Omg!!! I need help!!!!

Old 01-25-2009, 02:28 PM
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Location: Philadelphia, PA
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Omg!!! I need help!!!!

Hello all! For most of you here you probably have been following my story of HF relapsing, stealing jewelry from me, making amends by at least getting my ring returned to me, moving out of his place and into sober living. Well, if the story couldn't get any worse, it has. On Wednesday night he was on his way to see me to say goodbye before going to his temporary housing (sober living). He had all of his life (BC, SS card, TV, Microwave, etc.) packed into his only possession (his car). The police pulled him over, in the worst neighborhood of Philly, and ticketed him for not wearing a seat belt. They ran his name and found that he had a VOP charge from 2002 that he never took care of. I spoke with the jail and they confirmed no new charges and he was there for the VOP charge. WTF!!!! I'm so confused right now. I went to visit him and his once bright blue eyes look so dull and lifeless. He was crying to me and for the first time his lips quivered. He couldn't look me in the eye and he told me that this may be the hardest thing for him to say (to let me go). He said that he doesn't want to let me go but he understands if I want to leave. I'm so torn right now. He was on his way to do the right thing. He was on his way to getting his life back and he is in jail from a VOP charge from 2002. Isn't there a statue of limitations by this point?? Why do I continue to want to stay in this relationship??? I do love him. I care about him deeply and granted that I experienced only 1 relapse with him and now this, I still don't want to walk away. What in the heck is wrong with that???

He cried and stated that his whole life is in his car and if I would be willling to retrieve his car. I still put my boundaries up and told him no. So, his car will either be towed or stolen. Nonetheless, his whole life gone. He has nothing but the clothes he walked into jail with and his wallet. That's it!!! I told him that his whole life will have to stay there and take it's chance. I can't retrieve his car. These are the consequences. He understood.

I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time walking away. I don't want to date anymore. I have been married and divorced. I'm a single mother with a 5 year old. Gratefully, he wasn't exposed to this and won't be. I will never take him to the jail for visits, etc. etc. But, I'm just so into taking care of myself for now, that dating, moving on, etc. is far from my mind but yet I still want to hang on to this guy. I have been without someone for years at a time before so that's not my reason for hurting this much.

We had an awesome relationship before his relapse. We both are so connected to each other. Why is this so hard??

I'm just so confused right now. My heart hurts and my gut isn't telling me to leave. My gut is telling me to live my life one day at a time and wherever the wind blows that is where you will land.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just need some support right now.
Old 01-25-2009, 02:52 PM
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the girl can't help it
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I know this is difficult for you. This is your BF's karma not yours. I do not know what a VOP is but obviously he did not take care of it. He maybe out by Monday morning if this is something non violent and there was no victim involved.

If you feel like you can go get his car it would probably save him some money but if you feel you are doing the right thing by not getting it then don't look back on your decision.

Addiction is complicated on both sides. Consequences happen on both sides of the issue.
If you feel you need to detach from him than do the best you can and just be gentle with yourself.
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Old 01-25-2009, 06:10 PM
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Sending hugs...I know it stinks. I think your gut is sending you the right message when it says live one day at a time and let things unfold as they will. Perhaps seeing how quickly consequences accumulate will strengthen his resolve to do the next right thing. Your focus on yourself and your little one is great - things will unfold as they should. Hugs
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Old 01-25-2009, 07:06 PM
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There's nothing wrong with taking it a day at a time.

My sponsor told me many years ago that I would continue to have consequences of my addictions long after I got into recovery.

I didn't understand that at first.

Today, at almost age 51, I am finally completing my college degree. Why? Because at age 18 I walked away from college and an academic scholarship after only 2 months because I flat out could not attend classes, and yet party and do drugs all night long like I was doing.

A good portion of my adult life was a series of bad choices, and that included years into my recovery. I found myself pregnant shortly after one year clean/sober and there I was a single mother with not one, but two girls to raise then.

