jerect

I think at one time all of us here at SR one way or the other have lost ourselves in someone elses addiction.. I lost myself in my AH's and it has been hell on earth trying to find myself again..


Because like most of us here you are codependent.. you feel like you need to rescue someone in order to fufill something in yourself.. You feel like you can help her overcome her addiction because something inside you wants to feel like the savior, the knight and shining armor.. this is how I was with my AH.. He was a lost cause from the get go but I just knew that I would be the one to save him and be the hero in his families eyes... instead I ended up loosing myself in the process.. Why did I do this? Because I based my happiness on helping someone else, on getting rewarded for being this great person.. what I didn't realize was that I was a great person reguardless of who I helped..

There is nothing to be ashamed of by calling yourself codie.. most codies are very tenderhearted, kind and loving people.. thats what gets us in trouble in the first place..

bigsister1982

It's true that you are wasting your time. Sometimes when the urge comes over me to "try and fix everything" I stop, and just tell myself that I can't help someone who doesn't want help. In a way it's become my mantra.

Everyone has given you really good advice and their outlooks on detaching and I'll throw mine in. Detaching to me means NOT going into my brother's room and making sure that he's still breathing every hour or so. It means not going out of my way to give him money I don't have, buy him stuff, or drive him everywhere he wants. Detaching, to me, is letting him make the first move. If he comes out of his room to say hi, great. I'll have a conversation with him & find out what's new with him. But sometimes when I visit my family I don't see him at all because he chooses not to come say hi. And I'm not going to go pester him.

Basically if Amie doesn't want you in her life, worrying about her won't do much good and you won't have much influence on her decisions, anyway. It's so easy to lose yourself trying to help other people but it's throwing away your effort and time if they are blocking you out. Good luck & hope you can start focusing on yourself!

bluebelle

I have really realized after ABF's last relapse how I didn't have any control. I also learned that my "helping" was doing nothing more than tearing me up inside. I can plead, beg, call the doctors, call his friends, look through his things, etc., but it makes no difference with his recovery. If anything, it makes him more secretive and less likely to believe in his own strength. It turns me into a depressed, anxious, lunatic.

It sounds like you are learning that your friend really isn't interested in your "help." You are realizing that you are going crazy with this. This is the time to work on those codie behaviors, and work on helping yourself. The only thing you can do is make your life better. As much as you desperately want to cure your friend, you don't have that power.

I also realize that I am "addicted" to his addiction, in the same way that he is addicted to drugs. I am supposedly trying to save him, but I do it to hide my own feelings, and to avoid taking care of myself. I use it as a way to avoid my life and to avoid the world. While I'm obsessing with his crap, I'm not taking care of my own.

I've also realized that if I don't take care of myself, nobody will. I put all this energy into worrying about him, but, in the mean time, what is happening to me? It wasn't until I felt intense pain that I realized that I needed to change my life.

For me, that means keeping out of his business. I still find myself obsessing, but I have to remind myself to stop. I have to remind myself that my obsessing only leads to worse and worse feelings. The best thing that could happen to me is when I focus on what I need. I focus on my health, emotional stability, job, school, finances, etc.

barnes

Lots of great comments here.
The link that Winnie posted was incredible.
I can understand your frustrations, but remember, ultimately you decide how you stand on your own feet and what decisions you will make. The recovery community is there as a great big toolbox. Take what you need. Add some back. Part of transforming in our lives is to begin to trust ourselves. Don't take advice and then become bitter. Don't get bitter if people don't take your advice...

ZombieWife

I always tell people this:

If you had a daughter, would you want her to date someone like this? If you had a son? Imagine them in your arms as babies, you'd give your life for them, you cry when you look at them--true, unconditional love.

Then imagine them being in your situation. Would you ever, in a million years, say to God, "please let my child grow up to be in THAT situation?"

You are still as precious as the day you were born, and when you start realizing how valuable and wondrous you as a human being and spirit are, then you will realize that you deserve to be treated as such.

(many hugs)

:ghug

mooselips

IMO, I think the bottom line is: There is no right or wrongs.
We all love our addicts, but we have to look after ourselves
before we get sucked down the drain with them.


It sounds selfish, but once you start attending Alanon,
the message becomes alot clearer.

Personally, I have instituted detatchment, and set up boundaries, and attended court (once, with each son) but never had a no contact plan.


We do what we do to keep US healthy.

sojourner

Strictly speaking for myself here..

I kept those "lines of communication" open until it got so painful for me that I just could not. I have not taken a permanent "no contact" rule. I'm just backing away in order to get myself into a more whole, healed, serene place. I find it very painful to take a front-row seat to a loved one's addiction - esp. when that addict is arrogant and is pretty sure that he does not have any kind of problem yet I see the shell of a person that he is...

peaceteach

I believe we all have an HP (higher power) who has us on a path, a journey, where we are offered experiences from which we can learn valuable insights and life-lessons. You are young, ksuan. You have just had one of these life experiences. Did you learn? Will you continue to walk life's path with this new awareness added to your self?

I tried for a very long time to do things MY way. Sometimes I still find myself forgetting this lesson. But it is when I do remember to detach, to turn my loved ones, my A's, over to their higher powers, that my own HP gives me something in return. Sometimes it is just peace and serenity, sometimes it is spiritual growth and mental insights, sometimes it is a new friend whom I wouldn't have even seen had I remained so focused on my A's.

Keep your loving focus on yourself for a while, ksuan. It is a good thing to do for yourself, to love yourself and take care of you. You must always be number one in the "keeping healthy" department in order to be a good friend to others.

atalose

Ksaun,

Could it be that the difference between her and your other friends was a drug addiction? How many of your other friends were/are addicted to heroin? Maybe you saw her as you do your other friends with the exception of the addiction and thought that if you could help her she would be like all your other friends.

ksaun

I'm well aware that the difference was her addiction. This is the first friend with an addiction, so this is all new to me. I encouraged her to continue with her meth treatments. I never threw her addiction in her face or tried to make her feel bad about it.

Other than taking her to the meth clinic and diving her to work I treated her like my other friends. I enjoyed spending time with her and talking to her. I honestly liked her for her, not because i saw her as someone I need to save or fix. I thought I could "help" just as I would help any of my other friends if they needed my help. I was wrong. I now know she has to do it herself. I fear that Maybe my "HELPING" was partly responsible for her failing. Not as responsible as her hanging around her Addicted BF and her drug dealing cousin, but still responsible in some way.

The only thing I wanted and still want for her is for her to get and stay clean, to get her life back in order, to get her daughter back, and for her to have a good and happy life. Even if that means I'm not in it.

And from the looks of things now, considering she doesn't want anything to do with me. For what reason I don't even know. That seems a very good possibility.

Maybe someday she and I will be on talking terms again. Maybe not, I don't know. But for now I am trying to put her out of my mind, take some time for myself and work on my own issues for a while. I think thats the best not only for me but her as well.

I still care about her and find myself thinking about her briefly before I make myself think of something else. Its only been a little more than a week since I've seen her but I'm already finding it easier to put her out of my mind and concentrate on other things in my life.

I have no doubt that I will have days that I just can't seem to get her out of my mind and miss her terribly. But I will deal with them as they come.

I am giving myself at least a month away from the bar where she works. I think I will have a better chance of getting my head screwed on straight if I am not running into her 2 or 3 times every week. After that we'll see what happens.

Wish me luck!