MeHandle

Lifting you up

splendra

((((Callie))))

Hang in there kido and let his HP take care of him.

Freedom1990

:ghug :ghug

liesagain

callie................you and your children are in my thoughts. This is one of the most difficult parts.................
hugs

Seren

Hi Callie and good morning!

I hope that your conversation with your kids went as OK as possible last night! (no conversation of the sort can ever be considered "good").

How are you? How did it go?

Hugs, HG

Callie

Thank you so much guys for everything. I spoke with the kids, and initially asked them what THEY thought was going on. They both said basically that mommy was mad @ daddy so that's why daddy wasn't here. (that broke my heart). I said why do you think mommy is mad @ daddy? They said because he sleeps all of the time and doesn't do anything around the house. I said why do you think he does this? They said because daddy is just lazy. I told them the truth about drugs and losing his job, ensured that they knew that daddy loved them, that I would always be there for him. Told them daddy was on drugs (never thought I'd have to utter those words - always thought he'd get right before that happened). I told them it was ok to be mad, sad, angry, hurt, disappointed etc. We all three were crying. I'd spoken with my cousins wife who worked with family services prior to talking with the kids. She reiterated that it was VERY important to be honest and age appropriate. I was I feel. One thing that my kids both wondered is who got AH started on drugs. I said AH made that decision...they were persistant in knowing a NAME of a person who gave daddy those drugs. I said his name is Nick, but there were lots of other people that sold drugs. I said it is up to Daddy to tell them no. I said there were lots of bad people in the world and we need to be strong enough and secure enough in ourselves to deny those bad things.

During the conversation the phone rang - it was AH - I did not and haven't taken his calls since the Walmart thing. About 10 min later AH shows up @ the front door high wanting his laptop. He wanted to look for a job online. (translation he wants to sell it for drugs). I cracked the door about 6 inches and said you need to leave. After about 2 minutes of him saying I just want my laptop, I said please don't make me call the Sherriff on you, you're in enough trouble. He still persisted. I said this is the last time I will tell you, please leave. He did.

We then went up to my parents house where my sister drove an hour with her kids so we could all be together for the kids. We had supper, played games etc. DS was on the computer playing games and I pulled up a chair and sat down beside him and just watched. He said mom, I just don't want to talk right now. I said that's ok, I just want to watch you play the game. He said ok. I said will you promise me you'll come to me when you want to talk? He said yes. About 5 min. later his cousin walked up and was watching him play, then the cousin left and DS says "well at least he has a dad". I said you still have a dad, he just has some problems right now. He said I wonder if Nick (drug dealer) knows that he ruined 2 kids lives. I said he probably doesn't care. But you know what? Our lives aren't ruined. They're changed, but the 3 of us are very strong people. We have lots of support of family and friends. We have to pull ourselves up when we're knocked down and hold our heads high and do the right thing.

I put them to bed last night and layed with them both. DD had lots more questions such as "will daddy go to heaven?" I didn't know how to respond so I said I can't answer that because I don't know, but maybe we can ask Uncle Terry and Aunt Linda about those questions (he's a minister) DS said does God still love him? I said yes he does, he loves all of us.

I'd spoken with AH's mom later and she was saying she wanted the kids to come in there next weekend. I'm like WTH???? I said I don't want the kids in there until he's right. She said well, they won't be in here with him they'll be with me. I said I don't care and I'm not discussing that right now. I said if you want to see them you're more than welcome to come out here and spend time with them. I can for sure see that she'll be starting crap pretty soon. I've been completely avoiding her calls and will continue to do so after this convo. I hate to do this for my kids, but I'm protecting them.

Anyway, I'm feeling alot stronger now and I am so grateful for my family and friends. I'm also VERY, VERY grateful for SR not giving up on me. I'm starting to clearly see just how very much I've tolerated. I don't want to do this anymore and I don't want my kids seeing this anymore. I want to be happy and I want my kids to have a happy and fulfilling life.

winnie12

YOU HANDLED THIS ALL BEAUTIFULLY!!!! What grace you showed - a real lady and a strong mom. I'm sooooo proud of you.

Oh and yes - Daddy can def still go to heaven - what angels they are for asking such an important question. (if we were kept out for doing things wrong then none of us would get in.)

jerect

Callie, is there a way you can get a protective order so that your Ah can't be near the kids right now or near them until he has been x amount of days sober?

Your MIL needs to understand that the your kids seeing their dad in the state that he is in just confuses them and will cause much uneeded stress in their lives..

