katie44

Boy are some days better then others. Have not had any contact with AS since I pressed charges against him for stealing my vehicle and credit card. This morning he tells me he is to make his first appearance in court, could I drop off his birth certificate? I guess he has lost all his ID. I stopped by his place on the way to work. He looks horrible. Some person sleeping on the floor, filth everywhere. Five years of this I really wonder how much longer he can live like this. It is like he has no drive for recovery, its just easier to use and live like that. He is only 21, I keep thinking his brain must be fried from the crack and whatever else drug he uses. He looks like an empty shell.
I know there is nothing I can do. Just needed to vent today. Praying for his recovery.

liesagain

praying for his recovery and yours.............please remember you didn't cause this and you can't cure or control it.
Its not your fault!!! take care of you.

Seren

((katie))
I hope that your son finds recovery! Lots of prayers and good wishes coming your way!!
HG

Impurrfect

(((Katie)))

I can imagine that seeing him like that broke your heart. I lived in the same, or worse, conditions when I was using crack. It's what helpe led to my bottom (along with a little jail time), and I hope it leads to his, and soon.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

BBD

Hi Katie, I know the feeling and it leaves you so empty. There could be some light at the end of the tunnel but who knows how long it will take. My son lived like that for a while and it broke my heart. Today things are better here but I am always in constant fear of the other show dropping. Have faith and take care of yourself the best you can. Hugs and prayers, Bonnie

grateful2b

((Katie))
I remember the one time I walked into my daughter's apartment and the fear it evoked..the place was unrecognizable and the smell!..took my breath way....and the thought that this can't be 'my' daughter's place...
It is so hard to see where they have fallen to, but they can ,and do, recover...hugs and prayers for you and your son, Katie

hello-kitty

Hi Katie. Some people have to sink real low - real low. Funny, but when you are high, it really doesn't matter how disgusting your house is, how bad you smell, how rotten your teeth are. An addict who is using doesn't care about that stuff. They aren't judging the quality of their life by the same standards we use. They are judging it by how often they can get high. Nothing else matters.

Your son is right where he needs to be right now in order to find recovery. So stay strong and don't soften the blows for him. He has earned this!

It's not much, but maybe you can find a little encouragment in the fact that he is closer to his bottom then ever. In the meantime, PLEASE take care of yourself and your life. Codependents CAN and DO recover. Just because our sons, our husbands, our wives, our sisters and our brothers are addicts and destroying their lives, doesn't mean we should destroy our own.

Keep your life together so that one day, when your son is better, He can say, thanks for being strong mom. I really needed that kick in the ass that you gave me. I needed that tough love from you. I was treating you like crap. I'm glad you didnt bend over and take it from me. Your firm boundaries made me want to get better.

katie44

After 5 years I still look at him in disbelief. This horrible drug that has stolen his soul. I sometimes have to remind myself that he doesnt see how he lives or takes care of himself. He only lives to get high right now.

greeteachday

((((Katie))))) I hope he finds recovery soon. I know it must have hurt to see where he has had to go. Take care of yourself...remeber HP has your son and he has to go through this to find his way back. Hugs

marle

I remember going to my daughter's apartment (the one she shared with the crack addict boyfriend who was 17 years her senior and his 3 young daughters) and seeing no food in the cupboard, trash everywhere, filthy carpets and her little Chihuahua eating chocolate mouse yogurt because there was nothing else for him to eat. Then I discovered that she had a mat in her hair that she could not comb out due to the fact that she never washed or combed her hair. I can't begin to describe the absolute horror that I felt for how far she had fallen. It took her another 2+ years to decide she wanted help. It may take your son a while longer to want something better for himself. I could not see my daughter for a long time because it was so hard for me. I finally let her go and only had her come to visit me at my house. During those times that she could choose, she would fix herself up, take a shower and wear decent clothes. I did not want to see what the motels she was living in looked like. So if you can't handle seeing your son's environment then maybe it is best not to visit him there. Invite him out to lunch or meet in a safer place. I absolutely understand how you feel and am sending you some extra big mom hugs and prayers for your peace. Hugs, Marle

marle

One other thing is that my daughter has told me that when you are in the pit of addiction it is really hard to see a way out. But she also told me that she knew that when she wanted recovery that her dad and I would be there to support her. You see I never stopped talking recovery with her and I never denied how deep her addiction was so that when she was ready she knew she could count on me. She has told me that she felt sorry for her ex-abf because his mother just accepted him high on drugs or not. So keep hope in your heart for your son, never stop loving him, but let him know that recovery is possible. He may act like he does not hear you or that it p#sses him off, but there is a part of him that needs to hope and sometimes the words of recovery we speak to them remains in some deep part of their brain and comes to them when they are ready to make that change. Hugs, Marle

BBD

Just sending some love and hugs katie. I know life can be so hard sometimes but please take care of you......I didn't do that for a long time and was so nervous most of the time. There was nothing I could do to help Chris and I just didn't know that...Smiles, Bonnie

katie44

I think next time I see him will be in a coffee shop, better to stay away from his surroundings. You are so right Marle I always tell him I love him but do not and will not accept his addiction. I truly believes he needs some hope in his life.

mooselips

(((Katie)))
Just big hugs. Hold on tight, miracles happen.

Chino

hello kitty mentioned him being closer to his bottom and I found one other piece of hope, too. That he wanted his birth certificate for court means he still cares about something. I know it doesn't sound like much but it's so much better than not caring about anything at all.

More prayers for your serenity katie, and his recovery.

katie44

Chino, I never thought about the birth certificate, Thanks.

caileesnana

:praying

for you and your son, and that the courts will somehow get through to him. I know how you feel, it is so hard and heartbreaking.

There is hope, don't loose that! Life=hope~!!!

susan

HeroinWidow

Wishing you strength, hope, fortitude and love. I cannot imagine how hard this must be.

HurtingDad

Just when you think they can't sink any lower.....they do..SIGH....
Maybe this time will be the time he decides he's had enough.

Sending you prayers and good wishes for you and for your AS.

sleepygoat

Beleive it or not, it seems like the crack doesn't really leave any serious or any permanent brain damage. Although I never used crack myself, there are many in my NA area who lived as you describe and you'd never know it now. There is no way to tell these folks from anybody else now. Normal lives! College! The whole 9 yards. I myself take a lot of hope from this, knowing my own dear crack addict kid could also have a great life - its waiting for her - if she decides she is willing to do what it takes. So again, where there's life there's still hope.