Lost83

I've only posted on this forum once or twice in the past couple months. Here's the shortest version of the story, I'm 25 been with my husband for 10 years come March married for 3. We have a 17 month old son. July of last year we moved in with my father as we both took significant paycuts and wanted a year or so to save and buy a house. Well the weekend after we moved in (4th of July weekend) the cops were banging on my window at 9 am telling me I had to come get my son and my car that my husband was being arrested for posession of roxycodone. WHAT!?!? I was so pi$$ed. So this being his first arrest ever and me being completely blind sided by this, I bailed him out. He detoxed at home and started attending NA at my request (or he had to get out) 3 days after he got out of jail. Then his court date came and they put him in a pretrial intervention program to which if he completes he would have no criminal record which involves court ordered classes 4 days per week and a minimum of one NA class per week. He would get to his 30 mark and relapse, stole money, pawned jewlery etc. Got sent to a 3 day detox then went 67 days clean. 2 weeks ago he took money out of our savings and lied about where it went. That was the last straw, I can't continue to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, so I told him to get his stuff and get out before I got home from work. He did. He was gone for a week before he wound up in jail awaiting bedspace in a 6 month residential program. I cannot believe this is my life. We tried to conceive for 2 whole years before being successful, we were the envy of all our friends as far as our relationship was concerned, we were perfect for each other. Now I am faced with the hardest decision of my life, do I file for divorce while he is in jail or treatment? I truly believe our marriage is beyond repair. He has repeatedly manipulated, lied to, and stolen from me and our family. He endangered our son when he took him to buy drugs (and he hasn't taken our son anywhere without me being there since July). I tried to hard to support him as I saw he was trying. He had a sponsor, was working the steps, I thought we were in the clear. Evidently not. Now I just don't know what to do, financially I am devastated without his income. Even living with my father doesn't help with the debt he has incurred over the past several months. I just want it to be final, I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night. This is someone I chose to be with and he completely disregards my feelings and his sons needs. I am just so confused right now. I am glad that he is gone, but the thought of him sitting behind bars makes me sick to my stomach. I still love him, but am so angry that I don't believe in my heart I can ever forgive him for giving up on his family. Ug, life sux sometimes.

rayofsunshine

Sorry you're going through this. My soon to be ex AH was in prison 2 years, on parole
for 9months... slowly went downhill towards the end. Now has been gone 4 months, abandoned me & the kids. Still breaking in stealing stuff while I'm at work. I have papers in the works for a divorce and hopefully a court order to keep him away from the house.

I say you can only save yourself and your child at this point. Addicts are going to do what they are going to do. If you want to file for divorce, do it for you and your sanity.
Or, if you want to wait it out, either way continue to work on your recovery, gain all the knowledge you can about addiction, go to meetings, come here and read and post, etc.
If you file for divorce, and he later proves that he wants recovery and works hard at it,
you can always get back together. It's your call.

Lost83

I've pretty much got through this attending his meetings and just became obessed reading about addiction and others stories. I know what needs to be done, and I did it, it doesn't make it any easier but I did what had to be done. I am absolutely divorcing him and when and if the future brings us back together I will be completely self sufficient and won't even consider the notion of getting remarried but possibly date. I can't say I don't want that to happen, but I am also not going to put my life on hold any longer waiting for him to want to get better. It's not healthy for me or my son. It's a struggle everyday not to worry about him and what he is going through and to just focus on what I have control over. Thanks for listenign.

Seren

Hi Lost,

Glad you're here! What a tough position to be in right now for you and your son. My only offering is: remember you don't have to make all your decisions at once. If you need time to think things through and make choices that are best for you and your son, you deserve that time.

Hugs to you! Good luck with all of your decisions!!
HG

racaple78

Honey I feel your pain. I am in the EXACT same boat as you are. I separated from my AH last September, filed for divorce in November, and he's since been arrested w/ drug possession charges and is awaiting trail soon. Everything about these circumstances is so surreal, isn't it? I too had a wonderful marriage with him before drugs became involved, it seems like it sucks the life out of our loved ones, and throws us these horrible, selfish, scumbag versions of the people we thought we once knew.

