Ah does drugs with his mother....

Old 02-11-2009, 08:07 PM
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scorpgrl1978
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Ah does drugs with his mother....

My AH does drugs with his mother, who is also a severe drug addict. He has a love/hate relationship with her, and he has told me on more than one occasion that they "bond" over drugs. Apparently when they spend time together they go on drug binges together....its awful.
How can a person recovering learn to deal with this situation, especially when it is his own mother? Do they avoid each other during recovery, I mean, how does that all work?

I know a large part of his drug problem is due to his mother, b/c she neglected and abandoned him when he was a child, and only spent "quality time" with him by doing drugs with him, since he was 13.
Now he's 30, and has two kids of his own. But he's not worried about them really, he's more involved in this very sick and twisted relationship with his mother. How does this all get solved during rehabilitation?
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Old 02-11-2009, 08:13 PM
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How can a person recovering learn to deal with this situation, especially when it is his own mother?
I too would like to know (only with father instead of mother).
I live with my dad that does drugs racaple and I'm trying to work on my own recovery at the same time. He doesn't know about my drug abuse though, and we don't "bond" over it but it is extremely hard for me to seperate myself from him. The only thing I can think of to do is isolate myself from him and try and surround myself with people that don't do drugs/also recovering from drugs (SR).

Currenlty I do not have any advice as I am dealing with the same thing and trying to figure it out, but I wanted to let you know that other people are out there trying to figure it all out with you.
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Old 02-11-2009, 08:24 PM
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When I was in rehab, I had to look at the toxic relationships that contributed to my addiction, and #1 on the list was my husband at the time, who had gone right back to drugging and drinking as soon as he got out of rehab.

I had to change playmates, playgrounds, and playthings.

Going back home to the husband was not an option for me. He was also paranoid, psychotic, and violent when using.

All rehab can do is give your AH the tools for recovery. What he does with those once he is out, including staying away from the people he uses with, will be up to him.
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Old 02-12-2009, 05:06 AM
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I see this so much. My AS tells me of parents of his friends that allow bf/gfs to spend the night, smoke weed, drink, smoke crack, not only around but with their kids. Most of them are the irresponsible parents who attempt to be cool and friends with their kids - they fool themselves into thinking that a 14 or 15 yo is adult enough and can handle it. Nothing irks me more than to hear a parent say that their child is their best friend. Kids dont need friends they need parents. Others are just addicts and have no control or care for what they are doing. Its never healthy when a parent acts like the child or acts like a peer of a child - no matter what the age the child is. What gets me is that even as an addict my son feels sorry for them - says that these parents dont care about their kids. Will he smoke dope with them - sure but would he want them as his parent he!! no. I think even a teenager feels loved when there are boundaries set up for their safety. None of these kids thinks using drugs is "good" for them and i think they really want someone to say no. Those who use with their parents seem to have the hardest time of all getting past it. Its just a simple truth that what we teach our children about right and wrong goes with them well into their adult life.

I have suspected that my son's AD - who abandoned him as a baby and only met him a year ago has used around him, drank with him, and probably allowed him to do other things at his house. It just discusts me but i had to let my AS figure out what his dad was about on his own. It was hard to step back but there's no way he was going to listen to me on that topic so i had to let him learn it. On his own he has told me that he doesnt think his dad cares about him and that he's just an alcoholic - i dont know what happened to help him see that but i'm glad he saw it on his own. now he has no contact and that's best - when AS is stronger then he may try to know his dad and that is his choice. The beginning of winder AS and his dad were both locked up in neighboring facilities on the same street each for their own substance abuse charges - that alone said so much about where my son was heading. After that the court agreed that dad could only have limited visitation with him - of course that did nothing but start a barrage of drunken latenight phone calls from dad. That may have been the final straw for son - here he is trying to stay clean and has a drunk dad calling him at 1:00 in the morning.

I pray that your AH can stop the cycle.
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Old 02-12-2009, 05:50 AM
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I haven't had this experience, but am now dealing with my stepmom, who has become an addict and I am living in the same household with her and my dad.

In the beginning, before I took my recovery seriously, she would "bribe" me with an occasional pain pill. They're not my DOC, but I have abused them in the past and wouldn't turn them down. Once I truly began recovery, I told her I didn't want them, and would take nothing I didn't have a prescription for. She kept trying, and I kept saying "no".

My XABF does use the same DOC I do (crack) and I could not continue to be around him. I am certain, that if anyone in my family, including a parent, were using crack, I would have to distance myself from them, too.

Once drugs are taken out of a relationship, I found there isn't much OF a relationship left. What we had most in common was using.

It's hard to step away from your family, but I know a lot of people here, who have done it. It's called self preservation.

Hugs and prayers!


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Old 02-12-2009, 07:06 AM
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Rehab does not cure addiction. Rehab teaches the addict how to use the tools of recovery to stay sober. All recovery programs work if one works the program which includes avoiding those people and things most likely to trigger a relapse.

I am going out on a limb here and say that given his use began so young and he's been at it for so long, he is probably still very much a young teen from an emotional and coping skill perspective and has a lot of growing up to do to close the gap. Have there been any consequences associated with his addiction?

What are you doing to reclaim the focus on yourself and your children, rather than he and his mom and their addiction?
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Old 02-12-2009, 10:06 AM
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Its a transition. Right now I'm living in a different state.....I saw him this past weekend, and brought our two children for him to see, for the first time in 5 months. He's gone way off the deep end. Before, when we were together, he was struggling with a pain pill addiction; now it appears that he has gone downhill very quickly and is doing (possibly?) heroin and meth. He got arrested on Jan. 1st for heroin, and claims that it wasn't his, although it was found in his truck in the speaker system. He has been doing a lot of denying, but I'm sure that he is lying, as he always has.
I am putting the pieces of my life back togeher. My family has been helping me and the kids out, we have a house, and I'm back in school going working towards becoming an RN. My life is actually pretty good, considering the situation. The hardest part is struggling emotionally with detaching myself from him and focusing on myself and the kids. I do it, but my thoughts often wander back to him and his problems. He also calls me a lot, just checking in or asking random questions.....it always brings me back to him and his problems. I filed for divorce 3 months ago, and its still not final yet. I do still care tremendously for him, but it was shocking to see how bad it has become for him. He's lost everything; I just hope that he comes to his own "bottom" before death, which is what I fear may be the next step. I do know that he will probably be going back to prison after his upcoming court date, and that he will probably be in prison for 1-2 years.
But yes, I'm doing ok, just coping emotionally with the transition, you know?
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Old 02-12-2009, 10:21 AM
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The hardest part about this for so many of us is acceptance that we have no control over anyone else or what they do. It's often like watching a train wreck, in slow motion and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Have you considered Alanon or Naranon to help you ?
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