justtired

So I took a long hard look at my relationship with my abf...and also at myself. My life had become all about him and what HE wants. I've been there for his family, for him and have immersed myself into our business that is really far more his baby than mine. I've been talking to a counselor to sort out my feelings (and coming here) and have been making a conscious effort to do things for myself lately. I visited my friend who recently had a baby over this past weekend. Went out for a drink after work Friday night with an old (female) coworker of mine. Nothing outrageous or crazy. I have been acting different at home because I don't know how I feel about my abf and my life together, and am trying to take some time to sort it out. So add these things up and of course the answer is that... I'm cheating. At least that's what he's accusing me of. I left 10 minutes early for work today. 10 MINUTES! And then I get a phone call at work from him asking who "he" is. I already told him I'm not cheating and I just said, we already had this discussion and I'm at work. We'll talk later when I get home. He told me he doesn't believe me and I told him that he can choose to believe what he wants, but that I'm not lying to him. He's been acting strange and I've been wondering if he doesn't still have a prescription for xanax. He always got very paranoid and irritating and completely inconsiderate when he abused it. He at one time had two prescriptions from different doctors and I know one he doesn't have anymore but I wonder if he still has the other one. Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent. I feel like, of course I can't be upset or acting different because of something HE did. Certainly if I'm acting different towards him, it must be because I'M doing something wrong!

Serenity Bound

justtired, you are doing something different, you are looking after YOU, and taking time for YOU. That's awesome, that's a good step. Sounds to me like he (like all addicts) just can't get their mind around that fact that we have a life other than them.

Vent all you want.
Hugs,
Chris

winnie12

Maybe he just knows you deserve better and he's so scared you'll finally realize that?

he sounds so insecure - i find men who are insecure a lot of times tend to be control freaks and like to keep you close to them - sometimes taking it so far as to not want you going anywhere or doing anything. My ex never accused me of cheating but he took away every opportunity i had to have my own life outside of him. His big thing was there was always some reason that he had to have my car so for a few years i just sat here at home (i telecommute) and never left. even if i had to go to the grocery store i had to walk. I remember one time that i was calling him repeatedly at night because i needed to go somewhere - one of his friends answered the phone and asked me why i call him so much nagging him - i told him becuase i'm stuck here at home with two babies without my own car and i need to go places - his friend calmed down then and apologized to me - said he didnt realize and agreed that was unfair to me. It took my pastor to open my eyes to this tactic - he told me that my husband was keeping me home away from everyone and in essence had me emotionally kidnapped. he explained that men do that when they are insecure -keep little wifey home alone where she has no opportunity to realize that she could leave.

I have no words of wisdom because getting through those insecurity issues is really complex and i've never found anything to say that helped. Just dont let him stop you from regaining your life. As a woman i find those insecurities in men very unatractive - i like a secure man not one you have to reassure constantly.

Chrysalis123

Do you think he is projecting? By that I mean perhaps he has in the past cheated on his SO. Because if he did, in his world this is OK and he may assume since he thinks that so do you. Hence he projects this onto you.

123bubblegum123

Yea, every boyfriend I've had has cheated. And how could I tell? The second they'd start randomly accusing me of cheating!

justtired

I'm pretty sure that he is not cheating. He was cheated on before and I think just because I'm acting a little differently towards him and have been doing things outside of the house more that that must be the answer. I just don't think he wants to accept my change in behavior as a consequence of HIS OWN actions.

My bf was very insecure when we first met. He used to drive me crazy with questions of where I was going / what I was doing. He became more secure over the years, but of course I stopped doing as much without him too. I'm pretty sure that he would SAY he was okay with my doing things because he knows that he SHOULD BE okay with it, not necessarily because he actually was.

I won't stop doing the things that I want. I already have plans with friends two nights this week(end) and refuse to miss out because of him. I'm finding the insecurity more and more annoying. I can feel myself coming to the end of my rope with him and his addict / insecure behavior. I'm still pretty sure that part of this newest accusation is due to the med abuse. He's accused me of all kinds of dumb stuff while messed up on narcotics.

