August011982

Obviously not right? An addict is an addict? Then what do you call someone who....

Only using prescription pain meds but takes 10 a day instead of 6 a day ?

Does not lie is completely honest about everything including where they are and who they are with at all times?

Holds a GREAT job has a beautiful house and gives there spouse EVERYTHING they need financially?

Is an AWESOME Father Loving understanding always there plays with the kids and is a great spouse ?

Has hobbies plays sports ?

Everyone that knows him loves him including your family?

The only thing they have done to there spouse that truly hurt them is a one time thing cheating and later confessed and was truly sorry and never did it again ?

BayAreaPhoenix

It's a progressive disease. There is such a thing as a "functioning" addict. The question is, how long does that last? For some- days, weeks or months, for some years -

Everyone's rock bottom is different. For some, just the thought they're going to lose their job, or lose their family, or lose their car is enough. For some, they take out wife, kids, family, lose everything and they still have a ways to go.

What's your rock bottom? Is it OK that he made a mistake, took responsibility for it and do you feel comfortable that it won't happen again?

It's all such a personal, case-by-case thing, it's only in hind-sight that we have all the answers. All you can do is live with what you know, or not.

(((hugs)))

outtolunch

Is this an out of the blue hypothetical situaton or are you trying to rationalize what's going on?

Please do not fool yourself that because these meds are prescribed, it's OK to take a few more than necessary. If he admits to 10 a day, he could be using at least twice that, each day.

Your first post here said your husband had been struggling with the disease of addiction for the entire relationship and was currently in rehab.

Subsequent posts said he was trying to convince you he could control his Vicodin use.

And now, here you are, singing the #1 hit song of addicts and co-dependents everywhere, " It's not so bad".

Life has a way of throwing us curve balls. What happens if, God forbid, he is unable to provide for his family, as he once did? Are you in a position to do so, if push comes to shove?

If not, well why not? Consider going back to school, if necessary. Volunteer and develop your skills and resume. In other words, get your own house in order so that you can take off the rose colored glasses and see things as they are. And who knows, the scenery might be as rosy with or without the glasses. But you won't know this until you are in a position to take them off. Know what I mean?

August011982

Outtolunch- I am sorry you must have me confused with someone else because I have never said that he is trying to convince me that he can handle his drug abuse He is currently still in rehab and doing everything in his power to stay clean . I never said I do not think he is an addict But I have known addicts and he seems to be the most fuctioning He himself checked into rehab and admitted he is fully powerless over drugs . So like I said sorry...must have me confused with someone else

jerect

10 a day!!!! Wowza, I would be a walking zombie, or rather a sleeping Zombie..

Sounds like an addict to me; I mean if you are an addict or even just tend to abuse pain pills, then one pill is to many

Can I ask you a question without seeming harsh or rude? But how do you know he is telling you the absolute truth all the time? I mean in a previous post you stated that he cheated on you.. even if he did later come clean, he still committed the worst kind of lie and worst kind of betrayal that there is.. Trust me, if he will cheat, he will also lie about other things..

There are many functional addicts who have great jobs and everything appears perfect on the outside.. however as the disease progresses, this ideal perfect situation will crumble.. Please read Callie's story here on SR if you think other wise..

Addiction is a very cunning disease, my AH comes across as a fun loving guy and he makes friends very fast and very easy... still doesn't make him any less then an addict..


Sweetie, this is the worst kind of betrayal there is... one time is one time to many...

I was once where you were about a year ago, I wanted to convince myself that things were not so bad.... afterall AH had a job, he came home at night, our bills were getting paid, we had food on the table, he was still going out on dates with me and was still this fun loving guy....

I fooled myself into thinking this so I wouldent have to look at the reality of what really was... Yeah, AH had a job all right, a job where he was only bringing home half his paycheck because he was spending the other half on pills, sure he came home at night after cheating on me with a coworker that works at the same bar as he did, yes our bills were getting paid, because I was paying them, we had food on the table because I was doing all the shopping and clipping all the coupons and just buying the basics so that we could get by, we would go out on dates all right, he would sleep on the way home or during the movie... he would disappear to the bathroom for longer then usual because he needed to get his fix so he could enjoy the evening. he was a fun loving guy when he was high but boy when the high wore off and he ran out of pills, it was hell on earth

He woulden't be in rehab if he wasn't an addict.. he may be functioning but there are a lot of functioning addicts... Pills are so easy to hide and much less obvious then say crack or alcohol but the damaging effects are still the same

August, Please take care of you... I think you really love your AH and it sounds like you have forgiven him of his infidelities and I think thats great but you still need to take care of you and your children... if you haven't already please consider alanon or naranon meetings... so that you will be able to take care of you no matter what the outcome is with your AH.

