AH's bills...
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AH's bills...
You know AH is in rehab, you know the insurance drama, which I still don't have an answer for yet.
After MIL and I got into it last week about the COBRA stuff and her opening his mail and not forwarding pertinant info to me, she's been putting AH's mail all together for me. I went in to get it. Apparantly AH has not paid his bills (cell phone and 3 credit cards) in about 4-5 months and everything is being sent to collections. I am livid about everything. There is even a Cobra bill in there for life insurance. Of course because I didn't get the bill it's not been paid. So neither AH nor I have life insurance now! I will call Monday to try to get it reinstated. If you recall AH basically tried to OD a few weeks ago so if he would have succeeded, the kids and I got NOTHING. The policy is/was for about $300k.
He is also late on a rental property and I got a letter (from MIL) that if it's not paid up by the end of the month it will go into foreclosure (his name is on the loan, but there is $3k owed and it appraises for $50k). He's been taking the rent and using it for drugs for the last 5 months.
I am doing my best to DETACH from MIL because I am livid that she knew all of this and didn't say a word. I am livid that she gave him $ every day for drugs, rather than do something about his bills. I thought AH had been paying his bills all along at least somewhat with the $ he got from unemployment. I of course am going to handle the Cobra stuff. AH called today and I told him of the sitch. He just says I'm sorry Callie, I was f'ed up - I don't even know what was going on with my finances. I said what do you want me to do with your bills? One minute he says just forget it, do nothing. The next minute he says I cannot handle this right now (15 days into a rehab).
I know you'll all jump to the defense of MIL. I KNOW it's AH's business, his fault etc. but I just can't forgive her right now. She tries to call me every day sobbing "I miss him, is he ok? Is he doing alright? At least here I could keep an eye on him." YES, YOU KEPT AN da$n fine EYE ON HIM AND GAVE HIM $ DAILY FOR DRUGS! I do not answer the phone for the most part when it's her as it drives me through the roof.
What is the BEST non codie way to handle this? Do I forward all of HIS bills to him in the rehab and take care of the ones that I am on? What exactly happens if someone just doesn't pay their bills (credit cards, cell phones).
It's all messed up because I am on the name of the rental property that MIL lives in. She's been late every month for about 4 months and now doesn't have enough to make the tax payments because she's been giving him $ for drugs. THIS EFFECTS MY credit!
Yes, I am in contact with lawyers, but back to AH's stuff - send it to him whether he can handle it or not.
Alright Anvil, Freedom, Cynical one - shoot me down.
You've gotta give me credit though, I did have 2 fairly uneventful days. I just hate this and HATE that he can take me down financially with him. If he'd have succeeded in OD'ing I would have been screwed. Let me say again I KNOW that it's AH's fault, but he was arrested for wacking a bag of lays potato chips in Walmart trying to "open" them. MIL KNEW he was this bad. He was blitzed during the last several months, she was not. She still in her right mind gave him $ and didn't let ANYONE know how bad he was. I am in NO WAY letting AH off of the hook here - I blame him 100% for failing his family, but she helped him do it.
After MIL and I got into it last week about the COBRA stuff and her opening his mail and not forwarding pertinant info to me, she's been putting AH's mail all together for me. I went in to get it. Apparantly AH has not paid his bills (cell phone and 3 credit cards) in about 4-5 months and everything is being sent to collections. I am livid about everything. There is even a Cobra bill in there for life insurance. Of course because I didn't get the bill it's not been paid. So neither AH nor I have life insurance now! I will call Monday to try to get it reinstated. If you recall AH basically tried to OD a few weeks ago so if he would have succeeded, the kids and I got NOTHING. The policy is/was for about $300k.
He is also late on a rental property and I got a letter (from MIL) that if it's not paid up by the end of the month it will go into foreclosure (his name is on the loan, but there is $3k owed and it appraises for $50k). He's been taking the rent and using it for drugs for the last 5 months.
I am doing my best to DETACH from MIL because I am livid that she knew all of this and didn't say a word. I am livid that she gave him $ every day for drugs, rather than do something about his bills. I thought AH had been paying his bills all along at least somewhat with the $ he got from unemployment. I of course am going to handle the Cobra stuff. AH called today and I told him of the sitch. He just says I'm sorry Callie, I was f'ed up - I don't even know what was going on with my finances. I said what do you want me to do with your bills? One minute he says just forget it, do nothing. The next minute he says I cannot handle this right now (15 days into a rehab).
