losing my partner to an overdose.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 3
losing my partner to an overdose.
I have recently come accross the site in my quest to find some answers, so hoping someone out there may provide some insight.
4 weeks ago my partner of 5 years was found face down on the bed at home dead. Needless to say it has been hugely devasting.
At the time no needles or anything was found, however although we are still awaiting autospy results the police are about 90% sure it was a heroin overdose.
I asked his brother to come to the house and find his hiding places, which he did, and found used needles/ paraphanalia etc behind the bathroom wall.
I had no idea he was using Heroin.
How can this be so?
I'm not sure how to tell people, my friends, his friends about how he died - partly to protect his reputation and partly to protect mine. How can I tell people he died of an overdose, its either this or lie and I'm not sure what is worth.
How do I deal with the ultimate betrayal of his constant lies? Would he have been an addict without me knowing (he held a job, had money etc, etc)?
Is there anything I could have done?
What would have ultimatly led to his death - a bad batch???????
Any suggestions are helpful...
4 weeks ago my partner of 5 years was found face down on the bed at home dead. Needless to say it has been hugely devasting.
At the time no needles or anything was found, however although we are still awaiting autospy results the police are about 90% sure it was a heroin overdose.
I asked his brother to come to the house and find his hiding places, which he did, and found used needles/ paraphanalia etc behind the bathroom wall.
I had no idea he was using Heroin.
How can this be so?
I'm not sure how to tell people, my friends, his friends about how he died - partly to protect his reputation and partly to protect mine. How can I tell people he died of an overdose, its either this or lie and I'm not sure what is worth.
How do I deal with the ultimate betrayal of his constant lies? Would he have been an addict without me knowing (he held a job, had money etc, etc)?
Is there anything I could have done?
What would have ultimatly led to his death - a bad batch???????
Any suggestions are helpful...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Nicola...I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have no idea the ways of a heroin addict, but I do know that there are people here who will be able to provide you with some insight based on their own experiences.
Welcome to SR! I am glad you have found us. Again, you have my deepest sympathies.
HG
Welcome to SR! I am glad you have found us. Again, you have my deepest sympathies.
HG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nicola, I too am so very sorry for your loss.
The autopsy should tell you what you need to know, but heroin is one drug that can vary in potency depending where it is from and how "cut" it is with other substance, and an addict used to a certain dose may overdose if he gets purer heroin than he is used to.
Sharing how he died is up to you. If you don't with to discuss it, simply say that it's too painful to discuss right now and leave it at that. If the cause gets out through newspaper or media, it still doesn't mean you need to comment. You get to choose whether you discuss this with anyone or not. And as far as what people think? Let them think whatever they want, we can't control their thoughts and your real friends will stand by you.
You've come to a good place for support, others will be along to welcome you too.
Hugs
The autopsy should tell you what you need to know, but heroin is one drug that can vary in potency depending where it is from and how "cut" it is with other substance, and an addict used to a certain dose may overdose if he gets purer heroin than he is used to.
Sharing how he died is up to you. If you don't with to discuss it, simply say that it's too painful to discuss right now and leave it at that. If the cause gets out through newspaper or media, it still doesn't mean you need to comment. You get to choose whether you discuss this with anyone or not. And as far as what people think? Let them think whatever they want, we can't control their thoughts and your real friends will stand by you.
You've come to a good place for support, others will be along to welcome you too.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nicola)))
I am so sorry for your loss.
Yes, someone can be an addict without you knowing..at least for a while. Had he not overdosed, it probably would have worsened and it would have become evident.
What Ann said about Heroin, is very true. I am a recovering nurse, but heroin is probably the only drug I haven't done. I was a nurse for 12 years, and I've known people to overdose who had only done heroin a very short time. There are a few people here, who have lost loved ones the same way, and I am sure they will be here soon.
I also agree with Ann about what to tell people. It's times like this, you find out who your true friends are. Stick by those who stick by you, and don't worry about the rest. It may hurt, at first, if certain people act inappropriately, but it's best to find out their true colors now, and KNOW who you can depend on, no matter what.
I know this is a terrible time, for you, but I hope you stick around, read and post. This forum is full of some wonderful, supportive people.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am so sorry for your loss.
Yes, someone can be an addict without you knowing..at least for a while. Had he not overdosed, it probably would have worsened and it would have become evident.
What Ann said about Heroin, is very true. I am a recovering nurse, but heroin is probably the only drug I haven't done. I was a nurse for 12 years, and I've known people to overdose who had only done heroin a very short time. There are a few people here, who have lost loved ones the same way, and I am sure they will be here soon.
I also agree with Ann about what to tell people. It's times like this, you find out who your true friends are. Stick by those who stick by you, and don't worry about the rest. It may hurt, at first, if certain people act inappropriately, but it's best to find out their true colors now, and KNOW who you can depend on, no matter what.
I know this is a terrible time, for you, but I hope you stick around, read and post. This forum is full of some wonderful, supportive people.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I am sorry for your loss. My daughter used heroin and a few years ago there were a lot of heroin deaths in the big cities due to heroin being cut with fentanyl. That was something that worried me a lot. I hope that you find your answers. One thing about addiction that I can tell you is that, although it really feels like it is, it is not personal. The addict does not use to hurt other people. It is a sickness. Hugs, Marle
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Welcome!
Unless you have done the things he has done and had prior knowledge that he was using dope it may not have been discernible.
Don't beat yourself up it is not your fault. I believe that even if you had known he was using you probably would not have been able to prevent his death.
Take good care of yourself.
Unless you have done the things he has done and had prior knowledge that he was using dope it may not have been discernible.
