Newcomer: Moving forward after leaving opiate/heroin addict husband
scorpgrl1978
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
Newcomer: Moving forward after leaving opiate/heroin addict husband
Hello, everyone, so glad to find a place online where people can help and support each other. My story is this:
My husband is an opiate/heroin addict and compulsive liar. We had been married for almost 4 years, and while in the beginning everything was going fantastic, my husband was hiding a terrible opiate addiction from me for over a year. I initially found out after the birth of our daughter, on a trip to NYC for my birthday. Thankfully my daughter wasn't there, but the night we arrived, I awoke to find him laboring through his breathing. After calling 911, I was informed at the hospital that my husband had aspirated in his sleep and had I not woken up and called an ambulance, he would have died. I was later told by the doctors that the drug result came back and he had a mixture of hydrocodone, methadone, xanax, and morphine in his system. I couldn't begin to explain my disbelief and shock, but as it began to sink in I realized and remembered the odd occurences here and there; the random phone calls he would make, the brief trips out in the night "to the store", his sometimes indifferent and lazy attitude, which I usually chalked up to his drinking a beer on occasion. I should have been more aware. He was released from the hospital and was immediately remorseful, saying that his near death experience had been a wake up call. I separated from him for a month afterwards, and after speaking to him several times on the phone, he convinced me to give him another chance.
After that, my trust in his wasn't the same. I began to watch his every movement, my anxiety at a constant state of alert. We tried to go to meetings together, but he was always very begrudging about it, saying that he "could take care of this myself". He would also give me many guilt trips about questioning him, and our relationship slowly began to dwindle and erode away. I became pregnant again, and after our 2nd child was born, (my son), his behavior became erratic/indifferent again. I noticed him leaving a lot again, or going out to his car, or being just more secretive in general. Finally I went into his cell phone while he was in the shower, (this was one time he had left it out in the open...usually he was VERY protective of his cell phone), and found text messages between him and his dealers. I confronted him about it, and after an hour of denial, and telling me that I was crazy...he finally admitted to it. I made arrangements with my family and left him shortly after that, and filed for divorce. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
That was back in October. It is now January, and since our split, he went to Texas to stay with his mother (who is also a drug addict), went to rehab for one week, checked himself out, and three weeks ago he got arrested and found in possession of 5 used needles, 1/2 gram of heroin, 3 hydrocodone pills, and a xanax pill. Before this arrest he would call sporadically...and he did not come down for Xmas to see his children, even though he promised he would for weeks beforehand. He was arrested the night of New Year's Eve. Once he was arrested, he called me every day from prison, (collect), begging me to help him, promising that he had sent me letters (I never recieved any), and that once he got out he would become the family man/husband that he should be. I found out a few days ago that his grandmother finally gave in and bailed him out two days ago........and I haven't heard from him at all.
I have dealt with the grief and loss of my marriage, as I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that things would have ended this way the day I said "I do"...nor would I have ever even dreamed of filing divorce from him....but I did and I know I did the right thing. My children are safe with me, there is peace, and while I still feel sad and lonely, I do believe that my life is still filled with love, and I still am young and have a great deal of life left to live. I am afraid that one day I will receive a call that he has been found dead. Although the trust is gone, I do still love and care for him, and he is still the father of my children. But I feel that there is nothing I can do to stop or change him, and that I must continue to move forward in my life.
I do wonder sometimes if he ever really did love me, or if it was all just a huge lie. That's the worst part of the addiction was the lying and the betrayal. It has made me question everything that ever happened between us.
I'm glad to have found this site, and I hope to share and receive help and support to those who are family of substance abusers, and make sense of this horrible disease that affects us as loved ones most of all, I think. Thank you for letting me be a part of this online community.
My husband is an opiate/heroin addict and compulsive liar. We had been married for almost 4 years, and while in the beginning everything was going fantastic, my husband was hiding a terrible opiate addiction from me for over a year. I initially found out after the birth of our daughter, on a trip to NYC for my birthday. Thankfully my daughter wasn't there, but the night we arrived, I awoke to find him laboring through his breathing. After calling 911, I was informed at the hospital that my husband had aspirated in his sleep and had I not woken up and called an ambulance, he would have died. I was later told by the doctors that the drug result came back and he had a mixture of hydrocodone, methadone, xanax, and morphine in his system. I couldn't begin to explain my disbelief and shock, but as it began to sink in I realized and remembered the odd occurences here and there; the random phone calls he would make, the brief trips out in the night "to the store", his sometimes indifferent and lazy attitude, which I usually chalked up to his drinking a beer on occasion. I should have been more aware. He was released from the hospital and was immediately remorseful, saying that his near death experience had been a wake up call. I separated from him for a month afterwards, and after speaking to him several times on the phone, he convinced me to give him another chance.