I know you'll all jump to the defense of MIL. I KNOW it's AH's business, his fault etc. but I just can't forgive her right now. She tries to call me every day sobbing "I miss him, is he ok? Is he doing alright? At least here I could keep an eye on him." YES, YOU KEPT AN da$n fine EYE ON HIM AND GAVE HIM $ DAILY FOR DRUGS! I do not answer the phone for the most part when it's her as it drives me through the roof.
What is the BEST non codie way to handle this? Do I forward all of HIS bills to him in the rehab and take care of the ones that I am on? What exactly happens if someone just doesn't pay their bills (credit cards, cell phones).
It's all messed up because I am on the name of the rental property that MIL lives in. She's been late every month for about 4 months and now doesn't have enough to make the tax payments because she's been giving him $ for drugs. THIS EFFECTS MY credit!
Yes, I am in contact with lawyers, but back to AH's stuff - send it to him whether he can handle it or not.
Alright Anvil, Freedom, Cynical one - shoot me down.
You've gotta give me credit though, I did have 2 fairly uneventful days. I just hate this and HATE that he can take me down financially with him. If he'd have succeeded in OD'ing I would have been screwed. Let me say again I KNOW that it's AH's fault, but he was arrested for wacking a bag of lays potato chips in Walmart trying to "open" them. MIL KNEW he was this bad. He was blitzed during the last several months, she was not. She still in her right mind gave him $ and didn't let ANYONE know how bad he was. I am in NO WAY letting AH off of the hook here - I blame him 100% for failing his family, but she helped him do it.
Last edited by Callie; 02-07-2009 at 01:20 PM.
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Callie, It's always something isn't it. Stay on track, don't answer the phone calls from MIL, it just upsets you. As for the bills, I'm sure others will have plenty to say, IMO, take care of those with your name on them and forget the rest.
Hugs,
Chris
Hugs,
Chris
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Callie. It's the weekend, no decisions have to made right now, Monday - like the insurance. IMO to find out what you have to take care of because it effects YOU (and legally) - ask your attorney Monday. Then proceed with what is (not what you wish, hope or want it to be). If it would help you feel like you've "done" something, send an email or fax over the weekend detailing to your attorney what you have found, and ask how to proceed.
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Don't let him say that he didn't know it was going on because he was f'ed up. My daughter did heroin but she knew that she had bills that were owed. It is just that they don't care about bills, they don't care about relationships, they only care about where they will get the dope. Detach from his bills except for the ones that you need to pay for yourself and your kids. I know that it hurt me each time my daughter had another bill go into collections because it just meant that her disease was progressing. But she is clean now and has paid back half of the $8k she owed. In fact this weekend she has made more than $400 waitressing because we have a festival in town. She worked 12 hours last night and went back in with only 3 hours of sleep and is working 18 hours today. Something she never could do while using. So it can be done, they can get clean and clean up their messes. Hugs, Marle
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Marle - what exactly does collections do? Do they just effect credit or can he be sent to jail or something like that?? With the rentals, they will be figured in a divorce. I certainly don't want a $50k property being lost due to a $600 debt.
BTW - kudos to your dd. I was a waitress for about 9 years through the latter part of HS and all through college and a year beyond. It's hard work and you have to deal with alot of jerky customers. Good money, but hard work!
BTW - kudos to your dd. I was a waitress for about 9 years through the latter part of HS and all through college and a year beyond. It's hard work and you have to deal with alot of jerky customers. Good money, but hard work!
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No, collections does not mean jail. It will stay on his credit record for 7 years and that is the amount of time that they have to collect from him. They can take him to court and some credit card companies will do that, but he will only need to pay what he can afford. The problem with the credit cards is that they continue to charge late fees and interest even when they go to collections. My daughter's one credit card was $1000 when she quit paying, two years later it is over $2000. She is going to contact the collections place this week and see if she can negotiate a settlement. Her other card agreed to 60% and she has one payment left and then that is paid off. So, no your ex won't go to jail for credit cards, it will just ruin his credit, which is not a bad thing because it keeps him from being able to get more credit cards that can be used to buy drugs. So there is an up side to that
Hugs, Marle
Hugs, Marle
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Callie as stated, it is the weekend and you cannot do anything before Monday.
