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Again, I really need someone.

Old 01-19-2009, 09:10 PM
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Again, I really need someone.

I posted this on another board and I just copied and pasted it here. The reason Im doing this is because I really need input from those who really know me. Ive been around here for 3 plus years. I dont know what I need but I need something. I dont know if its from the medications that Im taking or if Im just losing it. I really could use some input from friends and not strangers. It is really long and probably doesnt belong in this forum but this is where I know the friends at. I know Anvil will tell it to me like it is and I know Laurie will be along too. So I will be talking to her too. In a way I feel silly, but Im really just at a breaking point too. So here it is:


Hi, Im Gwen. Im 33yo and have 3 kids. I have a multitude of health problems and mental issues as well. I know I dont have it as bad as some others do and Im grateful for that. Its sad that I have to come to a website forum board to empty my gut feelings. Im in a bad place right now. Im safe in my home but I just cant take things anymore. I dot even know if Im postng this in the right place.

I have crohns disease and a spastic colon. I have had 3 surgeries for it and do not respond to medications for it. It flairs evey so often. My flair started in May after 3 years in remission. I have had 3 lithotrypsy surgeries for kidney stones already this year. They keep forming due to the crohns disease. My kidney doctor wont do a 4th surgery because I have no medical insurance and no money to pay him. My stones are trivial the doctors say. They are small enough to pass but wont on their own. Its a constant pain added to other existing pain that is just mounting up. My GI doctor is a good guy and so is my general practioner. Something I need to add here is that I am a recovering drug addict and my drug of choice is narcotic pain meds and meth. I am recovered forthe last 3 plus years. I confided to my docs of the fact of my drug use. They have been very careful to avoid the narcotics. But in August the pain was unbearable. I have been on percocet since August. My doctors have been weening me off because they believe that its not doing any good. They also have been saying things to me that they think Im abusing them. This is the 1st time I have been completely honest about everything. I take them as perscribed and thats it. The pain is only getting worse and they take away the narcotics. I have been hospitalized 5-6 times since May. Either from crohns or kidney stones.

It takes very little to set off unbearble pain for me. I eat something wrong and it sets off the pain. I do to much in a day and it sets off the pain. I stress out to much and it sets off the pain. I live in constant pain and nothing to do about it. My doctors have been dropping me for drug test everytime I see one of them. When I was admitted to the hospital last week they dropped me for a test and said that the narcotic percocet didnt even show up. I swear I was taking them, I was tapering off like they said, but was still taking them. They dropped me an unexpected drug test a month ago and it came back positive for barbituates or whatever. I swore then that I hadnt taken anything. He was sceptical. I had it sent to a lab and it came back positive. I was angry at 1st but then I understood his point too. He is just playing it safe. Well now my GI sent a letter to my GP saying that he would not be giving me any more narcotics. He thinks I was getting them from him and my GP. The only time I would get a scrpit of Narcotics from the other doctor was when I couldnt get into see my GI. And even then I always told him. I always make sure that each doctor knows exactly what the other has perscribed. I dont play doctor shopping. I was being straight on. No lies, no BS. Just honesty.

Now both docs are constantly questioning my need for percocet. The pain only is getting worse and no treatment is working and they are taking away the pain medicaion. They did put me on Neurontin and Lyrica and it is helping to a degree. As long as I dont do anything, I dont hurt. When I start doing something simple like house work or grocery shopping, the pain starts coming back. Ive only been on this medicine for a week. Im giving it a try. But Im doubful as I cant sit on my butt all day. I have two teenage girls and a 4yo boy that is a extremely busy and a handful.

I am not one to feel sorry for my self generally but today is just mounting up to be one big pity party it seems. Im really struggling with my sobriety to just go get pills or meth illegally. Im so fed up with my life in general I just want to walk away form it all. Im tempted to go to a bigger city hospital and get different treatment. I live in a really small country community. The nurse at the emergency room even told me that she is tired of seeing me in so much pain and getting treated as I am and told me to go to the city where I would get treatment. Good Lord, I never meant for this to be so long. I just need comfort from someone who understands and can give me good advice. Maybe I need to just quit feeling sorry and resentful and suck it up and do what they say no matter what. I dont know please, please, please help me.
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:31 PM
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I think Im awfulizing today. I have an appointment on thursday with a pain management doctor.
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:33 PM
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This must be dreadful for you Gwen. It is incredible for me to read that someone can't receive medical treatment cause they've got no money. I live in the UK and we don't have that problem - the system isn't perfect but I don't need to worry if I have money in case of illness.

