New here husband is in rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 25
New here husband is in rehab
I'm 26 years old I'm married and my husband is in rehab he has been sturggling with the disease of ADDICTION for our entire relationship. He is currently in rehab . I'm looking for support / any one else in my position? It feels very lonely at times . Like your spouse is doing there thing trying to get better and work on them and your just kind of there for them but also sitting on the sidelines ya know?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Hi August and welcome....
I can't say that I have had a spouse that went to rehab...but I can tell you I had a spouse with a problem with addiction when I was 26 years old. It's not easy road, but good for him that he is working to get himself well. Now as for you.... take care of you. Know that you are not alone. There are many of us who have walked the same road. Many of these wise people will be along to offer support soon. I might suggest you find a nar-anon or alanon meeting near you. Either one will do. You will find many loving and supportive people who can help you to work this through for you. Going this alone is not easy. IMO you need and deserve love and support as you work through this journey and determine what you want and what you need.
Keep coming back! Hugs!
I can't say that I have had a spouse that went to rehab...but I can tell you I had a spouse with a problem with addiction when I was 26 years old. It's not easy road, but good for him that he is working to get himself well. Now as for you.... take care of you. Know that you are not alone. There are many of us who have walked the same road. Many of these wise people will be along to offer support soon. I might suggest you find a nar-anon or alanon meeting near you. Either one will do. You will find many loving and supportive people who can help you to work this through for you. Going this alone is not easy. IMO you need and deserve love and support as you work through this journey and determine what you want and what you need.
Keep coming back! Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!!!
I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie (codependent), but there are many, many people here who can relate to your situation. Not everyone has a spouse who is the A (addict), or has been through the rehab, but everyone here loves someone who is an A.
I hope you will read through some posts..you will see that you are not alone. As suggested above, al-anon and nar-anon are a good place to get support for YOU, as addiction is a family disease..you can't help but have been affected by it.
Others will be along to welcome you, but I'm glad you're here!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie (codependent), but there are many, many people here who can relate to your situation. Not everyone has a spouse who is the A (addict), or has been through the rehab, but everyone here loves someone who is an A.
I hope you will read through some posts..you will see that you are not alone. As suggested above, al-anon and nar-anon are a good place to get support for YOU, as addiction is a family disease..you can't help but have been affected by it.
Others will be along to welcome you, but I'm glad you're here!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. my son is my addict but i watched my d.i.l. go thru the things you are going thur. today he is serving a 7-9 yr. prison term. it only get worse until they decide to quit using. unfortunely my son never made the right choice there. i hope this is the bottom for your husband. get to meetings. learn to take care of you. prayers for you both.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Welcome to SR! Please read the stickies at the top & other posts. You will find help & understanding here. Also, as the others mentioned, it would be beneficial for you to get to Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings. These meetings are for YOU! It seems when a loved one is in rehab all the focus is on them getting the support they need. However, the sp/parent/child who is at home also needs support. The one good thing about the A being in rehab is that we can sit back & relax.....cause we know that they are safe. Use this time for yourself......relax, find meetings & focus on yourself.
Learn the 3 C's you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Hugs,
Chris
Learn the 3 C's you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Hugs,
Chris
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
I have recently been in the same situation. I am 23 and my SO was recently in treatment after struggling with his addiction throughout our entire relationship. When he was in rehab I felt much the same way as you; lonely, concerned...
Then I realized that, as lonely as I was, life was actually a little bit easier while he was in treatment. I didn't have to think about when he was coming home, or whether he was going to be "high" around our son. I knew that he wasn't going to be there to help with the event at church or whatever, so it gave me the freedom to go ahead and make other plans. So, as difficult as it was, it was somewhat relieving to know where he was and that he was safe and clean while he was there.
With that said, one of the most difficult (yet somehow refreshing) revelations that has come of his time there was that there is nothing I can do for him. I have used, but I don't have a problem with addiction like he does and I cannot possibly understand what he is going through. I have always felt the need to be "the strong one" so when he went into treatment I thought it was my job to be a brave, supporting pillar of strength for him, ready to stand by his side and help him wherever he needed me. But during family therapy I realized that this is just not something he can turn to me for. He's got to depend on the other addicts in his life in his recovery and NA groups and his sponser, and I just can't be everything to him. It was shocking and kind of a blow to me when I first heard him say that, although he's glad I'm in his life, even if I wasn't he could stay clean because this is something that he wants to do for himself, not for me.
For some reason I had this idea that we were supposed to be everything to each other.
But in his recovery, we're always gonna be on the sidelines, not coaching.
Like I said, it's starting to be kind of refreshing to know that I don't have to call the shots.
Then I realized that, as lonely as I was, life was actually a little bit easier while he was in treatment. I didn't have to think about when he was coming home, or whether he was going to be "high" around our son. I knew that he wasn't going to be there to help with the event at church or whatever, so it gave me the freedom to go ahead and make other plans. So, as difficult as it was, it was somewhat relieving to know where he was and that he was safe and clean while he was there.
