katie44

I guess I am asking advice on a certain situation. My best friend has adopted a little boy she has had him since he was two days old. His first birthday is next month. Both the bioligal parents are drug addicts oxy's and crack. Thankgoodness thus far little guy is doing great. Part of the problem is my friend has allowed the parents to see the baby on very short occasions trips to McDonalds etc. At first it seemed to be working out okay, recently biological mother is becoming more demanding. She is calling my friend crying with all her problems. This is not the first child she has given up the first one lives with another bioligical dad. My friend is having a birthday party for the little guy and invited bioligical mom. Next thing you know bm invites her own mother who is a drug user supposedly in recovery, also invites ex with the other child. She consistently phones my friend and thanks her for taking care of the little guy. This child was taken away from the CAS at birth. Its like the bm thinks my friend is the babysitter. She also states that she wants her first child, and the baby to be a family. This adoption was not open custody, my friend has felt bad for the mother she is 21 years old. BM is still using as is the BF. My friend is going to see the counsellor to set guidlines regarding seeing the baby. BM is up and down constantly, crying, angry and then as sweet as pie when she wants to see the baby. The way I see it is she is still using. Anytime she has seen the baby she is not high, but she disappears for weeks on end and only wants to see the baby on her time. She never even acknowledged this baby at Christmas yet she can afford to buy drugs. Best friend feels that ties are going to have to be cut. The real knocker is bm wants to have another child. Here we have a 21 year old addict who has given up 2 children and used during a pregnancy. Boyfriend is 38 and has one child who he doesnt take care of and she wants another. There is something terribly wrong to put another child at risk. Any feed back would be appreciated.

GwenMarie30

Wow, I couldnt fathom giving up 2 children and wanting another only to have it taken away too. Maybe she thinks that since she has visitation pretty much when she pops up and you did say that she see the adoptive mother as just a babysitter, then why not have another baby? Also when she is high most of the time this would be ok thought to her. Its what she knows as normal. She probably also likes all the care and attention she gets when pregnant. Your friend is doing what is best already I think. She wont stick to any guideline on seeing the baby and then you said she was thinking to have to cut all ties to BM. I think that would be best until she can prove recovery. JMHO.

cece1960

JMO...
While I am sure your friend is kind beyond description, she may be doing more harm than good in allowing the BM to pop in and out of the childs life.

Nothing will stop the BM from doing what she pleases, but I'm sure the thought of another child seems reasonable given the fact that she has a full time permanent "nanny" to care for the last child she gave birth to.
As harsh as it sounds, she gave up her right to parenting when she continued/continues to use drugs.
I'm not one of those that feel parenting is a right...its a priveledge in my mind.
I'd have to cut the ties, and the sooner the better
Again...JMO
(((Hugs)))

winnie12

What a can of worms she has opened up. I suggest closing it as soon as possible. no contact at all. The adoptive parents are the real parents now and the birth mother should have no contact at all. This child now has two loving stable parents and there is nothing they are going to get from a drug addict mom except pain. Her wanting to see the child is selfish and does nothing for the baby. I would get her out of the child's life before she can cause permanent damage. Maybe your friend should read some of the posts on here about what its like for kids to grow up with an addict for a parent.

outtolunch

In a closed adoption, the birth parents are anonymous.

In an open adoption, the birth parents exchange identifying information and after the placement, may or may not have contact with eachother. It all depends on the documents and laws which vary, state to state.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like this was an open adoption and there is uncertainty about contact and visitation. Your friend may want to consult with their attorney.

As for the BM wanting another child.....my gut says this is part of a plan to exhort money in exchange for producing a sibling.

katie44

You could be right about wanting to extort money. I never thought of that one. This girl can be so sweet and then turn on a dime. She has away of making my friend feel guilty with the big crocodile tears. As far as I can see he only has one mother. She tells friend that she will abide by the guidlines however recently when she sees her bs she says things like "hi its mommy" then she will say to him " you have two mommies" This girl is very inmature. Friend feels very bad becasue she has told the bm that she could see the baby with very strict guidlines and rules. This girl thinks there all one big happy family. Friend would like to cut off ties as she feels it will not be a healthy relationship for the baby. To want to have another child is beyond belief and to expose another fetus to crack. Poor children with this mentality. I know friend will cut ties for sure, its just that friend is filled with guilt having to do it. My friend is a wonderful mother who loves this little guy and would never want to expose him to any of this.

MrsCapricorn2U

I can tell you this it's not in the childrens best interest to be subjected to an addicts world. I am in a simular situation so I feel that I can comment on this on this. The children deserve to be free from harm, hurt and most of all a broken heart. Your friend should set some boundries for herself but most of all for the child. Best of luck to her.:praying