bf in 6mo rtc--can they make strides/change in 1mo 1/2???
 

my bf has been in a 6mo residential rehab for over 1mo 1/2. His letters have been like a person i dont know. He has phone privliges now and he sounds like a person i dont know.

do you think he is quacking or could he be changed? Im keeping my guard up cuz i still dont trust.

if you have followed some of my other posts you may know some of my story.
yvonne

It may just be me, but I wouldn't trust a thing anyone says while they are in jail or in rehab. It's real easy to make promises in a controlled environment, but real hard to follow through on them once the structure is gone and your every move isn't being monitored.

It doesn't mean I don't encourage people who are making attempts at recovery. I think it's great. But I wouldn't base my future on promises being made by someone who doesn't have a good responsible history of following through on them.

Actions not words.

Have you thought about what your personal boundaries are? About what kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life and what the consequences will be if someone violates your personal boundaries?

Again, Actions not words.

After he's out, does he diligently look for and find a job and a place to live NOT WITH YOU. Does he go to meetings? Does he meet with his sponsor regularly? Are his 'actions' coinciding with his words?

Right now, I would NOT believe a word coming out of his mouth, he is STILL QUACKING.

Recovery is not a 3 month or a 6 month project. Recovery is LIFE CONSUMING especially in the first several years.

Keep your distance, watch from the sidelines, and PLEASE develop a "Wait and See Attitude."

J M H O from almost 28 years in continuous recovery from Alcohol and drugs, and almost 25 years continuous recovery in AlAnon.

Love and hugs,

When my daughter was in rehab and a halfway house, I noticed a real difference in her, although she did and still does have addict behaviors. She kept to her word and got a job, is still attending meetings and paying off her debts. She went to rehab because she was ready to change her life. Hugs, Marle

Looking back i see it as cycles. When my son would be about 4-6 weeks clean is when his mind would start to come back and he would start sounding like the old him and saying things that were more realistic. what i try to remember is that he is in a sober environment, hearing these things all day long. It doesnt take too much to be sober and saying healthy things in these environments its what they do when they get out of these environments that really shows you if they have changed. Its not that I dont believe him its just that I know that he's not in his real life with real situations that give him opportunity and reason to change his mind. We are all subject to the environments we are in. I personally take it all with a grain of salt. Its positive that some of this getting through but the real proof of recovery comes when he's in the real world.

Actions speak louder than words. IMO Believe none of what you hear and only 1/2 of what you see.

This is the guy who, 6 days ago, was blaming you for his last relapse?

Can you hear the Quack?

It's really good that you recognize it as what it is... A person you don't know.
I mistook his caring behavior in rehab for "oh, there's the man I fell in love with."
Instead I think it should have been "oh, there's the version of him when he was on coke and trying really hard to make me happy so i wouldn't see how f***ed up he was"

there's probably a lot going through his mind right now and i'm guessing it will be a long time (for both of us) until you (or me either) see him for himself.

oh this thread scares me... my ABF is or at least seems to be going down the right path... now I'm worried.

Thank you Judy. I really appreciate your words.

I've found it easier not to look at it as don't trust; I view it as my responsibility in my own recovery to not create expectations or control what is not mine to control. It keeps the focus on me and my conduct rather than judging someone else. I realized this worked for me after several times where I would build my own little world of expectations and what I thought was the right path, and then harbor all kinds of resentments when my child could not meet the challenge - a challenge she knew nothing about, of course, since I planned it all and just assumed my way was the right way.

I will never regret the times that I visited my daughter in rehab and laughed and enjoyed seeing "her" and not the active addict, and hugged her and told her I believed in her. I will always treasure the look on her face when she had a day pass and we went out on wave runners. That smile, the laughter, the look that was the daughter who was buried beneath the disease for the year before this is a memory that will comfort me for a lifetime. I knew I could not tell what the future would bring and I still needed to protect myself financially and protect her from my enabling, but just for that day, it was wonderful to enjoy being together.

Shamed...yes, to me the worst part of this horrible disease is the guilt and shame aspects... a big part of the cycle and the dance for both addicts and codependents. As long as I work on me and keep the inventory taking to my own "stock" I hope not to perpetuate that guilt and shame. Sometimes I think that doing that and showing by my actions that I love and believe in my loved ones' abilities to take care of themselves are the best ways I can support my addict in recovery.

I hope you can enjoy the pleasure of this time with your loved one and not project what will happen next. Hugs

please elaborate on this.. why are you worried just after reading this thread?

Judy great post. I guess I think of it as staying in the present and not getting to caught up in the future promises of a person who is in rehab.

As an addict - today I can be completely committed to staying off drugs. However, tomorrow I could relapse. My friends and family have no control over what I might do should I start thinking about using drugs again. And I certainly wouldn't tell them I was thinking about relapsing should the thought enter my mind.

From the other perspective:

As a family member of an addict - I only have control over whether or not I let myself get to caught up in the promises of a person who has never followed through on his promises to me. I need to recognize that there is always a possibility that an addict may relapse. Therefore, it is my responsibility to take care of myself no matter what - and not believe immediately believe hype of someone who has only been clean for a week, or a month. Time will tell...

but, also from the point of view of a family member or loved one, there are times in your relationship when you need to make plans based on what they say.

if they are making an honest effort to get clean, then i may be willing to give them another (or even several) chance(s), but, if everything they're saying is just hype, it might be worth walking away right now.
it's hard to know when to make that call.

my problem that i was having when my addict was in treatment was that our family therapy would ask "well, kathryn, after hearing this and hearing him say that he wants to stay clean and he wants to have a good relationship with you, are you willing to give this relationship another try?" and i would say "well, i know that he means what he says RIGHT NOW, but when he get's home, will he feel the same way?"
almost everytime he came home messed up on cocaine, he would try to hide it. i would nicely ask him if he had been doing coke, and he would (sometimes) say yes. then usually i'd get upset, and he'd feel guilty and say "i didn't tell you because i feel so bad about it. i don't want to do it anymore. i hate the way i feel afterwards, it's not worth it. i'm not hanging out with *so 'n' so* anymore."
and i'm convinced that, at the time, he was telling the truth. he really meant what he was saying.

its just that, a week later he changed his mind.
or he found another drug to do.

if i had been able to discern the bullsh*t from the truth, then i probably would have left a long time ago.


so, sometimes we kind of have to depend on what they say and "really mean" to make some decisions.

Oh this is so true
 

Holy moly these are so true!!!

it sounds right, being in a controlled enviroment would cause ppl to be talking so diffferently.

You know, when i met my bf he was not this nice....so...im getting to know a person little by little (mail, 2 ph calls a week) that i never knew. I didnt fall in love w/the perfect person/man. He is sounding very different now, like someone i dont know.

thank you for this. i realize i am in unchartered waters at this point-for me. not even 2 months into rehab and im worrying bout when he is out. am sticking by him and taking the wait and see route. so far he is speaking differently. he is sounding like he is sick of being sick, dependent on a drug.

this is good information. makes alot of sense. we cannot control anybody and focusing on ourselves is the best thing to do sometimes. thank you for your insight! very helpful. :praying