Freedom1990

You missed the point of what outtolunch was saying.

You're playing with semantics, and that's your choice.

We've all had our coping mechanisms in being involved with an active addict. My coping mechanisms almost killed me.

He's either an addict or he isn't. In my 21+ years around the rooms of recovery, I've never met a borderline addict, period.

You have a vast resource here to help you understand addiction, begin the process of healing for yourself, and it's your choice to utilize that or continue to focus on him and not help yourself.

I spent 12 long miserable years still locked in codependent thinking/behaviors after I left the EXAH because I refused to address my codependency.

I don't wish that on anyone. However, I can't save anyone from themselves either while they cling to their security blanket of active codependency.

greeteachday

I guess if I was only hurt by infidelity, I would have sought out an infidelity forum, not a friends and family of addicts forum.
I've never seen someone who didn't have a problem get into an inpatient rehab...nor for that matter have insurance cover it. I've seen heroin addicts who overdosed have to play the outpatient game and fail multiple times before inpatient was deemed medically necessary.

So I guess my answer is no...No such thing as a borderline addict.

It scares me how prescription drugs are thought to be somehow "better" than other drugs. I guess it is a way to stay shielded in denial. There really isn't a social hierarchy of drug abuse where pills are better than crack which is better than heorin....They are all highly addictive and all can kill.

I sure hope he sticks to recovery so you never have to find out how bad it can easily get.

jan123

Mine holds down a good job also, in fact when I knew him he loved going to work everyday. The motive behind the money though was to secure himself here with paying for half the bills. But more so to have the cash to use. Equally out of the year we lived together I think that he volunteered giving up his money maybe three times. All the rest of the time I had to beg him for it. The problem is progressive, and they become even more practiced with hiding their reality in time. We become more proficient with our RADAR in time. Listen to your gut, it is usually right. Hugs!

Freedom1990

I will say that the prescription drugs were my escape the years I was married to my first husband (he was a normie).

I rationalized in my mind because they were legal and prescribed that it was okay. Never mind the fact I was abusing them by taking more than prescribed, and often drinking with them.

You are so right. They are all highly addictive and can kill.

winnie12

For everything I know my AS has done there's probably 10 more things I dont know about.

outtolunch

This is one of your initial posts to this forum:

Hi- your husband is lying to you it sounds so familiar my husband tried to make me believe that he could control his vicodin addiction . Its a big fat lie addicts are the best liars and will manipulate the situation to get there high

It sounds as though your husband is a functioning addict at this point. Most are, until they no longer are. Know what I mean?

That he voluntarily checked himelf into a rehab is really good stuff.

Impurrfect

My stepmom has legit pain. About 18 months ago, she said she couldn't take Lortab 10 mg because they were too strong for her. Six months later, she was taking Lortab 10 mg twice a day. A few months later, she was taking them THREE times a day. In Dec. she was so addicted to them, she was getting them (and more drugs) from a friend, and was arrested for trying to fill a fraudulent prescription. She is 62 years old and has never been in trouble with the law.

She swore she'd never take too many pills again. Jan 5 she got a prescription for 90 Lortab 10 mg, said she would only take 3/day because she couldn't GET anymore for a month. After she fell out on the floor, 2 nights ago, high as a kite, I found a bottle for 100 lortab 10's in her purse, filled on 1/31....there were 50 pills missing in 5 days.

She had gone through 140 pills in a month. This progression took 18 months.

99% of the time, most people can't tell she's high. I can, because I'm a recovering addict. All they see is she's in a good mood, and productive. That's what opiates do.

If you are taking more than what is prescribed, you have a problem. Period. I'm glad he checked himself into rehab, because this is a very insidious addiction and it will sneak up on you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

bluebelle

My ABF is also addicted to pain pills. He took them for 8 years, was off for 7 months, relapsed for another 5 months, and is now clean for about 6 weeks. He is a very intelligent, hard-working person. In fact, the opiates helped him to work and accomplish more. For awhile, he was taking care of his kids, his elderly parents, and working 50-60 hours a week. He was using opiates to try to accomplish all of this. After his parents died, things got so much worse. He was using so many pills that it was becoming very apparant that he had a problem. He was slurring his speech, swaying when walking, and he swerving off the road.

