rabsab

My wife and I have a 23 year old daughter who is an addict. She experimented with drugs in HS, and at the end of her freshman year at college, she became addicted to crystal. She was on crystal for about 1 1/2 years. She has been through 5 rehabs which we paid for. Most recently, she spent 2 years at a residential rehab, then moved out to an apartment that we payed for and went into a day program for 2 months. During that time, she was essentially clean and sober - although she became addicted to energy drinks at one point, and to diet pills at another. During her 3rd month in the day program, she caught pneumonia, and was in a lot of chest pain. She found a doctor that would give her Vicodin, and that quickly led to oxycodone, fentanyl patches, somas, whatever she could find. She was on a 3 week run when I figured out she was high - and called her on it. She said she would flush all of the drugs - a lie. Then she continued to lie for 2 more weeks while she continued her drug run. Finally, I figured it out again, called her on it again, and she asked to go to a detox, where she is now. They put her on subetex. I looked at the apartment that we are renting for her, which she has been in for about 3 1/2 months - and it is totally trashed. She lives like an animal - clothes and food and pills and cig butts and garbage everywhere. The plan is for her to move directly from detox to a sober living house. Frankly, I don't hold out much hope for her. My wife and I are both totally convinced that she will quickly return to drugs. She hasn't held a job for more than a few weeks since she was in high school. She keeps starting and then dropping out of a local community college. She has no money except what we provide. Reading many of these message boards, it sounds like it is time for us to cut her off completely, and let her find her own way in the world. I know that what we have been doing is not working, so I see no reason to continue. I know that we have been enabling her. I worry, and assume, that if we cut her off, she will immediately crash and burn - but I guess we can't control that. Although we have admitted to ourselves that she is a drug addict, I guess we have also been in denial about what that means, and have held out hope that she would pull herself out. We see now that will not happen - at least not now. I know there is a part of her that wants to stop this life and cycle of addiction- but I also know that it is not enough, and that she is not strong enough at this time to kick it. That's my quick summary of the 6 years of hell we have lived through. I know all of you can fill in between the lines and understand just how complex and painful this has been - how inadequate we have found ourselves in trying to figure out what to do at each step. My wife and I are both self-reliant professionals who never ask for help. I know that we should try Nar-Anon, but my wife wants nothing to do with that. I think I will try it anyway, and I think my wife will probably go with me out of a feeling of guilt. I think at this point, just hearing the wisdom of people that have lived through similar experiences will give us support as we continue to struggle with what we have to do next. Thanks.

winnie12

I'm another parent going through the beginning stages of what you described and I'm sorry you are going through this pain. Please take heart in the fact that you have tried everything in your power as a parent to help her so you know that it really and truly is not for lack of effort or love on your part - I know its not much but i take solace myself in that fact. Your wife may be in a different place then you are - we all hit bottom at a different time but that doesnt mean that you cant move forward now that your eyes are opened. Keep reading and get the support you need so that when the time comes to make hard decisions you will be able to make them. When I finally hit that "no more" stage I told my son that I loved him enough to let him hate me and finally realized that until the consequences hurt him (instead of just his family) that he wasnt going to get it.

marle

By enabling we take away the right of the addict to take responsibility for their addiction. I, too, enabled my daughter for a long time. When I quit she found a way to continue to use for another 2+ years (she found a crack addict that was 17 years her senior and made a 6 figure income and was willing to trade sex for drugs). For a while I gave up hope that she would ever want recovery but even with the 6 figure income they lived in seedy motels and lost all of their possessions. Spending $60,000 on crack and heroin in 2 months can do that to a person. She eventually got so sick of the lifestyle and the pain that she called in May, went to rehab, halfway house, came home, got a job, went to meetings, started paying back her bills and has now been clean (except for a couple slips with alcohol) for almost 8 months. Will she stay clean? Only God knows that answer. And so everyday I live like this is my only day on Earth and I am grateful for one more day clean. My daughter would never have gotten to a bottom if I had continued to enable her either financially or emotionally. I had to let her go, let God have her and trust that He knew better than I did. You do not need to continue to pay for rehabs when AA and NA are both free programs and many addicts get clean that way. Your daughter has been to rehab, she knows the program. It is just that for now she does not have any incentive to stay clean because she knows that she has you to clean up her messes. Give her back the responsibility for whether or not she stays clean. You may find it is what saves her life. Hugs and welcome. Marle

grateful2b

Welcome to SR, Rabsab
I am glad you have found us..
There are many, many, wonderful people here that have, and are, walking the path you find yourself on..
I, too , have a daughter in addiction...but I had to let her go and let her find her way
You have a lot of good insights into the truth about her addiction and all of us hear can relate to "the worry and fear that if we cut them off, they will crash and burn"
but you recognize that you can't control that and that she needs to find her own way in the world.
Al-Anon is a great support system for *us and good for you for recognizing your need for that support...Alcoholism is a family disease and with you taking the lead, hopefully your wife will come to see how it can support her too..

