cassandra2

Hello All,

I have been posting and reading here since October and its now February and I hate to say this but I finally "get it".

I was reading my journal over the last few months and see all of my spinning thoughts and have deeply reflected on my OWN behaviors through out my ex's opiate addiction. Well recently as I was examining my behaviors and thinking about my reaction to his drug use I realized that I PERSONALIZED everything that was happening to him. Some call this codependence. And while I understand the term and the behaviors behind it I didnt own it for myself.

You see I read all the things about letting go, codie's, giving it to God, and all the rest but I just didnt really understand I mean REALLY understand it until now.

MY RECOVERY is all about MY reactions to whatever is happening around me. How I CONTROL myself. My thoughts. My feelings. I know this may sound, to some, elementry but to ME it was my light bulb moment.

It doesnt matter how or what happened with my ex all that matters is what is happening with ME. How I choose to REACT to anything.

This has been such a difficult road but to finally come to a point where you REALLY get it its FEELS SO GOOD!

I have been meeting with my therapist, who up until now I havent really liked, but I went in to her office with this idea that I have recognized my behavior and want to change it. I am not happy with how I feel when I do this or that and she says "you have found recovery". LIGHT BULB ON!

Anyway, I just wanted to express this to you because it is possible to get better for yourself. It is possible to understand that YOU can CHANGE. It is so empowering to know that if though I didnt cause his addiction or make him use I still played apart that made me act in ways that were contrary to what I used to be.

So now I have decided to change my behavior and my reaction and how I look at others and also my desire to change outcomes to suit myself.

I want to thank you all for listening.

Freedom1990

Isn't it wonderful when the light bulb does come on?! :ghug :ghug

PS. The office in my head was dark for a long long time.

Serenity Bound

Wonderful!! I remember that light bulb myself. What a great feeling. And I have to be honest, I'm still learning, so sometimes there's sparks. lol

cassandra2

AHHH sigh of relief to know that I am not the only one thinking that thought!!!

Impurrfect

(((Cassandra)))

I was reading something similar to this in another thread today...about knowing something and accepting it. I can read everything, understand what you say, and know you're right, but until I accept it and understand (REALLY understand) how it is affecting me, I still don't "get it".

I'm glad the light bulb has come one. Like Freedom, the office in my head was dark for a long, long time (I really like that, DeVon!!).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

imallright

Thanks for sharing that. I understand what you are saying. I was in a session with my therapist last week and I told her that I think I finally realize that no matter what I do, say, or try to make happen I can't "make" my AH do anything. I can't cajole him, influence him, mandate him, force him, trick him... nothing. HE has to do it.

Again, I have read this and thought I got it... but until last week... I didn't really get it. I guess I accepted that I was powerless over this and decided to just do what I could do.... finally. It was an amazing moment for me too. Not that there aren't many, many dark corners left to illuminate.

Good for you and good for us. Little by little we will learn and grow.

Freedom1990

Oh my goodness, no! I am so proud of you gals who catch on quickly compared to this old coconut head!

It was a very looooooong and painful 12 years after I left the EXAH, and after more failed relationships with dysfunctional men, before the lights finally came on dear.

Be proud of your progress! :ghug

PS. Sometimes I do forget to change the bulb and regress into darkness for a bit.

BayAreaPhoenix

And that "light bulb" will help you identify areas where you still need to work for YOU as time goes on! It's a wonderful light-bulb! congratulations!!!!!!

outtolunch

Congratulations on the milestone. You earned it.

Ann

You gotta love those epiphany moments, when the clouds clear and it all just makes sense. Even after many years of recovery, I still love having those moments of clarity.

Recovery is a slow process, and considering all the "stuff" we have to sort out, often while dealing with a crisis, and considering how long we have been lost fumbling in the dark...it's amazing that we find the light at all, but we do and it's a wonderful feeling to know we never have to go back to the darkness again.

Thank you for sharing your light with each of us.