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I haven't been here for a while

Old 02-01-2009, 01:40 AM
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Smile I haven't been here for a while

Hi There

I haven't been in for a while ( hope you remember me?!) I have been spending lots of me time and enjoying it,amazing first week after he went to rehab was a mess waiting to hear and now I don't care!Ok thats a lie LOL
I haven't heard a single thing not a letter call nothing but I am not hurt like I thought I would be,maybe it is a good thing.I really thought I would have had a phone call by now but apparently ( according to his mum) his rehab doesn't allow calls for the first month?Has anyone ever heard of this?I have been writing letters but not sending them , it helps to see in front of you how you are feeling instead of just feeling it,does that make sense to anyone else?
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Old 02-01-2009, 03:30 AM
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I found it took some time for me to disentangle myself from the mess. For awhile, my focus was on him - what he was doing, what he wasn't doing, what he might be doing. And then, slowly I was able to make a switch. I spent more time thinking about me: what I wanted my life to look like. I had learned those 3 C's ~ I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... once I was away from him for awhile and the dust settled... I was able to start learning more about me. I learned how much I had neglected myself in the time I was with him. It was fun to get to know me again. What movies did I like? what restaurants did I want to try out? What new things could I try that I had not had the courage to do before?

You have the gift of time right now, and some peace and perhaps not so much drama as you had before. Perhaps now is the time to do some things for yourself!

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Old 02-01-2009, 05:09 AM
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When I was in the midst of all the drama and simply trying to get through each day, I had no idea what I liked to do and/or what fun would look like. I had lost that. Some of those close to me would say, "you have lost yourself" and I had no idea what they were talking about... of course I had no idea that I mattered or had "a self" to lose at that time.

I would say things like, " I just want to have fun", but I had no idea what fun would look like or what I needed to do to feel good and have fun.

Again, once I was strong enough to see that it was the insanity surrounding me that was stopping me... I started to try new things. At first, I was alone, at home and didn't know how to get out of my own way. Even though the peace was nice and I didn't miss the anxiety or the chaos, I was overwhelmingly lost and alone. I felt almost as desperate as I did in the midst of the hell I was living, but at least I knew that hell.

I have started to venture out a bit more. Less and less I am feeling like "I want to do this, but.... and I am starting to stop "stopping myself" and I am just doing. For me it's about letting go. It's about not worrying about what might happen and starting do and live in the moment. That's difficult when you are constantly worried about what the result or ramifications might be.

Wow... I am rambling. Does this make any sense to others???? Thanks, Cats... I think you just turned on another lightbulb for me!
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