On Monday, I would suggest, you get the bills in order and talk to an attorney. Not knowing what state you are in can make a difference on credit card bills, whether you too will be listed in the collection (even if your name is not on the card) or not. Will depend on if you are in a community property state or not.
Attorney can tell you how to and what to do immediately, like with the rental, etc. Again, depending on the state and county, some county's cannot even go for a lien until the taxes are past due a year or more (my county is that way). Maybe, tell MIL you are handling the rental(s) and her rent payment, on time, needs to come directly to you.
A lot of ways to go here, and legal advice would be good.
Now............................................... ......BREATHE. Take a break, go do something nice for you,.............................................. .....a relaxing bubble bath before bed, etc. just something NICE.
I understand your anger and disappointment with the MIL, but remember, she is a 'classic' codie and HIS MOTHER. lol (yes, said sarcastically) .
Many of us have been through similiar. I can tell you that while married to my second husband, the sober alcoholic, turned addicted gambler, that he could never seem to get around to filing his taxes. So, I always filed mine as "married, filing separately." Yes I paid a bit more, but I filed.
Years later, long after our divorce, the State of California and IRS came after me for HIS TAXES. Had to get an attorney who fought them year by year for the years of '82, '83, '84, '85, '86 and '87. But ........................................in the end I won and actually got some money back from Uncle Sam. Not a penny from California, of course.
So, One Step At A Time. Give yourself a break for today and tomorrow. Monday, you can call Cobra and then get with an attorney to help you sort all this mess out. Then you will KNOW what you really have to worry about and what is TOTALLY HIS and HIS ALONE.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
On Monday, I would suggest, you get the bills in order and talk to an attorney. Not knowing what state you are in can make a difference on credit card bills, whether you too will be listed in the collection (even if your name is not on the card) or not. Will depend on if you are in a community property state or not.
Attorney can tell you how to and what to do immediately, like with the rental, etc. Again, depending on the state and county, some county's cannot even go for a lien until the taxes are past due a year or more (my county is that way). Maybe, tell MIL you are handling the rental(s) and her rent payment, on time, needs to come directly to you.
A lot of ways to go here, and legal advice would be good.
Now............................................... ......BREATHE. Take a break, go do something nice for you,.............................................. .....a relaxing bubble bath before bed, etc. just something NICE.
I understand your anger and disappointment with the MIL, but remember, she is a 'classic' codie and HIS MOTHER. lol (yes, said sarcastically) .
Many of us have been through similiar. I can tell you that while married to my second husband, the sober alcoholic, turned addicted gambler, that he could never seem to get around to filing his taxes. So, I always filed mine as "married, filing separately." Yes I paid a bit more, but I filed.
Years later, long after our divorce, the State of California and IRS came after me for HIS TAXES. Had to get an attorney who fought them year by year for the years of '82, '83, '84, '85, '86 and '87. But ........................................in the end I won and actually got some money back from Uncle Sam. Not a penny from California, of course.
So, One Step At A Time. Give yourself a break for today and tomorrow. Monday, you can call Cobra and then get with an attorney to help you sort all this mess out. Then you will KNOW what you really have to worry about and what is TOTALLY HIS and HIS ALONE.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Callie, I am pretty proud of my daughter but the thing that I have learned through all of this is that she is not helpless, that she can be clean, that she can do the next right thing. That is why it is so important for you to stand strong against your husband and not let him cry on your shoulder or try to blame someone else for his problems. I spent quite a bit of time hating my daughter's ex-abf. The first time she met him (he lived downstairs from her), he knew she was fresh out of rehab and he came up to her apartment with a hand full of pills because he didn't want them and thought she might be interested. She was 19 years old and he was 35 and had been an addict most of his life. She was not the first girl that he supplied drugs to and I hated his guts. Felt that if it were not for him she would not have gone so far down. But when she wanted to get clean, she walked away from that man and his drugs. She also told me that no one can make you do drugs if you don't want to do them. My daughter's abf was just as sick as she was, if not more so. Your husband's mom is sick. What I found helped me to let go of the anger (and believe me some days it consumed me) was to pray for my daughter and her abf. Don't let the anger consume you Callie. You are worth so much more than that. Find a way to process it and then let it go. Hugs, Marle
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I'm sorry you are dealing with all this. Like the others said you need legal advice to protect your and your kids' current and future interests/assets in ths mess. Please protect yourself. As is said around here, "Let go or be dragged."
