Couples Counseling....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Couples Counseling....
SR is amazing! So many wise ones here! People who ask questions are learning! Reaching out. Lots of ESH. 
Well... my guy and I have started couples counseling. I am working on my recovery. What I have learned is that complacency is like "familiarity" - it breeds contempt. Complacency is not the same as serenity. Serenity takes work. Although it can feel like serenity. It then takes something to "happen" to wake me up out of complacency!
The counseling is really good because we are with someone who is helping our two languages talk. It's like "recovery therapy". My co-dependency is being addressed just as much as addiction.
I have not been doing hot yoga very much as I couldn't justify the 3 hour total time *incl. drive time..... and I am looking into joining the local gym. I don't like saying too much as I'm putting into practice : "Saying what I mean!" So if that means :x to keep my sanity until I am actually doing it... I'm doing it!
I'm able to practice that at work in my job. I want to shout out that I might have a sale with someone - but unless it actually happens - it means nothing.
Sometimes "maybe" just means "no". So if I'm finding myself say "but", "maybe" "no no but but" ... then I'm living in a "maybe" kind of life - so what does that mean?
"no" to me means... stop - look - and listen. Just in that order.
So now I have stopped and I'm looking and listening to what the universe is showing me. I am confident to say that right now the universe is telling me to embrace recovery! It's in my work and home life and I find it when I exercise. I find it in my friendships. I find it here.
Today I am grateful for all that I have learned - and what I still am learning! Forever "becoming"
SR is the best!
Well... my guy and I have started couples counseling. I am working on my recovery. What I have learned is that complacency is like "familiarity" - it breeds contempt. Complacency is not the same as serenity. Serenity takes work. Although it can feel like serenity. It then takes something to "happen" to wake me up out of complacency!
The counseling is really good because we are with someone who is helping our two languages talk. It's like "recovery therapy". My co-dependency is being addressed just as much as addiction.
I have not been doing hot yoga very much as I couldn't justify the 3 hour total time *incl. drive time..... and I am looking into joining the local gym. I don't like saying too much as I'm putting into practice : "Saying what I mean!" So if that means :x to keep my sanity until I am actually doing it... I'm doing it!
I'm able to practice that at work in my job. I want to shout out that I might have a sale with someone - but unless it actually happens - it means nothing.
Sometimes "maybe" just means "no". So if I'm finding myself say "but", "maybe" "no no but but" ... then I'm living in a "maybe" kind of life - so what does that mean?
"no" to me means... stop - look - and listen. Just in that order.
So now I have stopped and I'm looking and listening to what the universe is showing me. I am confident to say that right now the universe is telling me to embrace recovery! It's in my work and home life and I find it when I exercise. I find it in my friendships. I find it here.
Today I am grateful for all that I have learned - and what I still am learning! Forever "becoming"
SR is the best!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((Ab)))) You sound good. I sure can relate to how recovery is showing in all aspects of your life. At work, I've learned to let go so much. I didn't realize how much I did because I didn't trust others to do. Pretty arogant, huh? So instead of always being the doer, , I spend time guiding and then let it be...who am I to rob others of a chance to excell? Letting go sure was a stress reliever there.
I use yoga tapes at home and joined a gym that's right on the route to/from work. I just realized it has been close to 3 years now that I have had that gym routine...It's become a part of my life, a major aspect of recovery since not only does it relieve stress...it makes me feel so much healthier. (Nice to have "guns" too, lol)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I use yoga tapes at home and joined a gym that's right on the route to/from work. I just realized it has been close to 3 years now that I have had that gym routine...It's become a part of my life, a major aspect of recovery since not only does it relieve stress...it makes me feel so much healthier. (Nice to have "guns" too, lol)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Abundance - Good for you! I'm glad it's working out and I'm really glad you posted about it because my AH and I have discussed counseling several times. Over the course of his addiction and my co-dependcy - we quit speaking the same language and everything we DO say to each other is often either misinterpreted or taken the wrong way. Anything can cause an arguement and we both walk around on eggshells.
Again, good for you. I know you've struggled and have been mighty frustrated.
Again, good for you. I know you've struggled and have been mighty frustrated.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Thank you Greet!
Mrs. Magoo - counseling is helping so much! We are able to talk about things in a recovery realm... and are able to be solution oriented - using what we have learned in recovery.
Like right now- I am working through resentments towards him and then also my sexual frustration.
She had us visualize 4 circles...
It looked like this: O 8 O
the "O" symbolizes our own issues..... and then the 8 symbolizes "us".
She'll refer to that drawing when issues come up. Explaining what circle it falls into.
My guy is going out of town for a few weeks to be with his family as his father is having surgery next week. (he leaves on wednesday)... so on tuesday we are working on how to get through this time of being apart and what we can expect from ourselves to keep the long distance chaos at bay!
I LOVE that we are working on ourselves in therapy!
The resentments part - I have been given instructions to work on Step 4.
The sexual frustration is something that I am really battling with. I am in my mid thirties... and this once a month thing is not cutting it for me. So it's really something I am working on! Not to take it personal because all the bad things I keep saying in my head like... "I'm not attractive enough" or "he's not desiring me because of xyz"... and then on top of it - i'm eating a ton as a form of comfort. So I'm very aware! And need to hop out of the 8 ... and into my own "O"... and he has been asked to hop into the 8... where he can see that it's something that is important for the relationship. We are very affectionate and cuddle every night - so it's not "intimacy" that is the issue. He is working on changing his meds around - as he thinks that is the problem. I'm working on changing up those negative thoughts about myself and at ways to take care of my needs so that I can be whole and not "needing" anything from him- while being aware of my "wants".
Anywho - that was kind of a ramble there.
