cessy68

Hi guys,

For the past two days, I've been reading the posts and trying to catch up.

Wow, how some things never change- and congrats to those who do.

It's hard, the circle of ups and downs, when dealing with addiction. I had been doing well, until now. I will give you a quick recap- (cause I don't know where I left off) then I need some solid advice....

Kicked the abf out in Jan 1st or so....

He was gone for 2wks, at a hotel, where he claimed to be re-evaluating what he had done to us, begged to come home, had many face to face meetings w/ me, and asked me for help to get clean.

We went to meetings, and he wanted to quit cold turky- at home. (so I figured anything was better than doing nothing.) Our bedroom was like a hopspice unit for 4 days, while he threw up violently, diarreah, shakes, hot/cold sweats, pain, it was aweful. I had to help him walk, eat, etc.

On day 5 he went back to work.... was starting to get up at a normal hour again, he wasn't high.

somewhere around day six, Dr. Jeckyl reapeared, it was subtle, not like when I used to see him high as a kite, but yet, still - I knew something was happening. He denied it, tooth and nail (of course... ) saying "with all I went through- do you really think I'd do that??"

Yep - I did, and yes he is. He is right back into the same patterns, happy happy high guy, and tired tired, depressed, comming down guy.

I confronted him- he finally admitted it.

For the past 4 days since the admission- I've done nothing. I've said nothing. I feel numb, angry, sad, and hopeless.

I know the 3 c's -

My friends say, by me NOT saying anything- I'm allowing and accepting it. But what is there to say anymore? I'm disquested.

I can hardly find the energy to type this out to you all- but I need guidence.

Please- I just need some solid, loving, help here.

I'm afraid of kicking him out again- I don't want to deal with the UPS and DOWNS that doing that causes.... I feel so frigging stuck. I don't know what to say to him- cause SAYING anything is useless. He will never stop - unless HE decides toooooooooo ...... urgggggggh


CESSY :wtf2

outtolunch

Welcome home, Cessy. :ghug3

Freedom1990

Don't you have a daughter at home? If I'm wrong, I apologize. I sometimes get details confused on folks here at SR.

cessy68

My daughter is away at college, in Fla.... doing amazeing. I have 2 others as well, boys, who are waaay busy with friends, and I have shared custody with their dad, one week w/ me, one week with dad......

So about 50% of the time it's just me and him. I'd prefer to run solo at this point.

P.s. I wish my daughter were here- she's so amazeing- strong and dosen't settle or take any crap from anyone, just the way I raised her, just the way I USED to be....

Freedom1990

Fair enough.

You say you don't want to deal with the ups and downs of kicking him out.

What exactly are you living now that you've let him back in the home?

It's the same story, different day, Cessy.

How far into the insanity do you want to go again?

cessy68

I don't want to, freedom, thats exactly why I asked for some quidence... not a rhetorical question.

Don't you understand what I have asked? I'm not allowing myself to walk down a 'same story different day' path. Obvioulsly something has to occur that is DIFFERENT. I just don't know where to go, or where to turn.

I KNOW that 'talking to him' or 'SHOUTING at him' or whatever, will do nothing- so I've done nothing. I'm done with the old patterns, such as even bothering to call him to find out what time he will be home for dinner. I eat when it's ready, with or without him. I don't wait to go to karaoke, I just leave- If he's here- fine, he can elect to come- otherwise, I just go. I don't text him anymore, I don't call him during the day to say hi.

I have basically let go.

Today he asked 'what's wrong?' - and said I've been 'acting funny'

I again, decided NOT to elaborate, so that he can't twist my words, or justify his actions.

I'm just done with it.

I just don't know what to do now.
THanks,
Cessy

Freedom1990

I guess I truly am confused on what kind of direction you want.

For me, I can't have an active addict in my home, period.

I value my sanity and serenity too much for that.

Callie

Cessy,

For me, my AH has gotten clean 100x over, so this could go on and on and on. As long as you let it. Why he is so fearful of the sickness and why he always goes back to it, I'll never understand.

jan123

You say that you don't want to deal with the ups and downs of kicking him out again, and you feel stuck. Well from my perspective you have given him far more power over this situation that is warranted, and given yourself far less.

What are you getting out of this? Life ahead of you with someone who may or may not make it. The statistics speak for themselves. You have said that you are not giving him more words that are needed and are acting as if you have become despondent to what he is saying and doing. That is life in a practiced hell. Been there, done that.