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Callie sometimes credit companies will work with one who becomes ill, and out of work. But in your AH situation, I really don't know. Get to a lawyer quickly and get something done to protect what assets you do have. As far as MIL, I would give her an eviction notice if possible. 4 months behind on rent is ridiculous. She is and has contributed to many problems. The recovering codie in me says "evict her."
NH7
NH7
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Callie, just my two cents but banks and credit companies are a bit more flexible in today's market about working with people. They are all holding so much bad debt that they really dont want anymore so if they can work it out they do.
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Callie,
I don't have anything to add because the others have given great advice..
I just wanted to give you a big cyber hug and let you know that you are in my prayers today :ghug3
I don't have anything to add because the others have given great advice..
I just wanted to give you a big cyber hug and let you know that you are in my prayers today :ghug3
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(((Callie)))
I'm sorry you're going through all this, but as everyone says, there is nothing you can do about it TODAY, so take a break.
I have several accounts that are in collections. One, that was for $7,000 went to court (while I was still out using) and they won, and I worked out a payment plan for $100/month with them. Another, I pay $50/month. There are others, I have settled on (for about 50%), still others I haven't even dealt with as I don't have the money and they haven't pressured me. These accounts are 4-5 years old.
I understand your anger at MIL, but I hope, at some point, you can forgive her for YOUR sake. It's pretty pointless to be angry at someone who, honestly, doesn't know better and doesn't understand that what they are doing is only hurting everyone around them.
Remember how you were, when you came here. I, for one, got a little frustrated that you couldn't see past helping him, to realize that you and your kids were who you needed to focus on. You got that point in your own time. Now that you're AT that point, you're angry at MIL because she's back where you were, only worse, and it is affecting you and the kids.
His addiction started this whole mess. There were things you could have done different. There were a LOT of things his mom could have done different. Point is, what's done is done. Talk to your lawyer, do what you can do, and make sure something ELSE doesn't come up to bite you in the a$$ further on down the road.
It sucks, having to deal with all this, but you do. You made the choice to let him handle the COBRA stuff and he didn't handle it. He lied and he spent the money on drugs...he's an addict.
Sending you BIG hugs and prayers, and I'm hoping you can get this all worked out.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry you're going through all this, but as everyone says, there is nothing you can do about it TODAY, so take a break.
I have several accounts that are in collections. One, that was for $7,000 went to court (while I was still out using) and they won, and I worked out a payment plan for $100/month with them. Another, I pay $50/month. There are others, I have settled on (for about 50%), still others I haven't even dealt with as I don't have the money and they haven't pressured me. These accounts are 4-5 years old.
I understand your anger at MIL, but I hope, at some point, you can forgive her for YOUR sake. It's pretty pointless to be angry at someone who, honestly, doesn't know better and doesn't understand that what they are doing is only hurting everyone around them.
Remember how you were, when you came here. I, for one, got a little frustrated that you couldn't see past helping him, to realize that you and your kids were who you needed to focus on. You got that point in your own time. Now that you're AT that point, you're angry at MIL because she's back where you were, only worse, and it is affecting you and the kids.
His addiction started this whole mess. There were things you could have done different. There were a LOT of things his mom could have done different. Point is, what's done is done. Talk to your lawyer, do what you can do, and make sure something ELSE doesn't come up to bite you in the a$$ further on down the road.
It sucks, having to deal with all this, but you do. You made the choice to let him handle the COBRA stuff and he didn't handle it. He lied and he spent the money on drugs...he's an addict.
