I can't believe it happened again.

Old 02-03-2009, 04:28 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by destroyedagain View Post
Well I left my letter to him for when he comes home. It is up to him now I guess. The feeling inside my stomach is one I have felt 11 years ago and never wanted to feel again. I am so scared he will say that he won't go to counseling with me. I figured marriage counseling and she can be the one to determine or tell him that he needs seperate counseling for his addiction or not. Maybe coming from someone else may help. I don't know all I know is I am terrified about the outcome of this letter but I don't regret it because it is my feelings.

Hey gal, I understand that fear of the unknown. My mind used to race off to all the 'what ifs'. Try hard to live in the moment. God didn't bring you this far to drop you, right?

My sponsor always tells me you can't pray and worry at the same time.

Try to replace that fear with faith, faith that God is indeed watching over you, and stay in the moment. :ghug :ghug
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Old 02-03-2009, 05:59 PM
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I believe you should go with your instinct and leave. Practice tough love. I know it sounds harsh and hard to do at first, but let me just say that really, its the only thing you can do.

I read the series "Getting them sober" and they were excellent books and would recommend you picking them up. The author does a really good job of explaining tough love.

Just remember this piece of advice.......Keep doing what your doing and you will keep getting what your getting......

Took me a long time to understand that and when I did I realized that I needed to change what I was doing.

Addiction is a terrible disease to live with and will destroy families one person at a time. I wish you well. Keep reading and posting here.
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Old 02-03-2009, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by stainedglass View Post
This is a very big deal and imho, tough love is something this man might need.
Originally Posted by cassandra2 View Post
Practice tough love. I know it sounds harsh and hard to do at first, but let me just say that really, its the only thing you can do.
Glad someone agrees.
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Old 02-03-2009, 07:46 PM
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Hi- your husband is lying to you it sounds so familiar my husband tried to make me believe that he could control his vicodin addiction . Its a big fat lie addicts are the best liars and will manipulate the situation to get there high
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Old 02-04-2009, 04:48 AM
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Originally Posted by stainedglass View Post
So should she just sit back and watch her husband rot away?
Stainedglass - i think maybe your missing the point of what I'm saying. what you're talking about is trying to control the addict by throwing away pills not tough love. But its possible that what you consider tough love is not what i consider tough love so i will try to explain what i have experienced of tough love.

For you tough love is throwing out their pills -something that many here have tried and never succeeded. For me the turning point of control and tough love was the first time i had my AS arrested so he could face the consequences of his actions. Believe me if i could have thrown away his stash and stopped the problem then we wouldnt have gone through the last two years of ERs, jails, and rehabs. Throwing away pills is delaying the inevitable - tough love lets them face the inevitable sooner before they have killed themselves.

And yes sometimes you do have to sit back and let them hit bottom on their own - that too is tough love. Yes it can have deadly consequences but its their only chance. I could run after my son, following him every where he went pulling the drugs out of his hands but he'd always find another way.

Tough love meant sitting back and letting him fall on his a$$ alone and without me. It was letting him sit in jail and not making any attempt to get him out. It was letting him wake up in the hospital alone after OD'ing and wondering how he got there. It was giving him the gift of insight into what life was going to be like if he stayed on this path. Before you claim that this is not tough love I will tell you that this is by far the toughest thing i've ever done in my life and i'm only doing it to try to save my son's life.

You are seeing the addict's problem in the little pills you find and i see the problem in the mind of my son.
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Old 02-04-2009, 05:56 AM
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Well I left the letter last night, I don't know if he read it or not. I do know that he has taken it to work today so we will see what happens. Here is the last part of it and you tell me if I did the right thing:

"If you have any intention of saving this family and our marriage then you will agree to go to counseling with me. If you decide that counseling is something that you will not or can not do then we need to make arrangements. The arrangements will be if you decide not to work this out is, you said that the bathroom will be finished at work shortly and you would stay there, fine. Until then I would stay in the girls room. You will need to come home at least one time a week to see the girls and have them every other weekend; this is to get them accustomed to what will come. Neither one of us can afford a place of our own right now so this is going to be how it will have to be done until we can figure financial situations out. I have fought for this marriage before when you were on the pills but I can’t do it by myself or nor will I fight for it if you show no attempt. Sh**, I don’t ask for much do I. The only thing I ever wanted was a drug free life, to try to teach my children from right and wrong, and to be happy. Well I don’t have the drug free life, do I? And I am not happy. I told you that if I was to ever find out you were doing pills again that it would be the end. I am sticking to it. I am not going to sit and watch you kill yourself and I am not going to sit and be financially destroyed again. My heart once again has been ripped from me, my soul has been beaten, my faith has totally been destroyed, and trusting in you has been demolished. My heart can be mended, my soul can be patched, and my faith can be rebuilt, but trusting you I don’t know if I can rebuild it again."
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Old 02-05-2009, 04:56 PM
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I think you said it all. Please let us know what's happening. Sounds like you need someone to talk to, and until you can get counseling, you might as well vent here. It has helped me.