Remember the three c's:
we didn't cause it
We can't control it
We can't cure it

hugs and prayers that your daughter finds recovery soon...they can and do recover...

deezaldog

You do have a difficult decision to make and enforce. Do not give up on her, there is hope. I know many low bottum addicts that have worked hard to keep long term sobriety. I am one. I must work every day to stay sober. Recovery is a WE program but she has to want it. Nar-Anon would be worth a try. What does your wife have to lose by attending one mtg? If she won't go, you could go yourself. Cutting financial support would be a great eye opener for your daughter. Remember, you are not responsible for her behavior. :praying

Serenity Bound

rabsab, Welcome to SR! I would definitely go to Naranon meetings. I, too, was one of those people who would/could not reach out for help. Thank goodness, I did. Naranon saved my life. My daughter is now 30, she started right after HS. Today she is clean, tomorrow who knows. Naranon helped me to learn that it is not our fault, we did not cause it, we can't control it & we can't cure it. The 3 "C's". The strength, hope and experience of the program can help you and your wife if she is willing to go.

I'm sure there will be others around shortly to share their own hope & experience with you.

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris

Seren

Hi Rabsab....I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you and your wife have been going through with your daughter. By now you must understand that addicts are children of people from all walks of life. My boyfriend is a scientist at a major university...his nearly 30 year old son nearly died from alcohol over the summer and is now addicted to crack (which, as it turns out, he has smoked on and off for quite some time now).

The reason I say this is that you mentioned that you and your wife are professionals and that your wife also does not want to have anything to do with Nar-Anon. Is that because she feels like it would be a group of people with whom she could never relate?

I can assure you that the people who attend Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings come from many different socioeconomic backgrounds, and you will be able to relate to everyone there because they are all going through the same exact experience. I do encourage you to consider attending.

Meanwhile, please read around the boards. You will find so many helpful posts and responses to any questions you have or problems that arise. Keep posting, keep reading. I wish you the very best and continued strength in your own journey of recovery.

HG

BBD

`Hello and welcome Rabsab, I feel your pain because we have lived it here also. After my son put himself into rehab we got counciling and started to attend alanon meetings. It was the best thing we could have done for ourselves. The learning process and understanding about our codependancy was a real eye opener. I just couldn't "love" my son to maybe death anymore. He is now self sufficent, living on his own and hopefully taking care of his life. I wish you love and luck on your journey but I really do suggest some help for you and your wife. Smiles, Bonnie

rabsab

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. My wife said she will go with me to Nar-Anon, and she has even registered here on SR. Marle - you are so right about my daughter having been to rehab and knowing the program. I still can't believe that after 2+ years clean and sober in rehab, that within a few weeks of getting out she relapsed so completely. Clearly, rehab is not the answer. Rick

Hangin' In

Rabsab,

Welcome to SR. I'm so glad both you and your wife have found this site. There is great information and support here. Maybe you could get your wife to read on here, also, as there are lots of mothers here in the same situation y'all are in.

I, too, and the mother of an AD. My daughter is presently in recovery after 2rehabs and a year in a halfway house. Like Marle, I live my life one day at a time and try not to get into the future.

As my sponsor says, "Any addict is more likely to seek recovery if we take away all the pillows." You're smart to recognize your enabling. I think we've all done it, so don't beat yourself up. My enabling was a result of me getting sucked into the disease ... the family disease of addiction.

Rabsab, you and the wife have been doing everything you knew to do for years now. So did I. I finally reached my bottom and had to try something else because I was fresh out of ideas. Nothing I was doing was getting my daughter clean and sober and I was getting crazier by the minute.

So after being told over and over and over again to go to Al Anon, my husband and I finally gave in and went. Best decision I've ever made in my life. What I've learned in the rooms of recovery has given me my sanity and life back. And if you asked my AD today if she's glad I go to Al Anon, she would give you a resounding "YES!"