What you want and what you need is important here. This time, right this minute is where you need to take care of yourself, as he is quite capable of taking care of himself. Believe it or not!

It's not fun to let people go when you love them. But you have to love you more than him. Hugs!

Serenity Bound

cessy, Just as jan said you need to love you more than him!! Sweetie if you raised a daughter that will take no s*** from anyone than I know you have it in you to be the same. He hasn't changed, doesn't sound like he wants to change, so what is in it for you? Where is Cessy in all of this? You know the routine, it's the same merry go round over & over until you decide to get off. I'm not sure why you are afraid to ask him to leave, you're certainly not happy with him there.

Think about it, what do YOU want?

Hugs,
Chris

Ann

Cessy, it's not about what you say to him or how you try to get him to change. It's about what you do to help yourself change. You don't have to do anything, sometimes doing nothing is an action until you can decide your next move. But staying in a relationship with an active addict just doesn't get better, in fact it gets worse over time.

Have you tried Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meetings for YOU? They will help you more than you know.

There is no "easy" answer to your problem and it doesn't ever "just go away". So at some point you may need to decide what is acceptable in your life and what is not and then find the courage to do what you need to do.

Hugs

sophia1980

Cessy,
I am in exactly the same situ as you, abf did a home detox last week ( seems like the 50th time!)...I stayed away cos in the past I have helped him do home detoxes soo many times! This time I gave a little support over the phone...

And now WHAM BAM! he ran off again to score at the w/e!

He's now trying again starting today....

He thinks he can do it all alone! How many times has he been round and round in circles with detoxing-clean-detox-clean.....

Im like you- sick and tired of this....!

He asks me for support. It seems if he gets a bit of support from me, he tries harder....to quit....or is this just my thinking?? I am helping him...he needs me....? I need to get my head back in 'codie no more' book!

If you continue letting him stay at home and carry on...how long will it go on for? and at what cost of your sanity? He can look after himself...he managed in the hotel for 2 weeks.

You need to concentrate on YOU!...look at what is happening to YOU in this mess....its not good for you health.

Since my abf relapsed- 3months ago,....we have been on the merry go round...every week he is starting a detox. I left over 4weeks ago....he's still on the merry go round...At the moment I'm glad for some peace...like you I think 'WHEN will it stop?'

I don't know what advice to give you...just that you are not alone in this situ and my thoughts are with you right now....


lots and lots of hugs
xx

ZombieWife

Were there stipulations on him coming home? Staying clean? Recovery?

If so, then he broke the verbal boundaries and "contract" with you.

It's up to you to decide where to draw that line, what to include in your boundaries, what you will and will not accept and to follow through.

Every time you don't follow through, he learns that it's ok to keep doing what he's doing. It's like the kid who is told, "go to bed at 8pm, I mean it." Yet, when 8pm comes, you never enforce it. Kids learn they can get away with a lot. Addicts, perhaps the same mentality.

Either way, glad to hear from you again. Take care of yourself!

justtired

Cessy - I don't really have any advice to offer. I just want to tell you that I totally understand how you feel. Letting go is hard. When you love someone, you don't want that to be the only option so you search for other options. When you don't come up with anything, you are at a standstill. My abf is still in denial. Hasn't even admitted to having a problem, much less even tried any sort of recovery. But I do the same thing as you. He says, "you are acting different". I say "Yes, I am". But can I tell him why? No! Because for one I don't want to hear how I'm wrong and have "that" discussion AGAIN. But also because the only other option is to say how I feel which will more than likely lead to not being together. It's just a matter of getting it through my thick skull that THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION. And the fact that I can say this all here and still not "get it" is beyond me! Good luck with taking the next step to your own recovery.

bluebelle

Cessy,
Sorry you're going through this mess. I know the rollercoaster well. I've read in the codie books that you shouldn't say anything that you aren't going to back up. So, if you tell him to get out--what were the rules of him coming back? Was that a stipulation when you kicked him out? If you are exhausted with this situation, then you have to do something about it. How can you improve your situation? You don't have to make a major life decision right now. However, there are things you can do to bring more peace to your life. For me, that involved me going back to school, working at a job, going running, etc. I still have many more things to do in terms of being more independent. However, I know that as I focus on improving myself, things get better. You can't sit around envisioning how great life would be if he just did a, b, and c. That's outside of your realm of control. BTW, I've been through this recovery stuff with ABF. The withdrawals from the drug are just a very minor part of it. The hardest part is the weeks, months, etc., that they have to live sober.