adivise on dealing with son in rehab

Old 02-06-2009, 07:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
adivise on dealing with son in rehab

Our son has been in rehab for 2 weeks. He is allowed to email only right now. The emails he is sending mostly center around trying to get us to have him placed on a 6 week program rather than 90 days. I have been told this program is only offered in certain situations such as relapse, which is not his case. I don't think 6 weeks is enough and it is not something I am even going to consider. I think he is spending more time trying to find an easy way out rather than working on the things he needs to work on. I know I am rambling but my question is how long into a program before they start taking it seriously and putting effort into it. Am I asking for to much to soon or do I really need to be concerned?
dorton is offline  
Old 02-06-2009, 07:50 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
MyJoey's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584

When my son first went to rehab, he was kicked out the second week for smoking he didn't get it at all. I think a good program is anywhere from 6-12 that is just from what I have heard. Don't let him suck you in, you are already on to him and what he is trying to do.....get out. How old is your son and is he there by court order or your order? Just wondering.
MyJoey is offline  
Old 02-06-2009, 07:53 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
Freedom1990's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I think you not even considering what he's wanting is excellent.

Stick to your guns.

He's still wet behind the ears at 2 weeks in rehab. He's probably starting to experience a fair amount of discomfort with his emotions now, and like you said, is looking for an easy way out.

:ghug :ghug
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 02-06-2009, 07:57 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
He is doing what we call "quacking"
I am surprised they even let him email. My son wasn't allowed to call home for many weeks.
Right now his addiction is still in charge of his thinking and acting.
At this point he is just counting his days.

My son is in his 11th mo. at a rehab. He was still very sick at 3 mos. He tells that he didn't really want sobriety nor did he take it seriously until mo. six.

In my opinion, There is no need to reply to his emails. Or simply respond with a
"I love you, keep up the good work." No need to debate...there is no debate.
No need talk to him about his recovery; leave that to
to the staff and 12 step program at this point.

Take this time to focus on yourself...find serenity and put fear and doubt to bed for now.
Have you begun working the 12 steps yourself through the al-anon program? It produced miracles in my life.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 12:02 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
All the research seems to say, "the longer in treament the better". That said, there are no gaurantees. Understand that you can spend all the money you have on an addict's treatment and they can walk out anytime, or they can complete the program and Use the day they get out. Or not. no guarantees.
sleepygoat is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 03:48 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
marle's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
The first time my daughter went to rehab, she basically said that she did not need to be there. She still had everything in her life, a car, college, a job, her family, etc. Still looked like that beautiful middle class kid that she was brought up to be. The second time she went to rehab voluntarily she no longer had any of those things and looked like she was living on the streets. She got it the second time because she really wanted it. I saw a difference in her. She had the willingness to get better. She still had and has some of the addict behavior. The biggest one in her is wanting instant gratification. But today she recognizes that in herself and is trying to change. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 05:50 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,315
My daughter has been to rehab 3 x's. The first 30 days. The second 16 days (because she broke her ankle & her H didn't want her in rehab) she went right out & used...first the pain pills then onto her DOC. This last time was because she felt she had reached her bottom, she was there only 13 days because that is all her ins would pay for. Today she has 60+ days clean & sober, has a sponsor, is working her program. I have hope, but it is "her" recovery. My daughter was only allowed a 10m phone call once a week. (in all of the rehab)

I agree your son seems to be looking for a way out. Stick to your beliefs, don't fall for the quacking.

Serenity Bound is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 05:59 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
winnie12's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
been there myself. they just want to get out as soon as possible - usually either becuase they deny they have a problem/extent of the problem or because they arent ready to change. My son has always pushed for outpatient but I was lucky because the court ordered at least 6 months residential and it took the pressure off of me - they just felt he wasnt going to get it with anything less. my son constantly asks me about other places - i always keep it vague and just say "we'll see where you get in." I looked at other programs because he asked me to (and i felt that was fair to at least look at them) but never sent in applications or pushed for them. Then when the decision is made I just say - this is where you're going - the other options arent going to work out. Flat out no without explanations - explanations and justifications just get me back into the position where he can manipulate me.
winnie12 is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 06:41 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Attitude of Gratitude
serenityqueen's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I'm going to respond to this from the other side of the coin. I was the one in treatment and believe me, if he's saying he wants to get into a shorter program, he probably needs an even longer one.

I'd also like to know how old he is and if he was court ordered. I first put myself into treatment when I was 18 because I was tired of the pain and misery of using, but I just wasn't ready to give up that way of life. Every single person I hung with used. And those who didn't, I considered geeks or losers. (Funny how I thought people who got good grades, didn't get high and were responsible were losers) The reason I'm sharing this is that it was scarier than hell thinking that not only do I have to give up the only way I knew to handle life, getting high, I had to find a whole new group of friends. From what I am gathering from your post is that your son is a minor, correct me if I'm wrong. Being a teenager is an emotional rollercoaster to begin with but when drugs/alcohol then dependency on them and consequences arise, it's overwhelming as hell!

I think the best thing to do is to let him know that under no uncertain terms is it even an option to go into a shorter stay. Let him know that not only is it not an option from the standpoint of the facility he is in, but also that you will not agree to it. If, and he will, he goes on and on about it, just keep telling him the decision is final, it's not open for discussion. Be prepared for him to more than likely tell you how horrible they are treating him, that he is being picked on, that he learned his lesson, he misses you . . . Us addicts/alcoholics are very good at grabbing the heart strings of those who love us, especially parents.