The physical ailments you have are serious and obviously, it is affecting all aspects of your being. You are being brave sharing all this and you are an intelligent person. I sobered up in 1985, and after 3 years was drinking again. But I've stayed sober since Nov 1988, I'm 54 now and was able to give my family a reasonable life and be a productive, mainly happy member of society.

My wife of almsot 30 yrs and I patted orselves on the back over the good job we'd done with our kids. Then 4 years ago, my world crumbled. I was diagnosed with ALS/Lou Gerhig's disease. It took the medical people about 18 months to diagnose it - but meantime I lost everything, our family home, cars, a holiday chalet, some savings and was bankrupted by the taxman over a pretty small income tax bill!

I was put on various drugs - I'd never really used drugs, smoked weed once or twice and I remember after a long bender, someone gave me a sniff of cocaine which squared me up for more drink. But I'd seen over the years how recovering alcoholics can become easily hooked on pills prescribed. I was given about 7 drugs in all for the ALS - one of which was an opiate dihydrocodiene. Well, the problems I've had with this drug is nobodies business. I knew right away it gave me a mood lift and of course I was quickly hooked. I am now taking 30 a day of 30mg, need 10 first thing to bring my mood up. My doctor, who is also a friend, takes the attitude that I will live for another 2 years at most, so just be comfortable. Once or twice I've run out of them, a long public holiday weekend or that, and I've been climbing walls!!

I hope you get your answers my friend, really, I do. I'm not going to werite any more for now, but if you want, please fell free to contact me and we'll talk.
My very best wishes,
Ben
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:59 PM
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Thanks for your post Ben. I am seeing a pain management doctor on thursday. As I was making the appointment I rattled off the list of medications and she interupted that he wont be prescibing ANY and I stress NONE narcotics. Well that all fine by me as thats the reason Im seeing a pain Doctor. But seriously, why cut out a way of pain managment right off the bat? Im happy to give anything a try.

And like I said in the begining of my post, I AM SO VERY LUCKY, truely I am, that this is all tht I have to deal with. Its a humbling expireince to know that at least I have a life to live and yours will be coming to a close too soon. I am truely sorry Ben for your ALS. Thank you for giving me that today. Makes me take a step back and think and be grateful. But I will continue to seek treatment and keep my sobriety. And maybe with a little more appreciation that I will live longer today.

You have my deepest sympathy. Im not sure thats even the right words. But I will keep you in my deepest prayers tonight.
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Old 01-19-2009, 10:12 PM
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Hi GwenMarie30,

Like you I don't have insurance to pay for traditional kidney stone treatment. I get kidney stones almost weekly, but I have found something that really helps. You see, I only have one large "horseshoe" kidney on my left side. When it goes down, so do I! If I drink this mixture once a day or even every other day my kidney stones are dissolved:

The mixture is:

1 large glass of water
2 tsp. of raw, unfiltered ORGANIC apple cider vinegar (*not the clear kind, but the kind that is cloudy- you have to shake it because it has the "mother" in it)
Honey to taste

I usually dump some honey in a little warm water to dissolve it, then add it to my cider vinegar and large water glass. If you use enough honey the drink tastes rather pleasant. Don't just drink the cider without diluting it though, it will taste horrible and the acidity will not do well for your teeth.

I have found that the slight acidity going through my kidney alleviates the stone formation. I use Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar if that helps.
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Old 01-20-2009, 04:58 AM
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(((Gwen))) I'm very glad you are going to a pain management doctor. There are great strides being made in the field of pain management without the use of addictive drugs. I know that your pain must be excruciating at times....and I also know from my own experience that my diabetic neuropathy (nerve pain in the feet and hands) gets much worse when I am "awfulizing" and stressing about everything.