Sending you BIG hugs and prayers, and I'm hoping you can get this all worked out.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thank you guys, the kids and I spent the entire day with my parents. Church, then grandpa's, then a birthday party and then out to eat. Yes, I do need to limit contact with MIL, yes, I do stop her when she calls whining and wanting me to feel sorry for her. He's been gone about 2 weeks and has only called her 1x for unemployment info. I think she's "hurt" because of this, so she calls me to see if I've talked with him.
I spoke with FIL today (in another state). He's livid about her as well. I'm grateful that he's stepped in to help with AH. Thus far he's left it on my plate. He won't put up with AH's crap and AH respects his dad, not his mom.
As far as the rentals, I'm kind of screwed because I have my name on the loan with AH. He's ruined his credit over the last 10 months so he's not going to be able to refinance and get it in his name only. Most likely it will have to sell, which leaves her homeless.
As far as letting the forclosure stuff go, I cannot because I am entitled to 1/2 the equity in the home even though it's his name on it only. I will hopefully find out about Cobra tomorrow. For those of you who said to seek other insurance. I cannot do that right now because DS just had an eye surgery in Dec. and they've denied coverage on him beause of a preexisting condition. After March he should be fine though and we can get insurance elsewhere.
I got all of this info yesterday and told AH of it. He really is very weak right now, emotionally, physically etc. He told me 100x he's sorry, but that doesn't fix the mess. I'm going to forward all of HIS paperwork to him and let him make contact RE: the collections. I'll handle the Cobra stuff myself.
I spoke with FIL today (in another state). He's livid about her as well. I'm grateful that he's stepped in to help with AH. Thus far he's left it on my plate. He won't put up with AH's crap and AH respects his dad, not his mom.
As far as the rentals, I'm kind of screwed because I have my name on the loan with AH. He's ruined his credit over the last 10 months so he's not going to be able to refinance and get it in his name only. Most likely it will have to sell, which leaves her homeless.
As far as letting the forclosure stuff go, I cannot because I am entitled to 1/2 the equity in the home even though it's his name on it only. I will hopefully find out about Cobra tomorrow. For those of you who said to seek other insurance. I cannot do that right now because DS just had an eye surgery in Dec. and they've denied coverage on him beause of a preexisting condition. After March he should be fine though and we can get insurance elsewhere.
I got all of this info yesterday and told AH of it. He really is very weak right now, emotionally, physically etc. He told me 100x he's sorry, but that doesn't fix the mess. I'm going to forward all of HIS paperwork to him and let him make contact RE: the collections. I'll handle the Cobra stuff myself.
Last edited by Callie; 02-08-2009 at 05:17 PM.
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As far as MIL - I do love her. I can forgive her @ some point, but all of the info I've gotten within the last week - it's just too fresh. I'm not ready to forgive her. Right or wrong, I cannot let go of that anger. She did the biggest disservice to her son that any parent could have done and she enabled the continuation of his disease. I KNOW he had the reigns on that one, but she was his sidekick.
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We own two rentals. One has HIS name only on it - this is the one that's about to go to foreclosure. He's been getting the rent and NOT making payments on it. BUT I am entitled to 1/2 of the equity in it because I can prove in court that I helped manage the property. So financially I cannot let this go into foreclosure.
The other rental we BOTH own. This is the one that MIL is in. She has her payments caught up but has been late every month for the last 6 months. We've owned this property for about 10 years and bought it because MIL couldn't get financing. She basically just makes the payment and pays taxes/insurance. We get to deduct it on taxes. I did call the bank about her being late and they said as long as it's made within the month even though it is late it won't touch my credit until it's a few months behind.
Is that as clear as mud now? Yes, I am dealing with ALOT right now. Financially, emotionally, physically etc. I still do not know about insurance and have tried calling AH all day to see what he's found out. I am completely a nervous wreck today. If insurance is terminated, AH will have to leave rehab and possibly my DS's surgery this past December won't be covered. I do have appts lined up this week for legal advice and how to proceed.