MrsMagoo

When I started doing things for myself, my AH accused me of cheating too. I think it's a deflection tool and although he claimed he wanted me to have a life aside from him....when I got one (through Church of all things), suddenly I was having an affair! Of course, that night he was drinking again and I didn't rise to the occassion and fight back with him (another good sign), I just waited for him to sober up and in the morning and reiterated that I was NOT cheating on him, that I was at a Celebrate Recovery meeting and based on his multiple relapses, if I wanted to cheat, I wouldn't have invited him back into the home and could certainly insist that he leave.

He was feeling guilty for drinking. He knew he did wrong and wanted to put the attention on me instead of him.

justtired

I bet you hit the nail on the head with that. Thank you.

laurie6781

When I first read your post this morning, I started to laugh. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, I just had to laugh.

The behavior is "classic." You see, if he keeps you "off balance" then you won't be looking at him, rofl

Sorry, I am still chuckling.

He is STILL QUACKING. Let him QUACK If your 'gut' says 'he's using' he probably is.

J M H O

LOve and hugs,

BayAreaPhoenix

He is baiting the hook and trying to reel you back in!!!!!

Oh yes, as Laurie said - it is classic!!!

He wants his comfort zone. Doesn't matter why. For years I thought my AH played these odd little games because he had been hurt in the past, etc. Now I see it for what it was. He didn't really care what I was doing, just so long as he was still my #1 priority, and when he felt attention shifting away from him, some ridiculous accusation would come forth and I would then buckle down to show him that he is the center of my life and how much I love him, blah blah blah. What a sucker I was!!!!

Keep doing what you're doing. Don't get bamboozled. Doesn't matter why he's acting this way, with pills or without.

(((hugs))) to you!

justtired

Thanks Laurie. I'm glad I could give you a laugh today. In a way it's funny, but geez is it dumb! Thank you for helping me see the humor in it!

justtired

Thank you for helping me see the motives of his actions more clearly. But why "bait the hook" with stupidity? Why not actually be NICE and try to "reel me back in" THAT way?

I told a friend of mine today that I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with this relationship and he's not doing himself any favors by acting like an idiot. I have a place to stay for a while all lined up so I'm good to go if and when I make the decision to leave. He's walking on thin ice right now because I'm really running out of patience.

Thanks everyone for your responses! Good to know that others have been through all this crazy behavior and it's not just me!

123bubblegum123

Upon re-reading your post, maybe he's just not used to you putting YOURSELF first? As time goes on I'm sure he'll learn that part of a healthy relationship is space and respect, and that he'll have to give you both of those if he wants to keep you!

peaceteach

My exAH (alcoholic) always had that "cheating" line whenever I questioned him or stood up for myself. Funny, he never realized that it was him all along that was causing me anguish and creating the distance. I think he might now (divorced + years).

winnie12

If you give a man a fish he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime.
If you give an addict a fishing pole, he'll look at you like your crazy, light a joint, and ask you what the he!! you did with his dinner.

justtired

Okay, so we talked briefly last night about his accusations (he didn't get home until 10:00) and I actually laughed in my head a little bit. Only in my head mind you because I was SO MAD at him at the time. When I said that I wasn't cheating and didn't appreciate being accused of it, he said, most people if they were accused of cheating would try to PROVE to the person that they aren't! I said, well how exactly do you expect me to prove that to you? I TOLD you that I'm not. I'm MAD at you for accusing me of doing something I'm not and I have the right to act mad. He told me that I never take responsibility when things go wrong in our relationship. I told him that I admit that I've been acting differently towards him, but that doesn't mean I'm cheating or don't care.

