helpformyson

My son begged me to help him by putting him into a rehab program. I Marchmen Acted him so he could not leave. He did the detox, 3 weeks in the homeless center and 60 days in rehab (all in the same program). Once he entered the 1/2 way house, which allowed more freedom, and got his first paycheck, he started using again. He tested positive twice and his counselor gave him a choice of starting over again or leaving. He left. I told him that him that I was terminating our relationship as it is killing me as well. Did I do the wrong thing?

Freedom1990

I have a 31 year old daughter who is an addict, and our relationship is next to non-existent.

I gave her a chance to start over after she did a lengthy stay in jail on felony drug charges.

In 30 days time she stepped over every boundary I had set in my house, and also drug my then 15 year old daughter into her insanity too.

Out the door she went.

It sounds like your son had some wonderful resources to get him started on his path to recovery.

He made the choice to use again.

Please be gentle with yourself, and work on healing from the effects his addiction has had on you. :ghug :ghug

ANGELINA243

I can't be the judge of what is right or wrong. What do you mean by termination exactly? Do you mean that while he is still actively using that there will be no relationship? If so, that is understandable--you need to detach yourself from his disease. I know it hurts when it is your child--but you did try to help him. When he is ready to accept help and really wants to stop--well, then maybe you can reevaluate the situation later. You don't want to be an enabler--by giving him money I mean. If that is what he does when he calls--asks for money or help otherwise....but doesn't want to stay clean--well you are within your rights to set/establish your own boundaries (for your own sake & personal safety) and stick to them. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

helpformyson

My son has financially, emotionally, physically drained me. I have nothing left to offer him but my unconditional love and have told him that. I can not be a part of his life while he is using, because it is killing me to watch him self destruct. I told him that I would support him in his recovery, but that he could not be a part of my (or my family) life, as long as he is using. Of course he denies using, but his counslelor said he had 2 positive tests. My son told me that he does not want to loose me, but yet knowing the consequences, chooses to use.

greeteachday

Welcome! I'm glad you found SR - it's filled with support and caring folks who understand. Lots of moms here too who have done everything possible and then some, to "help" their addicted kids. We all came here when the pain...emotional and often physical, just got too much and we reached our own "bottoms."

I think you have established a healthy boundary for you, and as diffcult as it may seem, your actions help your son as well. I learned (although I had to live through lots of pain to truly wrap my arms around the idea and accept) that when I kept giving my daughter a soft landing, I actually was prolonging her active addiction. I could not love my child to health. They say when the pain of using becomes more than the fear of recovery, an addict will seek help. No matter how much I loved my daughter, and she loved me (I have no doubt she loved me) she had to want to seek recovery for herself. She had to be both ready and willing to do whatever it takes.

We can't predict whether your son will choose to get back on the recovery path (I pray he will) but I am certain that you have made a good start in your own recovery from what addiction has done to you. Lots of hugs. Keep reading and posting and if you can, find a face to face Alanon or Naranon meeting.

Spiritual Seeker

Today this is the right choice for you.
It is what you need to get your equalibrium (sp ? ) back and make strides toward serenity.

It is time to put the focus on yourself and other things besides your son.

You are exhausted and disappointed. Good for you to acknowledge how you are feeling and change course.

The choices we make today are not set in cement. They are just choices that are right for right now.

I never give up on my addicted son. But when he is going down, I can't hang on and go with him.

sleepygoat

I have not officially terminated contact with my AD, but by refusing to help her find treatment (she walked out of treament 8 times before and never finished treament), by not giving her $, not rescuing her from abusinve BF anymore(she goes right back to him), not taking her to HIV clinic appts (she is verbally abusive when I do even though she asks me to take her), not letting her come home unless clean for 30 days (never stayed clean that long), -Well, it turns out she has very little use for me now that I have set some boundaries. She rarely calls now and rarely answers her phone when I call her. I didn't have to cut contact; it sort of happened on its own when I refused to be used and abused.

Either way, its up to you what you are willing to do and not do. There really are no rules when it comes to this stuff. As moms, so much of what is good for us is also painful for us. But the pain (as you know) is there anyway, and 'trying to help' is often the most painful of all.

Seren

Oh...I"m so sorry to hear about your son. My BF is going through nearly the same thing. He just told his addict son that he is not welcome at his house unless and until he is in recovery. It has been very painful for him, and he broke down this weekend with grief over his son, but he also know it is the right thing to do for him because living with an active addict is impossible for him. I hope your son will find recovery soon!

Hugs, HG

winnie12

There's no right or wrong - its just what we can and cannot do. You have tried to help him the "logical" way but that's not working. I actually found that the best help I ever gave my AS was when I stopped helping him. At some point we have to let our children fall. You are still being a loving mother by allowing him to fall on his own.

outtolunch

How old is your son?

helpformyson

he just turned 22 a couple of weeks ago.

helpformyson

I feel like I am living in a state of perpetual sadness, dissapointment (for what he could have been or could have), worry (is he laying in a gutter somewhere or going to od). He even agreed with me that long time users almost always have major health issues (if they live).

Serenity Bound

Welcome to SR!!! There really is no right or wrong. You have to do what feels right to you, what you can live with. The last time my RAD relapsed, we had a conversation and I told her that I could no longer speak to or see her, unless she was in recovery. My daughter is 30. She has 2 children. It can really devastate us if we let it, I have had to learn to many things, the first is the 3 c's
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it

I had to really reach my bottom, the fact that her addiction was causing my life so much grief that I was very close to having a nervous breakdown. At that point I found myself attending Al-anon & Nar-anon meetings. This saved MY life. I can only take care of me. I have to "Let Go & Let God" take care of her.

I hope you will stick around, read the stickies at the top, & the other posts. Think anout f-2-f meetings.

Sending prayers for both you & your son.
Chris

JMFburns

Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what brought you here. My son is 28 yrs old, has only tried one outpatient treatment program, but has not gotten his life working for him. He is in a homeless shelter and is facing charges for writing bad checks and other issues. I still have communication with him, but it is a very bad drain on me and doesn't help either of us.

I pray for help for all of our addicts and for our own recovery.

Hangin' In

Detachment ... that is what this is called.

We've discussed this many times on this board and at my meetings. For me I have to decide what is good for me, and then set my boundary. But keep in mind boundaries are about you ... what you can and can't live with, not an action I would take hoping for a certain outcome with my AD.

We've also talked about how sometimes it's hard to detach lovingly. Sometimes it's just easier to cut a person off, maybe that's the only way a person can do it (detachment) at that particular time.

I've found that the longer I work my program (12 step), I've been able to detach from people without totally cutting them off. I can detach, but it doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I'm deciding on what I will and won't allow up close and personal in my life.

I'm like you. I DO NOT do well with a front row seat to the active addiction.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

mooselips

We have choices.

I also made the choice to detach farther from my oldest son while he was using, and I made it perfectly clear, that if he was sober, or if he requested ReHab I would be there for him.

It's Let go, or be dragged.