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Getting Ready To Visit My Son

Old 02-10-2009, 11:27 AM
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rozied
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Getting Ready To Visit My Son

It has been a while now that my AS is back in jail. He wrote he wanted me to come and visit as he missed me. I have not seen him at all during this time. When he was in work release I did go to see him & we had a very nice time, but the last time I visited him in jail I walked out cuz I couldn't stand how he was acting.
I don't like to drive there during the winter as it is pretty far, and the roads are treacherous when there is bad weather. I am hoping in the nest few weeks all of it will melt. This week it is suppossed to be warm.
I am a little apprehensive about the upcoming visit.
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Old 02-10-2009, 12:07 PM
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((((Rozied))))

If you are ready to visit him, and have NO expectations, then go. I know you miss him, but if you are only going because he wants to see you, then maybe you need to rethink it. Remember, take care of YOU and do what is best for YOU...not him, okay?

Whatever you do, I am sending you big hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-10-2009, 12:55 PM
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prayers for you!!

Going to see my daughter in jail in December 2007 was up there in the top 5 hardest things I've ever done in my life. Nothing on TV prepares you for talking to your child on a phone thru plexiglass.

My thoughts & prayers will be with you!!

Rita
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Old 02-10-2009, 01:12 PM
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((rozied))
My thoughts are with you.
As Japic05 said. "Nothing on TV prepares you..."
Have a safe trip.

resting
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Old 02-10-2009, 02:48 PM
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Best wishes to you if you decide to go! I hope that it is a pleasant visit.

HG
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Old 02-10-2009, 04:53 PM
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Love bears all things
believes all things
hopes all things
endures all things

It is what it is...most often as a parent we keep the relationship no matter what form it takes.

let's hope for some warm + dry weather for your visit.
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Old 02-10-2009, 05:17 PM
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Good luck Rozied. Take care of mom first, and the rest will fall into place.
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Old 02-10-2009, 06:47 PM
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Ann
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Originally Posted by Japic05 View Post
Nothing on TV prepares you for talking to your child on a phone thru plexiglass.
Amen, Sister. I only ever went once, I just could not take the whole atmosphere and felt like I needed Clorex Wipes.

Rozied, I agree, go if you really want to (and only if it is safe roads) but don't feel guilty if you decide you'd rather not.

Either way my prayers are with you and your boy.

Hugs
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Old 02-10-2009, 06:53 PM
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rozied,

If you live near Lancaster Co. and would like someone to ride along, I would be happy to. I hope if you go you have a wonderful visit.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:21 AM
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rozied
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Thank you all for the input. I have been to see him before, he has been in & out like a revolving door the last 8 yrs. I have such mixed feelings. I am angry at him for all the grief he has brought our family & angry at him for all the grief he has brought himself.
To MyJoey ( my son's name is Joey too ) I live in Schulykill County, I know I am not near Lancaster County but thank you so much for the offer.
I haven't made concrete plans to go yet but know by next month I want to visit.
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Old 02-11-2009, 06:21 AM
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Ohhhhh the visits - never knowing before you go in what kind of mood he will be in. Will he be lonely and sweet wanting Mom or will he be angry and argumentative wanting someone to yell at. i like you, have my boundaries set in stone with visits. If he is abusive I leave and i dont go back for a long time. Before I do go back we have a discussion on the phone - he must apologize and then i yet again explain the boundaries of my visits.

i know the co-dependant should in theory do what they want for them but as a mom i understand that sometimes we do things we dont want to do for our children. We sometimes need to just see their face and see that they are healthy. I also know as an adult child that sometimes i still need to just be in the presence of my parents - people that love me even when i screw up.

I find it easier not to talk about important things. Instead talk about the food, his cell-mate, whether he is sleeping, playing cards, gotten any letters, etc. I try very hard to keep it from turning the conversation to what is going to happen when he gets out or his addiction. If he does bring that up I just say "that sounds great" or "that's nice" and dont offer any words of wisdom. Before I go in I say this prayer over and over, "let me be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to anger." It is my jail-visit mantra.

What has really gotten to me lately is that over the last month my son has started calling me "mommie" again vs. "mom" which he has called me for years. I dont know why but its as if he is starting to need me like a child again. I can just imagine how a psychiatrist would analyize that. I dont think he is doing it to manipulate me I just think that he is feeling more vulnerable.
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Old 02-11-2009, 08:19 AM
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rozied
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Oh Winnie, Thank you so much for your post. I agree with you 100%. When I go I don't want to talk about the future, what he is going to do when he gets out or where he wants to live etc etc. I just want to see him cuz I love him.
I will adopt your jail mantra for my own visit!
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Old 02-11-2009, 08:36 AM
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Hugs and prayers to you Rozied, whatever you end up doing!
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Old 02-11-2009, 01:24 PM
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Impurrfect put it right.. Do what you need to do.

Prayers and wishes for all
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Old 02-11-2009, 01:58 PM
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Hi rozied, I just saw this thread and wanted to wish yoou the best of everything while visiting with your son. I do agress that we as moms shouldn't ask to many questions anymore. We have tried to control their lives to no avail.....so sticking to the easiest of conversations I fell is the way to go. The weather has calmed down here in Fredonia and its raining today. We can finally see the grass. I only wish it could stay this way. So, good luck, drive carefully and let me know how the visit went. My prayers are with you..Hugs, Bonnie
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Old 02-13-2009, 08:00 PM
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Rozied,
Sending you hugs and prayers that you will know when it is BEST for YOU to go. When you go please have a safe trip. Do what you feel is best for you and not Joey, he will understand if he is working a program.
Sending you hugs
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Old 02-13-2009, 09:34 PM
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Hugs to you Rozied and prayers for you and your son. Whatever works best for You.
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Old 02-14-2009, 04:58 AM
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rozied
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Thanks everyone. The weather broke here this week & all the snow is gone. I don't expect it to last though as it is only Feb.
As far as visiting Joey I will be going sometime in March to be sure I don't get caught n the road in bad weather.
My ex had the nerve to call here yesterday to ask me what kind of a monster we created!!! I didn't say much but after I hung up I wote him a letter. I told him Joey was just like him & he didn't see the light till he was 58yrs old so Joey had 16more yrs before he would even catch up. I also said I pray it doesn't take him that long. My ex is still nuts even if he is clean & sober. He couldn't have cared less about his children for 25yrs!
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Old 02-14-2009, 06:01 AM
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(((Rozied))) I'm glad the weather has broken just a bit. My folks are in central IL, so I know how it can be. Sorry to hear that your ex has now decided he should be a parent. I hope that you won't let his words upset you too much (tough, I know). Hugs to you!
HG
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Old 02-14-2009, 04:00 PM
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((((rozied)))))

I haven't ever visited a child in prison but I have a brother that has spent quite a few days in prison. I have seen what my mom went thru. I know it is not easy.

I like the ideas to keep talk light and in the present. No need to take any abuse either. Oh yea and go only if you know the weather will be good no need to put undue risk on yourself.

Lastly but certainly not least take very good care of yourself...
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