Newbie in relationship with Crack Addict
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Lots of solid feedback here from some people who are recovering crack addicts.
This " one more chance" thing is a lot like just "one more hit" for an addict.
Guard your wallet and do not give him money, no matter what he says. Double -up on the BC cause a baby is not going to make sober.
Sounds like a romantic weekend, eh?
This " one more chance" thing is a lot like just "one more hit" for an addict.
Guard your wallet and do not give him money, no matter what he says. Double -up on the BC cause a baby is not going to make sober.
Sounds like a romantic weekend, eh?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
What everyone has said is the "absolute truth". There is no such thing as a "happily ever after" with an addict. All of us have tried everything before you, thought of every angle, detail, to turn things around.I would have been better off just to beat my head against a wall, and mine was so sweet also,when he wanted something that is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by jan123 
There is no such thing as a "happily ever after" with an addict.
Recovery takes time, years of time and effort, serious effort, regardless of the drug of choice. Saying and doing are not the same things. Abstience and learning and employing new strategies to cope with life as it is, instead of how it should be, is HUGE, especially when it's easier to get high.
Some say relapse is a part of recovery. Other say relapse is a part of addiction. All I know is that they are different sides of the street. And there is absolutely nothing that anyone else can do to make someone stay on the right side of the street.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
I had to post a reply to this thread. I have been in a relationship with a crack addict for almost two years now. They are very manipulative people and like hello-kitty said, they don't take no for an answer. They are very hard to get rid of.
One thing I can say about him though is that he has always been there for me when I have needed help. When the hurricane hit last summer and my house was damaged and I had no electricity for 2-1/2 weeks, he made sure I had a place to stay and he took care of me. A huge tree had fallen in my front yard and he got a chain saw and cut the tree up by himself and put it on the street. When I had to have a new motor put in my car and it was in the shop for over two weeks, he borrowed a car from his mother for me to use. He has been good to me, but he disappears almost every weekend for a crack binge.
They can be wonderful people with a horrible addiction. I know there is no future for us because I just don't think he has any interest in getting off the crack.
Take care of yourself. You deserve better, as do I.
One thing I can say about him though is that he has always been there for me when I have needed help. When the hurricane hit last summer and my house was damaged and I had no electricity for 2-1/2 weeks, he made sure I had a place to stay and he took care of me. A huge tree had fallen in my front yard and he got a chain saw and cut the tree up by himself and put it on the street. When I had to have a new motor put in my car and it was in the shop for over two weeks, he borrowed a car from his mother for me to use. He has been good to me, but he disappears almost every weekend for a crack binge.
They can be wonderful people with a horrible addiction. I know there is no future for us because I just don't think he has any interest in getting off the crack.
Take care of yourself. You deserve better, as do I.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He has been good to me, but he disappears almost every weekend for a crack binge.
People who smoke crack are not wonderful people. Maybe they were once, but no more. Having been there I can tell you we are hardly people at all when we use crack. We are drug seeking machines and that is all. We only care about others when it suits our purposes or when it doesn't get in the way of our dope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 11
Alot of this is so tough to hear...I just feel really torn. Hello-Kitty...I will take your advice and really stick to the this is your last chance. With him being so far away I think it will make it easier to do.
Just for the record, I have never given him money or a place to live, his parents said he has never stolen from them and after 2 years of using crack this was his first time in jail. Now I am not trying to say my crackhead is better than yours but I just wanted to put that all out there.
Thanks again to everyone.
Just for the record, I have never given him money or a place to live, his parents said he has never stolen from them and after 2 years of using crack this was his first time in jail. Now I am not trying to say my crackhead is better than yours but I just wanted to put that all out there.
Thanks again to everyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by anvilhead
long ago there was this article that was like a tour of a crackhouse, i was doing a search for it, but got nauseous.
It's Not A Crack House, It's A Crack Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
It's supposed to be funny. It's not.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 22
anvilhead hit the nail on the head with exactly what goes on. On the verge of freaking out, or just plain freaking out, when on crack, one can stand in a corner of the room just looking around, for a VERY long time. The first hit is enough to make you want to take off all your clothes (for some reason?), and you really lose all your inhibitions. When the stuff is all gone, freak out time really begins. One would rob their own grandma to get another hit. It makes you really frustrated, and your ability to feel love towards anybody who's not willing to help you get that next hit is next to impossible. And then that's not really loving one who would help, that's using them. You walk circles when your high, move from one spot to the next, and back again.