God Bless you and your husband and your kids. He will look out for you all.
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Old 02-06-2009, 05:29 AM
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Unhappy

Nothing has happened. He read the letter a few days ago and he has not spoken a word to me. Usually I give in and start small talk, but not this time. I have been sleeping in my son's room since he is deployed and it is the only place I can really cry. Apparently he has made his choice. If he wanted to do something you would think he would have said something by now. I was feeling good yesterday and just pissed but today I am having a rough day and the tears are there but just won't come out. Tomorrow is my daughters 4th birthday party and I need to focus on that. I will have to put on the fake smile and pretend that everything is okay when in fact it actually isn't. But I am not ruining her party. My walls may be collapsing on me but dammit I will not ruin her day. Thank you all so much for listening to me, I so do appreciate it.
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Old 02-06-2009, 06:25 AM
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Not knowing is something that is so hard for me. But no answer is sometimes all the answer you can get. I was raised that you see a problem - you fix a problem. but that isnt how it works in the real world.

You are so right to focus on your daughter - she needs this. I have become determined that my daughter's special times will not be destroyed by someone else's addiction or problems. My AS was tripping on acid at her 10th birthday party last year - I just completely avoided him until it was over - I didnt even acknowledge it or allow my brain to go there - just kept busy and kept that smile on my face until i could go to bed and let it all out.

In the words of Scarlett O'Hara “Fiddle-dee-dee! I won’t worry about that today. I’ll worry about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day!”
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Old 02-06-2009, 06:40 AM
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This is from a pill addict, 31 days sober. Please listen. What many of us addicts have a hard time "getting" is how our addiction effects others. I used to think I was only doing this to myself, but my work suffered, my relationships suffered, and my bank account suffered. I was also married to a man that was also an addict. I did all of the things such as looking for his drugs, flushing them, screaming, crying, drug testing him. I did it all. It didn't work. I became the Warden, and he avoided me. Your husband is lying to you. My addiction was easy to hide because I could function fairly normally and no one noticed. I never snorted anything, so really his idea that just because he is not ingesting the drugs through his nose, it is still as bad as you think. I wish I could give you better advice. I just know he needs to decide this for himself. He will hide it from you so that he is able to get his drug. You become the obstacle. I hated that feeling with my husband. Somehow you have to open the lines of communication again. But do not become codependant and addicted to him.
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Old 02-06-2009, 08:04 AM
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Hello there, firstly I would like to say that I am sorry for what you are going through. I too lived the exact same things with my AH. Except I did so through 8 treatment centers in 5 yrs ( hello). Each time I believed that this time it would stick. You just never know as ONLY time will tell. Did I want to wait it out and see again? I finally had to ask myself if I wanted to risk another relapse or binge? It was my kids that finally made me see that I could not take that chance again. Our daughters..one just turned 5 and the other one is 11 months. I figured its better to be from a broken home than in one. It is time that I used all of the energy I wasted on him on other things. He has been out of the house now for 4 months. It was hard getting him to go. But why should we have to leave? Its about time our kids got the stability they deserve and need. And to make the seperation as less hard on them as we can.
I know my story did not have a happy ending. But others do so I can only wish you the best with what ever you decide.
Just please know that without some kind of serious effort on his part to admit he has a problem, things can only get progressively worse .
On another note...marriage counselling I don't think can work because your problems seem to be with his addiction. That would have to be first. To get him clean so he can think with a clear head.
I love this quote ( Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes) so true.
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Old 02-06-2009, 08:28 AM
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"I became the Warden, and he avoided me."

Exactly how I was with my H I used to think that I could turn off his addiction just like a switch . I always thought that the kids and I would get him clean gosh I was so naive .... My H is currently in rehab round 2 for addiction to kolonopin (same as zanax ) and VICODIN We have been through so much in our marriage even after the last time he has gotten clean he came to me with a "confession" that he had cheated on me in the midst of his addiction on 3 separate occasions( all took place in a 3 week period before he ended it) talk about a blow I still sorta wish to this day that he would not of told me. If you H does not get into a program like NA AND Maybe even REHAB 1st to detox you will see this again and again and again.... That is the kicker being in love with an addict means there always could be a slip up a mistake .... With my dh he is is very functioning he has a very good job , plays sports takes great care of his family believe it or not he was there emotionally and financially but he is an addict he takes large amounts of pain pills on a daily basis ...

I was in denial for quite a while .
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