I hope you'll stick around here, read some more, post some more. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. And it sounds like you and your wife are ready for a change. A meeting would be a good place to start that change.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Hikeon

My friend has been drinking since he was 16 or so. His family has supplied money for his rent, food, utilities, transportation, entertainment, daily essentials, pocket money, et cetera for so long that they have ruined themselves financially. Their health suffers.
They live the ill effects of his drinking, while my friend lives comfortably, albeit unhappily, as he has "not done much with" his life.

I have said to his family several times that they must let him fall - and fall again - until he is so tired of facing consequences he takes recovery seriously, and not magnanimously or opportunistically.

He will be 47 in six months.

notsleepingwell

Welcome to SR....Another mom of an addict here. She was an RN, as I am! She spiralled down into addiction faster than I could blink.

She is now on methadone, and unbelieveably, when she got outta rehab, I allowed her and her boyfriend to live with me...partly because I now have custody of her son...partly because I was soooo glad to see her again, (she had been missing, on the streets for 7 mths).

We are now in the process of them moving out amid very hard feelings!!! All around, including my 14 y.o. grandson who hates me for kicking out his mom and her boyfriend! Never mind that neither one has worked the past year, and were abusive to me!!!!

So there is something to be said for letting them find their way...whatever way that is!!

Once again...welcome to SR!!! This place is a lifesaver!

Impurrfect

((Rabsab))

Welcome to SR! I'm coming from the other side of addiction...I'm a recovering addict.

Though I am much older than your daughter, I don't think it matters much..I still put my dad through he!!.

The only thing that made me seek recovery was hitting my bottom and I only did that because my family loved me enough to let me face the consequences of my using. I was not allowed to come home if I was using. I was not given money. I walked away from a lucrative nursing career to become a homeless, street-walking crack addict.

My dad offered to pay for rehab, but I knew that I was not ready for it and turned it down. I also knew that I qualified for FREE rehab. It was only when my consequences (which included being locked up for almost 6 months) became pretty intense, that I sought recovery.

Today, I have almost 23 months clean, and my life is better than it ever has been. I am still dealing with many consequences of my using, but I have the tools of recovery to deal with them clean and sober. My family never stopped loving me, in fact I live with them now, and we have a great relationship.

I am also a codie (codependent) and wish my dad and stepmom would have gone to alanon. I have learned a trememdous amount from this forum, and have tried to share it with dad and stepmom, but they are stuck in their ways. What I have learned, is that my addiction recovery and codie recovery is MINE, and what others do is THEIRS.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

pjbs55

Welcome to SR. I am a mother of a recovering addict, at least I think he is. My son is also 23, I made him move out of my home, it was so hard to do. Everyone said that they thought it was great that I was doing tough love, I know call it Detaching with Love. I love him, but do not like who he was when he was active. I attend Nar-Anon and find it really helps me. Try meetings go to as many as you can, and try different ones, until you find the one that is best for you.
You have to take care of you, she has to take care of her. As parents we want to do what is best for our child, and don't like to see them suffer. In this case they have to suffer to find their bottom and to find their recovery.
Keep coming back, you will find a lot of help and support here.
Good luck,

HurtingDad

Welcome to SR and I'm sorry for your pain as well as your addicts. As the others have said, read the sticky notes and as hard as it is, you need to let go. My 22 year old AS now lives in a temp.shelter in Harlem while he works his recovery from methadone. It's hard to do, and there are times and places to step in, but they need to know consequences.l

Prayers for you and your family.

sleepygoat

You guys have already realized that nothing you do or don't do has really made a bit of difference - and that's a painful realization, although it can also be a liberating realization. I know when I saw this clearly for myself when it came to my AD, it really allowed me to just stop. To stop tryiing to figure it out, to stop trying to fix it, to stop trying to prevent consequences, to stop trying to force consequences, to stop obsessing about every single bump in the road. I'm no longer willing to stop my life to help my AD get into rehab, no longer willing to take her to medical appointmen for her HIV, no longer willing to write letters for her to get services, no longer willing to be manipulated (learning that nothing I do makes a difference really helped when it came to becoming manipulation-proof!). I'm sad because she doesn't call me much anymore - but why would she when I say "no" now? I'm so much less caught up in the insanity though.
You're right; its time to try somethiing different. You've come to the right place to learn how. The moms here are some tough birds when it comes to stopping the enabling and letting go. I learned a ton from them. Hopefully you will stick around and learn how, too.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another parent.
The best tool I learned from al-anon is " LETTING GO "
Letting go of trying to control that which I can't control...my son and his addiction.

