JustAYak

I think it was late last Friday that my dad came home from work and went to bed at 6:30. That's never a good sign. He hardly said anything to me, he just came home, disappeared into his bedroom and didn't come out. I didn't think he was using again at that moment, he's been a heroin addict for years, but he had 6 months clean at this time. However, I did think he was planning on using. The last time I'd seen him do this was when my mom and sister left us and he was depressed out of his mind, later relapsing. Well on Friday I had a bad feeling about it, turns out I was right. Track marks, late saturday night. I don't know what caused it, all I know is that he's shootin up and when he comes home, he's comin down off his high and he gets slightly aggressive. I don't know if that normal for a heroin addict, but everyone's different..

I'm an addict too, trying to get clean, but this got me so stressed out and bummed and angry that I went out and screwed myself over on LSD just to forget. I know I shouldn't let his recovery affect mine but he's my dad, he's all I got, he has a strong affect on me. I don't know what to do with myself now, I'm craving speed just so I'm not so damn tired...and if he comes in high as a kite and then I have to go to school with access to drugs 24/7, it's not much of an easy place to recover. I can't deal with that stuff around me yet, I'm not strong enough to resist it. My friend's keep wanting me to "hang out" but I decline, making up lies as I go. I don't know how to say that I want to get clean to them. Too much judgement...

And now tonight, my dad hasn't come home yet (it's 1 am on a thursday night), and I'm stressin. I don't want him to OD because he has twice before except the difference this time is that it's just me and him, the last 2 times it was me, him, my mom, and my sister. I don't know what to do should he OD. Call 911 I suppose... But often times ODing can mean death and if he died I would be so lost. I don't know what would become of me at that point. I'd probably go live with my mom and sister and have it be eternally awkward. I haven't seen them in 2 years, I've talked to them scarecly. Both of them know I'm a druggie, my dad doesn't. I haven't told him...not yet. It'll be a while before I tell him, he's got a lot on his plate as is.

Stressing, stressing, stressing...

justtired

Hi Jason

I am by no means an expert in this area. But I can say that you need to worry about yourself first. You can't do anything about what HE'S doing, so you need to take your own recovery into your own hands. Also, I'd say you would benefit from finding some new friends. Someone who would want to help you and support the fact that you want a better life for you. If they can't support you wanting to be clean, then they aren't very good friends. Do you go to meetings for yourself? If so, that would be a great place to meet friends who are also trying to get their lives in order. I'm sorry about your dad. That has to be very hard for you to watch and continue working on your own recovery. Hang in there and do what's best for you. He's not going to do what's best for him until he's ready.

katie44

Hi Jason, I know he is your father and you love him. Until he is ready to seek help there is nothing you can do, you know you can't control it nor can you cure it. At this point you really need to focus on yourself. Do you have naranon in your area? There are many agencies that will guide you in the right direction looking for help yourself. If your friends are true friends they will understand you wanting to get clean. You yourself know a life of addiction, is a life of chaos and sadness. How old are you? Do you have any family members you can speak with? Please seek help for yourself. You are here on this site, that says something.

Serenity Bound

Hi Jason, Please seek recovery for yourself. Perhaps NA or AA meetings. I know you said you haven't told your Dad your an addict, but maybe you should. Are there any other adults you could talk to, perhaps another family member, a school counselor, they may be able to give you guidance. You said that you would like to get clean, and that is a very good start, being here at SR is another good step. Keep going one step at a time.

HurtingDad

Jason,
SerenityBound gave great advice. You're in a tough situation and sound as if you're really trying to recover.

Please find someone to talk to and there's always someone here to listen.

outtolunch

Jason,

How old are you? The reason I ask is that your writing is articulate and demonstrates compassion and maturity, not typical in most high school- aged people.

You have an opportunity to save yourself and by doing so, all it means is that you decided, you are worth it. It not a judgement about your dad and certainly has nothing to do with your friends.

Your communication skills are a gift. Use them to save yourself.