Callie

My MIL is a few bricks shy of a load for the most part. Yes, there is a protective order that I can get. I'd called the Sheriff dept and they said I could file one. The problem is that with AH in this state I'm trying to keep the peace and get a dissolution and not a divorce. I just want to be done and not drag out a nasty divorce. I think a PO would send him over the edge with his mom right beside him. I will get one if I have too, but for now my parents and I have talked and she can be PO'd @ me if she wants, but the offer stands that she can come to MY house if she wants to see them. I've already heard snippits of "well it's not fair he can't see the kids." IRL it's not HIM that's saying that, it's her. She's done it too me before. All the while her AS is sitting in the middle of a Walmart Aisle wacking a bag of lays potato chips with a plastic baseball bat. Yea, that's good for the kids to see.

For now I've got caller ID and will use it to avoid it all. She kind of started in today and I said I will not discuss this right now, but if you would like to see them you can come out here while "I" am here initially to monitor their ??'s to her. From here on out I will ensure that my kids will feel safe to be completely honest with me about what she or anyone else says.

Winnie - thanks for the kudo's - you've helped me more than you know!

winnie12

I think i have the same ex MIL as you - total crazy lady (complete control freak) who just cant see that her son is a bad influence on my son and that she has just enabled him all his life. You will probably never get her to understand so i wouldnt wast your efforts - just set your rules. Its not just your right its your obligation as a mother and the only stable parent right now to make decisions in their best interest. if he prooves himself to be stable then you can revisit it. I would just prefrace decision as "for right now I have decided ... "

of course you could always say "you have drug addicts in your home so they cant come there." (okay - you cant say that it would just start trouble but it would be fun - lol) we all know that she probably just wants them at her home so her son can see them.

liesagain

stay strong Callie.........your doing great

outtolunch

You have a choice in all of this.

In the big picture a "snippit" is a blip. Do not give " snippets" any power. Do not give someone a few bricks short of a full load any power over you or your children. It's just noice.

Chino

Callie, you did a wonderful thing and it took a tremendous amount of courage. I'm praying that your family is finally able to find serenity now.

Freedom1990

Callie, I am so proud of you! :ghug :ghug

In regards to this:
Please bear in mind this is a progressive disease, and that goes for the untreated codependent too. Don't be surprised as his addiction progresses that things get much much nastier with her. That PO may start looking much better in the end and you may have to cease all contact with her too for your own sanity.

:ghug :ghug

MeHandle

:ghug3

you were perfect

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;

love tammy:ghug3

hello-kitty

Sounds like you did a great job with your children. Try to keep it simple so they don't get too confused and you don't have to spend too much time with long expanations in the future. No need to dwell on things. Just empasize that your children will be fine no matter what their daddy does. Let them know that YOU are their mommy and YOU will never leave them. YOU will always protect them no matter what. Let them know they are safe and have nothing to worry about.

Tell them, "Your daddy loves you so much. Right now he is choosing to use bad drugs and they are making him very sick. Unfortunately he doesn't want to do what he needs to do to get better right now but I hope he will change his mind soon so he can recover. Would you like to say a prayer for him?"

outonalimb

Callie,

I know how hard this is. I know how much it hurts to look into your child's eyes and explain something like this to them. I spent several years trying to protect my son from the reality of his dad's addiction...hoping just like you...that my exah would get better...that we could go back to being a family...but it wasn't meant to be.

Your kids are so blessed. I know it might not seem like it sometimes because of whats going on with their dad...but they have you...and you are being so strong...and doing all the right things to protect them. I had 'the talk' with my son just after his 6th birthday and God did it hurt but my son will be 10 tomorrow and he is thriving...just thriving. Your kids are gonna be okay because they have you...

Keep leaning on the people who love you and support you..hugs to you...

Impurrfect

((((Callie))))

You did GREAT!!! The kids are focused on "Nick" right now, because they want to blame someone else, other than their dad. I'm sure you can understand this, as you (and the rest of us) have all done it before. It is a process we all have to work through, and they have a terrific mom and are surrounded by wonderful, loving people who can help them work through this.

As far as the MIL and restraining order, I totally understand why you're doing what you're doing now. Just keep the restraining order in the back of your mind as an option. You never thought you'd have to get to THIS point, either.

I am so very proud of you. I know how hard this has been, but you and the kids are going to be okay.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

NeedingHelp7

(((((Callie))))) you did a good job with the children. There really is no easy way, but you put across to them as gently as you could.. The children are blaming Nick because they can hardly believe dad would do something like that on his own. (I blamed Dr's for the longest time.) It will be part of the grieving process for them.

I hope MIL doesn't continue to be a problem.

:ghug

NH7

marle

Good for you Callie. Sending hugs and prayers for you and your sweet children. Hugs, Marle