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Problem With My Sons EX

Old 02-01-2009, 10:46 AM
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rozied
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Problem With My Sons EX

My 35 yr old son was engaged to this woman. They had 2 children together then broke up. Since the break up my son is raising these 2 young children on his own with our help. Now this ex has gotten herself addicted to heroin. She wants our help. I called a rehab in the state where we live & they told me to tell her to go to Social Services & apply for a Medicaid Card and even if she gets denied to get a copy of the denial. Then go to The Guardinia House & they would take her in. ( Either with a card or a denial ) My son told her that but she didn't do it. Instead she went to an ex boyfriend & asked him if she could sleep over he said yes. The ex called my son to tell him he let her sleep over & when he got home from work the next day she had robbed him blind.
Now she is calling us from another state far from us, asking us to help her get id so she can get a job. She said she is in a recovery house and is now on Suboxone but needs id to get a job. First of all I asked her why she didn't listen to me & get help right here & she had no answer for me except to say she needed o get away from everything to find her sobriety. Again as far as I can see she is only thinking of herself, as it is we have been raising her children with barely any help from her for amost 4 yrs. She doesn't listen to a word you say then she calls wanting help.
This has got me so upset as even to get a social security card you need a photo id.
She ran away from all her responsibilities then she wants help from the very people she has dumped everything on.
Am I wrong to think this is not our problem.
Diane
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Old 02-01-2009, 10:52 AM
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It's not your problem. You offered the help. She didn't take it.

Let go and let God. :ghug :ghug :ghug
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Old 02-01-2009, 10:57 AM
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Rozied, Don't get yourself into the helping mode again. You know it did not work with your son and it most definitely will not help with this girl. If she is in a recovery house as she says she is, then she can find help with getting an id from someone other than you. Wish her well and then let her go. Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:02 AM
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You don't know if she is in a recovery house or not. In any case, why would she need an ID? I've been arrested 3 times and lost my drivers license, but I ALWAYS had an ID.

Please don't fall for whatever BS she is pushing.
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:27 AM
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rozied
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Oh Lord I am so very thankful for this forum & all of the great people in it. Thank you so much again, I know you are right & I have nothing to feel bad about. As it is Jim & I and my son are raising the boys without any help from her then she has the nerve to go out & get herself addicted to heroin then want help from us. Her dad is a heroin addict. I took her in when she was dating Chris to get her out of that environment, then she goes& gets addicted to the very same thing.
Its just awful. Our family had bent over backwards to help my son & her when they were together. Then she started going out on my son & not coming home for days or even weeks on end & when my son finally had enough he kept his boys. She has not paid a penny of support since they broke up & once in a while she buys them clothes or toys but nothing on a steady basis.
I don't know why I even feel bad after all we have done to help her in the past.
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:41 AM
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Don't talk to her, but I'd send her her ID if you have it. Then, since she's getting a job, you could file for child support from her! Just an idea!
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Old 02-01-2009, 12:47 PM
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Ann
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Good for you for taking a giant step back, Rozie.

Protect those children and take care of yourself and keep a safe distance from her. That's enough for anyone to handle.

Hugs
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Old 02-01-2009, 12:52 PM
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I don't know why I even feel bad after all we have done to help her in the past.

I know why, Rosied. It's codependent thinking, sister. Go back to Melody Beattie, and get some grounding again. It does seem that whenever an addict rears his head in crisis/using mode, we can quickly fall back into crisis/rescue mode, forgetting everything we've learned and knowing for sure that there is nothing we can do but let the addict figure out these lessons on their own. She can and will do it herself IF SHE TRULY WANTS IT. And it will only work if she truly wants it for herself, not for her boys, your son, or you.

I like that saying "I will give you the dignity to ..." and then finish it however it fits, in this case, to figure it out on your own. That way she will truly "own" her recovery, having done it by herself, and for herself.

You, meanwhile, just keep the calm and serenity going on in YOUR house. There is nothing wrong with that, and no need to feel guilty.
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Old 02-01-2009, 12:59 PM
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Serenity Prayer... God Grant Me...the courage to
Change the things I can (the lives of your grandkids)
Accept the things I can not change (their mother)
and the wisdom to know the difference

This woman continues to progress in her disease. Detach and pray for her.
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Old 02-01-2009, 01:24 PM
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Hi rozied, Nice to see you but sorry your going through some heartache again. If it was me~~I wouldn't talk to her at all. You have given enough love and help in her direction and thats why she calls you hon. Your plate is full now with your grandchildren and son so take care of immediate family and maybe she'll get in contact with her own. Big hugs and love, Bonnie
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Old 02-01-2009, 01:47 PM
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rozied
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Dear Bonnie, Ann, Spiritual Seeker & Everyone who answered me thanks a million. I KNOW I cannot help her, life is hard enough taking care of the 2 boys at our age. Now my son looks like he is joining the Military so he will be away & we will have the boys 24/7 until he gets home. Thats more than enough to have to deal with.
I won't be taking anymore phone calls from her, there is nothing I can do but pray for her.
Diane
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Old 02-01-2009, 02:14 PM
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That's true, but you'll have the greatest benefits in the world for those kids! Make sure you get a care-taker's ID (available through your local military bases ID card office when you bring your ID and your son's military Dependent Care Plan) so you can hit the commissary for the food for them. You'll save about 1/2 on your groceries! Truly, it is much cheaper! And you'll get free health care for them, and you can get them on the list for the military's truly excellent child-care and pre-K. Make sure the paperwork is done before he leaves for basic. Contact his recruiter for details and don't take no for an answer. Those kids are entitled to that.

KJ
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Old 02-01-2009, 04:01 PM
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BBD
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Good for your son rozied..and good for you and your hubby. Your certainly putting your life on hold for a bit but those kids will love you so much for this...keeping them with family is important. What branch is your son thinking of joining. I have one Army and one Marine here but those years are over. hugs again, Bonnie
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Old 02-03-2009, 03:09 AM
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rozied
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Thanks for your responses. He is joining the National Guard for 6 yrs.
She was going to call me back but so far I haven't heard anything.
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Old 02-03-2009, 10:34 AM
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You know you don't have to answer if she does decide to call.

Good for your son, I hope that he'll look into all the benefits that he can get for the children thru the military......thus giving you some breathing space.

Hugs,
Chris
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