JustAYak

I'm 17, a senior in high school. Being in school just makes it harder I think to find new friends because people are already in their cliques and what not, I don't think people accept past druggies very easily. I have been trying to pull away from my "friends," I turn off my phone so I don't have to pick up their calls, I avoid 'em at school, in fact, it's quite obvious I think that I don't really want to be friends with them anymore, but I think they just want my money. Which makes it harder still is that my school is FULL of druggies. I swear that someone gets busted for having pot in their locker every other week. All I have to do is make it this last semester and summer, and then I can go to a college where nobody knows me and start over. I'm looking forward to that. Only about 7 months to go...

As for Nar-Anon groups, when my mom and my sister were around, my mom would take us to those. We went for quite a while until my dad got clean, and he was clean for I think 4 months that time and then he relapsed and started lying to my mom and taking tons of money and we just didn't go back. So that went on for a good 5 months and then my sister found a speed capsule in my backpack and she showed my mom and of course, that didn't go over so well. 2 months later, they were gone. It kinda sucks because even if they did know I was trying to get clean, they probably wouldn't support me because of my dad's history or relapses, I think my mom just wants to forget about it. Well, it's not going away.

As far as NA meetings, haven't been to one. My dad went occasionally when he was clean... I've considered going to one though. I feel like I'd be out of place there though considering I'm 17 and almost everyone on this forum seems to be 20+ I know anyone can go to the meetings, doesn't matter what age you are, but if I'm not comfortable there should I even go?

Oh, and my dad still hasn't come home yet. -.-

Thanks for the support everyone.

outtolunch

It takes an exceptional amount of emotional maturity to surrender and commit to recovery. You are dealing with family issues as well as your own and that's quite a load for any 17 year old to bear.

You might want to see if there is an Alateen program nearby where you will find people your own age, affected by someone else's drinking or substance abuse.

winnie12

I'm very impressed by you. My son is 16 and is no where near where you are especially in understanding the motives of some of his old friends. Its not that these kids are bad people its just a lot of their focus is on something besides being a real friend. Most of them think they are grown up but dont have a clue to what they are playing with - sounds like you're realizing that earlier then a lot. My son is not even in school now becuase he just cant handle the amount of temptation there.

If you're open i would suggest that maybe you try some meetings on your own and a sponser may be invaluable to you right now. Someone older that has been clean a long time might give you some of the support that your dad is incapable of right now. I'm not sure on this but based on the maturity that i see in your post, alateen may be too young for you. I know in our area the alateen tends to be more around the age of 13-15 and a lot of them are dealing with living with an addict more than being an addict. My son prefers going to the adult meetings so you may be able to relate there better.

Try not to let that stress of highschool get to you. HS is hard for anyone becuase of the reasons you state and you've got triple the stress that others have. You're almost done so hang in there. You sound like an amazing young man who is being left to deal with a lot on his own. Reach out to others.

JustAYak

I think the only reason I'm "mature" or whatever is because I've grown up around my dad and his addiction. When I was 15 you better believe I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into, but as my dad's addiction developed and then he got clean, it kinda put everything into perspective for me. At the time he got clean, I was wondering why because I thought drugs were awesome, no joke. Why would he get clean if it makes you feel so good? Well soon I figured out why. I figured out that other people don't like what you're doing, you start to hate yourself, you spend tons of money on it, and other various reasons. A lot of people don't realize what they're doing to themselves till their older because they haven't seen the other side of addiction, being a kid and growing up with it. If you can't tell already, I've had a lot of time to think about this stuff...

Maybe I'll use some of that time to find a meeting. I'll look into it...I don't have a car at the moment since my dad has it, so maybe I can find one I can walk too. I live in town, so it shouldn't be too hard. Today would be a good day because I don't have school today (teachers work day), and it'll keep me from going and using with all the spare time I seem to have.

Just wondering, has anybody gone to Nar-Anon meeting and also been an addict themselves? I'm wondering how that works since NA and Nar-Anon is two support groups focused on different things.

JustAYak

Oh, and I wanted to add something but I can't edit my post anymore..

I know I should only focus on my own recovery since it's the only thing that's in my control, but that doesn't mean I just forget about my dad. Every kid always has a sense of loyalty to their parents even if they do the stupidest thing imaginable. Or in the opposite sense; if your kid leaves you, does not follow your wishes, or tries to convince themselves that they hate you and your guts, it'll never be true. No matter what they're always gonna love their parents, whether you can see it or not.

