Are there any happy endings with an AH?
 

[FONT="Tahoma"]Hi, this is my first post but I have been lurking a couple months. I have 2 adorable young children with my ABF. He has been on pills/methadone/not-quite-clean for our entire relationship but I was naive at first (NO experience with drugs) and had no clue. We were living together but it got too bad and I told him he had to leave. He seems to be making some progress getting clean and owning responsibility for his actions. He says he plans on entering a short-term detox/rehab but he seems to think he won't need any other help - just needs his family around. I still love him but don't know if I am brave/foolish enough to take the chance of going through that again, especially since I became a master enabler. My children need their father, but they don't to be exposed to that lifestyle.
Any advice or experiences where this actually worked??[/FONT]:praying

back to me

are there any happy endings???? well yeah there are some but it takes ALOT of work on both parts...the addict and the enabler


Your right your kids dont need that lifestyle and that part is up to you........

are you doing anything to help work on yourself? Meetings? reading?

the addict is going to do what they are going to do but we can control one thing and thats ourself.........how we react and respond to things...........

glad you decided to post please stick aropund there will be others along with more support.

Welcome, BackToMe.

I can't be of much help, as I haven't been in your situation. I'm the mom of a son with addiction issues. There's a lot of people here that can relate though, and I'm sure they'll be along shortly. In the meantime, keep reading here- you'll learn lots!

It's a rough road hon, that much I do know. You'll be in my prayers.

:praying

BackToMe

I have seen some happy ending with some people in my Alanon group but I have also seen some very long drawn out sad endings (endings that should have happend a long time ago)

Like liesagain stated it takes a lot of work on both parts.. The addict and the SO must work their own program and the changes will not happen overnight or even in the first year..

Sometimes the happy ending is when the SO leaves the addict because he/she has changed so much on their part and is strong enough to be able to let go and does not want or need the addict in their life anymore..

They tell us in Alanon not to make any major or drastic decisions for at least 6 months unless our lives are in danger..

Take the time that you are seperated from your ABF to work on you.. Go to some meetings, do a lot of reading and keep posting on SR.. When the time comes for you to make that decision you will know what is best for you and your kids.

My xabf (my son's father) was/is a heroine addict. There are happy endings. I think it just depends on what your idea of a happy ending is. And realizing that with addiction, there never really is an "end." They're always going to be addicts. Today, my son's father and I are basically very, very good friends. But, that's literally years upon years later. And, the struggle that it took (the both of us) to get to this point almost broke me completely. Today, he's sober. But, he recently relapsed. And even though it had been years since his last relapse, I had to remember that nothing had changed. That I needed to keep myself and my role in the friendship in check and revisit all those lessons I had learned. Alot of it all, for me, was giving up on the dream that I had created in my own mind. Coming to realize that he wasn't going to some day just morph into the person I wanted him to be. He wasn't going to go back to how he was before he started using when we were together. That, as much as his addiction had changed me, it has also changed him. And, there was a healing process and a grieving process that I needed to go through before I could ever be at peace with myself, much less anyone else.

If I have any advice, I'd say, live in the present. Don't worry about the future. Take care of yourself. Work on your own recovery. And in time, there may be a happy place in your life, but you need to find your own happiness and not let it depend on someone else's actions.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the responses. I have been reading a lot on SR; it has been helpful and comforting yet not very encouraging - many seem to end in relapse/divorce. That scares me, emotionally and financially.

I have read Codependent No More and basically what it did was just confirm everything I've been saying about myself in recent months. I have always avoided conflict/been a people pleaser/had trouble meaning what I say but I don't really see anything about my childhood that would've made me that way.

While I know this isn't possible, I like to KNOW that it will work; I don't know if I've got it in me to risk again and he is looking for almost immediate reassurances. I can make it on my own but my kids love their daddy and I think of the what ifs and this isn't healthy either.

I am looking into meetings but there doesn't seem to be much in my area unless I travel about 2 hours from home.

I come here for somewhere to talk it out with people that aren't too closely involved. Maybe I just need one of these -- :buttkick:

Hi Back to me -- I'm glad you found SR!

While I know this isn't possible, I like to KNOW that it will work; I don't know if I've got it in me to risk again and he is looking for almost immediate reassurances. I can make it on my own but my kids love their daddy and I think of the what ifs and this isn't healthy either."

We can no more KNOW that it will work than we can KNOW when we will die......there are no guarantees in life and especially in a life involving addiction. You also mentioned that he is looking for almost immediate reassurances -- of course he is -- that's what addicts want -- immediate gratification.

My kids love their dad too but it is starting to make them sick as well (they are older, 16&18). I can see some codependent behaviour starting in them -- I've taught them well!! Now that I have decided to end my marriage, I hope that they can continue to have a relationship with him that will be healthier for them -- I hope they will be able to detach with love -- it will be different but they won't have to live in the chaos every day.

I too have trouble finding meetings in my home town because I work in the field and often find clients in the meetings -- the next town is about an hour away. I found meetings on line at stepchat.com. They run like an alanon meeting and I found them helpful.

There may not always be happy endings, but in some cases theres happiness weeks, months and years.
You have to decide what is too much and eb willing to stick to that boundary, and let yourself be happy rather than worry about the unknown.
There is never a guarantee with an addict or without.
I do know couples who are addicts and have been clean and happy many years, I know some that had to walk away, but ahve no regrets and are ahppy where they are at today.
I know, Ive been married the last 5 years to a crack addict and alcoholic, the last year has been the least eventful and dramatic than other years, and the last few months have shown the most growth and positive in us both. Last night we discussed we are both the happiest we've been in the marriage and with ourselves.
Tomorrow could bring something different, but today Im enjoying today.

I know my children have been effected, but the sweetest moment was the other day when oldest son acting up behaviorally, AH lecturing and assigning restrictions, son throwing Ah known mistakes in his face, and AH sitting down honestly and telling him about his mistakes, the feelings, the sadness, the remorse and how he's now changing his life. They then made a pact to be better people together and apart and both work very hard at it.