While your bf has been doing it for 2 years and never gotten caught, my exabf has been doing it nearly two decades and never gotten caught. Doesn't mean anything. I did it for nearly a month and came within inches of being caught within three weeks with him. Some people's luck runs out sooner then others. But the luck always runs out.
And yes, I've been involved with a crack addict for the past 4 years in an on and off relationship. If I could go back to the day I met him, and erase it all (but still keep my dghtr) I would. I never thought he'd cheat, never thought he'd steal, never thought he'd leave me a single mom, never thought he would betray our love, or that I could feel such pure hatred from a single person, all while they claimed to love me. I never thought he'd be able to stoop so low, but while you are doing drugs, you are morally bankrupt, nothing matters except that high, and happy feeling, and you don't care about anyone else. There is no concept of time, and making a pure and thorough connection to anyone is nearly impossible. I've been clean for almost a week now (after my month of using), and I still am having trouble feeling the pure love I was once filled with. I wake up every morning miserable, and considering going back to my ex. It's getting easier day by day. But when the lows hit, they hit. Walking away though, was probably the move that saved my life, my daughter's life, and certainly feels better then any other options right now.
Run and run fast. This is a path that will 99% lead you to heartache. Upon talking to a counselor I found out my ex's chances of recovery WITH impatient rehab were 3%, without rehab it was less then 1%. That is not good odds.
While your bf has been doing it for 2 years and never gotten caught, my exabf has been doing it nearly two decades and never gotten caught. Doesn't mean anything. I did it for nearly a month and came within inches of being caught within three weeks with him. Some people's luck runs out sooner then others. But the luck always runs out.
And yes, I've been involved with a crack addict for the past 4 years in an on and off relationship. If I could go back to the day I met him, and erase it all (but still keep my dghtr) I would. I never thought he'd cheat, never thought he'd steal, never thought he'd leave me a single mom, never thought he would betray our love, or that I could feel such pure hatred from a single person, all while they claimed to love me. I never thought he'd be able to stoop so low, but while you are doing drugs, you are morally bankrupt, nothing matters except that high, and happy feeling, and you don't care about anyone else. There is no concept of time, and making a pure and thorough connection to anyone is nearly impossible. I've been clean for almost a week now (after my month of using), and I still am having trouble feeling the pure love I was once filled with. I wake up every morning miserable, and considering going back to my ex. It's getting easier day by day. But when the lows hit, they hit. Walking away though, was probably the move that saved my life, my daughter's life, and certainly feels better then any other options right now.
Run and run fast. This is a path that will 99% lead you to heartache. Upon talking to a counselor I found out my ex's chances of recovery WITH impatient rehab were 3%, without rehab it was less then 1%. That is not good odds.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I have sent a couple of PM's to Chicago but I wanted to comment here too in case anyone else is in this situation.
I could have written 99% of everything here. I lived with a crack addict/alcoholic for 2 years and it was 2 years of total chaos. I had heard of crack but had never experienced anything to do with it or especially anyone that did it. Oh my x was the most charming, loving, sweet talking man I had ever met (should have known!!!) and I loved him when he was "clean" but that "clean" never lasted.
The effects from smoking crack are horrible to see when you've never experienced that before. It has broken a part of me.
I came to this board because I had HOPE. I just KNEW my bf could beat this with my help. Didn't happen. I fought hard to keep him in my life, I cried, begged, screamed, pleaded, prayed for him to get help. Nothing worked. I was falling apart mentally and physically so I had to walk away from someone that I thought I loved more than life itself. Did I WANT to end it with him? NO - not at all. I wanted him to get better and see what a wonderful life we could have together. I gave him ultimatums only to not follow thru with them and have him use over and over again while denying it to the end.
Oh my - just reading thru this thread has reminded me of all of the HELL that I put up with over the past 2 years. If I could tell you anything - it would be to go back and re-read every post here and feel the pain and the pleading that everyone is trying to get across.
Peace be with you.
I could have written 99% of everything here. I lived with a crack addict/alcoholic for 2 years and it was 2 years of total chaos. I had heard of crack but had never experienced anything to do with it or especially anyone that did it. Oh my x was the most charming, loving, sweet talking man I had ever met (should have known!!!) and I loved him when he was "clean" but that "clean" never lasted.
The effects from smoking crack are horrible to see when you've never experienced that before. It has broken a part of me.
