BayAreaPhoenix

I'm having an issue, and this is where my new codie skills are being tested. I'm not sure I'll explain it too well as I'm trying to give enough info to understand, but not get mired down in too much detail...

I have helped a friend of mine a lot over the last 6-8 mos. She got hit hard with her husband leaving and all the revelations that came with it. That and a 19 year-old daughter. I willingly and gladly offered support and extra time. I made time for her like I would to anyone who has suffered a major loss and change, and I had the time. It also helped me, by helping her, clarify my own thoughts regarding my own situation.

So, recently she has been focusing on regular life stuff, like things to do, skiing, concerts, finding a man, etc. So, seems to me she's off and running, and I don't need to be there quite as much for her. I also am working more and don't really have the time either. By the time I get done with my days now I'm pooped out and just don't have much left.

Well, lately I've been getting very wierd contact from her. Short. It's like she's mad at me. I have no idea. She has a lot on her plate, she has to find a job, she still has a 19 year-old daughter and all that goes with that, etc. I am still her friend, check in on her, etc. But, it seems like it's not enough.

Now I could be dead wrong, she does have so much going on in her life it probably has nothing to do with me. I am sitting tight. Part of me is already getting defensive, like I did something "wrong", and I KNOW I didn't. This is that old codie button getting pushed I'm sure.

What I am trying to think and remember is: It may or may not be anything to do with me, she is fully capable of coming to me and expressing herself if she does have an issue, I have been and continue to be a friend and need to have my own life - including work. But, still it floats thru my mind and I think I need a little help...

So, any advice?

imallright

Maybe ask her what's up? Maybe send her a note and let her know you have missed her, but that you are glad that she is doing well and living her own life. Maybe invite her to spend some time with you, but make it a couple weeks out so that you have room to breath, but she knows you care and want to be around her.

restingmyeyes

Bayareaphoenix,

You know your friend best, but from reading your post I think this sounds like the ebb and flow of a "regular" relationship, one that's not in the midst of crisis. It could be that she feels a little guilty about spending less time with you now that she's so busy with life.

I have a friend that I meet every couple of months for coffee. We spend an hour chatting and catching up. There's not a lot of day-to-day contact, but if you asked me about her I would say she is a close friend.

My suggestion is: don't overthink this. You're busy, she's busy. Enjoy the time you have regained and do something nice for yourself.

Resting

BayAreaPhoenix

That's the thing - I live 4 houses away, I email everyday and say good morning and just checking in. I invited her to din and movie at my place this weekend, but she just got all quiet.

I feel like I'm getting reeled into the "what's wrong?" - but maybe not. That's where my codie behavior has a little bit of blurred lines. when is enough enough, and when is it reaching out or not? I'm feeling like it's a bit like the ex. I would do and do for him, and then I'd get this wierd silent stuff, because I hadn't been spending ALL my time on him, like he was entitled - I don't want to go down that road again. So, am I reacting to the past, or is this person actually doing a passive aggressive thing by withdrawing expecting me to be the one to say what's wrong (again) and say I'm sorry she feels that way, blah blah blah when I haven't done anything wrong - or have I?

BayAreaPhoenix

This is what I hope it is - and she's not my best friend, just a friend who I got close to in a time of crisis for her. I'm hoping this is all it is. But, the overthinking, that's my codie button no doubt! Thanks!

imallright

Doesn't sound like it. Maybe just back off a bit and see what happens. I'll come to dinner instead : ) HA!

Freedom1990

Well, here's my two cents, which isn't much in today's economy.

I like where you say you 'feel like I'm getting reeled into...', but then I see you doubting your initial gut feeling, and overthinking/analyzing/etc etc, which for me, is codie behavior.

I know what my gut tells me....but......

See what I'm getting at?

Read your first sentence that I quoted above. It certainly sounds to me like you're being a good friend.

Let it go at that.

I find that when self-doubt starts to creep in, I'm usually in need of more self-care, and probably some spiritual recharging.

BayAreaPhoenix

You got it! I just can't help thinking that I THOUGHT I was holding my boundaries and only giving what I was comfortable with, but that I actually ended up repeating my codie behavior, or at least giving the impression. This just feels like such familiar yuck! I don't want to cause myself this yuck anymore. Maybe I didn't. Maybe it's just old thinking!

I'll let you know what's on the menu for the next movie and din night!

imallright

Sounds great!

BayAreaPhoenix

Thanks all of you! I can't tell you how much it helps to have what I THOUGHT I was doing OK - i.e. leaving it alone - and what it was FEELING like. It's not really about her, just my reaction and the gut feelings it was bringing up, obviously something I still need to work on so thank you! I will "assume innocence" in this case, and future cases, and in the meantime, keep on living my life and working on me and my tool-box.

As for din - anytime! Wouldn't it be fun? Wine Country with the SR gals - maybe the codie bus should fire up one of these days.

:ghug2

imallright

Anvil... swing by this way on your way to CA... oh that's right, wrong direction. Maybe I better drive and pick you up on the way!!!!

itisatruth

I see progress in your posts. You are more aware of these feelings and thoughts AND you're dealing with them. You are beginning to recognize when you don't feel quite right with a situation, seek support, and think about things instead of just go along for the ride. Progress not perfection right!