Losing boyfriend because of addict?
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Losing boyfriend because of addict?
I've been divorced for 5 years, dating my bf for 3 and during that whole time my AS has been in the picture. I told my bf from the beginning that he was free to walk away at any time because of the complications brought on by my son. My son has been out of jail now for about a month and a half, seems to be doing better but still has his times. He is almost 19 and as he's getting his head on straight will be living with me on and off.
So anyway, here's the question. Have any of you ever lost a bf or SO becauseof your addict? My bf and I have talked about marriage, but he has been slow to make the committment. So finally I said, "Sh** or get off the pot." he told me he couldn't marry me until my AS is out on his own and no longer living with me.
The mother bear in me came out, fine, I don't need you. Part of me wants him to marry me in spite of my situation. Part of me wants out of the relationship.
Any advice would be appreciated.
krhea
So anyway, here's the question. Have any of you ever lost a bf or SO becauseof your addict? My bf and I have talked about marriage, but he has been slow to make the committment. So finally I said, "Sh** or get off the pot." he told me he couldn't marry me until my AS is out on his own and no longer living with me.
The mother bear in me came out, fine, I don't need you. Part of me wants him to marry me in spite of my situation. Part of me wants out of the relationship.
Any advice would be appreciated.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: eastern Wyoming
Posts: 65
I did. I dated after many years of being a single mom to three. ADs drama started. BF was very confused. First thought I was heartless because I didn't rescue her from this mistake. "All kids make mistakes" he said. Then he started seeing it was going to be a long haul with many problems. He bailed. I'm fine.
It's been about three years now, and I am not interested in dating at all.
It's been about three years now, and I am not interested in dating at all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
krhea,
First of all, I'm really sorry about your situation. It sounds very difficult and stressful.
But secondly, I really want to tell you that in my opinion, your primary relationship and the one you give most priority should be that of you and your partner.
Ideally, your son is going to grow up and move out and become self-sufficient in the near future. And that leaves you alone with whoever who've chosen to spend your growing-old years with.
If you sacrifice that relationship for your son... addict or no... you are choosing him over yourself and your future.
I hope that's not obnoxious of me... It's just that I was raised by parents who put each other first, and now that we're all grown up, they're still together. Madly in love after 35 years and still travelling the world together. It's the only thing I'd ever want for them.
And for you.
First of all, I'm really sorry about your situation. It sounds very difficult and stressful.
But secondly, I really want to tell you that in my opinion, your primary relationship and the one you give most priority should be that of you and your partner.
Ideally, your son is going to grow up and move out and become self-sufficient in the near future. And that leaves you alone with whoever who've chosen to spend your growing-old years with.
If you sacrifice that relationship for your son... addict or no... you are choosing him over yourself and your future.
I hope that's not obnoxious of me... It's just that I was raised by parents who put each other first, and now that we're all grown up, they're still together. Madly in love after 35 years and still travelling the world together. It's the only thing I'd ever want for them.
And for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Khrea, I know it hurts, but I too can see where your BF is coming from. Looking in from the outside, knowing what we know about addiction and knowing how very, very difficult it is to sit in the front row seat and watch, I can understand why he would be reluctant to marry while your son is still in and out of your household. I think if I was in a similar situation, I'd take that position myself...I never want to be back in that front row seat.
It sounds like he doesn't want to walk away from you; he just doesn't want to walk into the middle of drama central. That's probably not a bad thing.
If your son keeps moving forward, he'll want to go out on his own. If he doesn't move forward, how long do you want to sacrifice your life and happiness to his addiction?
If you want out of the relationship because you don't think he's the one, that's one thing...But if it is because he doesn't want to be a part of the dance of addiction, maybe you might want to do a little more soul searching.
Hugs...I'm really sorry that this is your valentine's day dilemma. (although I'm no fan of "holidays" created by greeting card companies)
It sounds like he doesn't want to walk away from you; he just doesn't want to walk into the middle of drama central. That's probably not a bad thing.
If your son keeps moving forward, he'll want to go out on his own. If he doesn't move forward, how long do you want to sacrifice your life and happiness to his addiction?
If you want out of the relationship because you don't think he's the one, that's one thing...But if it is because he doesn't want to be a part of the dance of addiction, maybe you might want to do a little more soul searching.
Hugs...I'm really sorry that this is your valentine's day dilemma. (although I'm no fan of "holidays" created by greeting card companies)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
KR, that's a tough position to be in. I don't have an addicted child so I can't say that i've worn the same shoes.
