn't know where he's going to find someone to enable him since you wont, but obviously we're not "there for" his addiction.
When you stop looking at what they say and see what they really mean it makes it so much easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I'm so sorry! As someone who struggles with the word "no" and feels frozen in her circumstances - you are my hero! Stay strong and don't go back on your decision.
Welcome to SR!! You have found a really good place.
Welcome to SR!! You have found a really good place.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Welcome to S.R.
I am the mother of 2 adult son addicts, who both are sober for today.
The hardest thing I've ever done, is to step aside and get out of the way and let my sons be responsible for their own actions.
Not sure of your spiritual beliefs, but I always have believed my sons had "someone" alongside every path they chose.
You done did good.
I am the mother of 2 adult son addicts, who both are sober for today.
The hardest thing I've ever done, is to step aside and get out of the way and let my sons be responsible for their own actions.
Not sure of your spiritual beliefs, but I always have believed my sons had "someone" alongside every path they chose.
You done did good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: brownsburg, IN
Posts: 7
Thank you to everyone who has given me support. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear from all of you. I'm grateful for the NarAnon program. If it wasn't for learning there about enabling, I'm sure I'd still be a grand champion at it!
I'm so glad I found this site. It was purely by accident ... or was it? Anyway, I'm sure I'll be back often. Thanks again.
I'm so glad I found this site. It was purely by accident ... or was it? Anyway, I'm sure I'll be back often. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by ksh21e 
Thank you to everyone who has given me support. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear from all of you. I'm grateful for the NarAnon program. If it wasn't for learning there about enabling, I'm sure I'd still be a grand champion at it!
I'm so glad I found this site. It was purely by accident ... or was it? Anyway, I'm sure I'll be back often. Thanks again.
I'm so glad I found this site. It was purely by accident ... or was it? Anyway, I'm sure I'll be back often. Thanks again.
Nay, not by accident, you were meant to find us!
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi KSH~ I know how hard it is to finally have to say "NO" but you did the right thing. It took me way to long to learn that and when I did~~~~things got better. So, hang in there and try not to make yoourself sick over this. Addicts are cleaver people and he will find a way to take care of himself. When he does figure out you mean business he may smarten up. Thats what happened here after way to long!! Big mom hugs, Bonnie
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We must
Even doing the right thing doesn't feel good when our grown kids are addicts, but we must do
it anyway...and you did !
My son got kicked out of his rehab after 2 mos. They drove him an hour to the nearest homeless shelter where he slept in the parking lot and went hungry bec. it was full.
They did give him a calling card and he called me. I had agreed bef. he went in that I would NOT bail him out in any way. So his second call was to the treatment ctr. to come back. They told him if he stayed sober he could come back in two days.
He went back and has been there now for 10 more mos.
If your son is ready to get sober he will go back. If not, he surely doesn't belong at your home anyway. They get mad when they can't con us. They get mad and threaten to withhold their love.. It is all the coping they know. But it doesn't work anymore. We know we can't rescue them. They have to come to see it too.
My son got mad and didn't see me for many months a while back.
But now he has been at rehab a yr.
This too will pass.
You have a lot of strenght, hope, and courage to share. I look forward to getting to know you here at SR.
it anyway...and you did !
My son got kicked out of his rehab after 2 mos. They drove him an hour to the nearest homeless shelter where he slept in the parking lot and went hungry bec. it was full.
They did give him a calling card and he called me. I had agreed bef. he went in that I would NOT bail him out in any way. So his second call was to the treatment ctr. to come back. They told him if he stayed sober he could come back in two days.
He went back and has been there now for 10 more mos.
If your son is ready to get sober he will go back. If not, he surely doesn't belong at your home anyway. They get mad when they can't con us. They get mad and threaten to withhold their love.. It is all the coping they know. But it doesn't work anymore. We know we can't rescue them. They have to come to see it too.
