Abundance

Still of the mindset... "ask for forgiveness not permission" ....


(((Alaia))) .... Keep posting here... your recovery is showing in your stories and postings. You are looking at yourself and your own wants and needs more so than his! Yet.. you are still being supportive of him. I really know how you are feeling right now.

Because I felt it was the "right thing to do" - I would give out empty threats- just because I knew that was what I should be doing! But I wasn't ready for it- therefor I didn't follow through. So what I started doing was only "saying" and going through with what I thought I could handle for sure! That way I was staying to true to myself and my words! I was now showing action.
I was honoring my boundaries.

Baby steps....... just remind yourself to keep looking at yourself. your mind, feelings, emotions, and sensations. Keep the focus on you!

BIG love xoxoxo

Alaia

your not making me feel bad. I posted all of this cause I need advice and no one gives it to me straight like the people here @ SR and I am so very grateful for this site and all of you.

Callie

Just like abs, I too know where you're coming from. I need and STILL need the 2x4's that I only receive here. Just read, read, read here. Read abs's story, read mine. My advice is run for the hillss, but you'll do it in your own time. I'm sorry you're going through thiss It's not fun. Especiaaly when you're a wife and have thingss legally and financially bindingg

cessy68

Alaia,

you have had some very loving and supportive words to me during my time here on SR.

I want to say a couple things to you- that I mean, with my heart and love going out to you.

I read your posts, and this one made me shake my head. I'm sitting here saying to myself, "my god, why is she hanging on? Why would anyone want this? Why is she torturing herself by rationalizing very clear, evident, actions on his part- that he is decieving her - STILL- not only with drugs- but other things. Why does she even want a man, (when you take away drugs) fails his responsibilites, how would she feel if she were the ex? How would she feel if she were HIS CHILD?"

With that being said, it broke my heart- because I realized that when YOU are the one going through it- YOU can't see it. Perhaps you read my posts and think the same thing- Perhaps that is what others see here- when I write about my woes.

It is so crystal clear when you read others- but when you tangle up YOUR heart, its somehow sooooo, sooooo different.

Try to take your mind and your heart and seperate them for just one minute.

Try imagine someone elses name where you wrote this post, take a way the heart (just for a moment) and re read what you wrote. What would u say to that person?

Then perhaps when you look at it that way, you will see it- then you can just start working on the pain in YOUR heart, and what motivate YOU to hang on so bad.

Thats where the fixin is needed.

It hurts so bad, when our hearts are so fragile- and the mind and heart havent quite decided to get on the same page.

I will end this by useing the best advice I EVER heard. Pretend you see ALAIA as a little little sweet innocent girl.... way back, like when you were five....

Someones behavior was realllllly hurting that little girl, what would you do? Protect her? I hope so....

Look at what's going on here with you, and treat yourself like that now. Tell yourself the things you'd tell a child you had to protect. Tell yourself "alaia, I know this hurts, but we aren't going to see him anymore. I'm takeing care of YOU.... someday you will understand, I am takeing care of YOU"

Let yourself feel those feelings of wanting to kick and scream like a little kid, let yourself cry, and let yourself be consoled by the one person who can really take care of you and help you heal..... that is YOU.

It is powerful advice, and very hard work, but what an amazeing feat - when you are really able to do it.

Lots of love,
Cessy

bluebelle

Cessy, I agree with you. It is really hard to look at things objectively when it is entangling your own heart. I read today that you can write a journal entry but talk about yourself in the 3rd person (he/she). I guess that is supposed to take some of the personalization out of it and may help you to be honest about your situation. I've never tried it. Your words just made me think of it.

Abundance

Cessy - that brought tears to my eyes.

Alaia... When I go back and ready replies to threads a year ago - I see now what I didn't see then. I agree with Callie about the 2X4's ... It is good to have a dose of reality and step outside of my perception. Wakes me up a bit - but only when I am ready can I relate to it.

I can relate to how stoked you are feeling that your bf is now being honest with you. That is your quick fix! It's a patch to a problem. When I kept patching up my issues and getting quick fixes ... they just would hold temporarily until the next thing! Which was every 2 weeks! So - I turn the focus back on myself - and found that I was tired of the "quick fixes".

Enjoy this time with your boyfriend in the authentic realm - but keep your rain coat on and don't let his world penetrate you to the point that you lose sight of your own wants, needs, goals, and wishes. I think you are already doing it... and that you are aware of what the universe is bringing to your attention.

BIG hugs and love ~

peace xoxo

itisatruth

Yes - keep that rain coat on - protection is not a bad thing! The universe has a way of making itself known...

outtolunch

Almost a year ago you posted about the lies, stealing, check forgery, more lies and then some more.

And here you are, almost a year later, still immersed in and addicted to his personal chaos, trying to believe him.

What would be the best thing that could happen if you ceased participating in anything and everything to do with him?

winnie12

Alaia, through each post you have made over the last few months - you have started out with a valid grievance - something that you have an absolute right to be angry over. then as each thread progresses you talk yourself out of it - try to see his side and turn it around to where he hasnt really done anything wrong. You're his safety zone - his soft landing. He does what he wants, then rationalizes it to you. He is calling every day because that's how he keeps you hanging on. Screw up, say I'm sorry - tell her i love her - manipulate her thoughts, keep her hanging on. After all this time dont you see the dance the two of you are in? A man who has done nothing wrong doesnt have to lie.