He wants to know what's bothering me and he has every right to know. Problem is, I'm not sure that If I'm completely honest with him that we're still going to be together. He's still abusing his meds. and he won't admit that he is. I've looked at our past and all the times I've been hurt and I don't want to do it anymore. WHAT AM I WAITING FOR??? I'm not sure. I don't think it's going to get better. But I guess I kind of feel guilty. Here he is... on the verge of proposing and asking me to spend my LIFE with him... and I'm going to break his heart? What kind of person DOES THAT??? I'm horrible at making things final. Seriously BAD at it. I work in marketing and part of my job is graphic design. It's so bad that I have a hard time even sending a final project to the printer. Because once it's there, it's FINAL. I mean, is there a reason to wait? Or is it like pulling off a band aid. I feel like all of this has just recently hit me and I shouldn't make any kind of rash decision. But at the same time I feel like, why am I waiting for? It's not going to get easier. There is no sign he's going to change. JUST DO IT! Any thoughts or suggestions? Its just so hard to think about hurting someone who totally believes in you and along with that moving forward into a brand new life. I'm scared and unsure. Any words of wisdom???

winnie12

Since you are worried about hurting him then lets look at it from a different perspective, i would suggest that it would be much less painful to tell him how you feel before he proposes. That's going to hurt a lot less then if you tell him right after he has proposed. I'm still shaking my head a little wondering why a man would be on the verge of proposing if he thinks you are cheating but who am i to judge him, just makes me think that he is thinking the "prospect" of his proposal may be another way to control you.

Whatever happens you are going to feel so free once you finally get this off your chest. I always find that instead of saying accusatory things like "you're a drug addict" you say "i cant be around drugs and dont want them in my life." Just like with my AS i didnt say you have to stop using drugs but instead said I cant have drugs in my home.

Limiya

That whole blaming tactic on you by him saying you're the one that doesn't take responisibility for things wrong in the relationship is typical. Especially where he said you'd prove you weren't cheating.
My abf says those things when he's using only. I know i am not causing problems in the relationship as i get on with my own things. But i know if i did cause somethin wrong, i'd change it. They love shifting the blame. It's natural to them.

I can't tell you what to do, but just go with your gut instincts. Maybe seperate for a while and see how you feel? If you feel better then you know to make it permanant.
I hope your head clears soon. It's horrible when it's so mixed up like this.

justtired

Winnie - He was planning to propose before all of this stuff happened. Actually, he was planning for last June. Then a bunch of stuff happened. Then he was going to on Christmas and stuff happened. Seems "stuff" just keeps happening. But he just recently started with the thinking I was cheating because, now that things calmed down a bit and everything has sunk in, I'm acting different and thinking different. You're right about not making it about him, but about not wanting to be around that kind of activity. It's just so hard because he is in denial and I have told him that basically before and he just tells me that everything's fine.

Limiya - I agree he is shifting the blame. I do know that the fact that I've been acting different towards him has made him uncomfortable and nervous not exactly knowing what's wrong. So that is my doing. But I'm not responsible for his response to me acting that way. Separating for a while is a good idea, but I'm not sure how that will go over. I told him once almost 2 years ago probably now that I was going to stay with a friend for a couple days while I tried to figure out what I wanted. He told me that if I left, that it was over because he wasn't going to wait around for a week waiting to see if I was still going to be with him or not. It made me stay then because I wasn't ready to make that decision. It's manipulative, but at the same time I wouldn't want to wait around either to see if the person I want to be with wants to be with me too. I hope everything clears for me too. It's so hard to make a decision. Guess I just need to be honest with him and what happens happens.

UNHAPPY777

I read your post yesterday and said WOW how could he say these things after he was out creating havoc. BUT now last night my AH accused me of the same thing because I was going to send a NFL text to all the guys on my phone list including my cousins-cousin(hope you understand The other side of the family). Now this is a guy who's mother babysit for my parents(my uncles(dad's brother) wifes sister) when my brother and I were babies. we grew up as cousins. Believe me if i wanted this guy I could have had him years ago.LOL Him and his wife have been so helpful while I was going through this situation of addiction. HOW DARE my AH accuse me now. Just know your not alone and I have the same problem. But believe me he can kiss where the sun don't shine because it's not about him right now and I have self respect and dignity that I have to live with today, tomorrow and always!!!!!