My son got mad and didn't see me for many months a while back.
But now he has been at rehab a yr.
This too will pass.
You have a lot of strenght, hope, and courage to share. I look forward to getting to know you here at SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: brownsburg, IN
Posts: 7
Two weeks today
Hi all,
It's been two weeks since my son left his "you'll never see me again" message on my cell phone, although it feels like two months. I actually had to look at the calendar this morning to verify that it had only been two weeks. My husband and I have been trying to stay busy to keep our minds off the fact that we don't know where our son is, and that has helped; but in the dead of night, sometimes it's impossible to keep my mind off of him and wondering where he is, if he's okay (warm and fed), etc.
It felt good to read all your positive posts. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. And I know that there's a very real possibility that this will NOT have a happy ending, but it's still nice to hear that things have worked out for the best for some of your loved ones. It's gives me hope that he can turn things around.
I've been praying and praying, mostly for him but also for some peace of mind for my husband and myself. My husband is almost paralyzed with fear but refuses to go to NarAnon with me. I'm hoping he'll "catch" some of it by osmosis. When a particularly helpful reading from the SESH books comes up, I usually read it to him hoping that will help.
I think part of my problem is that I'm grieving for a life lost. I'm hoping my son is still alive (I figured I'd have heard if he wasn't), but I think I'm speaking of the life he could have had, the life that I had hoped he would make for himself. All that's gone. And what gets me is I did the very best I knew how to parent him. I wasn't out running around in the evenings. I went to work everyday. His father and I have been married for 26 years. Granted, things weren't always sunshine and lollipops, but we did the best we could for he and his brother. I know the whole Three Cs, but as a mother, one can't help but blame someone and all I have to do is look in the mirror to see who I'm blaming.
Hopefully as time goes by this will get easier, not knowing where he is. I just can't believe I don't have a clue where my son is. I heard something at a meeting that helps. A man said "it's not what if, it's WHAT IS." This is my reality and I guess I had better start accepting it. Acceptance does not mean approval, just acceptance.
Thanks again for "listening" to me rant and rave. I appreciate all your support.:praying
It's been two weeks since my son left his "you'll never see me again" message on my cell phone, although it feels like two months. I actually had to look at the calendar this morning to verify that it had only been two weeks. My husband and I have been trying to stay busy to keep our minds off the fact that we don't know where our son is, and that has helped; but in the dead of night, sometimes it's impossible to keep my mind off of him and wondering where he is, if he's okay (warm and fed), etc.
It felt good to read all your positive posts. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. And I know that there's a very real possibility that this will NOT have a happy ending, but it's still nice to hear that things have worked out for the best for some of your loved ones. It's gives me hope that he can turn things around.
I've been praying and praying, mostly for him but also for some peace of mind for my husband and myself. My husband is almost paralyzed with fear but refuses to go to NarAnon with me. I'm hoping he'll "catch" some of it by osmosis. When a particularly helpful reading from the SESH books comes up, I usually read it to him hoping that will help.
I think part of my problem is that I'm grieving for a life lost. I'm hoping my son is still alive (I figured I'd have heard if he wasn't), but I think I'm speaking of the life he could have had, the life that I had hoped he would make for himself. All that's gone. And what gets me is I did the very best I knew how to parent him. I wasn't out running around in the evenings. I went to work everyday. His father and I have been married for 26 years. Granted, things weren't always sunshine and lollipops, but we did the best we could for he and his brother. I know the whole Three Cs, but as a mother, one can't help but blame someone and all I have to do is look in the mirror to see who I'm blaming.
Hopefully as time goes by this will get easier, not knowing where he is. I just can't believe I don't have a clue where my son is. I heard something at a meeting that helps. A man said "it's not what if, it's WHAT IS." This is my reality and I guess I had better start accepting it. Acceptance does not mean approval, just acceptance.
Thanks again for "listening" to me rant and rave. I appreciate all your support.:praying
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