Unfortunately, you cannot do anything but move forward with your own life, and for the life of your son. I was constantly reminded to think first and foremost about what is best for my kids, and I am now reminding you of the same (though you obviously already know.) You are doing the right thing, I think. Bear in mind that divorce is painful, and one of the most stressful things that a person has gone through. But I also think in my mind, that I am no longer living with danger going on behind my back, I am no longer worried all the time, me and the kids have recieved tremendous support from family and friends, we are very fortunate in that regard, so all in all, life is going to get better for us, as I'm sure it can get for you as well.

Just pray. I sometimes tortured myself with the thought that I was "abandoning" my husband or our wedding vows of through sickness and health.....but I am sure that God doesn't want you to endanger yourself or your child. Your husband has committed an act of "fornication" in a sense; he chose to do these drugs over staying away from them and committing to his role as a father and husband, and therefore I think it would be ok for you to stay away at least, and if divorce is your choice, then it is your choice. Take your time with it, but definitely keep your distance, and DON'T listen to any manipulation he may throw your way.

I know you love him. But right now its best for you to love yourself and your son even more. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Lost83

THank you all for your replies. My son has been battling the croup for the past 2 months, it's scary he wakes up can't breath. I have to keep him calm, sit in the steamy bathroom. Anywho, I was on my way to take him to the doc (they give him steroids) and my phone rings. It was my husbands cell mate :wtf2 saying he asked him to call me and tell me he has been thinking about me and hopes when I can visit I will. I said thanks and hung up. Immediately I was mad, why would he give my number to another criminal, he didn't bother to try and contact me so why would he let someone else. Then I drop my son off to my Mom and go to work, I have an email from the jail saying he was released to the rehab. Now I'm second guessing my choice for divorce. As much as I want to be mad that someone called me to let me know he was thinking of me, I still do love and miss the man I fell in love with and he has been gone for 2 years. So now I am thinking that regardless of the lies, thefts, relapses, etc. if this is what he really needed, to sit in jail for a week nad go to rehab for 6 months. I always believed he could do this in society, keep his job, go to his meetings, work his steps and his program. He made me believe he could. So when he made the choice to go to rehab I thought of it as he abandoned his family. I kicked him out a week earlier and he only had one week where he was staying so I thought he decided he would use and get put away so he wouldn't have to try and find a place to go. Maybe he just didn't want to admit he was too weak to do this without some major help. Perhaps my anger is getting in the way of his recovery, I just don't know anymore, I am so confused.

winnie12

Whatever happened in the past is the past and his drug use is not your fault.

sometimes making a decision not to decide yet is the perfect decision. He's going to be in rehab for a while and that gives you the opportunity to work on yourself and figure out what you want. if anyone asks - just say I dont know.

Lost83

Thank you Winnie. I guess you're right. I was so hurt and adamant that this was it, I refuse to let him take from me and our son and continually hurt us. I was stuck on divorce. I felt like everyone around me was trying to talk me out of it so I became defensive and just wondered why they would want me to continue hurting like this. The reality of it is, they know what he is capable of, they know he has potential and they've seen the best and worst of him. I've always given him consequences for his actions (man I am so relieved not to have to play warden anymore) and never gave empty threats. I told him if he did this again I would divorce so by backing down, I feel like I'm giving in. But why punish myself? I'll just have to let it go for now and worry about today. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at time. What a mess this is, just one big nightmare that I can't wake up from.

rayofsunshine

Remember...look at his ACTIONS, not words. And take it slow.... you've got time to think about what you want for the future while he's in rehab. It is painful to watch the person you love disappear. We love them and hope that the person we love will return. You'll know in time if he is sincerely working his recovery. Take some time just for you, do something nice for yourself.

Lost83

It's been a while since I posted, my ah spent a week in jail in January and then was transferred to a residential rehab for 6 months. He writes and calls and I know talk is cheap at this juncture but for some reason, I am hanging on to this hope that this may potentially be what he needed all along. So I am struggling with the decision of whether or not I give us another go. Is it worth the risk of being heart broken all over again.