On top of that MIL had SIL call me last night. If you recall MIL and I got into it yet again when I found out about the foreclosure over the weekend. I had went in to pick up his mail that she opened and saw a nice letter to AH from the bank president (whom I KNOW personally and could crawl under a rock right now) stating the foreclosure. She KNEW he was this far behind because she was opening his mail. Of course I was not told about this. I basically told SIL (who does have more sense than MIL) that I needed MIL to leave me alone right now. MIL is upset because AH only has called her 1x since he left. She's upset because AH's counselor said that he could see that MIL could be "the biggest hinderence in his recovery." She's sobbing around because she "misses him". "He's ok isn't he, he's alright isn't he? At least here I knew he was ok because he was under my roof." MIL is upset because AH calls his dad or myself and not her. She calls everyone wanting them to feel sorry for "poor MIL." I told SIL that I cannot handle this from her. The sound of her voice makes my blood boil right now. I will avoid her like the plague from here on out because I cannot mentally afford to do anything but that right now. I am seething over this and KNOW for my sanity that I HAVE to detach. I also KNOW that I need to find a way to channel this anger towards her- it is truely eating me alive. I told SIL that I do love MIL and that in the future I had hoped that we could sit down and work things out, but right now I need to be left alone.
The other rental we BOTH own. This is the one that MIL is in. She has her payments caught up but has been late every month for the last 6 months. We've owned this property for about 10 years and bought it because MIL couldn't get financing. She basically just makes the payment and pays taxes/insurance. We get to deduct it on taxes. I did call the bank about her being late and they said as long as it's made within the month even though it is late it won't touch my credit until it's a few months behind.
Is that as clear as mud now?
Yes, I am dealing with ALOT right now. Financially, emotionally, physically etc. I still do not know about insurance and have tried calling AH all day to see what he's found out. I am completely a nervous wreck today. If insurance is terminated, AH will have to leave rehab and possibly my DS's surgery this past December won't be covered. I do have appts lined up this week for legal advice and how to proceed.On top of that MIL had SIL call me last night. If you recall MIL and I got into it yet again when I found out about the foreclosure over the weekend. I had went in to pick up his mail that she opened and saw a nice letter to AH from the bank president (whom I KNOW personally and could crawl under a rock right now) stating the foreclosure. She KNEW he was this far behind because she was opening his mail. Of course I was not told about this. I basically told SIL (who does have more sense than MIL) that I needed MIL to leave me alone right now. MIL is upset because AH only has called her 1x since he left. She's upset because AH's counselor said that he could see that MIL could be "the biggest hinderence in his recovery." She's sobbing around because she "misses him". "He's ok isn't he, he's alright isn't he? At least here I knew he was ok because he was under my roof." MIL is upset because AH calls his dad or myself and not her. She calls everyone wanting them to feel sorry for "poor MIL." I told SIL that I cannot handle this from her. The sound of her voice makes my blood boil right now. I will avoid her like the plague from here on out because I cannot mentally afford to do anything but that right now. I am seething over this and KNOW for my sanity that I HAVE to detach. I also KNOW that I need to find a way to channel this anger towards her- it is truely eating me alive. I told SIL that I do love MIL and that in the future I had hoped that we could sit down and work things out, but right now I need to be left alone.
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Would it help any to look at your MIL as being mentally unbalanced? Given everything going on, is it possible she always has been and will be? Are you willing to let go of any expectations you've had with her?
With your rental properties, unless you have the money to cover it, you have a couple of choices but they aren't easy. Unless you personally invested money in the first one, the only thing you're out is time. I'd suggest selling but it isn't yours to sell.
The second one you could sell or auction off for the rock bottom price of the loan amount, unless the bank forbids that. You'd make no money and essentially lose money, but it's quick and you'd save your credit.
With your rental properties, unless you have the money to cover it, you have a couple of choices but they aren't easy. Unless you personally invested money in the first one, the only thing you're out is time. I'd suggest selling but it isn't yours to sell.
The second one you could sell or auction off for the rock bottom price of the loan amount, unless the bank forbids that. You'd make no money and essentially lose money, but it's quick and you'd save your credit.
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Yep, you're right AH - I didn't have to take the call or engage with SIL - but she's been honest and had my back all along. She's told me the truth about what MIL has seen and not told me about. If it weren't for her I wouldn't know 1/2 as much as I did. From here on out contact will be minimal and brief with her. MIL - I'm avoiding right now.
As far as the other financial mess, I am will do what needs to be done to protect first and foremost myself and my kids.
As far as the other financial mess, I am will do what needs to be done to protect first and foremost myself and my kids.
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