Finally, I hate to have to say this, but by having him complete any Program is no guarantee that he will not go back out and use when he comes home. An addict/alcoholic has got to want this more than anything else in the world and be willing to do the work and make the necessary changes in order to stay clean and sober.

Please feel free to PM me anytime you need to vent or have any questions. It took me many, many years and half a$$ attempts at "getting this Recovery thing" before it finally sunk in with me. By the Grace of God and surrendering, I have three and a half years in Recovery. I'm here if you need me and I do mean that.

God Bless,
serenityqueen is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 09:03 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I got an eamil this morning saying he hadn't been taking his meds but had bee checking them and that in the middle of the night tried to get into the meds cabinet where they keep otc meds. He lost email use and is on clean up duty around the center. I repleid that they needed to tell him that under no circumstances would I come and get him or allow his girlfriend to go get him. WHY?????????????????????
dorton is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 09:09 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
outtolunch's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by dorton View Post

I know I am rambling but my question is how long into a program before they start taking it seriously and putting effort into it.
Some go through the motions and never surrender, to any program.

Some bolt out the door, when given a chance.

Some pull a stunt and get thrown out of a program.

And some get it, in time.

Recovery programs work, when one works the program.

It's up to your son to decide which course of action he will take.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 10:05 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Southern through and through
Hangin' In's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Recovery is so VERY SLOW!

I'd have as little contact with him as possible, let the staff tend to him and see what their recommendations are. I know my AD would try to manipulate me when she could call, and I would become weak in the knees and want to give into her when I knew that wouldn't be best. But my heart would want to get the best of me.

I'd recommend that you concentrate on working on your recovery while he's in rehab. That is THE BEST thing you can be doing right now. If you can, find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area and attend some meetings. The best thing I ever did was add Al Anon meetings to my life. They have helped me so much and my AD is so glad I, too, learned about recovery (and am still learning) for myself.

Hangin' In
Hangin' In is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 10:20 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
He called me and asked me to come and get him (a 13 hour drive) I told him no and that if he left and somehow made it back here he would have no place to stay. A staff member called a few minutes later and said he had looked at them and said what do I have to do (they had told him he had to do chores because of his stunt the night before and he had refused) I spoke with a staff member this evening and she said he was surprised that we would not go get him. I know his mind is not rational but did he really think we would???????????? It broke my heart to say those words to him but I felt I had no choice. Do a lot of people try to screw up rehab to get kicked out> I just wish I understood.
dorton is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 10:30 PM
  # 14 (permalink) :-)
geekorunique's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 168
Blog Entries: 2
Dorton I really think that you are doing the right thing. He needs to deal with his illness or his illness will deal with him. In rehab the best thing that he could really do is embrace it.

I will say a prayer for him because right now I think that's all anyone can do. He needs to want this and it needs to hurt enough for him. Maybe now just isn't his time but I really hope that it is.

On a positive note my close friend in the fellowship had been in several treatment centres and was determined to drink herself to death. She celebrated one years continuous sobriety on Thursday of this week. There are no hopeless cases I really do believe that. She was told it was treatment centre or death and she said she didn't think she had any choice but to die. Just like something changed in her I hope that something changes in your son.

God Bless - your son is so lucky to have you and he's lucky that you still care xxx
geekorunique is offline  
Old 02-07-2009, 10:31 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
YES. My son got kicked out of his current rehab after two and a half mos.
for breaking many rules. That phase was a ranch many miles down a dirt road literally in the middle of nowhere. He figured by getting kicked out it would be a ride to a city.

Which is was. They drove him an hour to Phoenix and dropped him at a homeless shelter.
He called and I wished him luck and told him I hoped he'd do the right thing.
The shelter had no beds available so he slept in their parking lot.

The next day he called the rehab and begged to come back. They agreed and he's been there 9 mos. since then. One of the reasons he went back I suppose is because life
on the streets didn't look so good.

Stay the course Dorton... well done.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 02-08-2009, 08:20 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
mooselips's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
My youngest made it through 6 weeks of rehab, then left after 1 week of being in a halfway house, and went back to using and living from "friend" to "friend" He was not welcome back home.

My son finally became sober, and seemed to "get it" after a 6 month lock down court ordered Rehab.

You're doing a good job, expect every excuse in the world and you'll be ahead of his thinking.
mooselips is offline  
Old 02-08-2009, 11:01 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
outtolunch's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My daughter insisted I come rescue her at three different rehabs. I did the first time. I had to the second time because the rehab decided she needed more help than they were able to provide. And then the routine started all over at the third rehab. That's when I stopped answering the phone and let go. She stayed. Funny how it worked out.

Bolting from rehab is very common because so many would rather be anywhere else than where they are.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 02-08-2009, 12:02 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
Impurrfect's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,177

I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie. I think you are doing GREAT!

Yes, an A (addict) will try to get thrown out of rehab, and yes, they will expect you to come get them. He hasn't accepted that his addiction has gotten him to where he is, yet. That takes time. He's still thinking he isn't that bad, yet; that he has it "under control".

It is only when I had to face the consequences of my using, that I chose recovery. You are helping him to face those consequences, as is the rehab. We are like little kids..."I don't like this, I wanna go home". It's only when we learn that "home" isn't an option and doing what we WANT isn't an option, that we start to face up to what our addiction has done...and, even then, it still takes time.

Keep doing what you're doing, and let him find out the BAD side of addiction (the consequences).

Hugs and prayers!

Impurrfect is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:00 PM.