destroyedagain

Hey everyone I am new to this so forgive me if I ramble. I will give you a brief rundown of what has happened. Eleven years ago my husband had a severe problem with percocet's and oxycodone. He would snort them. He would not come home at night, we bounced all kinds of checks, lost our house..etc. Well needless to say we moved from where we were. I thought if I got him away from the situation it would work out. I helped him to detox and get him on the road to recovery. He never went for help but seemed to do great. We worked on our marriage had 2 beautiful girls, bought a house became finacially vibrant again. Well Saturday I caught him taking pills. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my body. He told me it wasn't like the last time, he doesn't snort them and he only takes him if he needs to. I am finding such a hard time believing him. I am ready to walk and I need some advice.

Freedom1990

Geographical cures usually don't work for real addicts.

If the drugs were my only problem, it would stand to reason that once I put the drugs down, everything would be fine.

That wasn't the case for me.

I can't tell you what to do.

My ex-husband was also an addict and he never admitted to having a problem.

He was buried in 2007 at the tender age of 47.

BayAreaPhoenix

I think the above has been said well and clearly. Just wanted to add my ditto, say welcome and send some hugs.

destroyedagain

Well a couple of replies. The first time he got addicted they were perscribed. He had a fall at work and has damage to his leg. When I found the pills, that he hid, he did not say whether he went to a doctor or not. If they were in an aspirin bottle I am asuming he got them elsewhere. I have been assessing what needs to be done. My children are my first priority and I don't want them to see what is going on. He is making no attempt to talk to me nor am making an attempt. Right now I just want to slap him for doing this to our family again, but violence is not going to get us anywhere. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I feel guilty if I say I want to seperate, like I am the one giving up, but he cant keep doing this to our family. I find it very sellfish. If he is in emotional pain or physical pain why didn't he come to me. I stood by him for so many years, loved him, helped him through it the first time only for it to happen again. My head is spinning, I breakdown constantly and most of all I am so scared. Thank you to all who have replied. I don't have friends that I can talk to so I thought that coming on here and talking to people who are actually in the same situation as me will help.

stainedglass

I truly feel for you. It must be very painful.

I'm sometimes a little more 'extreme' when it comes to making things right. Like if I were you, I'd flush the pills while he's not home. Fill the bottles with Flinstones vitamins. But if he's hooked, he has the pills on him at all times.

I'm very sorry and I hope you work this out soon.

winnie12

These things DONT work and will turn you into a raving lunetic - searching, flushing, searching, screaming. This is called codependant.

Moving to get away from internal problems doesnt work either. Nothing works until you get down to the nitty gritty and address the real problem.

wooforever

Okay this is coming from a addict and a person the lived with another addict. I did not take pills, but it is the same for all addicts. He needs to get help. Not many addicts can do this on there own. He needs to got to meetings and look into a treatment some place.

You can move away for the problem, but the problem is not where you live it is within himself. You have lost everything once do you really want to lose everything again. If he is getting them illegal, then there is more danger that he could get busted and you could be busted along with him.

Everyday you let him around you with the illegal drugs you are in danger. If he need the pills for the pain they have medication that are not addicting. Has he seen a doctor? If not I would start looking for meeting. You need to start setting boundries.

If you do not want to lose everything start making plans so you do not.

destroyedagain

No I don't want to lose everything again. I am greatful I found out before it got to the point of no return. I know the problem is within him. My first reaction was to walk and run and never look back, but I can't because of my kids. I have to give him a chance, yet again, to work this out. If I do nothing what if the situation gets totally out of control, what if he does kill himself by doing this. How would I ever explain to my children that I didn't try to help him. I wrote him a letter, I know that sounds stupid, but it is the only way for me to get all my feelings out without crying or yelling. The bottom line is I gave him a choice, to either go to counseling with me or the marriage is over. Ultimately, it will be him who determines how this goes. I will try my hardest to try and work this out but if he is not willing to get help I can't jeopordize my life or my kids life. They did not ask to be brought into this situation, so I need to protect them.