I came to this board because I had HOPE. I just KNEW my bf could beat this with my help. Didn't happen. I fought hard to keep him in my life, I cried, begged, screamed, pleaded, prayed for him to get help. Nothing worked. I was falling apart mentally and physically so I had to walk away from someone that I thought I loved more than life itself. Did I WANT to end it with him? NO - not at all. I wanted him to get better and see what a wonderful life we could have together. I gave him ultimatums only to not follow thru with them and have him use over and over again while denying it to the end.
Oh my - just reading thru this thread has reminded me of all of the HELL that I put up with over the past 2 years. If I could tell you anything - it would be to go back and re-read every post here and feel the pain and the pleading that everyone is trying to get across.
Peace be with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 11
Just thought I would check in with an update....My boyfriend is 2 months clean on his way to completing 90 in 90. Things are going really well for him, he is going back to school with money he has from his time in the military. I am not thinking this is over but I really feel like this could be it, I know I have nothing to do with that, only there to support him and cheer him on through his recovery. He has an AMAZING sponsor I got to meet him. He is really helping him to really work the program. Doing the readings, doing pre worksheets, and then the workbook. Calling him, meeting with him, having meetings with him and his other sponcees all together.
Anyway what was a real break through for me was going to a meeting with him. Recovery 1st! Anything you put before it will be the first thing you lose.
Hopefully I can update you in a few more months with more good news. Thanks for all the advice and support.
Anyway what was a real break through for me was going to a meeting with him. Recovery 1st! Anything you put before it will be the first thing you lose.
Hopefully I can update you in a few more months with more good news. Thanks for all the advice and support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 85
Thanks for your post, my heart goes out to you...I allowed myself to be dragged through my boyfriend's addiction for 7 years. Out of the frying pan into the fire...divorced in 2002, the frying pan represents an angry ex-husband (resulted from his childhood) who would have outbursts...He never hit me but had constant loud outbursts of anger at the smallest issue....he would repress the anger for two weeks and let it out on me..an ongoing cycle that lasted 11-1/2 years...and I finally left because I got tired of walking on egg shells the whole marriage.
I divorced my angry verbally abusive ex after he punched a hole in a bedroom door while yelling at me in front of my kids. He consented to the divorce (because I always believed he also was cheating at the time).
Meanwhile while going through the divorce, I would travel 75 miles to my small home town with my kids..drop them at their grandmother's and just drive to clear my head.
Just goes, I happen to drive past my hs sweetheart's house and caught a glimpse of him from afar on his mom's back porch barbecuing at night (he did not see me drive by)...I was amazed and happy he was there, went to a phone booth and called him.....and from there it was out of the frying pan into the fire...after 2 weeks because of neglect and abuse from my bad marriage, like a caged bird set free and seeking love, sex starved, I fell into his arms literally..back in love again like 29 years ago.
He answered the phone when I called...said Tam? is this you? I ignored that and said no it's me, and he was like wow...im so glad to hear from you baby, its been a long time. I told him I would be traveling back to my soon to be ex's home for a divorce and he told me "look me up on *****"...and I did.
I got the divorce, packed up my stuff...got an advance off a credit card for an apartment. Not knowing what I know now, I let my boyfriend move in 2 months after my divorce. My family members were angry at me for "leaving a good provider"(my ex)...They had "heard some things about my boyfriend from people I did not even know in our gossip hometown". Did that stop me?..Nooo... He had some issues out of this world...chat room addiction, baby-mama drama, brother on crack..(I'll spare you further details)...but I was still in love with him.
To make a long story short, I allowed the alcoholic/crack addict/polysubstance abuser/love of my life to live with me for 1-1/2 years literally not knowing what I was doing until I finally joined this SR site in 2003 or 2004 and finally accepted and learned over a long period of time that I was dealing with a full blown addict with all the attributes and behavior, signs, etc. Although, I grew up around addicts/alcoholics in my neighborhood and had relatives and mom's boyfriends like this, but oddly I still was not aware of what addiction really was.
I allowed him to drag me through codependency for 7 years now....Why? because I love him, he is the love of my life, my first lover, my prom date, my soulmate....but whats wrong with the picture? All the good things only have been true during rollercoaster on and off sobriety..something that has made me feel very mentally unstable, isolated, and paranoid and unhealthy the last 3 years. My own sister admitted yesterday that she thought I was secretly using drugs because I stayed in the relationship so long until now.