Serenity Bound

Jason, You are quite right that NA and Naranon are two different groups. However, by your situation you can fit into both. NA for addicts .... Naranon...friends & family of addicts. I think your suggestion of finding a meeting today is an excellent idea. You should try several different meetings, then you can find out which you feel most comfortable in. My daughter is the addict in my life, her DOC is crack, however alcohol does her in also. She prefers the AA meetings (I don't know why) however she attends both.

The Naranon meeting that I attend has members that are recovering addicts, because they now have a friend or family member that is an addict.

One step at a time, you can do it.

I just read the rest of your post & wanted you to know that, it's the same for us parents.....I hate the fact that my daughter is an addict.....but she is my daughter and I love her, so what I have learned thru Naranon is to work on myself, let her work on her own recovery.

Hope that helps.

JustAYak

Hmm...I just tried to find meetings near me for both NA and Nar-Anon groups. I found some NA meetings that are about 4 miles from me, and that's a bit far to walk, especially in this cold. I didn't find any Nar-Anon meetings near me though...that sucks.

Serenity Bound

check out AA and Alanon, also! Once you get into the meetings, you find make friends there and be able to get rides.

winnie12

You also might want to call or email some of the contacts. they may be able to help you and if you can get to a few your sure to make friends who will help. Do you have any adults in your life you can confide in?

As far as you loving your Dad - you should love your Dad even if he's having these troubles - that's healthy and its good that you dont harbor any hate for him. Most of us here do love the addict in our life. I love my son with my whole heart - but it doesnt mean that i can stop him from doing stupid things. Just try to figure out where the line is between loving him and trying to help him because he's not your responsibility.

If you need a Mom type to talk to you can PM me. I cant talk to my son about a lot of this becuase he's not ready yet and you cant talk to your parents - who knows maybe we could learn a little from each other.

Chino

Jason, I'm sending you prayers for you and your dad.

winnie, your offer brought tears to my eyes. Bless your heart!

JustAYak

Adults in my life I can confide in...nope. I have my dad, teachers, and a school guidance counselor for adults. Yes, I could talk to my teachers or the guidance counselor which I have thought about, but I'm just not up to that yet. I don't want teachers knowing too much about me and I feel like the guidance counselor is going to over analyze everything. I also feel like if I told a teacher they wouldn't know how to react or they'd react the worst way which is just taking pity on me. I hate pity. It doesn't do anything but make you feel worse.

And I don't think that I'm trying to help my dad really, I'm just confused and frustrated with him. I don't know why he relapsed. I still don't know where he is. I just want to know stuff. I know I can't help him or change him, I just would be put more at ease with this whole thing I think if I knew something.

Thanks for that offer Winnie, it means a lot. I'll keep that in mind.

liesagain

Jason.........I read your post and wanted to tell you that the others are right you are very mature and you can focus on your recovery and still love your dad...............

also I dont know your mom, but I would suggest that you call her...........She may be more supportive than you think

And one more thing.........look up AA meetings...........my husband is an addict but he doesnt go to NA meetings he really prefers AA and it seems that there are alot more AA meetings around
they both (AA&NA) rely on the 12 steps and many in AA have both alcohol and drug addiction...............and I go to some of the meetings with him you'd be surprised that there are young men and women in alot of the meetings...........

winnie12

Jason just dont be afraid to reach out. i understand you not wanting teachers to know. My son was lucky and does have one or two that he bonded with and i know he treasures having those "neutral" adults when he needs someone besides me to talk to. Honestly, you cant tell your Ma everything. I would guess that you probably worry a little about getting people involved who would make a big scene and make things worse.

You are only 17 and carrying more burden then you're supposed to. We all need help - I'm an independant adult and I still need help getting through the day. I have always been a very private person and tried to do this on my own for a long time out of fear and pride but it was just too much of a burden for me to carry alone. once i finally reached out and found the right people to help me it was such a relief.

JustAYak

Doubtful. She left us because she didn't want to deal with my dad's drug habit anymore. She didn't want to be supportive of him anymore because she thought he wasn't going to change. She lost hope in him and seeing how it influenced me too, didn't help any. I don't think there'd be a difference in her now...

I will try to find some in my area...good idea.