I have been envisioning myself working out and releasing lots of energy! I think that will be helpful on SO many levels!
What I think is good about the counseling - is that we are very open and real ... and while he sinks into his chair at times with how open I am - it's healing. But that is what I think is the greatest thing about recovery..... no more running away or avoiding! Actually dealing with issues!!!
Mrs. Magoo - counseling is helping so much! We are able to talk about things in a recovery realm... and are able to be solution oriented - using what we have learned in recovery.
Like right now- I am working through resentments towards him and then also my sexual frustration.
She had us visualize 4 circles...
It looked like this: O 8 O
the "O" symbolizes our own issues..... and then the 8 symbolizes "us".
She'll refer to that drawing when issues come up. Explaining what circle it falls into.
My guy is going out of town for a few weeks to be with his family as his father is having surgery next week. (he leaves on wednesday)... so on tuesday we are working on how to get through this time of being apart and what we can expect from ourselves to keep the long distance chaos at bay!
I LOVE that we are working on ourselves in therapy!
The resentments part - I have been given instructions to work on Step 4.
The sexual frustration is something that I am really battling with. I am in my mid thirties... and this once a month thing is not cutting it for me. So it's really something I am working on! Not to take it personal because all the bad things I keep saying in my head like... "I'm not attractive enough" or "he's not desiring me because of xyz"... and then on top of it - i'm eating a ton as a form of comfort. So I'm very aware! And need to hop out of the 8 ... and into my own "O"... and he has been asked to hop into the 8... where he can see that it's something that is important for the relationship. We are very affectionate and cuddle every night - so it's not "intimacy" that is the issue. He is working on changing his meds around - as he thinks that is the problem. I'm working on changing up those negative thoughts about myself and at ways to take care of my needs so that I can be whole and not "needing" anything from him- while being aware of my "wants".
Anywho - that was kind of a ramble there.
I have been envisioning myself working out and releasing lots of energy! I think that will be helpful on SO many levels!
What I think is good about the counseling - is that we are very open and real ... and while he sinks into his chair at times with how open I am - it's healing. But that is what I think is the greatest thing about recovery..... no more running away or avoiding! Actually dealing with issues!!!
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Abs - so glad to hear that you are doing well. I agree, recovery is where it's at. I'm learning my lesson about people pleasing and that maybe is a good word to learn.....works a whole lot better than an instant yes and then later resentments. The more comfortable I become with trusting myself the more comfortable I am with learning to live in the land of maybe's.
Take care!
Take care!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Lovin that 0 8 0 thing - what a good way to look at it!
Are you going to continue the sessions while he's gone? Sounds like you two are making good progress! Being able to communicate in a healthy was is so important.
If things work out for my AH in his recovery home and we try again, I definitely think counseling would be a necessary step for us. Hope to find one that sounds as good as yours.
Are you going to continue the sessions while he's gone? Sounds like you two are making good progress! Being able to communicate in a healthy was is so important.
If things work out for my AH in his recovery home and we try again, I definitely think counseling would be a necessary step for us. Hope to find one that sounds as good as yours.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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Abs you sound so good
You made me laugh, talking about sex and being in your 30's. My biological clock didn't know my tubes were tied and I constantly craved sex. My husband thought he hit the jackpot until he figured out my clock didn't care if he was drop dead tired or not. He swore I was trying to kill him!
You made me laugh, talking about sex and being in your 30's. My biological clock didn't know my tubes were tied and I constantly craved sex. My husband thought he hit the jackpot until he figured out my clock didn't care if he was drop dead tired or not. He swore I was trying to kill him!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Truth - absolutely! I can't say enough good things about it!
Chino - that was funny! It made me laugh! Seriously - there is something about being in mid 30's... the therapist was amazing to talk about it with. My guy thinks he has hit the jack pot - but on the other hand is kinda scared of me at the same time! lol I have lots of friends in this age bracket who know all too well about this. It's nice to have these conversations - it helps to know I'm not some crazy sex fiend.... lol
(cause I wasn't always this way!)
I'm really grateful for my boyfriend - Bob! My guy is good with charging batteries for me - so I should have some gratitude!
Chino - that was funny! It made me laugh!
Seriously - there is something about being in mid 30's... the therapist was amazing to talk about it with. My guy thinks he has hit the jack pot - but on the other hand is kinda scared of me at the same time! lol I have lots of friends in this age bracket who know all too well about this. It's nice to have these conversations - it helps to know I'm not some crazy sex fiend.... lol(cause I wasn't always this way!)
I'm really grateful for my boyfriend - Bob! My guy is good with charging batteries for me - so I should have some gratitude!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by Abundance 
I'm really grateful for my boyfriend - Bob! My guy is good with charging batteries for me - so I should have some gratitude!
Last week, my gynecologist didn't know who Bob was. Her assistant and I just looked at each other and laughed!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
LOL! That is funny!
My guy asked me ... if we didn't have this certain frustration then if we would need this. I think that not having this frustration would only eliminate a little bit of the sting... there is plenty more to work through! But while we are at it - be kind to the woman who is in her thirties... and show some respect! I'm basically a guy in his teens ... he should know how this feels! LOL
j/k guys... if I can't laugh .. well... I gotta laugh ... it's a good RELEASE!
bahahahahahaah!
My guy asked me ... if we didn't have this certain frustration then if we would need this. I think that not having this frustration would only eliminate a little bit of the sting... there is plenty more to work through! But while we are at it - be kind to the woman who is in her thirties... and show some respect!
I'm basically a guy in his teens ... he should know how this feels! LOL j/k guys... if I can't laugh .. well... I gotta laugh ... it's a good RELEASE!
bahahahahahaah!
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