You know you have to let her live the consequences of her choices now.
Only then might she come to see that her life is unmanageable. When she gets to that
place, she will know where to turn from her experiences in rehab.

It is time for real boundaries with the bank of Mom + Dad closed.

Don't give up hope... be patient
In the mean time you will be much happier if you learn to refocus your energy on yourself, your interests, your marriage, etc.
Control the things you can and that is your own path at this time.
As you become healthier and step away from the dance the energy will shift.

I leaned a lot and grew in ways that have made a real diff. in my own life by working the
12 steps through al-anon.

My 24 yr. old son graduates from a 1 yr. program next mo.
Today he chooses sobriety. Today I am grateful.

I know the sorrow you feel. Best wishes as you find a way to experience serenity.

Done_With_It

Another recovering meth addict here. As everyone has said, I agree time to let her grow her own wings, we don't change if things are working for us.
If the pain of her using isn't high, she has no reason to stop.

Her not working, not taking care of herself, is also probably adding to her
lack of self esteem, it will be good for her to have to do things for herself,
she will start believing in herself again.

Welcome to SR!~ Glad you found us!

:ghug2

caileesnana

welcome! I'm a mom of 24 yo addicted daughter who is 7 months into her recovery. Agree w/ all that has been said. This is the hardest journey you will ever take and so many times you will want to give up what little hope you are hanging onto. As long as there is life there is hope. I too never thought my daughter would leave drugs and the lifestyle. For today she has and I am thankful for every second.

Prayers for you and your daughter, I too have lived everything you described!!


susan

BJW

Dear Rabsab (and Mrs. Rabsab if you’re reading),

I too am the mother of an addict. My family’s journey has been similar to yours. All of us here at SR understand. We truly do. We’ve been there, and we know the fear, despair, frustration, and personal and financial price loving an addict costs. We know.

My son started using when he was 14. He is now 35. My ex-husband and I tried to save our son from himself for 20 years, not understanding the power of addiction or how powerless we were to help our son. Lord knows we tried. We did everything we could think of to get our son well. Rehabs, special schools, treatment centers, psychiatrists, psychologists, and every new age medicine and philosophy we could think of was offered and funded. We even gave him things (cars, computers, clothes, rent, etc) thinking things might make him happy. It was an endless cycle of doing the same things over and over expecting different results. I can tell you that my greatest fear was my son would die. I was terrified that if I withdrew my support I would lose my son, so I continued to enable. I didn’t know any other way. Until one day, like many of us here, I said “enough”, stopped the enabling, made my son leave (mind you with no place to go and no job) and began seeking a different way of dealing with this disease. Somebody pointed me to Nar-Anon and Al-Anon, then CoDA, then here, and a number of other support sites and forums. Since then my life has taken a complete 180.

One of the things I quickly found out was how resilient addicts are. Addicts truly are survivors. Imagine what might happen if they put as much energy into their recovery as they put into finding dope. I had to ask myself the same question. What would my life look like if I quit obsessing over my son and began focusing my time and energy on getting me healthy and living MY life. Being the parent of an addict is hell on earth. There is no question about that, but there is a way through this insanity and there is hope for ourselves and for our children. I found that hope in the 12-steps of Nar-Anon.

Today my son is in the state penitentiary, but he is also alive and drug free. I cannot tell you what will become of my son, but I can tell you he is grateful I finally came to a point where I said “no more”. He believes it may be the very thing that saves his life. I know it’s saving mine.

I share very seldom on SR, but I read continually and steal bits and pieces of the wisdom shared here and make it my own. I’m sharing today because we are neighbors. I’m in southern California also. For a long time I was mortified to have anyone know my child was an addict. (As if they didn’t know.) Today I don’t much give a hoot who knows and who doesn’t. I don’t breech my son’s anonymity outside these meeting places, but I can tell you I no longer live with the shame. My son and I are each traveling our own roads and today the shame, guilt, and fear I once bore is beginning to lesson. I would like to encourage you to keep coming back. The one thing I have learned absolutely is I cannot do this alone. I need the understanding, love, and support of others who are going through the same thing. We offer that to you today.

Thank you for your courage to share your story with us and for reaching out. Please know we do understand and are here to offer you whatever help we can.

Love,
BJW