But from an outsider's perspective, I agree with Sistershelp's comment.
An addicts choice is just that: they're choosing the life. We as family members need to make choices as well: we can choose our destiny(thanks, Chino!), or it will be chosen for us.
At the risk of sounding harsh, in your situation, it looks to be a very hard choice to make, and one that comes with conflicting emotions. It would be hard for me to say that I would still feel the same way about someone I loved(or look at them the same way again) if they told me I had to choose between my addicted son or daughter, or them.
But I can definately understand where they're coming from.
Can you say that you will go into this marriage with a full and happy heart by agreeing with him?
Maybe the lesson from the hindsight mirror is telling all of us that we need to decide on finishing one chapter in the book of our lives before we move onto the next.
It's not to say the same characters won't show up later on in the story, maybe even changed for the better.
Sorry if this sounds off-key. I was just thinking and typing at the same time...
But from an outsider's perspective, I agree with Sistershelp's comment.
An addicts choice is just that: they're choosing the life. We as family members need to make choices as well: we can choose our destiny(thanks, Chino!), or it will be chosen for us.
At the risk of sounding harsh, in your situation, it looks to be a very hard choice to make, and one that comes with conflicting emotions. It would be hard for me to say that I would still feel the same way about someone I loved(or look at them the same way again) if they told me I had to choose between my addicted son or daughter, or them.
But I can definately understand where they're coming from.
Can you say that you will go into this marriage with a full and happy heart by agreeing with him?
Maybe the lesson from the hindsight mirror is telling all of us that we need to decide on finishing one chapter in the book of our lives before we move onto the next.
It's not to say the same characters won't show up later on in the story, maybe even changed for the better.
Sorry if this sounds off-key. I was just thinking and typing at the same time...
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It would be hard for me to say that I would still feel the same way about someone I loved(or look at them the same way again) if they told me I had to choose between my addicted son or daughter, or them.
)
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Yeah, I know that you guys are right. I do need to put myself first, and i do love my bf. We've been through a lot in the past 3 years and I have no doubt that he loves me. I just feel like this drama with my son could go on indefinitely, and I want to get married and move on with my life. I guess I see it as a fresh start. Maybe I just need to chill out about the marriage and take it as it comes. Thanks for the quick responses. I guess I'm not the only one on-line on valentine's day!
krhea
krhea
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Maybe I just need to chill out about the marriage and take it as it comes.
Actully...it has me thinking, maybe I'll make it a separate thread. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Marriage is a really serious commitment to make to someone - its hard enough when everything seems perfect but you both know that life together quite possibly means chaos. What if your bf had a huge problem in his life - really bad financial problems or a stalker ex-wife? would you jump into a marriage with him or would you want him to deal with these issues first before making a commitment. You want him to make a commitment to you but you're also telling him that he has to make a commitment to your son as well.
I'm a single mom of an AS who is too young to leave. I made a choice not to date until my son was gone because if I liked someone enough to date them, i wouldnt want to put them through what I've gone through. You dont have a choice whether or not to be in your son's life but you're bf does have a choice and a right to make that choice. We all know what we can and cannot handle in life and honestly if i had been given the choice on whether or not to live with an addict I think I would choose not to.
During the worst of some of my problems I told my sister that I just want my life back to which she replied "but this is your life." It was a very simple statement that meant so much - i look for something else to happen tomorrow, some situation to make everything better, instead of realizing that this is my life right now.
If you choose to stay or leave your bf you should make that choice outside of your AS. I agree with SistersHelp on marriage. A marriage is a choice you make to commit to someone - its very different from a parent/child relationship which is one of nature. At some point even the biggest momma bear has to push the child out her cave for her own survival.
I'm a single mom of an AS who is too young to leave. I made a choice not to date until my son was gone because if I liked someone enough to date them, i wouldnt want to put them through what I've gone through. You dont have a choice whether or not to be in your son's life but you're bf does have a choice and a right to make that choice. We all know what we can and cannot handle in life and honestly if i had been given the choice on whether or not to live with an addict I think I would choose not to.
During the worst of some of my problems I told my sister that I just want my life back to which she replied "but this is your life." It was a very simple statement that meant so much - i look for something else to happen tomorrow, some situation to make everything better, instead of realizing that this is my life right now.
If you choose to stay or leave your bf you should make that choice outside of your AS. I agree with SistersHelp on marriage. A marriage is a choice you make to commit to someone - its very different from a parent/child relationship which is one of nature. At some point even the biggest momma bear has to push the child out her cave for her own survival.
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