Godsgirl

Hi everyone,

Got a question. Currently I'm still maintaining a degree of detachment and abf who is a polysub abuser....i believe is using meth (i could be wrong)...However, the last month I have sensed a heavy fruity vinegar-like very slight tobacco odor just coming off of him..his clothes...his breath. I assumed it was meth after some of my rubber gloves i do my hair with went missing out of my bathroom closet when he visited one day.....yet he is denying it.

During our last few encounters (last yesterday)...he became loud and belligerent when I moved back from any advances (like a hug) from him. I became slightly nauseous and my nose itched to high heaven. He says I of all the people (including his job and family)...no one brings attention to any odor on him and that I am just crazy and he is "tired of the accusations" --one of his favorite lines...so now here i go again...long period of no contact.

I also refuse to believe his co-workers dont smell that odor. No, I have not seen him ever using it but i really think he is smoking or snorting meth...Does the odor sweat off their skin after a binge?...I dunno, but it is sooo frustrating....I wonder how long it will take before someone other than me confronts him about it ?? He told me his boss told him not to leave early from work anymore...maybe she noticed...because he had been leaving 15 to 20 minutes early with her permission at first. All I can believe is that ....its just a matter of time before he knows its not just me.

Godsgirl

Hey Anvil..thanks for your post...well gee, I think there is a fear of losing a boyfriend, the love of my life who I have known for 30 years....I dunno...I guess im about as sick as he is psychologically huh...I think i have done very well with the detachment with this site. I think i let him come around because i want to see his face, hear his voice...is that wierd?...but every time i experience the things in my post (like him getting mad and loud)... he ends up leaving upon my request or voluntarily because he says..."I tired of the accusations, you either accept me or leave me alone"...gee i am trying..and i think i will get there..with continued support.

Godsgirl

Well, that is a good question..yes he is the love of my life and will always be...not even his addiction will change that.....I guess you have to know us both to get a clear answer. Gee, well he has a good heart (i know, sounds cliche)...seems to be loved by many (family and co-workers) and job....I know everything is not as it seems.....and there is no good answer to what is the worst thing that could happen. Him being an addict/alcoholic is not the best thing, no... but there are of course good times during his sobriety that I cherish to the day.

Freedom1990

My ex smelled terrible too, and I sure I did also since we were both heavy meth users.

Thank God I don't have to lower my bar of standards anymore.

Today I choose to associate with healthy people in my life.

It's interesting to note that you say you have detached, yet 99 9/10% of your posts are about him, no?

Godsgirl

Well, i am not a drug user..only marijuana occasionally years ago. Yeah most of my posts are about him...and I only come here to give and receive support...be it tough love or not....peace to you all...its Friday and I need to feel good about my efforts to get him completely out of my life....not bashed or made to feel worse than i already do.... I will continue to detach and avoid...thanks for the support.
Love,GG

Hangin' In

Godsgirl,

I don't think anyone was bashing, just stating the reality of your situation.

I know before I got into recovery myself in Al Anon, I didn't know how crazy my life had become. I was accepting the unacceptable, I was acting crazier than my AD (at least she had an excuse...what was mine???), I was not happy with the situation and I chose to blame everyone else for that. I was scared to death of losing my AD, and fear drove a lot of my actions or inactions.

Someone asked me one day if my life were that of someone else, what would I tell them. Well, I knew in a heartbeat what I could tell someone else to do...not put up with the screaming, the disrespect, the mood swings, the stealing, the lying. Oh how easy it is to spot what someone else should do, but I sure couldn't do it myself. That is, until I got into recovery/Al Anon myself.

Maybe you could find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meetin near you. I cannot tell you how much my meetings have helped me. I now have a program, a way of life that helps me have the things I want... peace, serenity, dignity and self worth. If you're looking for any of those, I'd recommend a meeting. You don't have to do this alone.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Godsgirl

I choose not to attend a meeting..because i live in such a small town where everybody knows somebody that knows somebody...most of the meeting places are a block away from my daughters private catholic school....However, I will probably eventually get to a meeting at some point. I have had private counseling a couple of years ago for issues with my mother who phoned abf at his house and asked him to stop seeing me (Having been married to two drug users, both now deceased, and having 2 brothers deceased from drugs...i now understand why she did that). My mom was a single and worked at night while one of the deceased stepdad was at home...(when I was 17, he asked me to come smoke weed with him in her room...i outright refused and did not tell her about it because i was afraid she would not believe me). What does this have to do with now? Well since I have been surrounded by druggies in my family, sometimes I think it is causing me to have a higher tolerance ...i dont know.

