Sorta new here
 

Hi all,
I've been on these boards in the past when I needed (and got) support because I was involved with an alcoholic (thank God those days are past!). I learned a lot then and I'm hoping to learn a lot now.

I'm involved (living with) an absolutely wonderful man... no problems there. The problem, it seems, is with is son who recently moved in with us after being in rehab and then a half way house. Seems he couldn't get along with the others in the half way house (they were all out to get him in one fashion or another) so his dad said he could move in. We agreed that it'd be for a period no longer than six months, that he must get a job and he must not use.

So far, he's done nothing but lay around (eating us out of house and home), watch tv, talk on his phone and collect his unemployment checks. The minute his check comes, he's off to the bus terminal in the city (you know, where most of the addicts hang out). In the month he's been here he's "lost" two checks. One he left laying in the back seat of the car and "someone stole it", the other he cashed and put into his pocket (that supposedly had a hole big enough to fit his fist through) and the money "fell out". There were so many inconsistencies with his story that I just blew it off completely and I brought the inconsistencies to his dad's attention.

I don't know what he's using but the one time he went to the city, he came back in an almost manic state. I've come to notice that that has become "normal" (although somewhat less obvious) when he's been out. I should add that this manic state was followed by him drinking copious amounts of liquids (all night long) in what I can only assume was an attempt to flush whatever he was using out of his system. But that too has become "normal"

Dad thinks I'm being over critical of Jr... He believes everything Jr has to say. I, on the other hand, overheard Jr on the telephone, lying through his teeth to someone who he evidently owes money to... The lying was so effortless and convincing that *I* almost believed him! I brought this to Dad's attn as well.

Jr comes off as a very sweet and innocent guy (who's 30 years old, btw). He has those big puppy dog eyes and baby face that hide what's really going on.

Today I went into his room to look for one of my sweaters - I opened a drawer to see if it was in there and, lo and behold, a vial of urine!!! I'm stuck... I don't know what to do or say or.... So I took it, emptied part of it into the toilet and replaced it with ice tea and water... LOL Yeah, that was evil but he needs to be "caught" and so far he's been absolutely flawless in fooling everyone from his counselors to his probation officer to his father...

Should I sit back and let the chips fall where they may or should I say something to his dad?

Cadence, Wow it certainly seems that Dad is in denial & clueless. (I was too, many years ago) If it were me, I think I'd just let it roll. Why would Dad even let him stay when already Jr is not living up to the rules, No Job?

If Jr is going to be in your life, I think it would be beneficial for both you & Dad to get to some Nar-Anon meetings. IMO

So this 30 year old has blown the conditions and dad is fine with it. Not much you can do about either of them.

Is this the way you want to live your life? Do you want this guy's addiction and chaos to be the focal point in your life?

Regardless of what you do, watch your wallet, information and valuables.

((Cadence))

Welcome to SR!

I see lots of red flags in the son's behavior, and am a recovering addict. It appears his dad is in major denial.

I agree with out-to-lunch..is this acceptable to you? From the sounds of it, this may go on for a very long time. Just as you can't make an addict hit bottom, you can't make a codie hit bottom either....they each have to find their bottoms in their own time. The best thing you can do, is not enable either of them....and again, watch your valuables.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Thanks for the input, everyone :)
Good news: Jr was arrested ("walking on the street after coming from an na meeting") -- that's his story - I'm thinking he was probably engaged in a transaction and got caught... not a moment too soon. I told dad about Jrs urine stash... He said he's going to let him sit it out in jail... hopefully he will.