Serenity Bound

destroyed, Welcome to SR. You will find many friends here who will understand and that you can talk to. You are right, your kids come first. I'd suggest if you are going to give him another chance, you need to set boundaries. You should also check out Al-Anon/Nar-anon meetings, these meetings will be for you, to help you recognize codie behaviors, to help you set your boundaries.

You have to help yourself & your kids. This may sound harsh, however if he dies it will not be because of anything you did or did not do. Learn the 3c"s....you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Addiction is not yours to control.

I hope you'll read the stickies at the top & read around the other posts. You will find that you have a home here filled with caring, understanding people.

Hugs,
Chris

Callie

Just wanted to let you kow that I was in the exact same sitch 1 year ago. I found out that AH was using again. I agree with the others, batten down the hatches to protect you, your kids financially, legally etc. You could be in for a rough ride. I'm sorry you are here.

stainedglass

Isn't she a raving lunatic already? Her husband is pissing away the life they rebuilt together. I'd be brokenhearted and livid. And when she goes to talk to him about it, he says 'it's not that bad?' Do you think she should just keep trying to talk to him, putting him even more on the defensive? I think she has a say in the stability of their lives together. But he cannot keep brushing it off like it's just trivial bs. This is a very big deal and imho, tough love is something this man might need. I mean, she's ready to leave. He's not a 14 year old who might get kicked out of Mom and Dad's. He's a grown man who's risking losing his wife and children if he doesn't work on himself.

Freedom1990

In regards to the 'raving lunatic' reference, Winnie was talking about flushing the pills. That's controlling behavior, and it will drive you nuts. You can't control an addict.

Stuff like that doesn't work.

I'm also not sure where you got that she should keep talking to him. The reference was made to addressing the real underlying problem.

That's the addict's job. The addict must address the underlying problem, or it's still there.

winnie12

Tough love is not running behind an addict and throwing away pills, dumping out the liquor, calling their drug dealer, or any of the other controlling behavors many of us here have tried to use unsuccessfully for years - that's co-dependancy. Tough love is enforcing real consequences when the addict crosses boundaries. You cant stop someone from using with this tactic and it will drive you insane. I promise I know this for a fact - i used to search my AS's room daily trying to find things. I truly thought for a while that i was loosing my mind. I'm not talking about being upset - I'm talking about loosing my sanity by trying to control what he was doing when it was completely out of my control. Everytime i found a stash place - he would move it - then he kept it on him and so i would check his dirty clothes he just took off while he was in the shower. It was a perpetual game of hide and seek that i couldnt win - she cant win - and you cant win.

Please read the stickies on here and you might understand what i'm talking about.

Callie

Winnie and freedom are right. You can talk until you're blue in the face. An active addict is like talking to a pine tree. They don't hear you and you only get more frustrated. You can flush every pill, needle that you find. In the end if she does that it's probably costing HER more money because he'll just go out and buy more. You can and will make yourself crazy by trying to control this disease. I've done it.

wooforever

If he kills himself that is not your fault he is the one that took his life. I lived with that guilt for some many years after I left my Ex. He is in prison, now. I kept giving him a second chance and guess what he is in prison because he could not find his own recovery. I have been through 4 rehabs, detox, him being in and out of jail for all of son's life of 16 yrs. I did not do my kids any favor by sticking by his side. My boys have seen what an addiction can do to a person. I am a recovering addict I have been sober now for over 5 years.

He writes and tells me that he is hoping to get put back into rehab, maybe this time something they tell him will stick. I have heard this for over 15 years, until he wants to get the help and make it stick that is on him.

You cannot stay with someone because of the kids. They can see their father when ever they want, you just will not be living with and active addict.

destroyedagain

I know you are all right. I have flushed pills down the toilet, searched the house, etc. Never realizing I was co-dependent. Well I left my letter to him for when he comes home. It is up to him now I guess. The feeling inside my stomach is one I have felt 11 years ago and never wanted to feel again. I am so scared he will say that he won't go to counseling with me. I figured marriage counseling and she can be the one to determine or tell him that he needs seperate counseling for his addiction or not. Maybe coming from someone else may help. I don't know all I know is I am terrified about the outcome of this letter but I don't regret it because it is my feelings. You all are helping understand this more and I appreciate each and every one of you and your comments. For those of you who are recovering addicts, I tilt my hat to you, keep up the good work and strive because there is better out there. I just hope my husband can see that.

jerect

I cannot tell you how many times I flushed pills, called drug dealers, searched his truck, searched his pockets and even went through is wallet, all in the name of insanity.