I stopped being intimate with him last October because of fear, but slipped up once in December. He did not protest, shrugged and said "I will wait for you, then" and that opened my eyes further that I probably was not his only sex partner the whole 6 years, though he vehemently denied and told me he never cheated and had no desire to (at least not while he was sober).
So now presently, 4 weeks ago I broke up with him totally and things have been really hard for me..I have yet to join a local support group here...I'm reading here a lot but I'm drinking beer twice a week, its just my kids and me...they miss him and they wonder why mommy goes to sleep with her clothes on sometimes and why I'm so angry a lot lately....maybe because I'm facing "I told you so's from family members" and it's taking everything I have in me to not contact him or respond to him...but I think I'm doing okay so far.
All I have to say is take care of yourself...keep educating yourself and dont let his addiction "drag" you through a "mental mill" for 7 years like me ...I look in the mirror and I am angry and ashamed now because it took me this long to actually do what I knew to do a long time ago....let go.
Love and hugs,
GG
I divorced my angry verbally abusive ex after he punched a hole in a bedroom door while yelling at me in front of my kids. He consented to the divorce (because I always believed he also was cheating at the time).
Meanwhile while going through the divorce, I would travel 75 miles to my small home town with my kids..drop them at their grandmother's and just drive to clear my head.
Just goes, I happen to drive past my hs sweetheart's house and caught a glimpse of him from afar on his mom's back porch barbecuing at night (he did not see me drive by)...I was amazed and happy he was there, went to a phone booth and called him.....and from there it was out of the frying pan into the fire...after 2 weeks because of neglect and abuse from my bad marriage, like a caged bird set free and seeking love, sex starved, I fell into his arms literally..back in love again like 29 years ago.
He answered the phone when I called...said Tam? is this you? I ignored that and said no it's me, and he was like wow...im so glad to hear from you baby, its been a long time. I told him I would be traveling back to my soon to be ex's home for a divorce and he told me "look me up on *****"...and I did.
I got the divorce, packed up my stuff...got an advance off a credit card for an apartment. Not knowing what I know now, I let my boyfriend move in 2 months after my divorce. My family members were angry at me for "leaving a good provider"(my ex)...They had "heard some things about my boyfriend from people I did not even know in our gossip hometown". Did that stop me?..Nooo... He had some issues out of this world...chat room addiction, baby-mama drama, brother on crack..(I'll spare you further details)...but I was still in love with him.
To make a long story short, I allowed the alcoholic/crack addict/polysubstance abuser/love of my life to live with me for 1-1/2 years literally not knowing what I was doing until I finally joined this SR site in 2003 or 2004 and finally accepted and learned over a long period of time that I was dealing with a full blown addict with all the attributes and behavior, signs, etc. Although, I grew up around addicts/alcoholics in my neighborhood and had relatives and mom's boyfriends like this, but oddly I still was not aware of what addiction really was.
I allowed him to drag me through codependency for 7 years now....Why? because I love him, he is the love of my life, my first lover, my prom date, my soulmate....but whats wrong with the picture? All the good things only have been true during rollercoaster on and off sobriety..something that has made me feel very mentally unstable, isolated, and paranoid and unhealthy the last 3 years. My own sister admitted yesterday that she thought I was secretly using drugs because I stayed in the relationship so long until now.
I stopped being intimate with him last October because of fear, but slipped up once in December. He did not protest, shrugged and said "I will wait for you, then" and that opened my eyes further that I probably was not his only sex partner the whole 6 years, though he vehemently denied and told me he never cheated and had no desire to (at least not while he was sober).
So now presently, 4 weeks ago I broke up with him totally and things have been really hard for me..I have yet to join a local support group here...I'm reading here a lot but I'm drinking beer twice a week, its just my kids and me...they miss him and they wonder why mommy goes to sleep with her clothes on sometimes and why I'm so angry a lot lately....maybe because I'm facing "I told you so's from family members" and it's taking everything I have in me to not contact him or respond to him...but I think I'm doing okay so far.
All I have to say is take care of yourself...keep educating yourself and dont let his addiction "drag" you through a "mental mill" for 7 years like me ...I look in the mirror and I am angry and ashamed now because it took me this long to actually do what I knew to do a long time ago....let go.
Love and hugs,
GG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
welcome!!!
Lots of good crack specific info here.
Crack Cocaine Addiction Information for Families of Crack Cocaine Addicts
And you'll find a lot of support here.