My point is that the pills are highly addictive, and can cause serious problems. He is now in danger of becoming in trouble with the law because of his doctor/pharmacy shopping during this last round. He started up again, and realized that he had absolutely no control over these pills.

Be very careful about what your husband is telling you. Follow his actions, not his words. Addicts are extremely manipulative and lie all the time. It goes along with the disease of addiction. My ABF lied and manipulated to get his drugs, and then lied and manipulated so that I wouldn't know what he was doing. Even when clean, he really has to work on honesty.

It is wonderful that your AH has realized that he has a problem and has put himself in rehab.

cessy68

August, if your ah is in rehab- then why are you questioning that he is an addict?? I truely think you have your eyes wide shut. You justified and accepted his infidelity, now you are justifying and accepting his drug abuse.

I was told repeatdly that my abf was only doin "a pill" here and there. Try up to 20 a day. I know it is difficult to see reality, but I suggest you take a good hard look- and think about your perceptions.

Just so you know - that i'm not talking out of school here- I will describe to you my abf -
(he is always groomed, showers, works, owns his own business, has 20 employees, pays his bills, sees his children, has perfect credit, has tons of friends, attends family function, is handsome, funny, charasmatic.)

No wonder I stayed for so long. The reality is- the down side, which I won't bother explaining again- how his addiction undermines our relationship and hurts me to the core.
You could look through to some of my posts to understand what I am talking of.

In the meantime- try to figure out why you want to accept all the hurtful things - you have allowed him to do to you and your family.

Love,
Cessy

Sunflowers

An addict.

An addict who has become very good at convincing people that he's telling the truth.

An addict who is providing financially to support his habit, but may be neglecting the emotional health of his family by continuing to abuse pain pills.

An addict, who while he may love his children and his wife, loves his pills more.


An addict who plays sports.

An addict who is truly loved and cherished by his family and in-laws.


I know that some of this may sound snarky hon, but in the end an addict is an addict as you have said yourself. My sister is a meth addict, and kept it hid from us for EIGHT years. She seemed normal, had lovely children, and is still greatly loved by anyone who comes into contact with her, however she is losing her home, her children, and is looking at a potential sentence of up to 45 yrs because of her addiction. Her addiction potentially created birth defects in the children that she loves so dearly, and may potentially affect their health for the rest of their lives. Do we still love her and wish it wasn't true? Of course we do! All the while, she has continued to maintain that she is a "good" mother. Addiction doesn't make sense, and I am rapidly coming to believe that trying to make it all add up and make sense is the quick path to insanity. I'm sending out good thoughts for you and your husband, and I pray that you find a way to come to terms with his addiction.
:praying

Ann

If he is in rehab it appears that indeed he has as problem, but wise enough to do something about it.

August you ask a lot of questions about addicts here, but what about you?

It matters less how someone else behaves and more how we are handling it. I know that for me I lost myself somewhere in my son's addiction and it took meetings, learning to work the steps and a lot of time here at SR before I found my balance again and could reclaim my life.

While he is at rehab, why don't you maybe try some meetings for yourself? Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so why not give it a try?

Hugs

Limiya

An addict is an addict even if he is functioning normally. My abf has a job, and uses about twice a week, sometimes more. The rest of the time he goes to work, pays rent, food etc.
He's still an addict. He thinks he has control over it though.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

My father-in-law and sister-in-law-to be are both highly successful. they have advanced degrees, jobs, well dressed, well read, well spoken, well known... they both have lots of friends and make a great deal of money. and they drink ~2 bottles of wine a day and take prescription medication which they "have prescriptions for" but still for some reason need to "borrow" pills from other people. according to most of the world, including those closest to them (who always seem to like to wear those pretty rose colored glasses) their addictions are not bad. according to MIL he is an alcoholic at times, but has always been a "good provider" for their family. She conveniently forgets the time he filed for bankruptcy, the houses they've had to suddenly had to move out of without warning, the businesses he tried to open that failed...
it's just funny how, looking back, things can seem a lot better than they actually were.
i, too, said that my A has been a good father and partner and mostly honest throughout his active addiction. and he was, in the sense that he wasn't emotionally or physically abusive to us. he always told me where he was going, but maybe not WHY he was going. he usually told me where the money was going ("to pay a bill") without mentioning why the bill didn't get paid in the first place. I'd remember all of the times he played with our son and was so good, not thinking about the fact that 3 out of 4 times when he promised to do something (take him to the park) he fell through on it.


just my 2 cents.