Everytime I flushed a pill, he just went and bought more.. Everytime I called or text messaged a drug dealer threatening to report them to the cops, I not only risked my own life but my AH just found new dealers,, they come a dime a dozen. When I searched his truck and his belongings he just got better at hiding things and i just became a better detective... a continuous merry go round of controlling, denial, and insanity.. one I never ever want to be on again.

Just remembering all the crazy stuff I was doing last year at this time is enough to make me feel completely ashamed.

I was left with one choice and that choice was to get help for me.. I had to completely detatch, set some tough boundaries and put myself, my well being and my safety first..

I watched my AH spiral down to an ugly bottom all by himself and I was not there to coushin the fall.. and thats what it took for him to get help and for him to get clean and for him to begin working a program..

sknyfats

I did that with my ex-AGF. One of the most painful & traumatic things I've ever experienced - and I have experienced & witnessed a lot of messed up things in life. Didn't take me too long to find out that she didn't even last 24 hours clean.

Reminds me of when my ex-AGF said first told me that she had an addiction - to "Percs". Assured me how it really wasn't such a "big deal" - even said "it's not like I'm taking oxy's or anything; THEN you would want to be worrying."

So imagine my surprise when I discover her snorting oxy's daily, first thing in the morning...of course when I confront her on it - she tells me it's no big deal - & tells me I'm "throwing things in her face" when I bring up her own words about how bad it would really be if she were doing oxy's...

Like I said - I have gone through a lot in life. And, no matter how much your logical mind tells you that its time to move on & get away from a bad situation - you won't do it until your heart is ready. For those of us who are codependant (which I finally learned & accepted on New Years day of all days) - it takes even longer to get to that point.

Granted - my relationship with my ex-AGF was much, much shorter than your relationship - so that has to have some bearing on things...I am proud to say though, that I have had ZERO contact with her for over 2 weeks now. I just told her enough was enough - and that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I said what I meant. I meant what I said. I still get sad; still think about her. Still love her very much. I'm finding that I love me even more tho - and that's keeping me from having anything to do with her again. I feel better - in soooo many ways. I am getting my life back. I gave so much to her & her addiction - for what? I wasted so much time, energy & money. I lost so much of myself, my possessions - everything...it was sickening.

It doesn't have to be that way. You'll figure it out. Love them. Offer them help. And then do whatever it is YOU have to do FOR YOU - without even a second thought for THEIR "needs". You deserve 100% of your own attention right now. Giving any of your time or energy is just going to bring you both down. We're not captains of their ship's; we don't have to go down with them. We can jump at any time - and should.

kduker

I just wanted to say that my husband is an addict too. We've been together 12 years, and just recently he went on suboxone. He was ready to quit. But he hasn't dealt with the reasons why he feels the need to use, and trades addictions regularly. I've been at my wits end and back to sanity so many times my head is always spinning.
One thing I've learned from coming here is that I can't love him out of it. I'm sure I will keep trying though. We are in a good place right at this moment, and he's been on this site with me. I know tomorrow, hell, even tonight, everything could change. You must take care of you and your children first. I also have 2 young children. Right now I am resting in the comfort of this website and my God.
Not to sound preachy, but God knows what you need and what he needs.
Good luck to you, let us know what happens with your letter.
(I too feel more comfortable writing letters, easier to keep everything in check.

stainedglass

So should she just sit back and watch her husband rot away?
What's your suggestion then? Sit and watch?
Re: the stickies, I don't remember one telling me how I need to agree with others when posting. I'm thinking I may have been through this more times than most of you have. And I'm still struggling. I feel if my parents didn't coddle me so much like they did, I would've fallen on my face and would have been forced to rebuild myself on my own.

I apologize if I'm coming off too strong. I get hit with this from time to time. It's hard for me to be overly nice but plz don't think I'm in roar-mode. I am interested in your replies though as I'm confused as what you all think she should do.