Don't beat yourself up it is not your fault. I believe that even if you had known he was using you probably would not have been able to prevent his death.
Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
I am so sorry for your loss.
As Ann said, you don't have to discuss the reason he died with anyone, unless you chose to.
The one thing you ask, is there anything you could have done? NO! Addiction cannot be controlled or cured by the family and loved ones. It is a disease that can only be arrested by the addict, and then only when the addict is ready to face the problem and ready to change.
Hugs,
Chris
As Ann said, you don't have to discuss the reason he died with anyone, unless you chose to.
The one thing you ask, is there anything you could have done? NO! Addiction cannot be controlled or cured by the family and loved ones. It is a disease that can only be arrested by the addict, and then only when the addict is ready to face the problem and ready to change.
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I am so sorry for your loss.
My son used drugs for a very long time before i ever figured out what was going on. he started at 14 and i didnt find out for almost a year. This is all while he was living with me. I always thought he was just depressed and had other medical issues that were causing the problem - never suspected at all that it was drugs. In hindsight i realize that I saw what i wanted to see and also forgive myself becuase i know that during the worst of it I was going through my own problems that were clouding my ability to see things clearly. Even after I found out he was using i didnt realize the extent of what he was using until he was fully addicted. I dont think if i found out sooner it would have made any difference because he had already made the choice to go down that path no matter what.
My son used drugs for a very long time before i ever figured out what was going on. he started at 14 and i didnt find out for almost a year. This is all while he was living with me. I always thought he was just depressed and had other medical issues that were causing the problem - never suspected at all that it was drugs. In hindsight i realize that I saw what i wanted to see and also forgive myself becuase i know that during the worst of it I was going through my own problems that were clouding my ability to see things clearly. Even after I found out he was using i didnt realize the extent of what he was using until he was fully addicted. I dont think if i found out sooner it would have made any difference because he had already made the choice to go down that path no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Nicola,
I am so sorry for your loss.
My exhusband was a heroin addict. He hid his addiction from me for nearly a year. The addict HAS to hide the addiction if he wants to keep using without interference from the people who love him. This 'secret' isn't a reflection on you...its just a reflection of how insidious addiction is. If your partner hadn't died of an OD, you would have figured it out eventually. I'm sorry for the shock you must have felt (and are still feeling) at finding out about his addiction in such a tragic way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am so sorry for your loss.
My exhusband was a heroin addict. He hid his addiction from me for nearly a year. The addict HAS to hide the addiction if he wants to keep using without interference from the people who love him. This 'secret' isn't a reflection on you...its just a reflection of how insidious addiction is. If your partner hadn't died of an OD, you would have figured it out eventually. I'm sorry for the shock you must have felt (and are still feeling) at finding out about his addiction in such a tragic way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Nicola,
I am also so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the betrayal you must be feeling both that he's gone and for the unecessary reason for his death. Heroin is a thief!
Big hugs to you. Please stick around to read and post. This is an excellent website to vent, educate yourself and have good fellowship with people that have (unfortunately) had similiar experiences.
I am also so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the betrayal you must be feeling both that he's gone and for the unecessary reason for his death. Heroin is a thief!
Big hugs to you. Please stick around to read and post. This is an excellent website to vent, educate yourself and have good fellowship with people that have (unfortunately) had similiar experiences.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 45
I HATE HEROIN.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Especially to be blindsided with heroin. Do not I repeat do not beat yourself up. My AH was shooting up this past year. I had ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE. Addicts live in a secret double life. They are very clever. My AH continues to use and there is nothing I can do to make him stop.
This was completely out of your hands. It's so hard when you love somebody so much to accept that this is reality.
You will need to soul search to determine what you feel is appropriate to share with others.
I lend my support and prayers.
Maelynn
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Especially to be blindsided with heroin. Do not I repeat do not beat yourself up. My AH was shooting up this past year. I had ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE. Addicts live in a secret double life. They are very clever. My AH continues to use and there is nothing I can do to make him stop.
This was completely out of your hands. It's so hard when you love somebody so much to accept that this is reality.
You will need to soul search to determine what you feel is appropriate to share with others.
I lend my support and prayers.
Maelynn
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
I am so sorry.
My suggestion is to find Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area and attend at least 6 meetings. Most people think those meetings are for people who have active addiction in their lives. Yes, they are, but they are also for anyone whose life has been affected by addiction. You qualify.
The best thing I've learned through recovery in Al Anon is not so much that it taught me how to live with the addiction in my family, but that it's teaching me (active, present tense) to LIVE ... plain and simple.
Prayers and hugs,
Hangin' In
My suggestion is to find Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area and attend at least 6 meetings. Most people think those meetings are for people who have active addiction in their lives. Yes, they are, but they are also for anyone whose life has been affected by addiction. You qualify.
The best thing I've learned through recovery in Al Anon is not so much that it taught me how to live with the addiction in my family, but that it's teaching me (active, present tense) to LIVE ... plain and simple.
Prayers and hugs,
Hangin' In
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I too am so sorry to read about your loss. You have come to a good place as there are people here who know alot about this. Know that God has a plan for everyone's life, and we all have free will. There was nothing you could have done even if you knew. It was his life, and he made the choice to use.
Please be extra kind to yourself during the next year. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing. You have done nothing wrong.
Love,
Diane
Please be extra kind to yourself during the next year. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing. You have done nothing wrong.
Love,
Diane
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the shock that you must be feeling. It is such a terrible disease. Please know that there was nothing you could have done, as so many of the wise wise people on this site have said already. Take good care of yourself and know that many of us are thinking of you at this time.
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