No I dont blame anyone except myself for all the things I have allowed to happen....but I feel I have made significant progress...working on my cody healing along the way...I have been at this site since 2003, have gotten wonderful support and love...regular and tough. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel...its blinding but things will be so much better in the longrun

thanks again all...peace

hello-kitty

Is this the same guy?

winnie12

He probably cant smell it anymore so i would guess he does think your making it up. smelling bad would kinda be a last straw for me - I know it sounds really petty but I just cant handle things that smell bad. Its not that I mind a man smelling like a man or even sweating - just not stinking.

They say that the first thing that attracts you to someone is their scent so i can just imagine how much of a turnoff that is.

pegasus

Well since I have been surrounded by druggies in my family, sometimes I think it is causing me to have a higher tolerance ...i dont know.



Godsgirl;
I have wondered the same thing about myself with that one.
See my dad was a nasty mean A and we've gone through hell and back with him. Growing up my mom would say how she did this or that to try and keep him from drinking. She even tried to drink with him to keep him home. So by her talking like this to us as a child we (my sisters & I) always blamed her for not doing it right to make dad stop drinking. I look at the men I have chosen in my life. My first a pothead who couldn't be serious about anything. That one didn't last. Then with my current AH we met in College and from the get go he told me about his addiction and was very open and honest about it. I immediately fell for him. Here was this man taking responsibility for his life and was successful. I guess the appeal to me was that he must be very strong to go through with it and stay clean. As all I learned from my life was that it was always to hard for dad and hubby #1 to do it. We eventually married and things were good for about 3 yrs. He slipped but recovered quickly, or so I thought. I was naive to think that he was cured. Boy do I wish I had gone to Alanon as a child. It sure might have opened my eyes to addiction before I made yet another mistake.

laurie6781

The 'love of my life' died 10 years ago, on a downtown L.A. sidewalk, not 100' feet from where his brother had died 20 years earlier.

I got sober, he never did, for any length of time. Kept my distance. Refused any contact when he was using. For MY OWN SANITY AND PEACE OF MIND I had to do that. I learned HOW TO DO IT in Alanon, which I started attending when I was 3 years sober.

I have come to find out these many years, that whether I see someone I know in AA or in Alanon, they are there for THE EXACT SAME REASON I AM, and thus in small town (yes I know, everyone knows everyone's business, been there, done that) or large, I have no 'embarrassment', not that I didn't have some at first. It quickly disapated, when I ran into a co-worker at one of my very first AlAnon meetings.

Meetings can help you TREMENDOUSLY. Please try some, at least 6 DIFFERENT ones, to find one or two where you feel a 'teeny' bit comfortable.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

winnie12

If your town is that small they probably already know anyway. dont let other people's small minds stop you from what you want.

Hangin' In

Godsgirl,

I'm a GA gal, too, and some of your story sounds just like me.

I, too, didn't want to go to meetings in my town because I was so afraid someone would see me, think badly of me, or worse yet, think badly of my AD. And my AD is a good person. She has the disease of addiction and that does not make her a bad person.

So for months I refused to go to meetings out of fear...fear of what people would think, fear of who would tell I was there (heck, the whole town already knew of my daughter's problem, but I was in denial), fear of crying at the meeting, fear they'd make me say something....fear, fear, fear AND PRIDE. Oh yeah, big time pride issue.

I finally got so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I gave up and went. What I found in that room were people just like me, people who were hurting, people who didn't know what to do, people who understood exactly how I was feeling, people who had been through what I was going through. And these people were doing SO MUCH better than I was. I wanted what they had, so I decide I'd stick around and listen. Thank God I did.

Today I am so very grateful for my Al Anon group and my recovery friends. I have been given a gift I would have never had otherwise if addiction had not come to live in our home. I never, ever want to go back to the way I used to live...the worry, the fear, the anxiousness, the controlling way. Oh sure, I have to work on MY life everyday to make it the best it can be and I do that by working my program. I just am so thankful God let me get miserable enough to try it someone elses way.