I never was an enabler, I never made empty threats, I followed through everything I said, and always held him accountable for his actions, even up to the point where I finally had to let him go and kick him out, all his chances had been exhausted. He did manipulate me quite a bit or tried should I say. Once I was on to him and became aware of his addiction, the manipulation didn't work so it would cause huge arguments because I wouldn't cave. Anyways, back to the point, I don't want to "give up" just yet, but it's hard to let my guard down and allow him to come back into my space when it's taken me these past 6 weeks to get where I am today which is confident, serene (to an extent), happy and FREE from dealing with his drama on a daily basis, free from playing detective and warden of the money. Free from all these chains that I had holding me back from living the life I wanted because I was too wrapped up trying to make sure he didn't fall off track and if he did, I was there to "enforce" the consequences that I bestowed upon him in order to call his bluff, he had been able to manipulate me in the past when I couldn't see what was going on but upon his arrest and self admission of a drug problem, everything made sense to me and all benefit of the doubts went out the window. Now I don't question or second guess myself, I know when something is up. I guess my question is how many times do I have to be kicked in the face before I finally realize that there are some people who just don't want to help themselves? Or am I jumping the gun and assuming this program will do him no good without giving him a fair chance? I had many more good years than bad with him and if it took this to turn him around, then I don't want to punish either of us for something that years down the line will just be considered a bump in the road verses the end of the road. Am I making any sense or is it just false hope? Has anyone had experience with a loved one getting out of a 6 month rehab and successfully staying clean? Is it possible this could be what turns him around? If so how do I refrain from the behaviors I displayed before he went away, always suspicious, questioning him, drug testing him, telling him where and when he could and couldn't come and go, checking his phone records etc. I don't want to do that anymore, I want him to just do the right thing without me having to intervene. Advice, suggestions, anything......

winnie12

Maybe he should try a sober living environment when he gets out - that way you can both test the waters and see. You wont put yourself or your child in danger but still give it the time it needs to see if this is something you want.

Serenity Bound

Lost, I agree with winnie. Perhaps it would be best for all of you if he goes to sober living first. Remember, ACTIONS speak louder than words.

I didn't see in your other posts, if you have attended either Alanon or Naranon meetings.
These meetings are for YOU, and can be very beneficial.

Also, do NOT feel that you have to make a decision right now. Give it time.

Hugs,
Chris

kj3880

I think move on with your life without him. You are a good strong woman, though young, and it seems to me you will be better off by yourself. Get free and divorce him. You have nothing to be sorry for. He had enough chances, as far as I am concerned. I think you know that divorce is the right thing to do. You will never get universal approval for anything you decide, so don't wait for it. Just get the heck out of this. While he is in jail is the best time to do it, because any custody decision will be in your favor. Get it over with, I think, if you want my advice.

Love,
KJ

hello-kitty

Lost. Thanks for the update.

No you are not jumping the gun to protect you and your family from his addiction. It's what an addict does AFTER he gets out of a program that counts. That's when he shows you that he is committed to staying off drugs. It's much easier to stay clean in jail and in an inpatient program, then it is on the outside.

I ask myself this question on a daily basis sister. YOU are not alone. There is a quote from the AA Big Book that says "some people are not capable of the rigorous honesty required for recovery." (or something like that). I believe my ex may be one of these people. Even when he isn't using drugs, he still acts like an addict.

Winnie is so right about the sober living facility. I hope you will seriously consider not letting him back into the family home immediately once he is released. I screwed up and let my ex back into the family home and it only devestated his son when he deserted us to go chase drugs AGAIN. If you insist on sober living facility (and you will find that ALL professional drug rehab counselors recommend this as a next step for recovering addicts), it will give you an opportunity to see how serious he is about recovery.

Good luck sweetie. And thanks for posting. It's a tough hall to be responsible for a little boy all by yourself, but its even tougher trying to take care of a child AND trying to cope with an addict at the same time. Especially when they don't take recovery seriously.