With that said, one of the most difficult (yet somehow refreshing) revelations that has come of his time there was that there is nothing I can do for him. I have used, but I don't have a problem with addiction like he does and I cannot possibly understand what he is going through. I have always felt the need to be "the strong one" so when he went into treatment I thought it was my job to be a brave, supporting pillar of strength for him, ready to stand by his side and help him wherever he needed me. But during family therapy I realized that this is just not something he can turn to me for. He's got to depend on the other addicts in his life in his recovery and NA groups and his sponser, and I just can't be everything to him. It was shocking and kind of a blow to me when I first heard him say that, although he's glad I'm in his life, even if I wasn't he could stay clean because this is something that he wants to do for himself, not for me.
For some reason I had this idea that we were supposed to be everything to each other.
But in his recovery, we're always gonna be on the sidelines, not coaching.
Like I said, it's starting to be kind of refreshing to know that I don't have to call the shots.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 25
It is so nice to know there are people out there who have been in my situation . and to k1a2t3h4r5y6n7 It is so crazy to hear you say that you thought you and your dh were everything to one another wow same case here growing up i did not have my mother around nor my father so as I got older and felt like I could not trust anyone I met my husband who I thought "we were each others everything" I began to realize it was a very unhealthy way to think . I put him so high up there almost like he could do no wrong to me so when he hurt me with his addiction it was a HUGE blow also after he got clean he came to me and had to "tell me something-a confession" it was that in the midst of his addiction he had cheated on me wow talk about feeling destroyed inside . Something I'm still getting over . This ugly disease brings the addicts to the dark side ..... Anyway I'm glad I have all you to talk to I have a 13 month old baby and getting to naranon is not the easiest thing trying to find a sitter and all .... I'm hoping to ease out of myself because i am very co dependent for those of you who are codependent how did you go about changing ? And for those of you who's marriage has been effected by there spouses addiction how do you go about working on your marriage and the hurt whdn the addict is working on them selves?
My husband is an addict
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 28
Hi August,
I am in the same boat as you almost to the tee, I too never trusted anyone as a child, met my hubby at 15 I am not 25 been married for 3 years, have a 17 month old son and he was court ordered to rehab 2 weeks ago. It is so hard trying to live life without him but I know it's for the best. My life has been consumed trying to support him in his recovery but he repeatedly relapsed, lied, stole, etc. The list goes on and on. It's not easy, I am struggling with this as well.
I am in the same boat as you almost to the tee, I too never trusted anyone as a child, met my hubby at 15 I am not 25 been married for 3 years, have a 17 month old son and he was court ordered to rehab 2 weeks ago. It is so hard trying to live life without him but I know it's for the best. My life has been consumed trying to support him in his recovery but he repeatedly relapsed, lied, stole, etc. The list goes on and on. It's not easy, I am struggling with this as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 25
Hi Lost Hi Chris
Chris- So I can actually take my 13 month old to a naranon meeting?
Lost- I can totally relate I also have been through all of those things with my dh . It is crazy what a different person he is sober ! When he is not using he is the man I feel in love with and being that I met him so young he was sort of like my "savior" from my dysfuctional family . Yes, He was mentally unstable also being an addict and all however he made me feel safe
Chris- So I can actually take my 13 month old to a naranon meeting?
Lost- I can totally relate I also have been through all of those things with my dh . It is crazy what a different person he is sober ! When he is not using he is the man I feel in love with and being that I met him so young he was sort of like my "savior" from my dysfuctional family . Yes, He was mentally unstable also being an addict and all however he made me feel safe
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Yep, you can take her. My AD takes her to NA & I've taken her to Nar-anon. My AD said when they all starting clapping for an anniversary meeting that the little clapped, too! 
Then there's the 6 yr old....she can hold hands & say the ending with the best of us. Keep coming back it works if you work it. They'll love your little one.
Hugs,
Chris
Then there's the 6 yr old....she can hold hands & say the ending with the best of us. Keep coming back it works if you work it. They'll love your little one.Hugs,
Chris
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
Hey, I just want to add this; I took my son to a nar-anon meeting with me and he was more than welcome there, but then I took him to an al-anon meeting and I felt very unwelcome, like his actions and mine were an inconvenience to the people there.
this is not a comment saying "nar-anon's better than al-anon" btw, lol
I'm just saying, if you find a meeting where you don't feel entirely welcome, and you try it a few times and it doesn't get any better, don't give up and assume that you shouldn't bring your child to meetings, just look for another one, because they do exist.
this is not a comment saying "nar-anon's better than al-anon" btw, lol
I'm just saying, if you find a meeting where you don't feel entirely welcome, and you try it a few times and it doesn't get any better, don't give up and assume that you shouldn't bring your child to meetings, just look for another one, because they do exist.
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