I wasn't one of those people either who could raise 2 kids as a single parent, work 2-3 jobs to make ends meet, and attend college full-time, so here I am just now getting it done.

You've done a terrific job of sticking to your boundaries, dear. Feel good about that, live in the moment, and things will work out as they should.
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Old 01-26-2009, 01:49 AM
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I'm sorry this is all happening, but there is no statute of limitations on a violation of probation/parole. And to be honest, most of who have ever violated, KNOW we did it and know it's in our history...we just hope we never get caught. It is one consequence, that I, finally, don't have hanging over MY head any more.

I understand your confusion, but I agree in going with your gut. Yes, he was trying to do the right thing, but this happened because of something he had not dealt with in the past. This is his consequence, and his to deal with. This doesn't have to be the end of his world. I was in the exact same place he jail, on a probation violation, having lost everything but the clothes on my back. That's exactly where I needed to be, to hit bottom.

The people who helped me the most, when I chose recovery, where the ones who said "we love you", occasionally said "we're sorry you're struggling (when I was really, reallystruggling and trying to do right), but stood back and let me find my own way out of the hole I'd dug myself into.

Keeping your focus on you and your child, right now, is the most important thing..that is something you CAN control.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 01-26-2009, 04:10 AM
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You are wise to hold firm to your boundaries and keep a safe distance for now. Also, you are wise to have kept your child uninvolved right now, if these situations throw us off balance, you can imagine what it does to a child.

His life didn't end with his arrest. He has something he must deal with, that's just life on life's terms. He can still continue a good path and stay clean, or he can use this as an excuse to give up and give in.

Funny how it can be with addicts, they may stay clean on their worst day and use on their best day, or vise versa. Thing is, they use or don't use regardless of anything we do or don't do.

I hope that this arrest is exactly what he needs to address cleaning up his past and preparing for new beginnings when it is over.

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Old 01-26-2009, 05:27 AM
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Thanks to everyone for their support. I just have to get myself together. It's good to hear that others on here have moved on with their lives and regained everything that was lost because of their addictions. My BF told me that it was meant to happen now that he got locked up rather than 20yrs. down the road when we have established a strong relationship. He is right. I just have to occupy my time and enjoy my son.

It does make it hard though because you think about them daily. I wish I could turn my mind off completely and forget about him for the moment but that is impossible. Each day will get easier. I'm just hurting right now.
Old 01-26-2009, 05:30 AM
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You are doing what you need to do for yourself and your child. Good for you! You set your boundary and stuck to it. Way to go!

Try not to let your sympathy for him get the better of you. Of course you hurt for him - you are a loving person and you care about him. But as you well know this is HIS problem not yours. I have been trying to teach my son that his choices today can affect his life forever. He doesnt get that. VOP is not going to go away and he knew that he had that charge - he should have taken care of it before now and it was inevitable that he would get picked up - traffic violations is how most VOPs are found so anytime he got in a car he knew he may go back to jail.

I hear this all the time where someone is trying to get their life together and doesnt realize why the past keeps coming up. They think its unfair but its really not unfair - just because you are trying now doesnt mean that the past just goes away. We all have to live with our past mistakes - addressing them before they become problems is the only way to ever really move forward. Can the pregnant teen just take a vow of celabacy and the baby just goes away? of course not - and its no different for our addicts - just getting clean doesnt make all the past go away.
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Old 01-31-2009, 10:07 AM
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I'm dealing with my HBF in jail. The days gets easier and easier. I told him no collect calls. Just letters at this point. I have read on another post to get what you have to say out and then keep your letters about how your days are going. The good. Talk about your job, driving, etc. Just the small things and keep the letters about yourself. I have been trying so hard but at the same time, he is in a better place with a clearer mind to hear how I was affected by all his crap. It's a release for me. He can also take what he wants and leave the rest as I can too.

I just still struggle with staying with him. I haven't heard anything about sentencing and it's making me nervous. I have to keep telling myself that he is in jail and not going anywhere-even after sentencing- so why worry. It's just hard.

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