Hugs cause I understand where you are, Godsgal,
Hangin' In

Godsgirl

I, too, didn't want to go to meetings in my town because I was so afraid someone would see me, think badly of me, or worse yet, think badly of my AD. And my AD is a good person. She has the disease of addiction and that does not make her a bad person.

So for months I refused to go to meetings out of fear...fear of what people would think, fear of who would tell I was there (heck, the whole town already knew of my daughter's problem, but I was in denial), fear of crying at the meeting, fear they'd make me say something....fear, fear, fear AND PRIDE. Oh yeah, big time pride issue.

I finally got so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I gave up and went. What I found in that room were people just like me, people who were hurting, people who didn't know what to do, people who understood exactly how I was feeling, people who had been through what I was going through. And these people were doing SO MUCH better than I was. I wanted what they had, so I decide I'd stick around and listen. Thank God I did.

Thanks Hangin In...its the above 2 paragraphs that help me take a closer look at me and face the music turned up louder.........very motivating ...love that red quote too.

I'll get there hell or high water...literally.

Thanks again.

jerect

Godsgirl,

When I first walked into a meeting I was scared to death that someone I knew would see me there.. and when I walked in the meeting there were three people that I knew very well sitting in that room,,, but they were there for the same reason I was.. well maybe not for the same reason cause when I first went to Alanon I was going to figure out a way to get my AH sober.. different story for a different post..

Anyway, my point being... I live in a very very small South Georgia town where everyone knows everyone's business.. but I can't let that stop me from wanting to help myself.. Besides..Alanon Tradition 12 states Anoymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personality Which means who you see in Alanon and what you hear in Alanon stays in that room... and I have yet to see anyone violate that tradition..

My well being is much more important then my pride and my fears.. I honestly dont give a f@*k what people think of me anymore

hello-kitty

The love of my life died in the laundry room after shooting up too much cocaine. I remember looking at him the day before and telling him he looked like hell. I told him to choose cocaine or me. He told me not to be so immature. Then he looked at me told me he loved me and walked out the door. I couldn't settle for crumbs. I had to let go and let God. He ended up dead less than 3 days later. His stay on this earth was brief - only 24 years.

I couldn't save him.

I guess that was a hard lesson on I didn't cause it. I can't control it. And I can't cure it.

The ironic part of the story is that I ended up getting addicted to crack about 15 years later. Just goes to show you can't teach an addict anything. They have to learn it on their own.

marle

Godsgirl, My weekly meeting is two blocks from my house. People at the meetings are people that I work with daily. I do not care what other people think about the why I go there. I go to my meetings because I want to get better. Go to a meeting. I will bet that it will help you. You will have other people sitting next to you that absolutely know how you feel. And yes you are making progress. Each baby step away from addiction is a step toward a better future for you. Hugs, Marle

Godsgirl

wow..thanks again for the meeting tips....i'll try again looking for them again...i dont think I have a choice now that im finally facing things.

jerect

Just put on your brave face and GO!!!! You will be so glad you did...

Think of Alanon as free therapy....

Hangin' In

Godsgirl,

I began to get better when I did start facing things. It was scary, getting the focus off of my AD and on to me and my behavior, but it was and is so worth it, so, SO worth it.

It's hard work and there were times I "relapsed" into old behavior (and still do every now and then), but good feelings that come from growing in the program made me hang in there. Meetings teach and reinforce a lot of what we talk about here on SR, and I need every bit of reinforcement I can get. I don't ever want to go back to how I used to behave or feel. I have freedom in my life today ... freedom to be me, to have a good day despite what is going on around me; freedom to let other people be themselves without feeling like I need to tell them how to live their lives; freedom to set my boundaries without feeling guilty; freedom to know I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior; and freedom to enjoy today because I know my HP is in control and that if I turn my life over to Him, He will handle it just the way it should be handled.

Those are just a few of the blessings of working a recovery program, and I hope that gets you interested enough to make you want try a meeting for yourself.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. Let's see, you live in GA, I live in GA. We could live close together. So...hmmmmm, how about I pick you up for my next meeting?