After that, my trust in his wasn't the same. I began to watch his every movement, my anxiety at a constant state of alert. We tried to go to meetings together, but he was always very begrudging about it, saying that he "could take care of this myself". He would also give me many guilt trips about questioning him, and our relationship slowly began to dwindle and erode away. I became pregnant again, and after our 2nd child was born, (my son), his behavior became erratic/indifferent again. I noticed him leaving a lot again, or going out to his car, or being just more secretive in general. Finally I went into his cell phone while he was in the shower, (this was one time he had left it out in the open...usually he was VERY protective of his cell phone), and found text messages between him and his dealers. I confronted him about it, and after an hour of denial, and telling me that I was crazy...he finally admitted to it. I made arrangements with my family and left him shortly after that, and filed for divorce. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
That was back in October. It is now January, and since our split, he went to Texas to stay with his mother (who is also a drug addict), went to rehab for one week, checked himself out, and three weeks ago he got arrested and found in possession of 5 used needles, 1/2 gram of heroin, 3 hydrocodone pills, and a xanax pill. Before this arrest he would call sporadically...and he did not come down for Xmas to see his children, even though he promised he would for weeks beforehand. He was arrested the night of New Year's Eve. Once he was arrested, he called me every day from prison, (collect), begging me to help him, promising that he had sent me letters (I never recieved any), and that once he got out he would become the family man/husband that he should be. I found out a few days ago that his grandmother finally gave in and bailed him out two days ago........and I haven't heard from him at all.
I have dealt with the grief and loss of my marriage, as I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that things would have ended this way the day I said "I do"...nor would I have ever even dreamed of filing divorce from him....but I did and I know I did the right thing. My children are safe with me, there is peace, and while I still feel sad and lonely, I do believe that my life is still filled with love, and I still am young and have a great deal of life left to live. I am afraid that one day I will receive a call that he has been found dead. Although the trust is gone, I do still love and care for him, and he is still the father of my children. But I feel that there is nothing I can do to stop or change him, and that I must continue to move forward in my life.
I do wonder sometimes if he ever really did love me, or if it was all just a huge lie. That's the worst part of the addiction was the lying and the betrayal. It has made me question everything that ever happened between us.
I'm glad to have found this site, and I hope to share and receive help and support to those who are family of substance abusers, and make sense of this horrible disease that affects us as loved ones most of all, I think. Thank you for letting me be a part of this online community.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Welcome to SR..
I'm so sorry for your pain....
Thats a beautiful attitude to have about your situation and it will carry you far and wide in your recovery
I think they love us in their own way... but addicts have no idea how to love themselves, be truthful with themselves, or to respect themselves so how the heck can they express these things to someone else..
I'm so sorry for your pain....
I have dealt with the grief and loss of my marriage, as I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that things would have ended this way the day I said "I do"...nor would I have ever even dreamed of filing divorce from him....but I did and I know I did the right thing. My children are safe with me, there is peace, and while I still feel sad and lonely, I do believe that my life is still filled with love, and I still am young and have a great deal of life left to live.
I do wonder sometimes if he ever really did love me, or if it was all just a huge lie. That's the worst part of the addiction was the lying and the betrayal. It has made me question everything that ever happened between us
scorpgrl1978
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
Thank you for your kind words. I greatly appreciate them. You are right, I know that addicts seem to have no understanding of the impact they are causing, nor do they seem to realize the consequences, as the instant gratification outweighs everything else.
I do feel a great deal of pain every day, and I try to be strong for my kids, but when they are not looking, I let myself cry. and I get angry and sometimes scream out to the air, asking him (my husband) why he did this to us.
I also pray, and that has brought me a tremendous amount of relief and peace, so I am thankful to God above all else for the support I feel in my heart that He has given as well.
I do feel a great deal of pain every day, and I try to be strong for my kids, but when they are not looking, I let myself cry. and I get angry and sometimes scream out to the air, asking him (my husband) why he did this to us.
I also pray, and that has brought me a tremendous amount of relief and peace, so I am thankful to God above all else for the support I feel in my heart that He has given as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 24
Hello Sister. I don't often use that term...but I think we are sisters....the only difference is that you woke up, were aware and divorced, my marriage ended with my burying (cremating) my husband. I have two little ones as well. I also am new here (it's been 18 months since my AH died of either an overdose or a bad batch of heroin...I never had an autopsy, the packets in his pocket were enough to tell me what happened).