Lots of good crack specific info here.
Crack Cocaine Addiction Information for Families of Crack Cocaine Addicts
And you'll find a lot of support here.
Go Browns!
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 642
Hey and thanks for sharing your story, you will find lots of support here!
I am a recovering opiate addict (pain pills). It sounds like you really care for this man but crack is very, very hard to quit. I hate to break it to you, but you havent been with this guy long and before you spend years and years with him, I would consider keeping it on the friendship level. I know that is easier said than done. And just because crack is hard to quit, doesnt mean he cant do it. However, you are delving into something VERY serious in a very short amount of time. Good luck to you
I am a recovering opiate addict (pain pills). It sounds like you really care for this man but crack is very, very hard to quit. I hate to break it to you, but you havent been with this guy long and before you spend years and years with him, I would consider keeping it on the friendship level. I know that is easier said than done. And just because crack is hard to quit, doesnt mean he cant do it. However, you are delving into something VERY serious in a very short amount of time. Good luck to you
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Hi Chicago-make sure you stick to your words 'one more chance'
I have been saying that over & over to my abf for 4 years now-the longer you are involved with him, the harder it will be to leave him.
If I had found this site when I first met my abf, I would have listened to the advice given. The advice here is honest and very realistic. It is NOT worth the heartache, you get soo wrapped up in the addicts mess, it screws your own head. Now I (like many others here) have to spend a long time sorting OUR own selves out!
I hope you make the right decision.
Make sure you read the old posts and realise what you are setting yourself up for.
x
I have been saying that over & over to my abf for 4 years now-the longer you are involved with him, the harder it will be to leave him.
If I had found this site when I first met my abf, I would have listened to the advice given. The advice here is honest and very realistic. It is NOT worth the heartache, you get soo wrapped up in the addicts mess, it screws your own head. Now I (like many others here) have to spend a long time sorting OUR own selves out!
I hope you make the right decision.
Make sure you read the old posts and realise what you are setting yourself up for.
x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
I usually dont post here, but as a recovering Crack addict.... I highly recommend get away from the guy. Run away!!!! If he cleans up his act someday, then who knows? But for now? Take care of yourself. 
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
You came here for advise and support and the best answer for you is to listen to the smart people that have posted above.....all of us that have/had a crack addict in our lives tried, reasoned, denied and gave that one more chance, sometime over and over again....could they all be wrong, even the recovering addicts on here (and my hat is off to them) are telling you that you should save yourself....we each thought that our addict was different, if I just loved them enough and stood by them, then certainly they would change for me......no one loves someone more than the parents on here and it makes not one bit of difference until/unless the addict has had enough.....some/most never do and will drag you down into the very pits of hell right along with them.....I know I'm not saying anything different than the others, but my heart breaks when I see another person blindly walking into something that they have no control over and will only cause them hurt, more than they can ever imagine....
No matter what or how you breakup, person, phone, mail...the only thing a active addict hears is she still cares and they will use that to their advantage.....
Give him space to find his recovery or not.....give yourself space to decide what you want in your future.....
No matter what or how you breakup, person, phone, mail...the only thing a active addict hears is she still cares and they will use that to their advantage.....
Give him space to find his recovery or not.....give yourself space to decide what you want in your future.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 11
Wow, thanks for all of the support and posts. As another update I broke up with my AB but we are still very close and visit each other whenever we can. He is back in school and has 4 months clean! He is doing what he needs to do to stay clean and not for me but for himself. Going back to school was an amazing thing for him, he continues to go to meetings everday and if for some reason he cant make it to one (which has only happened once) he has conversation with his sponsor.
I know that is way way too early to think about anything in the future. I just hope that this is it for him. I will be seeing him July and by then he will have 6 months.
As I mentioned before this is his last chance with me and alot of other people. Since he currently lives 400 miles away...I think it will be easier to cut ties with him if he does fall off again.
I pray everyday that this is the last time he has to start over.
Thanks again for all of your posts! It means so much and really is food for thought. I hope to update you all again after my trip.
I know that is way way too early to think about anything in the future. I just hope that this is it for him. I will be seeing him July and by then he will have 6 months.
As I mentioned before this is his last chance with me and alot of other people. Since he currently lives 400 miles away...I think it will be easier to cut ties with him if he does fall off again.
I pray everyday that this is the last time he has to start over.
Thanks again for all of your posts! It means so much and really is food for thought. I hope to update you all again after my trip.
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