k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

by the difference between "detachment" and "denial."

For example:
my MIL-to-be says that she is not an enabler to her AH. They have been married for almost 40 years. She admits that he is an alcoholic and that she doesn't like his drinking. She admits that he doesn't realize he has a problem and that he needs to get his drinking under control. She says that she didn't realize how much he drank until after they were already married. She chooses to "honor" her marriage vows and stay with him, despite his behavior. She usually does not include him in her plans, nor does she say anything to him about his drinking. She thinks of it as "I just don't worry about what he does, I just live my life and let him live his." Despite all of the pain that he has undoubtedly caused her and their practically loveless marriage, she continues to be a happy, successful, and productive member of society. She says that she has "always drawn most of her joy from her children." I have no doubt that she is the chief enabler to her children, or at least the one that I'm most directly involved with.

But I get a little fuzzy when it comes to her husband (my FIL-to-be). I don't understand whether she is being co-dependant or not with her behavior. I mean, she is happy for the most part and puts a lot of faith and trust in her HP, and she goes about with her life despite his behaviors, but she never says anything to him about his drinking. She just sits by and watches him get p***-drunk around his grandson, and in public, and often makes excuses for him to people who aren't part of the family, such as at church. Like "well, he's just been working so hard lately," or "he really wasn't feeling well today, he's had a terrible cold." She also lets him be somewhat emotionally abusive to her, at least when others are around; I don't know whether or not she defends herself when its just the two of them. I know (because she's told me, in trying to help me understand how to deal with her son's addiction) that she has used an outside relationship(affair) and shopping/spending money to make her feel better about her relationship with her husband.

I don't know whether to take what she says with a grain of salt or not. I'm kind of new to this whole "codependant-no-more" thing and, although I know that its not her fault that her husband has been in active addiction for more than 40 years with never an inkling of an idea that he might need some help, but I also know that I don't want their relationship.

winnie12

Honestly, would you tell everyone at church the truth? i told some people i trusted at my church about my son but not everyone. sometimes its easier on us to just say oh he's tired instead of going into a long drawn out discussion about how he he's drunk and then have to hear everyone's opinion about what i should and shouldnt do. it's kinda like when an aquaintance asks you how your doing and you say "great" even though things suck.

it just sounds to me like she made her choice. she decided that she could handle living with the addict and all that means. i can see having some concern for children being around him but as far as her being around him - if she doesnt mind then why do you?

outtolunch

From what you said , it sounds like she made the decision to stay and accept him as is. This is not the same thing as trying to control him and his drinking or feeling responsible or shortchanged because of it.

winnie12

After i responded i reread your post and noticed that you're engaged to her son who is an addict. you say you dont want their relationship... honey that's very likely the relationship you're about to marry into. his parents relationship is probably a very good indication of what your's could be like and what his upbringing teaches him to expect in his wife. you've heard the ole saying that a man marries a woman just like mom... what are your thoughts on that?

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

the reason I care is that we pull inspiration from the people around us who are in similar situations. The same way we ask for advice from people on here, and in recovery groups. I wonder whether it is a good idea for me to take her advice or not.

Serenity Bound

Winnie has a good point..............

UNHAPPY777

I have only been to 1 alanon meeting but, the message I did receive was that they don't tell you to leave your mate, or to stay with them. But, if you choose to stay make sure it's under your terms and circumstances. If you MIL is able to live happy with this man then what is the problem? I don't know if I would call it denial because it seems like shes living a good life for herself. She's happy with a good career. Seems like she's using the 3 C's approach. As far as the affair goes you have to question her faith in the HP. It seems as though they just really share a home, kids and a title. Her happiness and satisfaction maynot be your hapiness and satisfaction. I hope this helps a little

UNHAPPY777

Oh by the way get out while you can if your not willing to accept some of the same. Believe me it's coming.... This is what your mate knows and see's. Why would you even consider marring him under these circumstances?

cece1960

I sounds to me like she has the detachment thought out to where she is comfortable. Enabling is not the same (as I understand it) as not stopping someone. In fact, oddly enough its often quite the opposite.
I suppose you would have to ask yourself, if your husband isn't ready to stop, could you detach and remain in the relationship?
I learned in my first marraige just how much a child can learn from their parents. Things my first husband thought were "normal" blew me away.
He never did get it.

winnie12

That is an interesting and thoughtful take on the situation. Personally, I try to take advice by people who i look up to in a particular situation. In other words I take advice from a good mechanic on what my car needs but not necessarily how to raise my child. I would take advice from my mom on raising a child (because as we all know she did a great job lol) but not how to fix my car. If you dont like how your MIL's relationship is then i wouldnt take relationship advice from her but you may be able to gleem other knowledge from her that is helpful to you. When it comes to advice i always look up the chain of success to people that have succeeded in areas i'm trying to succeed and not down. We can work through problems together, like on here, but if someone is in a place you dont want to be and isnt going to change then i would be very hesitant about taking advice.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

well, even though I wonder about his mom and think she is somewhat crazy sometimes, I take some comfort in the knowledge that he takes after his mom moreso than his dad. ever since we've been together we've talked occasionally about thier relationship and he's mentioned more than once that he doesn't want to have a relationship like theirs. he has also, in the past, talked to his mom and tried to convince her that she shouldn't continue to put up with his crap. so even though it's what he grew up with, he definately seems to get it that it's not okay to treat your wife that way...
but, how can you know?

winnie12

you cant know - marriage is an act of faith in another person. i couldnt stand my father - overbearing and opinionated but i became just like him for a while. now i'm more like my mom but it took me a long time to get there and it wasnt easy - it took a lot of work.

is your bf in recovery or an active addict?

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

he's in recovery since oct. 08.
90+ days clean and currently working his 4th step. he says this is the longest time he's been clean since he started using and that he is amazed by how much better he feels and happier he is without the complication of drugs in his life.

winnie12

IMHO take it slow and dont get married until you have let go of the doubts about him and about what you are willing to live with in your marriage. this is more than then normal cold feet anyone would have when getting married - this is a glimpse into the life that you may have. You're actually very lucky to be allowed the chance to see this beforehand and make your decisions. Its great that he is in recovery and I hope that he sticks with it but when you're with an addict you never know. You have to be sure that if he relapses that its something you can handle and prepare yourself for how you will handle it. When it comes - it comes fast and hard so be prepared.