I too, question everything that happened btwn my AH and me.... but I know, I know that I know that I know...that I loved him. And that mine was a pure love and that knowledge sustains me. I believe that when he was sober, his love was true as well (though I now recall his questioning my love on more than one occasion...perhaps he didn't believe he was worthy of love...).
And you have every right to be angry...I too scream and cry when no one is looking (though that doesn't happen as much as it once did).
Please know you're not alone. I just found this place and already I feel so much support. I pray you will too. Feel free to look at my previous posts to see my story...if you like.
Please feel free to PM me as well.. again, I'm have two little ones and I know how much you have on your plate. And that you never bargained to go this alone---let alone under these circumstances.
Hugs to you, my friend.
HW
I too, question everything that happened btwn my AH and me.... but I know, I know that I know that I know...that I loved him. And that mine was a pure love and that knowledge sustains me. I believe that when he was sober, his love was true as well (though I now recall his questioning my love on more than one occasion...perhaps he didn't believe he was worthy of love...).
And you have every right to be angry...I too scream and cry when no one is looking (though that doesn't happen as much as it once did).
Please know you're not alone. I just found this place and already I feel so much support. I pray you will too. Feel free to look at my previous posts to see my story...if you like.
Please feel free to PM me as well.. again, I'm have two little ones and I know how much you have on your plate. And that you never bargained to go this alone---let alone under these circumstances.
Hugs to you, my friend.
HW
scorpgrl1978
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
Thank you Heroin Widow. I have read your previous posts, and they have most certainly struck a familiar chord within me. its almost like looking into the not too distant future, I'm afraid. I do often think that sooner or later I will receive a phone call that he has been found dead, or something of that nature. It scares me endlessly....but I also try to keep moving forward.
This has been a very helpful place for me. I will say that as time slowly crawls forward, I find myself more and more at peace with where I am at in life right now. Currently I am a student enrolled into my local university, taking pre-requisites for the RN program. I know now that if I am to be a single mother of two small ones, I must make sure that both their lives and mine will be stable in this increasingly unstable economy we live in. I know that nursing will be a stable path for me and my children.
I will also say that having such wonderful children helps me to push forward through all of this. I know that the love I receive from them withstands any pain or torment I go through, and while my husband is out of sight, yet still in my mind....I am sure that I sleep better than he does at night. I do pray that he will make the right change, but I also brace myself for the worst to come.
Thanks for being here.
This has been a very helpful place for me. I will say that as time slowly crawls forward, I find myself more and more at peace with where I am at in life right now. Currently I am a student enrolled into my local university, taking pre-requisites for the RN program. I know now that if I am to be a single mother of two small ones, I must make sure that both their lives and mine will be stable in this increasingly unstable economy we live in. I know that nursing will be a stable path for me and my children.
I will also say that having such wonderful children helps me to push forward through all of this. I know that the love I receive from them withstands any pain or torment I go through, and while my husband is out of sight, yet still in my mind....I am sure that I sleep better than he does at night. I do pray that he will make the right change, but I also brace myself for the worst to come.
Thanks for being here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: San Diego Calif
Posts: 2
I can so relate
[B]I am so very sorry to read of your trial and trust, that was totally betrayed. This story strikes home like we were writing it ourselves. Thankyou so much for your courage to share and let us know that we are NOT alone in this world of addiction. Disease or not, the hurt is none the less. I pray for you, as I pray for our family, on a daily basis. God only knows why this has taken over our families and our lives in such storm. Please know that you are not alone in this pain and agony. We too, are broken and with children who will never know what a Daddy is. Why.....oh why.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: San Diego Calif
Posts: 2
You sweet thing-your story is so close to home. Continue on your nurse training, it IS the way to go, You and your children will do well-FORGET about the addict. My son is doing the same thing to my precious daughter in law and grand daughter and grandson to be. He has torn us ALL up for so long, promises, lies, promises and MORE lies. PLEASE take care of YOURSELF and your kids. My heart goes out to you as it does to my precious daughter. I HATE this disease. WHY is it taking over our world, and worse yet, our family unit. I will follow you and pray for you daily.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'd like to add my welcome to SR, and I too am sorry for your pain.
I was a single parent for many years too, and am just now completing my college degree! I hope you continue to post and please know you are among friends. :ghug :ghug
I was a single parent for many years too, and am just now completing my college degree! I hope you continue to post and please know you are among friends. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Akron
Posts: 6
pondering leaving my heroin addict husband...
..... He used to be such a wonderful man. Everything... Literally EVERYTHING you mentioned in your story is almost identical to what I'm going through. Staying at his moms, mother is also a drug addict, complaining about me questioning him and he is so messed up all the time he cannit function anymore. It's gotten so bad.
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