Good luck and let us know how it goes with the Dr.!

HG
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Old 01-20-2009, 05:19 AM
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Gwen: Good for you for getting the appointment with the pain management doctor, and if s/he doesn't help you, do as the nurse suggested and head out to the big city for help.

You are in my thoughts today.
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Old 01-20-2009, 06:21 AM
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((Gwen))

My heart breaks when I read your post - I can feel your emotional pain as I read it.

I have no suggestions for you, but please know that I am praying for you and asking your HP to pour out His blessing on you and give you direction and comfort as you seek what is best for you in this situation so that you may enjoy your Sober life.

I know that you have been thru some really difficult time and You deserve to be able to enjoy the life you have worked hard to obtain.

HUGS my friend,
Rita
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Old 01-20-2009, 07:05 AM
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I don't have any advice for you either, just lots of prayers. I am very sorry that you are suffering this way. I hope the pain mgmt doctor helps in some way, and you get some relief. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 01-20-2009, 07:19 AM
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seems to me like the key with pain management is finding the right doctor - that one person who understands the total sum of the problems and not just one portion. I'll pray that this new specialist is the perfect one for you.
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Old 01-20-2009, 08:13 AM
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Gwen, I see addict all over you, I can't blame the Dr's., for making thier decision. It's for your own good. Stop looking for a way out of it.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, and most likely withdrawing from the opiates, as well as adjusting to new meds. As soon as you get through this, one step at a time, you can think about what the next step will be.

I like the idea of the recipe above to keep kidney stones out. This is excellent advice and this is the kind of treatment you need, to stop the culprit of the illness, not just stop the pain.

Eat well, get good sleep. Research nutritional and vitamin supplements for your ailment.

I am not one to feel sorry for my self generally but today is just mounting up to be one big pity party it seems. Im really struggling with my sobriety to just go get pills or meth illegally. Im so fed up with my life in general I just want to walk away form it all. Im tempted to go to a bigger city hospital and get different treatment.
And above all, think of your children before you run to the streets for drugs. They need you home and getting well, not you out there making yourself sicker. Okay.

There are other ways "through" this other than narcotics. And you and I know it.
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Old 01-20-2009, 08:16 AM
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Good Morning. Im up this morning feeling a little better today than yesterday kinda. Ive been getting lot of prayers and PM's from alot of friends and they mean alot to me. I have started a list this orning of everything I need to talk to this doctor about like my concerns of this medicine or that. Im also listing how I feel physically and mentally periodicaly thru the day. And I want to ask him to reffer me to a doctor that isnt going to discriminate me too because Im an recovering addict. Im sorry but that really just gets my goat! (Good grief that sounded really county huh?)But seriously Ive done EVERYTHING right and never played the game of who can give me more narcotics. Ive made curtosey calls to the other doctor before appointment time just to let them know. Ive never taken anything other than what and how its perscribed. When they dropped me for a drug test in the ER this last time and the percocet didnt show up in my urine they again asked me if I was even following the rules they set for me.

I dont mind being questioned as they have a job anda license to protect but to all out accuse me? I dont think so. If I wasnt in so much pain in the ER I would have really given him a piece of my mind. I was too scarred to for fear he wouldnt treat me. But you wait till I see him next time. Im thinking that next time may very well be the last time too. I think if I dont get a medium of decency of respect at the pain doctors this thursday, then Im going to St. Louis.

I am NOT an overbearring demanding person. I tend to be quiet mild mannered and easy.

Till I get mad.


But anyway Im not gonna worry about that right now. This other doctor may be really nice and we will be all good. Now then, Ive said my prayers for to day. Kinda nice to sit here quietly with no tv on, the sun is absoluetly brilliantly bright, the dog is stretched full length of her little self half across the couch and across my lap snoring, the 4yo is still sleeping miracle of miracles.
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Old 01-20-2009, 08:39 AM
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Needing Help thanks for the thoughts and I will definitly be talking to my sponsor about that. She knows me very very well. And I will be trying the mix above too. I also tend to eat fresh pinapple too. Thats excellent for kidneys too. As far as the stones go, my urologist has done 3 lythotrypsy's this year already. With lytho there isnt much of the stones left I guess to do a lab test to comprise what the stones are made of. He said he needed to do a 4th surgery right after the 3rd lytho because he couldnt get the left kidney at the same time. But he refuses to do the surgery or see me because I cant pay $1000 upfront. So Im left on my own till I can get medical coverage to get the next surgery done. Te next surgery he does is what is called stone manipulation with stent replacements o he can actually retrieve the stones.

