dj73

AH came out of detox on Fri. He seemed pretty good and happy to be home (should have been a sign.) I was happy to have him home and I felt very supportive since I have gained some understanding about his disease.

Last night he was definitely not feeling well. He fell asleep on the couch, so I come back to SR and start looking around. Something pops out at me about vicodin--a post about constricted pupils. Well, on Fri. night we had a talk about my husbands pupils as he was laying on bed. He said it was because he was looking up at the light.

So I go find the nearest 24hr Walgreens and buy an at home drug test and come home and wait for him to wake up. After I basically say I know he he has used, he owns up to finding 2 pills in one of his hiding spots on Fri. night and taking them, of course. Thankfully, he does not waste the $26 I spent on the test.

I proceed to kind of flip out and tell him to leave. He begs to stay. Says he has to pee at the op rehab on Mon.so he obviously won't be using again. I somehow get to the point of crying and hyperventillating. What is going on? I am saying things like I want to make him hurt like he has hurt me. Feeling very psycho.

After a while I calm down. I ask him to tell truth if he takes the pills. That's all I want. (This is probably not true.) I tell him if he is just honest, because I realize he doesnt' have any control, that I will not make him leave.

Anyhow, I am reading about being codependent, but I had never really come up with a plan for when he slips or relapses.

This is hard!

marle

It is not just the using, it is the behaviors. Do you really think that him telling you that he used will make a difference. Can you still be around the addict behaviors. Those are questions that I had to ask myself about my relationship with my daughter when she was actively using. I knew she was using, she was not living at home and did not try to hide it from me. I could feel compassion for her but I did not want her around except for short periods of time. I learned to respect her right to choose and she respected my right not to have her addiction in my face. You have the right to kick him out or let him stay. But to expect him to be honest is setting yourself up for a lot of resentment. Addicts lie. That is just what they do. Hugs, Marle

outtolunch

A 4 day detox is insignificant. That is apparent given his almost immediate relapse, upon returning home.

Perhaps the anger you are feeling has to do with your expectations and inability to control him and his choices.

Only you can decide if you want to make his active addiction the center of your universe, or not.

Have you considered attending Alanon or Naranon meetings ?

winnie12

You dont just figure out your codie and then stop. Just like they dont just admit they are an addict and stop. You're learning everytime these things happen.

The biggest thing to remember is that you have to set boundaries based on what you are willing to do. If your boundary is that if he uses and has to leave then letting him stay while high tells him that you really dont mean it. So before you go forward really think about what you're willing to enforce. A woman at alanon told me one time that they dont tell us to leave our addict or stay with our addict. What they do is help us find the strength and tools to get through whichever decision we make. If you choose to be with your husband even during relapse and active addiction then you have to accept the fact that you cant change him or make him stop. A wife searching the house and pouring out all the liquor she finds wont stop her husband from drinking anymore than you making your husband submit to drug tests will make him stop.

He does have control (dont kid yourself - he knew where the pills were all along) he may have not learned enough yet about how to stay clean or even be ready yet to handle those temptations but he does have the control - he is the only one with the control. Just like you have control to enforce your boundaries. You dont get to that point overnight so be gentle with yourself.

For right now instead of trying to figure him out and what he is doing why dont you try figuring yourself out, your own motives, and what boundaries you can live with. Maybe take adavantage of his treatment plan to discuss your boundaries - I always find it easier to talk about these things when there are neutral parties involved - keeps him from manipulating me during the conversation.

greeteachday

So true. What I found was that expectation also made me go into super codie relapse. I spent so much time looking at my daughter's eyes, watching her every move, trying to figure out if her smile had a droop to it - the look that I knew meant there were opiates in her system. It got to the point that even if she was clean I was not enjoying the time with her - just looking and watching and worrying and projecting. I couldn't get past the feeling that the real person was gone and the false front of drugs was the mask I saw, and that feeling robbed me of enjoying her company. I had to come to the realization that I could not control her recovery, but I could control my actions and reactions.

Your post reminded me of the first time my daughter went to detox. I had such high expectations since I lacked knowledge of addiction. I thought just getting the drugs out of her system was the "cure" and then all would be well. I did not realize that the drugs are just a symptom of the disease (nor that 3 or 4 days of detox then releaases the addict at the time where the psychological cravings are incredible). It takes much more than cleaning out the system to work recovery, just like it took much more than me wanting to stop the pain to change my behaviors. I had to be willing to do whatever it took to work my own recovery.

It took lots of hard work on my part - coming here, working steps, talking to friends in recovery and going to Naranon, before I made progress in my own recovery and was able to use the tools I needed without slipping back into my prior codie ways. I still face challenges, but I am getting better each day and my tools are becoming habits. The peace, serenity and happiness I've found because I decided I needed to focus on me have made a huge difference in my life - all aspects, not just addiction.

Keep coming back!

Impurrfect

You've gotten some great ES&H above. I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie.

All detox does, is get rid of the drugs in an A's system. Even a lengthy rehab will only give an A the tools to use for recovery..it's up to the A to USE those tools.

Honestly, the thing I've seen work best is for the A to get support for themselves from other recovering addicts, and the loved on to get support for themself from other codies. When we focus on our OWN recoveries, allow each other to work our own program, we're both better off.

The best advice I can give, you've already been given. Decide on boundaries you will stick with. If you make a boundary, then don't stick with it, your A will think he can do whatever he wants and you will allow it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy