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I think I'm starting to get it...

Old 01-30-2009, 01:03 PM
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I think I'm starting to get it...

I'm sitting outside earlier, thankful of my escape from my 1 month binge on crack. Thankful that I didn't lose my future to it. Then I start thinking about xabf, and wondering what the difference is. Why he's lost so much time, why I was able to beat it (I'm still struggling sometimes, but it's been 2 weeks now!).

The simple answer I came to... I never (in that one month) let those two lives mix together. I never got drugs alone, I was doing it for a short time (although it was heavy use), I never let it come into my work, my buisness, or into my family outside of xabf. When the connection with xabf was severed I made the decision to walk away from the drugs... none of my friends are connected to any drugs... ok so what did all this mean?

I think had I let it come into my life, I would've been a lost cause. I don't think I would've been able to walk away. Just like I know if I slip up, and ever do it alone that will be it. So HOW does one quit? Knowing my mentality while doing it, it would've never been *Ok, I decided I'm going to quit*, no matter how much I wanted to. One really does need to hit rock bottom first huh? And I guess that's where us codies would need to do our part... and not help at all. And then if all the stars align it would be possible to quit? I know the typical person wants to believe that with willpower the addict should be able to walk away, but it's more then just willpower. It really is about changing people places and things, and then a lot of prayer, and then a lot of self reflection, and then making it so doing the wrong thing is harder then doing the right thing and then a lot more prayer.

Am I right here? It feels like I'm onto something, but maybe not getting it out right?
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Old 01-30-2009, 01:26 PM
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I'm so glad you walked away from the XABF AND the crack. I intertwined the two, so much, that I let them both take over my life. Had I been able to walk away from the XABF, early enough, I think I could have also walked away from the crack, because that had not been a part of my life, prior to being involved with him. Instead, I got deeper and deeper into the lifestyle.

My only suggestion is that now that you HAVE done crack, make absolutely sure, you never even entertain the ideal of doing it "just once". You've released a demon, and it will be with you forever, but I think you know that.

I think you are like me....seeing the codie side AND the addict side. It's a huge eye-opener, but it has given me a lot of insight, and has made me more aware of things I thought were "helping" that were actually "hurting".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-30-2009, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by InAnotherLife View Post
It really is about changing people places and things, and then a lot of prayer, and then a lot of self reflection, and then making it so doing the wrong thing is harder then doing the right thing and then a lot more prayer.
I like your insight on this. My son and i just had an argument because we were at the gas station and we both thought the attendant put more money on the pump then we paid. I headed in to tell them and my son thought I was stupid for doing so. All I could say to him is this is who I am, you can think its stupid to be honest but its my choice. I could have never driven away from the gas station knowing i owed them money (of course when its back up to $5 a gallon i may change my mind lol)
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