And its not about what doctor will give me narcotic and who wont. If that was the problem they wouldnt have made such a big deal out of me getting percocet from one doctor and getting them from another and ten testingme and the percocet didnt even show. Its about faulty urine test and them coming back and accusing me of either being positive for one drug that Im not taking and for not taking my narcotic when I have been.

The deal with that is they wanted me to taper off the narcotic and I was doing so. They dropped me for a drug test and it came up negative for percocet. They got mad thinking I wasnt following treatment when I was. And in my post above, I made menton of the fact that I would make sure the other doctor knew that I had gooten another script from my other doctor. The only time I would get another script fom my other doctor was when I couldnt get in to see him or when he's out of town. So, its not about the percocet. Its really just about finding a right treatment with out them accusing me of being an addict and doing illegal things.

I never once abused my percocet. I just dont want them to use my recovery against better treatment. But I will keep your post in mind when I talk to my sponsor today. I really appreciate the post. It gives me something to think about.
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Old 01-20-2009, 08:40 AM
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gwen, i know you well & it breaks my heart to know u r going thru all of this. i know the journey u have been on. i hope this pain management dr. can help you. you are in my prayers & i pray you will remember where you are & where you have been before you "run" down the road. that will make matters worse & you know that without me telling you. i am sending you a big hug. i care about you alot & so do lots of other people. i hope this will b a good day for you. when the pain gets to bad just go to bed & get up only when it is necessary. keep coming back & let us know how u r .
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Old 01-20-2009, 09:01 AM
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You're in my prayers, Gwen. Praying that the doctor you see will treat you with respect, and give you the best possible treatment options.

The above mix is good for your metabolism, and joints as well as your kidneys. Alot of the "older" people around here swear by it to keep them feeling healthy.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 01-20-2009, 10:03 AM
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I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you
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Old 01-20-2009, 10:06 AM
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thanks for the thoughts and I will definitly be talking to my sponsor about that. She knows me very very well. And I will be trying the mix above too. I also tend to eat fresh pinapple too. Thats excellent for kidneys too.
Okay, I hope your listening to your sponsor.

I never once abused my percocet.
My AH told me this many times over, while barely being able to talk straight, drive straight, think straight, or anything straight.
And this amittedly is your DOC....any narcotic for a NA is fatal. Your Dr.'s now have to treat that disease by not treating you with narcotics. Thank HP for the good Dr's. I wouldn't want to be partially responsible for your relapsing, or potential death either.
Gwen, if I remember correctly just last July you were surprised a Dr. gave you a script for vicodin after you clearly told him you were an NA. Now you are where you are.
I know you wish you probably had never told them, but recovery is your responsibility.

I don't know why your urine tests turned out the way they did, but call it a blessing that maybe HP is doing for you what you haven't or couldn't do for yourself.

We want to see you get better without drugs that are fatal for you. I'm sure HP and your children want the same.

Stay with the meds your on and get lots of rest. Trust the Dr's care now, and don't try to take things into your own hands. Hoping for the best.
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Old 01-20-2009, 12:11 PM
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Gwen,
if it's possible, when you see your Dr. on Thursday, ask if he can refer you to a "pain Clinic" that way, you can discuss your history, and they can prescribe what's best for you.


Hugs.....
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Old 01-20-2009, 12:19 PM
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Im leaving now to go do something to get out of myself. Im going to go do some community service with the humane society and play with the puppies and kittens. I think its bst for me not to sit on my butt today. Thaks so much for the replies. I am definitly taking notes from here too.
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Old 01-20-2009, 09:23 PM
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Hope you are feeling better soon, Gwen. Sending prayers. Getting out of your head sounds like a terrific plan. I know I find it makes a huge difference for me. hugs
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