Also, Chris is so right about a support network. I don't think I would have survived my situation without F2F support. I haven't gone to any meetings but I'm an idiot for not going. I am 100% honest about my situation with family and friends though - which is helpful. It makes me accountable for my actions and my personal boundaries. We are only as sick as our secrets. And in case of addicts, the secrets we keep can be very sick indeed.

CAPTAINZING2000

The bad thing about being involved with alcholics and addicts, we take everyone that loves us down the toilet with them.

Anytime kids are involved, get out, get out, get out.

A small child should never have to be placed in this type of enviroment.

Lost83

Thank you all for your replies. I have said this to him time and time again, I can't predict the future and everyone does well when they are in a controlled environment, it's what you do outside of that environment that scares me.

I personally have not attended any naranon meetings, I showed up once and there were only 2 people there unlike the NA meetings I attended with my husband where you can sit back and observe until you are comfortable enough to speak because the room is filled. I never went back or tried another one. I am very open and honest with my friends and family, I do not try and shelter him from any humility. I have been reading about addiction and learning about if for nearly a year now. It's almost become an obsession because I want to understand it.

I am most certainly not going to jump into divorce until I am absolutely ready. It may take one more kick for me to get there but half of me knows in my heart (and that's the problem, my brain says different) that he IS going to change. Ug, perhaps the sober living facility is the place to go so I don't have to worry about the bank account and his whereabouts. It is all up to him to make all the decisions in his life. To prove to himself first and foremost that he is capable of surviving this world of temptation without using. I think that's the route I am going to go.

Thank you all again for taking the time to reply. I appreciate all of your response. :ghug:

CAPTAINZING2000

Wouldn't want child and welfare take your kids away from something he might be doing.

I grit my teeth on the court ordered counselling. One NA or AA meeting a week isn't enough for a person in early recovery. In my opinion

Lost83

When he got arrested and this entire addiction came to light my response was you get help or get out. 3 days into his detox I attended his first NA meeting with him, from that day forward he attended meetings every single day, got a sponsor, started his step work, relapsed, kept coming back. Then when he went to court, they offered him pretrial intervention, he has no prior record and upon completion he would have no charges filed again his. This program required him to attend court ordered group counseling 4 days per week with a minimum of 1 NA meeting per week, he still attended 4 na meetings per week Thur, Fri, Sat, & Sun and court ordered meetings directly after work for 1.5 hours on Mon, Tues, Wed, Frid. he would double up his meetings on Friday as they have a 10 pm candlelight meeting that he enjoyed. We started attending NA functions such as bbq's bowling and just really became active in his recovery but he still relapsed. He like NA and has a lot of NA friends and a huge sponsor family but every time he would get to 30 or past 60 days he would relapse.

My number one is my child and NO ONE will ever take him from me as I am a competent parent, no record, no drug use and I do not allow my husband to take my son anywhere unless I am present. I will protect him at all costs. I just wanted to share a little more background with you so that you may have a better understanding of the recovery he had already been involved in.

catlovermi

One of the things I've learned in my Alanon work is that we have a tendency toward limited thinking.

We block off options without realizing it, we polarize solutions to either black or white without realizing it, we attach emotional or moral value to decisions without realizing it.

Please realize that if you want to and need to, you can physically or legally separate from him without it being nasty and punitive. You can still be supportive of him as a person and him in recovery, without being "with" him or living in the same space.

It can be something you do for space for both him and you, so you both can develop where you will, until a point where you know if being together long term is a viable option.

Getting apart from him DOES NOT have to mean you are abandoning him, have given up hope for your relationship, or that you are punishing him. He may interpret it that way, but you don't control how he feels, only how you act.

Really stretch yourself to SEE the options out there for you, and realize those blind spots where you could be unintentionally or subconsciously limiting your options.

Sending encouragement,
CLMI

CAPTAINZING2000

Has he got using friends coming around then?

Or, he just snapped and went out to get high?