Just as an experiment, next time he messes up, why dont you just not take his calls for a while? In fact dont take calls from anyone so that you can be alone with your own thoughts without any outside influence. Stop calling the rehab, stop calling ex's and friends. Its good for him to know he may loose you and its good for you to not give him the opportunity to manipulate you. He said he needed some alone time so why cant you have some alone time?

Alaia

Winnie...I wish I had read that earlier. ex has been texting me today. Telling me I shouldn't trust bf or girl. She wanted me to call girl again, which I will not do. I am not in frigging high school. Ex says bf has been over girl's house, he told her so, and he tells me he has never been there and so does girl. Ex also tells me they were alone on last sunday, not in a group...but she didn't see them in the car so idk. I am ready to have a breakdown. I wish I saw your post. If I didn't need my phone for work I would turn it off. I haven't called bf cause I don't want to talk about this anymore. Ex kept bugging me then quickly switched to "I am going to mind my own business" when I wouldn't do as she suggested. Bf told me yesterday not to talk to ex...which I should have listened to, cause now i am at work all upset again.

So my plan is to not answer anymore texts from ex and not to talk to bf and I know girl wont call me, and I am not calling her. I really want to talk to bf but I know its just going to blow up into who knows what, and I don't want to deal with it, nor should I have to if I can prevent myself from being put right back in the middle. It's almost like tug of war between ex and bf and I am stuck in the middle, but I am the one who put myself there.

Thank you everyone for your advice! :ghug

Alaia

Because I love him.

winnie12

You got that right! keep telling them and yourself that.

They are both trying to control you for their own uses. His ex is mad and wants you to be mad at him as well - gives her power. Your bf wants you to sit in the back and not hear anything but what he wants you to believe - gives him power.

but Alaia has her own power - the power to choose NOT to let them manipulate her anymore. I think they are underestimating you.

Abundance

Alaia!!!! WOW... way to go girl! You are seeing where YOUR power is! And :X is where it's at right now for you! My nana always used to say.... "a still tongue keeps a wise head"!

You are looking at just what chaos you want to play a role in!

Winnie - dead on!

357girl

There is a way to get around this. You can always block their numbers from calling you. I know it would be incredibly hard to do, but there are ways to keep them from calling you while you try to sort things out in your head.

I can relate to your initial post as I was in two relationships very similar. You love him and you can't just let him go. It took me 6 years to do that very same thing, no matter how many times I found out my XBF was cheating/lying to me. I'm glad cell phones and emails had not yet evolved during that time. The drama was hard enough without that. Playing detective by constantly looking for and digging up deceptions is a horrible way to live. I know that I got caught up in that drama and could not stop. Finally, the love just went away and I found someone else, not in that order though. That's not the best way to get out of an unhealthy relationship, but I just could not stop loving him regardless of what he was doing to me. Mine is not the best experience to relay on this board, as all of the advice from others is so darn good.

When my AD ran out of phone minutes on her phone card in rehab, she said she finally had peace in not having the ability to call her ABF.

Take care of yourself today,
~C

Callie

Great post Winnie. I have done this exact thing Alia for years. I actually went back and re-read my posts when I first came here 8 months ago. It is pathetic how obvious it is to me NOW what was not obvious THEN. I have been on the same hamster wheel with AH for YEARS. It's taken me YEARS to finally realize that even though I care about AH, it is no longer healthy for me to be married to AH. I cannot straddle that fence anymore. I've also learned that it is not healthy for AH to be with ME either. We NEED that seperation and I need to hand AH's problems back to HIM.

Alia, you say you love your abf. I love my AH also, but know that it's not healthy for me to be on the same hamster wheel over and over anymore.

shockozulu

I had a co-worker that would "drunk dial" me when stoned. I simply changed the ring for her in my contact book to "silent". That way I can keep my cell phone on and don't have to worry about dealing with her.

Abundance

Good stuff Callie! I go back and read my threads/posts as well. I look at how much growth I have made! You should too! You have made a ton of growth! I particularly enjoy reading the ESH from a recovery perception. I truly did take what I wanted to hear and left the rest! lol

Alaia...... I also read the threads to see just how bad it was! And I have found that the more I take accountability for my happiness and less from needing my happiness from him....... the more I have grown in my recovery.

Someone here... used to write out the time frame that she would have an issue - and how long it would last. They kept on getting shorter time spans with how she dealt with it - and they were happening fewer and fewer - because she was deciding where she wanted to give her power. She doesn't post here any more - but she was HUGE in my recovery! I love that outlook!

Abundance

Alera! I do that still with some callers. And it works fantastically well! I also used to do that with my guy when I was putting the "no contact" rule in place. Although - I would find myself checking my phone constantly. So instead - I just changed the ringer to a good song that reminded me of why I didn't want to answer the phone!

There are many tricks we can use to help ourselves!

outtolunch

That did not answer the question and that's OK.

So does loving him mean it's OK to be lied to, cheated on and stolen from?

This is a safe forum where it's all about you, not him. What's in this deal for you?

Alaia

Thanks...I actually thought about this already today. It's not physically hard to have their #'s blocked. I can have up to 3 blocked last time I checked.